Trivia and More

[Judy Harder]

Historical Trivia



In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted.  Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with

one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how

many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting

them would cost the buyer more.  Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'   (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)


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As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while

men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs.

Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread,

put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.   The heat

would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.. ' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because

someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.


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In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household'

always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor.

Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited

to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge.  They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'


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Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth

out their complexions.  When they were speaking to each other,

if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.'  Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'.  In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore,

the expression 'losing face.'


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Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced'.  Wore a tightly tied lace.


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Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there

was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades..'  To avoid paying the tax, people would

purchase 51 cards inste ad.  Yet, since most games require 52

cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because

they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'


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Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to

local taverns, pubs, and bars.  They were told to 'go sip some Ale

and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many

assistants were dispatched at different times.  'You go sip here'

and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have

the term 'gossip.'


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At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on

the customers and keep the drinks coming.  She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was

drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and Q's'.


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One more: bet you didn't know this!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon

balls.  It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon.

However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?

The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested

on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked

in a small area right next to the cannon..  There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling

from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations.  However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution

to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much

faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would

shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off

the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that

was an improper expression, didn't you.)


If you don't send this fabulous bit of historic knowledge to any and all your unsuspecting friends, your floppy is going to fall off your hard drive and kill your mouse.

[Judy Harder]

Two Rednecks go to a bar....


Two Rednecks, Jim and Dave , are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Dave and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes." Dave thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Dave at the bar. He tells Dave about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Dave says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

[Judy Harder]

When

I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice:The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it's called golf

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...

AMEN..!!

[Judy Harder]

Here is your good laugh for today!  The last one is just too funny!

HELLO OPERATOR

Actual Call Center conversations!

Customer:    'I've been calling
700-1000 for two days and can't get  through. Can you help?'

Operator:     'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer:    'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator:     'Sir, those are the  hours that we are  open.'


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Samsung  Electronics

Caller:  Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator:  'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are  talking about.'

Caller:   ' On  page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly  states that I need  to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and  Telephone Jack  before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for  Jack?'

Operator:  'I think it means the telephone plug on the  wall.'


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On  another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a  phonebox told a worried operator:  'I haven't got a pen, so I'm  steaming up the window to write the number  on.'


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Tech  Support:  'I need you to right-click on the Open  Desktop.'

Customer: 'OK.'

Tech Support:  'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support:  OK. Right-Click  again. Do you see a pop-up  menu ?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support:  'OK,  sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this Point?'

Customer:      'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'


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Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized  that  I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks  will I get my file  back again?'


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This  has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this  guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a  true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from  a recording monitoring  the customer care department. Needless to say  the Help Desk employee was fired;  however, he/she is currently suing  the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.


Actual  dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now  I know why they record these conversations!)



Operator:  'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I  help you?'

Caller:      'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with 'WordPerfect.'

Operator:  'What sort of trouble??'

Caller:  'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator:    'Went away?'

Caller:        'They disappeared'

Operator:    'Hmm. So what does your screen look like  now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I  type.'

Operator:         'Are you still in  WordPerfect, or did you get out?'

Caller:        'How do I tell?'

Operator:    'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the  screen?'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator:        'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen? '

Caller: 'There  isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I  type.'

Operator:          'Does your  monitor have a power indicator?'

Caller:        'What's a monitor?'

Operator:    'It's the thing with the screen on it  that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light  that tells you when it's on?'

Caller:          'I don't know.'

Operator:      'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and  find where the power cord goes into it. Can  you see that?'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if  it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator:          'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that  there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not  just one?'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well,  there are. I need you to look back there again  and find the other  cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller:      'I can't reach.'

Operator:  'OK. Well, can you see if  it is?'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator:          'Even if you  maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'

Caller:  'Well, it's not  because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's  dark.'

Operator: 'Dark?'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light  have is coming in from the window.'

Operator:      'Well, turn on the office light  then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator:          'No? Why  not?'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator:        'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've  got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes  and manuals and  packing stuff that your computer  came in?'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator:    'Good. Go get them, and unplug your  system and pack it   up just like it was  when you got it. Then take it back to the  store you bought it from.'

Caller:          'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator:  'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell  them?'

Operator: 'Tell them  you're too stupid to own a computer!'

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[Judy Harder]

No Nursing Home for Me

About 2 years ago, my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner.

At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the maindining room.. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters,busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.

I asked ourwaiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last fourcruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to  say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated,"I don't understand," and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaperthan a nursing home."

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost fora nursing home is $200 per day.

I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of$135 per day.

That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to therestaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can havebreakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, freewashers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. Broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattressreplaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for yourinconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask forthem.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare;if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.   

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the PanamaCanal, Tahiti , Australia , New Zealand , Asia , or name where you wantto go? Princess will have a ship ready to go.

So don't look for me in a nursinghome, just call shore to ship. PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side - Nocharge.