Christmas with Louise

[Marcia Moore]

     As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas.  He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.  What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. 
     One year I decided to make his dream come true.  I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.  They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.  I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.  If you've never been in an x-rated store, don't go.  You'll only confuse yourself.  I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who would buy that?"  Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.  I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour.  Finding what I wanted was difficult.  Love dolls come in many different models.  The top of the line, according to the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.  I settled for "Lovable Louise."  She was at the bottom of the price scale.  To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
     One Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.  My sister-in-law was in on the plan, and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone.  I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.  I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
     The next morning, my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog VERY confused.  She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.  We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.  My grandmother noticed Louise the minute she walked in the door.  "What the hell is that?" she asked.  My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."  "Who would play with something like that?" Grandma snapped.  (I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut).  "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.  "Boy that turkey sure smells nice, Granny," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.  But Granny was relentless.  "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"  (Once again, I could have answered, but why would I?  It was Christmas, and no one wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!")  My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"  I told him she was Jay's friend.  A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to Louise – not just talking, but actually flirting.  It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
     The dinner went well.  We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.  Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.  The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.  My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and went to sit in the car.  It was indeed a Christmas dinner to treasure and remember. 
     Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.  We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.  Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
      Louise went on to star in a few bachelor party movies.  I think Grandpa still calls her when he can get out of the house. 

[Tobina+1]

OMG!  I have tears running down my face!  Did you find this story somewhere or is it true?  Wait, don't tell us.  Those people who know your brother (if you have one) might just enjoy teasing him about this one!

[Judy Harder]

That would sure liven up a family meal....................and we would never run out
of "Remember when".........thanks for the giggle...

I also like this better than "Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer".....
Should we all start the "Merry Christmas" everyone....LOL>.....
all right, I will be good and save it for next month.
Hugs and God bless us all
Judy

[Roma Jean Turner]

Great story Marcia.

[Teresa]

OMG~ I have read this before and every time I read it .. I laugh so hard.
I love it..
Thanks Marcia, for making my jaws hurt form laughing.. LOL