Grins and Snickers

[Bullwinkle]

       Bi-sacksual. Tooo funny!

[Wilma]

That is funny and so close to the truth.  My response to the "paper or plastic?" is "Yes."  I get the same confused look.

[larryJ]

This is from a friend on FB, just had to share it.......

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.  It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.  He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.  He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.  Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.  He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. 

Highly aroused by all this attention, the wife said, "Wow, honey, that was wonderful!  Why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote."

___________________________________

Larryj

[Warph]

LOL.... good one, Larry.  I wonder how many remotes get lost in the bedroom like that? ...many I suppose.



After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the
Cathedral of Notre Damesent word through the streets of Paris that a new
bell ringer was needed.  The Bishop decided that he would conduct the
interviews personally andwent up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing  several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
decided to call it a day.  Just then, an armless man approached him and
announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The Bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!."

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful
melody on the carillon.

The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.  But suddenly, rushing forward  to strike a
bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry
window to his death in the street below.

The stunned  Bishop  rushed to his side.  When he reached the street,
a crowd had gathered  around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music they had heard only moments  before.

As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked:

"Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
.
.
......"but his face sure rings a bell"

[Warph]

[larryJ]

Again from a friend on FB........

TEN FUN FACTS.

1.  You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2.  You can't count your hair.
3.  You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.
4.  You just tried No. 3.
6.  When you did No. 3 you realized it's possible, only you looked like a dog.
7.  You're smiling right now because you were fooled.
8.  You skipped No. 5.
9.  You just checked to see if there is a No. 5
10. You can share this and have some laughs.

Larryj

[Warph]

Again from a friend on FB........

TEN FUN FACTS.

1.  You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2.  You can't count your hair.
3.  You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.
4.  You just tried No. 3.
6.  When you did No. 3 you realized it's possible, only you looked like a dog.
7.  You're smiling right now because you were fooled.
8.  You skipped No. 5.
9.  You just checked to see if there is a No. 5
10. You can share this and have some laughs.

Larryj

"Wha... I look like a DOG?... and you skipped No.5??  I ain't smiling, Larryj"

[larryJ]

How a man's body works at different ages.....

A single man age 20 sees a gorgeous woman at the beach in a tiny bikini.
The eyes send this image to the brain
The brain sends a message to the heart to pump faster to supply more blood.  The heart says, "already pumping!"
The brain sends a message to the genitals, "Get ready!  Surge of blood coming!"  Genitals reply, "Bring it on!"
The brain sends a message to the legs, "Run over to her as fast as you can."  Legs reply, "Already headed that way."

A married man age 40 sees a gorgeous woman at the beach in a tiny bikini.
The eyes send this image to the brain.
The brain sends a message to the heart to pump faster to supply more blood.  The heart says, "Okay, starting to pump."
The brain sends a message to the genitals, "Get ready, more blood coming."  The genitals reply, "Well, okay....but what's the use?"
The brain sends a message to the legs, "Run over to her as fast as you can."  The legs reply, "Sorry, married, all we can do is run to the end of the chain and bark."

A married man age 60 sees a gorgeous woman at the beach in a tiny bikini.
The eyes send this image to the brain.
The brain sends a message to the heart to pump faster to supply more blood.  The heart says, "Okay, but could be too much for me."
The brain sends a message to the genitals, "More blood could be headed your way, get ready."  Genitals reply, "Waiting....still waiting."
The brain sends a message to the legs, "Run over to her and talk to her."  The legs reply, "Running is not an option....for any reason."

An elderly man age 80 sees a gorgeous woman at the beach in a tiny bikini.
The eyes send this image to the brain.
The brain mulls this over and then remembers it is supposed to notify the heart to pump more blood and sends that message to the heart.  The heart responds that it needs an electrical boost for the pacemaker to restart.
The brain then sends a message to the genitals, "There is a slight possibility that you could be receiving more blood."  The genitals...no response.
The brain sends a message to the legs to go over and talk to her.  The legs respond........"LOL!"

A man who has reached the age of 100 sees a gorgeous woman at the beach in a tiny bikini.
The eyes send a foggy image to the sleeping brain.
The brain receives this image and notes that the surf is higher than normal and there are pelicans flying along the coast.  The brain then remembers that it is supposed to send messages to somewhere in the rest of the body, but can't remember where or what for.  The brain then goes back to sleep.

Larryj

[Warph]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man  who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?' No, I had to stop drinking years ago, 'the homeless man replied.

'Will you use it t o go fishing instead of buying food?' the man asked.' No, I don't waste time fishing, 'the homeless man said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?' the man asked.  'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless man. 'I haven't played golf in 20 years!'

'Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?' the man asked.' What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?' exclaimed the homeless man.

'Well, 'said the man, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.' The homeless man was astounded.' Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

The man replied, 'That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and women.

[Warph]

Here is the reason why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies", while undergarments for old people are called "Depends":

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!