'Rent A Mourner' - Helps You Look More Popular At Your Funeral

[Warph]

Mourners-for-rent hired to blubber at funerals
British mourners are renting "professional sobbers" to blubber at funerals... to make people believe the deceased was really popular.
By Melanie Hall
4:10PM GMT 26 Mar 2013
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/9955111/Mourners-for-rent-hired-to-blub-at-funerals.html

"Braintree, Essex, England - RENT A MOURNER SPECIALISES IN SUPPLYING PERSONNEL FOR EVENTS WHERE YOU NEED TO SWELL VISITOR NUMBERS.Whether you need to introduce new faces, increase perceived popularity or simply increase numbers we are here to help! We can arrange personal meetings or telephone conferences with you to establish exactly what you require and exactly how to deliver it to you.

"We are available for both Church or Crematorium gatherings. We can also pay our respects at the following wakes. We will take your guidance on how you would like us to integrate and mix with your other guests. We will remain discreet and professional at all times. We will also strongly adhere to dress codes and are always prompt and on time. For £45 an hour, the fake mourners can be rented to cry for the duration of a funeral service in order to swell the numbers at funerals."

Okay...   I'm sure this will come as great comfort to that Rutgers Coach Mike Rice. 

This is America, people.  And in America, we believe in second chances... right?  But not in third chances, because that's going too far... unless you're Lindsay Lohan or Bobby Brown.  Or the Phoenix Suns.  But this is still America.  And you can buy anything.  Even mourners for your funeral, just like in En-gland.

For those of you who would mock, I suggest you take a step back and ask... Who will mourn your death?  Me?  I couldn't pick you out of a lineup.  Plus, I never leave the house except under court order or promise of home-made cherry pie.  Your friends?  What Friends?  There is no Internet connection in hell... so say goodbye to Facebook.  Your family?  They'll be too busy fighting over your pitiful "estate."  Your colleagues?  You gave up looking for a job when Obuma came into office five years ago.

Don't underestimate the power of fake crying.  Worked for Bill Clinton (see below).  Will work at your funeral.

"'Rent-a-Mourner.'  When your credit's too crappy to buy..."

...Warph

Bill Clinton caught on film suddenly switching from a laugh
to a cry when realizes someone is filming him.

[Warph]

Boy... that article didn't go anywhere.  Must of been the word 'funeral.'  No one likes to read about their own funeral do they?... which reminds me of a another article I read:

A new form of plastic surgery is now available, and it's completely painless and astonishingly cheap! How about that? Cheap. A yet-to-be-named firm, which plans to launch other death-related ideas, has a motto: "Look Your Best at Your Funeral - on the Cheap!"

Here's how it works: As soon as you have been given an autopsy, non-certified yet semi-skilled surgeon-trainees (sometimes two or three at a time) go to work on your corpse's face.  Using techniques they master at our rigorous ten-day online training sessions, these gifted GED grads make your death mask look many years younger! (Sorry, the firm will not deal with other body parts that may need remodeling.)

"Just think, your facial parts will look so great in the casket, many mourners-to-rent will praise to Allah your beautiful appearance," the firm's foreign-born president said through a translator.  (He refused to reveal just where he was born or whether he has a license to practice on dead bodies in the U.S.... Iran, maybe?)

The best part of this unusual quasi-medical after-death procedure? The cost is usual under $500-a-corpse.  Discounts for "quick and dirty jobs." The firm is advertising for "people who are good with a knife."



And then there is this from the Tombstone Gazette in Tombstone, AZ:

Tombstone, AZ-- For the company "Coffins-R-Us", the economy is always booming. The newest marketing giant is doing for death what Walmart did for retailing, and it is changing everything about the dying business. Coffins are now a fun thing to buy, and "Coffins-R-Us" is opening 20 new stores in major cities around the country. Customers are being urged to buy what they want now, before it's too late.

The coffin business is much different than what it used to be. Gone are the days of cheap pine wood and boring boxes. Today's coffins are sleek, metallic, high-tech--and fun!

"Coffins-R-Us" offers many models of coffins to their customers, but says their "URDead 3011" model is the most popular.

The "URDead 3011" is loaded with all the latest gadgets and is guaranteed to make death a pleasure. The silvery coffin is set up with both WiFi and broadband, and has a liquid crystal screen at the head of the coffin. The "URDead" is equipped with Iphones, Ipads, Ipods, and there's room for anything else that may be invented in the next 1000 years.

All coffins sold by "Coffins-R-Us are designed for today's very busy life-styles and death-styles. The company believes death can be amusing, as long as the coffin is a fun place to rot away in.

[Warph]

Everyone was dismayed that Peter had died. A popular man, he had left Moira, his wife, strict instructions in his will for his wake to be a jolly and happy affair: a celebration of his life. To this end Peter had left £25,000 [$ 52,000 USD] in his will for the party.

As the guests caught their taxis at the end of the wake, Moira was asked by her close friend, Alice, if she thought that Peter would have been pleased. 'Well, I'm sure Peter would have been delighted,' Moira murmured.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied her friend, Alice, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did all this really cost?'

'All of it,' opined Moira, 'every penny of twenty-five thousand pounds.'

'What!' exclaimed Alice in a higher than normal voice, 'I mean, it was very nice, but £25,000?'

Moira took a deep breath and answered, 'Look, Alice, let me explain: the funeral cost £4,500. I donated £500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another £2,500. The rest went on the memorial stone.'  

Alice worked out the arithmetic in her head, 'Eh?' she exploded for a second time, '£17,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?'

Moira shows Alice her ring finger, 'Oh about 30 carats,' she smiled!!!