A Martha Stewart Christmas

[Jo McDonald]

 
Dear Santa,
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy
slicer-dicers, or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.I want to slap Martha
Stewart.  Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her
smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.  Don't grant this wish just for me -- do it for
thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us
all.  Those of us leading average, garden-variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty
good about ourselve,  if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style, for dinner.
We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold.
We're plumb out of liquid gold, unless it's of the furniture polish variety.  We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce,
spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all
the holiday rush, you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend.
I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.  We discovered
that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's ordered it only once),
she also refuses to eat it cold.  When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied,
"I don't have a microwave".  The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that
suggests you shouldn't either."   Well, lah-dee-dah.  Imagine that, Santa!   That lovely microwave you
brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes, like popcorn
and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha.
What's next? The coffee maker?  In the article, we learned that Martha has 40
sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"?
And neatly put away, no less.  If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that
qualifies as "put away" in my house!  Martha tells us she's already making homemade
holiday gifts for friends.
"Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts.
Not just scarves, mind you.  Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about
giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one
has to wonder if her back is black and blue.  She goes on to tell us that "homemaking
is glamor for the twenty-first century," and says her
most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram,
and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha, "Get new
friends".  Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands
on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in
shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs.
They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of
toilet bowl sanitation.
Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine
(nosing out MotherTheresa, Madeline Allbright, and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: After she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket,
Martha said,"People saw me buy them. In an instant,
they were all gone."   I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.
(Or maybe,on second thought....)
A guest in  Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to
roller blade with her dogs and to pick fresh wild blackberries
for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about
Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on
her hands. Teaching the dogs to roller blade.  What a show
off.  If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how
Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books
from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much.
Pocket change, really. Just $5,000.  But what price
friendship, right?  When asked if others should envy her,
Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher.
You shouldn't envy  teachers. You should listen to them." . Zaslow must have
slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point,  because once the hot air came hissing out,
it couldn't be held back.  "Being an over achiever is nothing despicable. It
is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.
And of her Web page on the Internet, Martha declares
herself an  "important presence" as she graciously
helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you  have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good
smack, it's Martha Stewart.

But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.

[Jo McDonald]

I sent this post to several of my friends and received a reply from one in Illinois --- and she was a tad upset by this "bashing of Martha".
Soooooooooooo   if it offended any of you Martha fans --- Ooops  I'm sorry
Jo

[flo]

  why would anyone get upset over this?  I have read another but can't lay my hands on it.  It was "Martha Stewart's Christmas Rules".  It went something like, Sorry, Martha, forget the fine china.  I'm not spending all day washing dishes and my paper plates may not all match and forget the linen napkins.  We'll pick up a paper napkin as we fill our paper plates from the kitchen counter and we won't all be neatly seated at the dining table, we'll sit where we can find a chair.  Our driveway won't be lit with luminaries to greet our guests because quite frankly I find nothing decorative about paper sacks blazing in the wind and it goes on and on.  A little humor is good for the soul.  Especially this time of year.  Merry Christmas 

[greatguns]

I'm no Martha Stewart and have no desire to be.  Give me the paper plates and let me enjoy the family on Holidays.  Merry Christmas to everyone.

[pepelect]

   I am with Martha Paper plates suck......Keep the plastic in the toys and the gas tank...  Don't mess with the excon.......She will shank you with a toilet paper roll formed into a chef's knife.


Ever try to cut a piece of ham or a not so homemaide pie crust with a plastic spork?

You learn more washing dishes than taking out the trash.  Dishes are very green, reuseable, and good for the environment.   Save a tree grab a dishrag.   

As if there is anyone without a dishwasher for the holidays...

...That is why we have inlaws and children...



Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!        




PEP RULZ O9 

[greatguns]

I did not say anything about using plastic knives,forks, spoons, or sporks!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There is plenty of dishes to do even if I use solo plates.  I might use real plates although it will not be my fine china.  I do not have a dishwasher, but my Father had three of them and I am the latest model.  I'm pretty darn good at washing them I might add.

I learned a long time ago that if you wash your own pots and pans, you will be a better cook and learn not to burn the food.  My mincemeat pie will be homemade crust and yes, homemade mincemeat.

I forgot to have children just so I would have someone to do my dishes.  Pep I hope you and Martha have a very Merry Christmas.