Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama: Her Biography

[Warph]

Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama (born January 17, 1964) is the wife of U.S. senator, presumptive presidential candidate, and Oprah panty-moistener Barack Hussein Obama. She is also a lawyer, terrorist fist-jabber, and a Clown.

More than anything else, Michelle Obama is a Clown by association. That is, her Clownery really isn't based on who she is, but rather the roles she selects (e.g. glorified spokesmodel), and whatever crowd it forces her to come in contact with (e.g. the entire panel of The View and thyroid disorder Queen, Oprah Gail Winfrey).

Critics often accuse both Michelle Obama and her husband of elitism, a charge she denies, despite the fact that they're worth millions of dollars, have appeared on the cover of every publication in the known world, and receive handwritten Christmas cards from George Clooney.

Obama herself affects the persona of a regular American working woman...with a Harvard Law degree.  And fashion designers on retainer.  And laser-whitened teeth.   And Keith Oberclown from MSNBC who can't keep his hands out of his pocket when looking at her from afar.  Despite the fact that they don't look all that much like each other, you can bet that many middle Americans would have a hard time picking her out of a line up if that line up also included Condoleezza Rice.

Michelle Robinson Obama began nurturing a serious addiction to sleeveless dresses from her birth on January 17, 1964, a birthday she shares with fellow African-American role models Eartha Kitt, Steve Harvey, and Shabba Ranks. Shabba is noted for such inspirational contributions to the nation's cultural fabric as "Peanie, Peanie," "Cocky Rim," and "Love Punaany Bad."

Growing up in the South Shore area of Chicago, "The Second Clown City," Obama attended Whitney Young High School.  While at Princeton—alma mater of such time honored Clowns as Eliot Spitzer, Donald Rumsfeld, and Ralph Nader—Michelle Obama majored in sociology of Clowns with a minor in African-American studies on white-face Clowns (cir. 1809-1967).  Her brother Craig also attended Princeton, and was the fourth-leading scorer in Princeton men's basketball history, which is kind of like being salutatorian of your prison GED class.  Craig is now the head basketball coach at Oregon State.  We wish him well in his new endevor.

Michelle Obama graduated Princeton cum laude with a Bachelor of Clown Arts in 1985, before attending the biggest Clown school of all, Harvard Law School which, decade after decade since 1817 has devoted itself to turning out the Clownish cream of America's Clown crop, including disgraced former U.S. Dick Attorney General (or "Attorney Genital") Alberto Gonzalez, and total wacko Mike Dukakis.

She first met Barack Hussein as an associate at giant Clownbag corporate law firm Sidley Austin, where she was originally assigned to mentor him for the summer.  It was not long, however, Barack Hussein was mentoring her after hours and then the two totally started officedogging.  They married in 1992, and have two very lovely children, Malia Ann and Natasha ("Sasha").  What's more, they genuinely seem to lust for each other. 

Like many Clowns, Michelle Obama is a lawyer.  Like many lawyers, Michelle Obama is a Clown.  This is a perfect example of the converse logical property of Clowntitudinousness.

Far from a trophy wife—and let's face it, really not bosomy enough—Michelle Obama currently works as Vice President for Community and External Affairs at University of Chicago Hospitals.  This sounds like a made-up title.  Since the presidential campaign began like three hundred years ago, she's cut back on her hospital "responsibilities," using the days to stump for her husband, spend time with her children, and fantasize about kicking the living snot out of "Obama Girl."  Naturally, she still earns a six-figure salary part-time, down from $1 million smackeroonies a year full-time.

Ever since her husband threw himself in the democratic Clown ring, Michelle Obama has been one of Barack Hussein's closest advisors and dutiful spokespeople.  In fact, she has said that she brokered a deal in which her husband would quit smoking in exchange for her support.  Of course, she didn't know anything about Barack's "Beechnut" chaw.

Being so publicly visible, Michelle Obama leaves herself open to intense scrutiny.  Critics claim she is too frank in sharing anecdotes of Obama family life, such as her husband's terrible morning breath (God, it's awful, curls my toes) and his tendency to leave his laundry on the floor. Others find it reassuring to know that even Barack Hussein Obama leaves a streak mark from time to time.... (Dammit honey, you need to change your "bleepin' " underwear more than once a month).

She also sparked outrage amongst conservative pundits—which, in all fairness, is about as difficult as giving Tommy Lee an erection—when she said "for the first time in my life I am proud of my country."  Interestingly enough, First Lady Laura Bush leapt to her defense, saying, "the really difficult part both of running for president or being the spouse of the president is that everything you say is looked at and in many cases misconstrued."  Like anyone cares what Laura Bush has to say about anything.

Michelle Obama is noted for her love of hot cooter haute couture.  In fact, she was named to Vanity Fair World's Best Dressed List in both 2007 & 2008, which sounds impressive until you learn the list also includes The Beckhams, Kanye West, and Anderson Cooper.

On June 6, 2008, Fox News Channel anchor E.D. Hill touched off a crapstorm of controversy when she suggested that a friendly "punch it in" between Michelle and Barack Hussein Obama might be some sort of "terrorist fist jab."  Of course, Hill misconstrued the hand gesture and hasn't been seen since.  What it really meant was "Wonder Twins unite --- form of Hillary Clinton's worst nightmare."  ...Warph

[pam]

So what you're sayin is..........all the really cool kids go to Yale?

[Teresa]