DISCLAIMER: THIS IS JUST A JOKE..DON'T GO GETTING ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE OVER IT!
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When your driving down a country road on you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.
kshillbilly I see you are getting as gun shy as I am when you post a joke. :laugh:
David
I thought the disclaimer might help as my butt is getting sore from being chewed on everytime I post something!! LOL :D
Put a book in the back of your britches..
( Worked for Spanky on the Little Rascals ;D :D )
I love the Little Rascals. Many years a go I went as Buckwheat. Theatrical paint and my own hair teased to a perfect Buckwheat ' do. A T-shirt with Buck's picture and a caption sayin' O'Tay 'Panky. I would need that book today. What I know is girls of all races loved Buckwheat. I won $100 dollars in the costume contest in a crowd of all colors. Sometimes funny is just funny. No a** chewing required or deserved.
O'tay 'Panky.
Quote from: kshillbillys on October 26, 2008, 08:36:35 PM
I thought the disclaimer might help as my butt is getting sore from being chewed on everytime I post something!! LOL :D
Kshillbilly, keep on posting, Hillbillies, are generally big time hunters and shouldn't let a bunch of barking dogs bother them. You are doing fine. Keep on keeping on.
After all, we are all RED NECKS in here and (MOST) of us have a weird sense of humor.
Yeah I know.........I am the best with the worse that can see humor in most things
I too think two or three times when I am posting, but then I deside to "let er rip" and if people don't
like it they don't have to read it.
God does like laughter, too.
God bless
> Doctor's Visit...
> Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when
> he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the
> neck up to the top of his head.
> In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might
> have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and
> told him of his problem.
>
> The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
> After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown
> liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.
>
> Barack drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted
> like bullshit!'
> The doctor replied, 'It was; you were a quart low.
A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, low and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by a Mexican Customs Agent at the Tijuana border.
'May I see your identification, por favor, senor?' asked the agent.
'I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,' replied the guy.
'Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border,' said the agent.
'But I can prove that I'm an American!' he exclaimed. 'I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other.'
'This I must see,' replied the agent. With that, the American dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent.
'Jesus, Mary , and Joseph, you're right!' exclaimed the agent. 'Have a safe trip back to Chicago Senor.'
'Thanks!' he said. 'But why do you think I'm from Chicago ?'
The agent replied, 'I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!'
It is true Judy most on here are Rednecks with crazy sense of humor, but the last two jokes on here were not just weird sense of humor they were racist and rude and if they were told to my face or anywhere around my children whoever was telling it probually would be running for the woods. I have a excellent sense of humor I laugh at almost everything but lately Ive been getting text message and email jokes that should not be told anywhere around me and Im tired of it. Im tired of people saying oh its not about race we arent racist people you are just taking it wrong. Well Im not laughing. Im a Democract my children are Half black so I guess that makes me double screwed on here doesnt it but I will tell you I am and my children will be hard workers all our lifes we will not use any assistance whatsoever we do not ask for handouts and we are proud to be Americans and my children will never play the race card as some of you put it on here. They are proud to be half black just like they are proud to be half white so to all who think that blacks and democrats ask for handouts and that we dont like to work for a living and that we are stupid and everything else you all have said on here lately you all can kiss my obama loving, democrat loving american loving elk county white butt!!!!
This is suppose to be political jokes so Ill be back in afew with acouple of jokes for you all I promise but breaks over and I have to go back to work......
And how about last night on all the major television networks, Barack Obama has a half-hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God. It's about time this guy got some media coverage, don't you think?" —David Letterman
"They now say that there may be some friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin. Staffers suspected there was something wrong when McCain started referring to Sarah Palin as 'that one.'" —David Letterman
"Although the press continues to say there are problems between John McCain and Sarah Palin, today Palin denied there was any dissension between her and McCain. And she said she has also agreed to keep him on the ticket." —Jay Leno
Barack Obama gets a half-hour on TV. Big deal. I've done 470 of these things. Where's my presidency?" —Stephen Colbert
"One week to go. One week from today, the election. As a matter of fact, earlier this morning, they, down in Florida, unloaded the crooked voting machines. So they are in midseason form." —David Letterman
"A presidential term is four years, the campaign has lasted six. And of course, you know, when they have the election next week, the winner of that election meets Hillary in the finals." —David Letterman
"Here's how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin's 2012 campaign." —David Letterman
Lots of Democrats will not vote for Obama and that does not make them racist, nor have I seen anything racist here on this forum. In fact lots of blacks, or half black as you described, will not vote for Obama. Blacks will not win this election for Obama - it will be the whites who carry the day either way for Obama. The are many conservative blacks in this country and many of them are much more conservative than most conservative whites. I've read the conservative black editorial opinions on this forum although there was no indication of their race, I know who the blacks are. Futher, I personally know and have been around conservative blacks myself. They stand for the Constitution. I encourage you to learn more about the black folks in this country and their contribution to our country and its history.
Quoteso to all who think that blacks and democrats ask for handouts and that we dont like to work for a living and that we are stupid and everything else you all have said on here lately you all can kiss my obama loving, democrat loving american loving elk county white butt!!!!
Lol, You GO!
Did I say a thing about all blacks being Democrat NONONO I did not. And I have seen many many racist remarks on this forum and have choose to stay silent because I do know where I come from. And you are very right there are many conservative african americans and you are also right in saying that it will be the whites who will carry Obama to a hopeful victory...What your not right in saying is that I need to learn about black folk etc.I have studied African American culture, history and know alot about the contributions that blacks have left on this country I learned this in college then as a adult I began to study it more I had children then and began to really study it because I was left a single mother raising three half black children who need to know about their race and their culture so anytime you want to go head to head about anything then bring it on.....So go back and read what I wrote again and see I did not say all blacks or half blacks will vote for Obama I said I WAS A DEMOCRAT AND I AM VOTING FOR OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!! AND YOU CAN KISS MY BUTT!!!!!and the comment about blacks and democrats not wanting to work and all that is stuff that has come up in the past forums so have at it.....
Cows & Politics Explained
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: I don't care what ya say THAT's funny :laugh: :laugh: I want to be an Italian corporation I think :P
::)Me too!!! Pass the wine please!
OMG, Howell4Ever!! Way to give them a piece of your mind! There are many people that don't have a clue what racism is. It is treating others in a particular manner based on race. Stereotyping, which runs rampant on this forum, is a form of racism. Though it may not be intended to be hurtful, it at times is to those on the receiving end (such as your children). I know your beliefs and I must say you are a hardworking individual who has never accepted handouts. And yes, you are very knowledgeable on black culture and history, so for someone to make a comment that you need to learn about black folks, that is absolutely hilarious!!
Love ya Sis!!
I personally think we should concentrate on learning about our own white culture. There is a lot to be proud of.
And frankly I didn't think anyone played the race card in here...except the one who hollered the loudest.
Actually we know about all that there is about our white background and our culture too. Our family has done the whole family tree thing on where we came from and our past ancesters which turned out to be completely cool alot of neat things are on the Howell and the thurman side of who we are...And it taught us who we are and where we came from. I believe you should learn about all people....No matter what race or believes people have its all very interesting to learn...
And I am very proud of my white heritage and very proud to be American...
Quote from: Teresa on November 05, 2008, 01:48:36 AM
I personally think we should concentrate on learning about our own white culture. There is a lot to be proud of.
And frankly I didn't think anyone played the race card in here...except the one who hollered the loudest.
You are so right, Teresa.
Think we should learn about our HUMAN culture cause underneath we are all the same color, and we ALL have things to be proud of AND to be ashamed of. But that's just my opinion and what the hell do I know.........
Pam I think you are very correct and you do know alot...
I love where I am. just love it. listen to America.
Lol not bein racist don't make us ashamed of who we are....anybody who's alive has experienced SOME kind of predjudice...from race to gender to religion to our political preference LOL........ ::) :D
Back to HUMOR!!! Reply #16 Cows & Politics Explained
Really Enjoyed that!! Thanks!!
Make the most of Everyday and Enjoy the Sunrise and Sunset
LOL Maxine rules!
Well Burnt Hills there are afew people you will get along with just perfectly on here .... Welcome to the forum enjoy and good day to you... Peace ;D ;D ;D And Pam I love Maxine too its sooo funny... ;D ;D
it was kind of cute. Senator Barack Obama, President-elect Barack Obama and his wife went on their first date since the election. They actually went on a date, they went out and had dinner. And it is weird, though, when you think about it, don't you, to have a Democrat in the White House who actually dates his own wife?" --David Letterman
"And then today, the big transition process begins, because earlier today, Barack Obama met with President Bush at the White House. So you had the president-elect and the president-inept, so they were there together." --David Letterman
"But I'm no pundit. I don't know anything about politics, but as soon as Barack Obama shook hands with President Bush, Obama's ratings went down 10 points." --David Letterman
Today was another historic day. President Bush took President-elect Barack Obama on a tour of the White House. At one point, Barack opened a closet. Bush said, 'Oh, don't open that,' and a huge stack of unread intelligence memos fell out." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama attended a parent-teacher conference at his daughters' school the other day. And a very positive meeting. The teacher said, both the girls already reading at a President Bush level." --Jay Leno
Everybody seems to be ganging up on Sarah Palin lately. Have you noticed that? Oh, boy. Now, when she goes hunting, the moose return fire. That's how bad it's gotten." --Jay Leno
"Well, Sarah Palin continuing to speak out. She said she now knows Africa is not a country. She also knows that, with the campaign over, she's looking forward to a nice, relaxing vacation in the nation of Hawaii." --Jay Leno
How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said,"Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said,"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said,"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said,"How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said,"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said,"We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
A Bus Load Of Politicians Crashes
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back."
The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie." ;D
This makes me so sad. I am a registered democrat and most of the time I am
proud of it, but not if this is the true picture. BOY do we need to change. (I did not vote
democrat this time, but still am for the blue collar worker!
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus sitting over there?' The waitress nodded 'yes,' so the Republican re quested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus over there?' The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, 'My treat.' The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, 'Hey there, honey! How's about getting' me a cold glass of Miller Light?' He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that God's boy over there?' The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. 'On my bill,' he said.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed.' The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed.' The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, 'Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability.'
The IRS Genie...
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
********POOF******
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.
*******POOF*******
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
******POOF******
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.