From the Desk of......

[Warph]

From the Desk of President Barack Hussein Obuma:
Date: Nov. 3rd, 2010

Subject: Communications

Dear Citizens,

It has come to MY attention that you did not vote in your own best interests in the elections held throughout this country last Tuesday.  While MY loyal servants Pelosi and Reid were successful in retaining their seats, many of MY loyal acolytes at lower levels were robbed of their seats when the Republicans apparently managed to deceive enough of you to ensure a temporary victory for themselves.  I must admit that I am terribly disappointed in your conduct in this matter, but perhaps I can use this as a teachable moment for you.  Pay close attention, as I am going to use MY great communication skills to clear this matter up before you embarrass yourselves again in the future.

First of all, you cannot begin to improve your lot in life until you learn proper communication skills.  You have regressed considerably in this past election.  Quite frankly, what we have here is a failure to communicate.  I suppose some of you who adhere to the Tea-bagger movement actually desire to see the failure of MY Great New Society for the Elimination of Poverty, Racism, Islamophobia, Homophobia and Obesity.  Well, there is little I can say to convince a bunch of beer-bellied rednecks to change their ways.  There may, however, be help for the rest of you.

The main communication skill which you need to improve is your ability to listen.  Apparently you, the american people, have difficulty in listening to what I, your Great Leader, have to say.  If you were truly listening, you would understand that I have given you your one true chance at redemption from the sin of your founding fathers.  It is I, and only I, who give you the opportunity to renounce the bigoted, racist, fundamentalist, ignorant, superstitious trash that Jefferson, Madison, Washington, etc. foisted off on this ignorant nation.  I believe this is called "interference" by those of us who are enlightened enough to have taken a university course in communication theory.  You let the petty, misguided notions of these "founding fathers" interfere with my explanation of the necessity for greater deficit spending to spur the economy, centralized control of health care for the greater good, and the need to reject the bigoted "judeo-christian" belief system that has infested this country.  Quite frankly, you must learn to put this interference aside and learn to listen to ME.  It is clear that it is you, the great unwashed who are not listening, who are causing this communication problem.

Not only do you not listen to ME, you insist on listening to those whom you should ignore.  You tune in to the ridiculous, racist rants of Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity, O'Reilly and their assorted ilk, and actually take that garbage seriously.  You are like spoiled little children who eat nothing but happy meals stuffed with red meat and french fries, and then cannot understand why you are so fat, bloated and unattractive.  Well, I am here to be arugula for your ears.  Get off of that red meat you see on Fox News, and tune in to the vegetables, nuts and fruits of MSNBC and CNN.  That will do a lot right there to fix your communication problem.

It is also clear to ME that some of you simply lack the intelligence to be able to accept the superior wisdom of My grand design for your lives.  While I continuously assure you that I have the greatest concern for the welfare of you, the little people, you still seem to distrust My motives and actions.  The only way for you to solve your communication problem in this matter is to get out of denial.  That's right, you are in denial.  You deny MY superior intellect, wisdom and compassion.  If you will simply learn to recognize MY superior mind and morals for what they are and submit to ME, things will go much easier for you.  Quite frankly I grow weary of having to constantly remind you of how superior I am to you little people.  I suppose I could have Biden come out and explain it to you for awhile, but once he gets started even I can't shut him up.  

So what can you do to fix your communication problem?  Quite simply, shut up and do what you're told.  Recognize your betters, and act accordingly.  Remember, MY followers are from the Federal Government and they are here to help.  Accept this, believe this, obey this.  This is the key to your becoming effective communicators.  The sooner you get on board with this, the smoother things will go.

Just as a side note, I have decided I will err on the side of caution and take some small responsibility for our communication problems.  In order to rectify them, I have fired MY old teleprompter and retained the services of a new model.  The new model is manufactured in China, and I have been assured it is the most up-to-date model available, far superior to MY old one.  The Chinese manufacturer has assured ME that it has a built in system for handling those of you who fail to take MY advice on honing your communication skills; and that this system has been tested extensively and successfully on the Falun Gong.  I look forward to seeing many of you at MY next speaking engagement.

Sincerely,

President for Life Barack Hussein Obuma

[Warph]

From the Desk of Greatest Ex-President Ever,
(1977-1981) Jimmy Carter:

Dear President B. Hussein Obuma,

Well, this is a fine mess those Republicans cooked up for you the other night, now isn't it?  Look, don't worry.  You can beat this thing.  You just have to know what to do and how to do it.  You need advice from somebody who's been there.  You need the Greatest Ex-President on your team, and I'm here to help.

You know what the problem with this country really is?  I'll give you a hint:  It's not you, Hussein.  You have done all the right things.  I know you know it in your heart.  This recession is Bush's fault.  Make sure you don't forget it, and make sure nobody else forgets it.  They'll want to hang it around your neck.... well don't let 'em do it.  You've done more than anyone could ask or expect.  So what if inflation starts to get a little high?  Believe me, I know all about high inflation rates.  It's not that big of a deal.  People learn to adjust.

This whole thing about unemployment?  Hey, no big deal.  It'll come around sooner or later.  Just keep pumping the money into the federal spending programs, and sooner or later the jobs are bound to come down the pike.  Look, Barry, I've been there, I know what I'm talking about.  If you let the Republicans get all over you about spending you'll never get anything done.  Just ignore them and do what needs to be done to save the country.  

Look, I know all about problems in the Middle East too.  Problems with Iran?  No big deal.  If worse comes to worse you can send a couple of commando squads in to sort things out.  Those guys are so good you don't even have to worry about having back up for them or an exit strategy.  Just send 'em in and watch the fireworks.  Israel?  Look, everybody is sick of them, not just you.  Freeze 'em out.... it's not like they've got anybody else to go to anyway.  Look, I've been here, I've seen this.  Take it from me, Iran is no big deal.  Don't worry about it.

The Russians are headed back to Afghanistan?  No kidding?  Hey, guess what, I've handled that too!  Just shut off any wheat sales to them and skip the Olympics.  Believe me, it'll be problem solved in no time.  There is no need to stress about any of this, you have it totally under control.  

Seriously, inflation, unemployment, budget deficits, Iran, Russia, Afghanistan, none of these are a real problem.  I've handled all of these just fine in the past.  Basically you can ignore them and they'll take care of themselves.  Just whatever you do, don't let the Republican try to make you responsible for any of it.  That's all they ever want to do, make some Democratic President they don't like responsible for other people's problems.  Look what happened to me.... James Buchanan.... Lydon Johnson.  My advice?  Just ignore them and they'll go away.  Believe me, I know what I'm talking about here.

Really, there are only two problems you need to worry about.  The first one is malaise.  This country is suffering from a terrible case of malaise right now.  What can you do about it?  Make the people see that their pain is their own fault.  Make them understand that their malaise comes from having too high of expectations for what their lives ought to be.  Make them realize that if they can just learn to lower their expectations for themselves, their children, their grand-children and their nation then with acceptance comes peace.  Make them accept lowered expectations for themselves and this country and the malaise will vanish in no time.  Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

The second problem?  Killer rabbits.  They're out there.  Lurking.  Waiting.  Nobody can stop 'em.  Not the Secret Service, FBI, CIA, NSA or any of 'em.  They just don't understand.  They don't even really seem to believe.  Killer rabbits are out there, and they're looking for fine Democratic Presidents like you and me.  Watch out for 'em.  Big, vicious, swamp-rabbits with beady red eyes and giant, gnashing teeth.  I keep seeing 'em coming for me.... sometimes the pills help me make it through the night.  Sometimes they don't.

At any rate, look on the bright side.  At least you don't have a freak of a brother running around embarrassing you with his very own brand of "Buddy Beer".  Nothing like a freak brother to really give you ulcers.  Although didn't I hear something about some guy in Kenya marrying a teenage girl?  Oh well, can't win 'em all..... just do your best, Obuma.... accept fate and watch out for malaise and killer rabbits.  The rest will take care of itself.

Your Friend and Supporter,

Greatest Ex-President Ever, Jimmy Carter

[Warph]

From the Desk of Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano:

Nov. 15, 2010

To:  TSA Airport Security Screeners

Dear TSA Security Screeners,

I realize there has been a great deal of controversy lately concerning the use of our full-body x-ray devices, as well as the accompanying manual pat-downs for individuals who choose to opt-out of the x-ray screen.  After conducting a thorough review of our procedures and thoroughly consulting with Attorney General Eric Holder, I am issuing the following guidelines and talking points for use when interacting with members of the general public who have questions or concerns about our screening procedures.


1)   First of all, it will remain our basic procedure to randomly select passengers for x-ray screening.  If there are concerns about radiation, please be aware that this machine exposes an individual to no more than the equivalent of forty-three x-rays at the doctor's office.  Travelers expressing concern about the radiation should be advised that it is "roughly equivalent" to a doctor's x-ray, please do not advise them of the total amount of radiation as they are not on a "need to know" list for that level of specific information.


2) Travelers who are concerned about x-ray exposure are allowed to opt out of screening, but must submit to an "enhanced pat down" search.  First of all, draw as much attention to the traveler opting out as possible in front of other travelers, preferably by loud vocalizations.  You might say, "Come over here, sport... I want to check out your 'JUNK'."  This will help to discourage other travelers from opting out of the x-ray.  Next, make the pat-down as uncomfortable as possible..... a little pulling and jerking never has hurt anybody.  There should be a "frank" examination of the groin region.... as well as the chest/breast area for female passengers.  Also remember, we will soon be distributing surgical gloves for full cavity searches as well.  And remember to advise travelers that if they refuse both the x-ray and enhanced pat down they are subject to immediate arrest with a presumption of guilt for an attempted terror attack.


3)  In the event that minor children are randomly selected for the x-ray all above procedures will still apply.  Please make sure that parents are aware of the "enhanced pat down" procedures conducted upon their children.  If they object make sure they are aware that the x-ray is still an option; if they continue to cause trouble they should be arrested immediately and DHS contacted to take custody of their children.


4)  To avoid concerns of profiling we need to make sure that certain groups are not subjected to this procedure.  Specifically, there has been a great deal of concern amongst our peace-loving Muslim community about the continuous backlashes they have endured in the last decade.  As a result, should an individual wearing recognizable Muslim attire be randomly selected for screening please allow them to go on through and simply screen the next person in line.  This should assuage any concerns our Muslim community has in regard to profiling, as well as relieving us of legal liability for profiling.


5)  Per President Obuma's executive order 13666, any newly-elected member of the Republican party headed to Washington, D.C., should be subjected to both x-ray screening and an "enhanced pat down."  If they refuse either procedure they should be arrested immediately as per the above guidelines.  Attorney General Eric Holder has assured me there will be no Constitutional or other legal issues in following this directive as their refusal would constitute a breach of the peace.


I hope this has cleared up any concerns or questions you have regarding our new x-ray screening and "enhanced pat down" procedures.


Thank you for your service,

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano

[Patriot]

Napolitano  came from the desert, and she needs to be sent back.  

[Warph]

http://www.uncoverage.net/2010/10/barney-frank-oh-yah-that-trip-to-the-virgin-islands/

http://politifi.com/news/Frank-Lied-About-Trip-to-Virgin-Islands-on-Billionaires-Jet-1440295.html


Fwom de Dethk of Congwethpuhson Bahney Fwank:

Subject: My twip to thw Vujin Islandths

Deah Cuhnstichoouhnths,

Wecently, theahr hath been a widicuwous contwovuthy ovuh a wittle twip Ah took with my wong-tuhm pahtnuh and a couple of our vewy good fwiendth.  Ah would wike to adweth that contwovuthy at thith time.

Thome of you may haf heahd dat thith twip wath a thimple vacation.  Ah can athure you that ith not the cathe.  Mah twip to de Vujin Islandth wath in point of fact a mithion of merthy.  Jutht think about it.  De name of de plathe weally sayth it aww.  Thothe poor young peopwle down dere haf no idea about de medithinal and thewapeutic vawue of thexual wiberaythun.  Aww dose poor young men, who haf nevah been taught about de thewapy of thexual wewease that ith theirs foh de taking!  It boggleth de mind!  Thomeone had to go down theh to teach aww dose fine, fit, tan, buff, cwean-thaven, oh-tho-young men about de thexual thewapy and how it hath heawing poweth.  Welww, I tokked it ober wiff my wong-tuhm pahtnuh, and Jim sayth to me, "Bahney, you ahr tho wight, we jutht hath to go down dere and hewlp aww dose poohr young men."

Ah haff to tewll you, Jim ith thuch a joy to meh.  Ah wath a wittel nehvous when we hit de beach, but he atthured me that eben do Ahm sebenty yearth old now, I thtill wook ath good ath evah in mah thong!  Wewl, Ah got to tewl you, we hit it off wealwy wewl wiff all dem young men down dere!  Ah suppothe it didn't huht dat Ahm a wewl known Congwesspuhson, ohr dat ouwr hotht ith a biwwionairre, but Ah thtill think we managed to open a wot of eyeth with ouwr wectureth on thexual wiberation.  Tho, ath you can thee, thith twip wath actuawwy a humanitawian mithion, a vewitable mithion of muhcy.  Tho pwease pay no attensun to dose cweepth in the wight wing media at Fox Newth about any "vacation"!

What you weawwy need to be wowwying about is all mah furthuh we-ewections.  Evewy two yeahs Ah haff to take cahre of mah ewection pwospects.  So, on that note, wet me thay dis:  Thome congwesspuhsons dis yeah theem to be embawathed to bwing home de pohrk fohr dere distwicks.  Wewl, Ah can pwomise you, Ah wiwl nevuh be embawathed to bwing home de pohrk fohr mah gweat home heah in Bothton!  But wemembuh, if you want awl dat gweat pohrk Ah gif you (and you know you awl want mah gweat pohrk!) den you had bettuh take good care of mah we-ewections.  Wemebuh, if Ah don't get mah we-ewection, you don't get your pohrk!  Now jutht think about dat!

Remembuh dat Bahney Fwank wath on a mithion of merthy to de Virjun Islandths, and if you want mah pohrk, you bettuh take care of my furthuh we-ewections.  Ah think we unduhthtand each othuh now.


Thintherely,

Congwesspuhson Bahney Fwank

[Warph]

From the Desk of Charlie Rangel:


Dear Fellow Congresspeople,

I am here today to tell you that I deplore the ridiculous and unconstitutional actions taken against me by the highly partisan and Republican-dominated ethics committee.  In finding me guilty of these eleven charges, this committee has violated every rule of fair justice known to man.  I find it unbelievable that this great body would sit idly by while my name is slandered in this malicious fashion, and so have chosen to take this opportunity to address the charges made against me.

First of all, let me talk to you about that little villa in the Dominican Republic.  So I forgot to file my rental income from that little place on my tax return.  Can you really expect me to keep up with every little detail like that?  I have more important things to worry about, like writing the tax code for the IRS.  Sure, I chair the committee that wrote this law, but why do you think that means I know what's in it?  We all pass laws here every day that have mountains of stuff we don't know about.  It's like Speaker Pelosi said about our health care bill, you have to pass it to know what's in it.

I would further like to point out that I was not even in the room when this verdict was handed down!  Now tell me, how can that be justice?  If the defendant leaves in a fit, you must acquit!  Look here, if that bunch of Republicans was willing to convict me without even saying it to my face, then how can you take this verdict seriously?  I ask you, my fellow congresspeople, have you no shame?  On top of that, I was denied my constitutional right to legal representation in this so-called hearing.  I tell you, lack of representation is as bad as segregation!  If an African-American Congressman like me is denied representation, there is no justice in this nation!  On the other hand, I do have a nice condo for rent if you need a vacation.

Now you need to understand this also, my fellow congresspeople.  If this can happen to me, then it can happen to any of you.  I have served in this fine body for forty years, I have championed all the great causes of our time, I have stood for truth, justice and freedom!  And what do I get?  Convicted for failure to report income!  I tell you this, you could all face trials for your income, and then some!  Do you hear where I'm coming from?

And tell me this, if you would please, would this happen if I were white?  No, and I can wrap that case up tight.  I forgot a few hundred thousand on my tax return, while Barney Frank over there let his lover boy run a brothel in the basement!  Have we forgotten Gingrich, and not seen how he got rich?  I look on both sides of the aisle, and see you folks have forgotten I've been here quite a while.  I know about the secrets you keep, and where your teen-age honeys sleep.  I know about the bribes you've been taking and the deals you've been making, and here you want to put it all off on me!  Well not this time, folks.  If you want to convict me you can, but at the end of the day I'll still be the man.

So you think the threat of censure will bring any pressure?  Try this one out, plenty of fine folks will shout, "no justice, no peace" when you vote against me.  I see Pelosi and the Democrat caucus have turned out to be just like the Republican circus.  It's all the same to all of them, just let the Brother go down, they won't miss him.  Well I've got news, you can try all your spin, but when it comes to D.C. mine's a pretty small sin.  I was a soldier before most of you folks were born, and from this seat I will never be torn.  I know how to fight all through the night, and when I get done you'll see I have won!

Do you really think this was settled in your little committee?  My ring is the street, and my people you'll meet!  I fought for our rights against Nixon and Reagan and Bush and even Clinton, presidents all; they're all gone and I still stand tall.  So if you think I can be pushed aside, you've mistaken the scope of this tide!  The Congressional Black Caucus knows that you need us, so open your ears up and listen to heed us.  I've stood by your side all through the years, given my heart, my soul and my tears.  You don't dare expel me, you know it is true, and if you try then this day you will rue.

Fellow Congresspeople, that wraps it up for me.  I may have made a few errors on my taxes, but I know how many of you have done worse, and if I talk your career's in a hearse.  So go ahead with your vote now but just remember, the old lion always laughs last in December.

Your fellow Congressman,

The HONORABLE Charlie Rangel

[kshillbillys]

Warph, I love you!!! LOL --Jennifer

[Warph]

From the Desk of Nancy Pelosi:

My Dear Fellow Democratic Congresspeople,

While I realize our ranks are slightly diminished, which is no big deal, I believe it is important that we not make too much of the little setback we just experienced.  Yes, I know that many of our good friends will not be back with us for the upcoming Congress, but we must learn to make the best of a bad situation.  Whatever else happens, it's most important that we stick together.

Now I hear that some of you have been promising not to vote for me for Speaker of the House.  Well, I think I can let that one slide this time, since we all know that none of us are going to be Speaker anyway, so I forgive you.  I know it's only natural to be a little bitter over having to give up control over some of these committees, but really, it's only temporary.  That's the important thing to remember.  After all, if great leaders gave up every time they had a setback, they wouldn't be great leaders, now would they?

Think of the great V. I. Lenin.  Why, he had to go into exile in a whole different nation, yet he eventually managed to get back into Russia and move the progressive cause forward.  If he could be so brave and stalwart, why can't we?  And if the Bolsheviks could keep Lenin as their leader even after his exile, why can't you keep me?  After all, none of us have been kicked out of the country or anything like that.

Think of Chairman Mao, and his exile after being defeated in 1927?  Did he give up?  Absolutely not!  He came back stronger than ever.  And do you know why?  Because he was willing to do whatever it took to get back to power, that's why.  How many of you wafflers and blue dogs out there right now can say that about yourselves?  Are you willing to go to the same lengths the great progressive heroes Lenin and Mao were to get back to power?  If not, then you had better get out of my way, because I know I'm willing to do whatever it takes..... WHATEVER IT TAKES!  So get on the bandwagon now, while you still have the chance.

I can tell you right now we'll be back in two years.  There will be no stopping me in 2012.  Obuma is going to storm back just like Clinton did in '96.  We lost a ton of seats in 1946, we got even more back in 1948.  Trust me, I've been around long enough to know what the Republicans will do.  They'll find some boring, gray suit like Bob Dole to put up against Obuma.  Good grief, knowing the Republicans they might REALLY put Dole up again; it would be just the sort of thing they're apt to do.  You never know with that bunch.

At any rate, Obuma will storm back in 2012, and he'll carry us back into the majority on his coattails.  We just have to stick together.  We have to remember we're a team.  No, we're really more like a family.  A big, happy family.  And big sister is watching you and don't you forget it.  She's making a list and checking it twice, if you know what I mean. So let's cut this talk crap about not voting for me for speaker, or my retirement, or that funny little thing you put together where they took my broom away and I was hung in effigy, beheaded, burned and had my ashes scattered to the four winds.  Okay, I can take a joke, but don't you think that was just a little over the top?

So here's what we'll do.  We'll let bygones be bygones and look to the future.  I can see 2012 from here, and it's beautiful.  The Republicans will screw up.  They always do.  It's in their DNA.  So just remember to vote for me as our party minority leader, and I'll keep marching us forward to victory.

Sincerely,

Once and Future Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi

[Warph]

From the Desk of President Barack Hussein Obama:

To the ungrateful citizens of Amerikkka,


I must say, I am thoroughly disappointed in this childish outburst of yours.  Only two short years ago my beautiful wife, Michelle, was finally, for the first time in her life, able to be proud to be a citizen of this country.  Now, in this petulant outburst of an election, you have taken that away from her.  Do you honestly feel good about yourselves today?  As a result of your outburst she will have to spend even more time on the French Riviera, naturally at taxpayer expense.  Yes, I know it's a lot of money, but you brought this on yourselves.  After all, if she cannot be proud of this country, can you really expect her to hang around here and listen to all your constant badgering of ME, her loving Husband?

We really had something good going in this country, and you ruined it.  You had to go and give sixty-five seats in the House and six seats in the Senate to those racist, reactionary Republicans.  What on Earth were you thinking?  Do you know what those people are up to right now?  Well neither do I.  I suppose they'll want to shut down health care and kill all the old people first thing.  After that they'll want to cut out all the wonderful stimulus spending that has been the saving force in our economy the last two years.  And on top of all that they are probably going to be holding hearings to investigate the fine work Eric Holder has been doing over at the Department of Justice.  It would be enough to give ME indigestion if I were susceptible to the same ailments as you puny mortals.  This indignity is insufferable.

Already poor Harry Reid looks like the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.  He's shriveled up to practically nothing, and just wanders around muttering something about "gone with the wind", whatever that means.  I was hoping to at least get some good work out of him in the lame duck session, but he's just gone and quit on me.  At least he's better off than poor Nancy Pelosi.  What I can't believe is that it was our own fellow Democrats that did that to her.  When those sixty-five Congresspeople found out they had lost their jobs they turned on her like a pack of rabid dingos.  It was like they blamed her for some reason, which is absurd.  Everybody knows this is really the fault of the redneck rubes out there in flyover country who insist on voting Republican.  I've got to get that message across to these people.  Some of them are starting to look at ME the same way they did poor Nancy right before they went to town on her like Idi Amin on a missionary.

On top of everything else MY staff is deserting me.  At least Gates is still around over at Defense, although I'm never quite sure what he's up to.  I guess I've more or less let him have the run of the place over there while I concentrated on fixing this messed up excuse for a country.  And of course there's still Biden.  Good old Joe, MY perfect insurance policy.  Want to get rid of ME?  Want to try and take down The Man?  Think you can impeach ME?  Go ahead and try.  What if you get lucky and somehow do get enough votes in the Senate to remove ME?  Then you get President Joe Biden.  Oh yeah, you really, want that, don't you?  Well, I didn't think so.  And people think I'm a rookie.

I see I do have a message here from Bill Clinton.  Something about triangulation, listening to Dick Morris, and letting the government shut down to force Congress to come into line.  Yeah, right, he's definitely angling to try to give Hillary a leg up on ME in 2012.  If there's one thing I know, it's stay with what got you here.  Healthcare, stimulus, bailouts and downsizing the military worked fine for ME in 2008.  There's no way I'm giving them up now.  I know how to stick with a winning hand when I have one.

So here's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to stay the course.  Right now you people are just scared and confused, mostly because you can't understand MY brilliance.  That's all right, it's not really your fault.  You've been clinging to those Bibles too long and taking them seriously.  That blinds you to accepting MY Infinite Wisdom.  Well, WE will just have to wean you off those ridiculous, antique books.  I'll have Holder look into what WE can do about that right away.  In the meantime, don't worry.  I'm not going anywhere, and I have a plan.

Giving you a second chance,

Your President for Life Barack Hussein Obama

[Warph]

Fwom de Dethk of Congwethpuhson Bahney Fwank:

Deawest Jim,

I have been tawkin' to mah thewapitht about some of de ithues between uth, and Ah think thereth a few thingth we need to tawk about.  Ah know thith whole ewection buthiness hath been weally hahd on you watewy, but we jutht haf to get a few thingth thraithened out.

Ah was expwainin' to mah thewapitht about the pwobwems Ah been havin' with mah we-ewection dis time awound, and how itth been cauthin' uth so much twouble in ouwr wewationship.  Ah expwained to de thewapitht that thith hath nevah happen' to me befahr, and that it wath cauthin' you aww kind of emotionaw distweth.  The thewapitht theemed vewy thympathetic, and thuggethted maybe mah age wath paht of de pwobwem.  Ah agweed dat dere ith a wot of ageithm in dis countwy, and people mah age are ofen thubject to dicwimination.  Ah agweed wif de thewapist dat mah age might be paht of de pwobwem wif mah we-ewection.  Affah aww, it can't weawwy be about dat Fweddie and Fannie bidneth, now can it?

At any wate, de thewapitht thaid maybe Ah thould take thome wittle bwue pillth he good get fah me.  Ah tol' him Ah don't think de pillth would hewlp wif mah we-ewection.  He tol' me Ah shouwld at leatht gib dem a chanth.  Ah weally think he might not haf unnerthtood jutht what Ah wath tawkin' about.  Ah don't know anybody in Congweth who evah got theihr we-ewection jutht bah takin' a wittle bwue piwll.

At any wate, Ah went on to expwain to de thewapitht about mah we-ewection pwobwems becauthe of dat thillwy wittle Mawine who ith wunnin' againtht mah.  Ah expwained to de thewapitht dat de Mawine ith onwy haf mah age, and ith in vewy good phythicawl condition, not tah metion he weawly ith pwetty nithe wookin'.  De thewapitht thaid it wath onwy natuwal dat Ah should be upthet to be compahrd to a fewwow haf mah age.  He agweed dat peopwel should not judge a man wif mah age an' expewience againtht thomeone tho young.  He thaid if I wath thinkin' about dat to much it might be de weathon Ah'm havin' tho much twouble wif mah we-ewection.  He thaid Ah should jus' thtop thinkin' about dat young man and take de wittle bwue piwlth.

Dis bwingth mah to de heawrt of mah pwobwem.  De othuh day you were fowwowin' dat young man awound wif youhr camewa, takin' aww kindth of pictureth of him.  Wook, I know you want to be thupportuv of mah campaign, but how do you think it maketh mah feewl when you ahre out dere thnappin' awl dothe pictureth of dat stwappin', good-wookin', young man who is twyin' to take away mah we-ewection?  Don't you know how dat wookth to mah?  Wook, Jim, Ah know you didn't weawly mean anythin' by it, but pwease, it hurtth mah to thee you awoun' him tho much!  Ah jutht thtart thinkin' to mahthelf that Ah could lothe mah we-ewection, and that maybe den you wouldn't love mah de thame anymore.  You might go lookin' for thomeone younguh, who haf hith ewection wewl in hand.  I gueth Ah'm jutht twyin' to thay Ah don' haf mah thame old confidenth any more, an' Ah need you to hewlp mah out heahr.  Tho pweathe, fohr de thake of ourwr wove, jutht thtay away fwom dat young man!

I wove you, Jim, your woving pahtnuh fohrevuh, 

Congwethpuhson Bahney Fwank