Preacher Billy Joe Bob Fullofits' Sermon On War

[Warph]

Bapmisserble, ARK-ansas --- Preacher Billy Joe Bob Fullofit strode to the rostrum of of the Fullofit House Of Whats Happening, a frame building reeking of plainess and poverty.  He was a tall man, dressed in his cotton white seersucker fabric suit and with the sharp facial planes and hard visage of a desert patriarch about to kill something.  The congregation shrank in their pews.  He was a man who brooked no sin, and no sinners, whom he consigned to eternal damnation, and thought they were getting off light. 

He looked fiercely about, and spoke:


"Brethren, I come before you to preach the word of our King, for these be evil times, and the children of Israel, and yea the parents and grandparents, even unto their heirs and assigns, are sore beset by the tribe of Mohammed, and Beelzebulb, and Luciferin and Luciferase.  In the name of what's right, we must gird our loins, whatever exactly gird means, and smite the followers of Allah, and suffer them not to live, neither child nor mother with child nor suckling babe.  Their lands shall be accursed and nothing there shall prosper, neither tares nor the wild ass; thus saith the King, the King of Arabia , the King of love and mercy.

"Today we shall begin our sermon with the story of Samsung and Delilah, in the book of Hezechiah, chapter fourteen, verses nine through twenty-seven, in the reign of Herod Agrippa.  In that time Israel was sore beset by the Malachites and the Catamites, even the Stalactites and Stalagmites, and the Assyrians of King Areopagitica with many chariots threatened the city of Solomon.  But Samsung spent three days and three nights fasting and praying, and sacrificed a goat, it really was a goat, and it was good in the eyes of our King. In the morning he went forth and slew them all, cutting through them with sling and samothrace as one scything wheat until not a Stalagmite was left standing.  Saving the city.

"Today, brethren, we must face the same test of our faith.  In Afghanistan, as we speak, the Mohammedan Taliban build mighty forces which they will use to conquer all of our Kingdom and enslave us, having gotten here mysteriously.

"The powers of the darkness are many and patient, and the Mohammedan awaits to make our wives and daughters into harem slaves.  It is well said that if we do not slew them there, or perhaps slay them, they will slew us here, or a slew of them will slay a slew of us there, maybe here, or they will... whatever.  Remember the second book of Malthusians, when Nero expelled the Gadarene Swine from the woman afflicted with leprosy, "Rebus sic stantibus," he said. "Carthago delenda est," which is the Latin for "Get the back whence thou camest, and thy towel."

"I urge you, brethren, to support our troops who with magnificent courage are killing the heathen with drones strikes from thousands of feet while sitting in Colorado.  To those weak in faith, who say that we are killing innocent women and children, I say unto ye, women are the source of all Taliban and thus must be military targets.  If we destroy arms factories, should we not destroy Taliban factories?  As the mighty warrior Samson would want, we will smite them, and leave them bleeding and dying, and wailing over their broken bodies, blinded and crushed and burned, that they might learn to walk in the ways of righteousness.

"And now, brethren, I want to introduce you to one of our own warriors in faith, Slick Willy Bill Brutus, who is just back from the heathen land of Afghanistan, and wounded... wounded, brethren!.... smiting the in-fiddle for youse.  Slick Willy, will you come up and testify?"

Slick Willy Bill was a big, chunky kid with a sloping forehead you could have used to bank a turn in a motorcycle race, and about every other tooth was missing so he looked like a piano keyboard.  His left arm was in a cast. 

"Slick Willy Bill," shouted Preacher Fullofit, tell your brothers and sisters how you been doing the King's work."

Slick Willy seemed uncomfortable but he sort of scrunched up his courage and said,
"Yeah, well. OK, preacher.  Well, we was out in Litani Province and there was twelve of us in a Humvee with 'bout a thousand rounds each of seven-six-two and a sack full of Preachers Fullofit Books of Faith an'..."

The preacher roared, "And tell the brethren why you had those Books, the inerrant perfect word of our King, with you!"

"Oh, yeah.  We belong to Book Spreaders, we try to bring Moslems to know the Preachers Faith, you know.  BS is real important to us, so we always...."

"You hear that?  Bringing souls to our King!"

"Well, we came to Awali, that's this village, maybe three hundred sand-flea-Taliban and their kids, all dirty and livin' in mud huts because they don't love our faith and the kids there beg for something to eat because they don't know that beggin' ain't right.  Well, we told them to get away and smacked them around a little because they might be suicide bombers, you know, and you could just tell the grown-ups hated us for our religion and our freedoms and all, and then we heard a rifle go off.  Well, they ain't supposed to have rifles. So the lieutenant called in a air strike and a couple of sixteens came in, and whoom, they just smacked the livin' dog-snot out of those towel-headed buggers and....."

"Now, Slick Willy, don't be using language like that.  Do you think our King talked that way?  It's a sin."

"I'm sorry, preacher. I won't do it again.  I don't want to commit no sin.  Anyways, it was a good strike, killed almost everybody although a few was left screamin' and makin' a fuss and women was huggin' their men or what was left, I mean, how much sense does that make?  I guess they learned their lesson.  So we went through and left Preachers Books on top of some of the dead ones so whoever found them would come to our religion and then I fell off the Humvee and broke my arm."

At which the preacher shouted, "Hosannah!  Praise the BSTroops!  While we have sat here, living a life of ease, Slick Willy Bill, Bapmisserble's own Slick Willy, has smote the in-fiddles, and saved our precious daughters from being in harems, though perhaps not in back seats, and saved our holy ARK-ansas, where we are free and snakes have handles and the King of Wrath rules as he did with Norman in the Sinai!  Let me hear Amen!"




I need a beer!

[thatsMRSc2u]

huh..........change a few names and you have the history of the "indian wars".............

[sixdogsmom]

Warph, you can pop one for me also.

[Patriot]

Preacher Billy Joe Bob Fullofit strode to the rostrum...

"And now, brethren, I want to introduce you to one of our own warriors in faith, Slick Willy Bill Brutus, who is just back from the heathen land of Afghanistan, and wounded... wounded, brethren!.... smiting the in-fiddle for youse.  Slick Willy, will you come up and testify?"...

I need a beer!

Heathen land?  Hasn't read the local section of his own newspaper apparently.  Pass the beer.