Christmas Jokes and Stories

[Judy Harder]

2008's First Christmas Joke   

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just w h at do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season

[Teresa]

Dear Santa,

Please send me a baby brother.




Santa wrote back:

"Send me your mother..."

[Teresa]

Santa's Snowball Fight

   

Great fun!   This can become a bit addictive.


Turn up the volume - DON'T hit Santa - He will yell at you.


Move mouse onto the people who are not Santa and click.


Remember - DON'T hit Santa!


Click on the website listed below . . .


       http://www.elfmovie.com/swf/snowball_fight/index.html

[Teresa]

Elvis Presley and Martina McBride singing "BLUE CHRISTMAS"!

Through the "MAGIC" of digital technology, they've made this video look realistic!  It took about 4 weeks to produce.

http://www.elvispresleymusic.com.au/video/popup/blue_christmas_elvis_martina_mcbride.html     

[pam]

LOL the snowball fight IS habit formin!

[Catwoman]

Elvis Presley and Martina McBride singing "BLUE CHRISTMAS"!

Through the "MAGIC" of digital technology, they've made this video look realistic!  It took about 4 weeks to produce.

http://www.elvispresleymusic.com.au/video/popup/blue_christmas_elvis_martina_mcbride.html     


[/quote

This is wonderful to watch...I do so miss the old Elvis...the one that he degenerated into was so sad.  It's nice that Martina
used his young self in this video. 

[Warph]

As a joke, Gary, used to hang a pair of panty hose over the fireplace before Christmas.  He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.  What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although the kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true.  I put on sunglasses and  went in search of an inflatable love doll.  They don't sell those things  at Walmart, you know.  I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.  If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.  You'll only confuse yourself.  I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and  "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.  I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my suv so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult.  Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.  I settled for 'Lovable Louise.'  She was at the bottom of the price scale.  To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.  I crept down long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.  I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of Jack Daniels on a nearby tray.  I went back to bed, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning, Gary was astatic to say the least that Santa had left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left our dog, Maggie, confused.  She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.  We (the family) all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

Gary's grandmother noticed "Louise" the moment she walked in the door.

"What the hell is that?" she asked. Gary quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?," Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. 

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. 

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Gary said , trying to steer her into the dining room.  But Granny was relentless. 

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"   Again, I could have answered, but why would I?  It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,  "Hang on, Granny! Hang on!"

Gary's grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey Bub, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"  I told him she was Gary's friend.  A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.  Not just talking, but actually flirting.  It was then that I realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well.  We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.  Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.  The dog screamed.  I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.  Gary fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in the garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decided the cause of Louise's collapse.  We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.  Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.