Talking Dogs
A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Beagle replies After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?' The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.' 'I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a BSer ... He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!'
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This is hiissssssssssssssssterical!
There was this guy who was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes, then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
Again, there was no answer from his new pet.
He waited a few minutes more, then decided to ask him one more time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?"
A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
HA!!! :laugh:
BELIEVE it or not , These are Nashville , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: N o
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
YOU GOTTA LOVE HIM!!!!!!
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV AIDS virus. My parents live in Fort Worth . One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .
I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three young teenage daughters. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is still a part time "working girl."
All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. BUT, I want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?
Paul
Jo very funny. I didn't see that punch line coming. :laugh: That is a great joke.
David
THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDENER
>
> An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
>tomato
>garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.. His only son,
>Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter
>to
>his son and described his predicament:
>
>
>Dear Vincent,
>
>I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
>tomato garden this year.
>
>
>I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were
>here my troubles would
>be over.
>
>I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
>Love, Dad
>
>
>A few days later he received a letter from his son:
>
>
>Dear Dad,
>
>Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
>Love, Vinnie
>
>
>At 4 a.m. The next morning,
>FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without
>finding any bodies.
>
>They apologized to the old man and left.
>
>
>
>That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
>
>
>Dear Dad,
>
>Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
>circumstances.
>
>
>Love you, Vinnie
>
Hmmm, Maybe I'll try that next year. ;D ;D ;D
Judy, I love it, that is a good one.
Frank
Operation
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips
reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon
agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed
beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell
anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the
first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized
because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
OLD TIMER SEX
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the
village
tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and
we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to
see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep
an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each
other f or support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get
to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence,
the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into
the most furious sex that the policeman has ever
seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both
are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the
old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is
truly amazing, I've got to ask them what t heir secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me,
but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic
sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years
ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Ahem... ;D ;D ;D
Oh, Judy!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
(gasp) JUDY! You post the religious thoughts for the day... and then you post these (funny) jokes!? That's great!
tobina..........don't you know God likes a laugh too.
Just think about it.
He created us........He made us the way we are...........He made my funny bone (and yours)
So, it is all HIS fault when we dare to laugh at other things.
I just know HE laughs right along with us!!! LOL.
I have cleaned up my posting a lot..........I use to share all my emails with everyone I knew.
Then I have recieved a few ( I must say that most of the X rated or suggestive ones came from my cousin who passed on and she was the daughter of a Pastor............and her brother keeps me entertained now), that I have to delete.............. I can't decide if Teresa would have a heart attack or not..
I just keep it clean-er now.
Judy
Teresa have a heart attack over a joke??
((You don't know Teresa very well now do you?)) :D
But in this forum.. we have to try to keep it somewhat in control and clean..
No heart attacks for Teresa.. but there are others who would have cardiac arrest. ..( or would at least publicly ACT like they would ;) )
You might get a chuckle from this: (I hope it doesn't offend anyone)
Doctors Never Laugh
..the Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a Patient.'
Okay then, the patient said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started Giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. 'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen' he replied.
Ha HA...........thanks Carl.........
That is one I recieved last week and I am so glad you shared.
A good one!
This is just too funny not to share.
Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately... The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes
throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bite to eat.'
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....
Oh yuk!!! ;D
exactly what I thought, Diane
A school teacher from Livingston Parish, Louisiana sent this out.
This is a child's name!
"Le - a"
How would you pronounce this as a child's name???
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
Are you resorting to tongue clicks yet??
Scroll down It's pronounced "Ledasha" oh yes...you read it right. The dash is not silent.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish. (Louisiana)
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said "the dash don't be silent."
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his
friend is very well endowed.
"Damn John, you're hung!" Chuck exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Chuck asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter.
I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches!
You should try it." Chuck agrees and the two say good bye.
A few months later the two are in the same locker room and John asks Chuck
how his situation was.
Chuck replied, "I did what you said, John, but I've actually gotten
smaller! I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco!!?" John exclaimed!! "Damn it, Chuck, Crisco is shortening!"
So that's the difference between butter and shortening! :o :o :o ::)
You girls are ornery