A good story you can tell even your youngest child and they will know
the difference between a liberal Democrat and a conservative Republican.
I remember the time that Catherine, one of my daughter Shannon's friends
when she was little, told me that she wanted to be President one day.
Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were standing there with
us - and I asked Catherine, 'If you were President what would be the
first thing you would do?'
Catherine replied, 'I would give houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow, what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.' I told her, 'You
don't have to wait until you are President to do that, you can come over
to my house and clean up all the dog poop in the back yard and I will
pay you $ 5. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless
guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 to use for a new house.'
Catherine, who was about 8, thought that over for a second and then she
replied, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog
poop and you can pay him the $5.'
Welcome to the Republican Party, Catherine!!
OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel ass!!!
:D
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs (A Political Fable)
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch,
she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began
calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope,
she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing . .. .....
'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama!'
Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed,
'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...
How To Tell if your favorite congressman is crooked...
* When you shake hands with him, two of your fingers are suddenly missing.
* He has an off shore corporation based in the Bahamas that supposed to sell bananas.
* Instead of calling him "congressman" his employees call him "boss".
* He has a wife at home, another in D.C., a maid, a housekeeper, a college intern, an out of college intern, and three more secretaries than he needs.
* He has a house in your district, but he never lives there, and one in Las Vegas, another in Costa Rica, another in D.C., another in Spain.
* Everyone pays him--the gardener, the garbageman, the cable guy, the local councilman, the mayor, the CEO from the airline, his mistress, his dog and the goldfish.
* The only way he gets to talk before the television cameras is if he is indicted.
* At roll call, he always seems to be on a foreign junket.
* Everyone else pays his bills.
* His pictures appear in his district at election time, but he can never make those debates that he scheduled.
* His dog is named "Bugsy".
* All of his real estate holdings pay no taxes.
* His apartment buildings are run down and need of attention.
* His daughter and son are running for student council, and Dad is supporting them with a ticker tape parade down the school hallway.
* His guest list at his parties include labor leaders, politicians,
* Miss America winners, Miss Universe Winners, some business men with lots of money and nobody from the press.
* His suits come from Paris instead of "Suit Bargain Express".
* His headquarters is in a high-rise.
* He never looks straight at you when he shakes your hand.
* After he does so, you notice that your rings are missing,too.
* His fillings in his mouth are now made of gold.
* His wife is driving his old Cadillac. His mistress is driving the new Lexus, and she is driving him.
* He has pictures of well-known politicians on his wall-with names such as "Lucky" and "Big Jim" and "Shifty".
* He spends more time in Las Vegas than he does in Washington.
* You only see him in the district around election time.
Today's youth are getting the opportunity to vote in their very first national election.
Here are some tips to help them:
* There are two political parties that dominate the electoral process, known as Democratic and Republican. Parties that you used to go to at Rocky Top's Bar, is not part of the current political scene.
* You vote by ballot at a polling place, you don't have to raise your hand and ask, "may I?" to get a ballot. If you are registered, they will let you have one.
* Girls, only one person at a time in a voting booth. This isn't the ladies room. There is no mirror in there.
* Instead of a listed candidate for an office, you can write-in your own choice. Just make sure it isn't a rap star's name from Harlem, or a deejay from Malibu that you put in as a joke. The listed candidates are funny enough.
* Contrary to popular opinion, you do not have to memorize the listing of candidates before you vote. This isn't a civics or constitution test. It isn't a test of your intelligence unless you voted for a cartoon character from an old Disney movie. Then they know that you haven't any intelligence.
* Some voting booths have "touch screens" to electronically register your choices. But it isn't a video game and don't search for "Monsters from Nara" or "Batman's Fantasy Shootout" on a side screen.
* Don't call the elderly election judge "pops". Nobody has done that since 1940. Also, the poll watchers outside are not spies from China.
* No cussing at the candidates names when you are in the voting booth. You should have done all of your cussing before you arrived and during the campaign. It's only after the election is over is when you finally realize that you voted in imbeciles.
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/laughingblond.gif)
Ohhh ..I needed that!
"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno
"We're leaning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big biography tour. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go, 'Why is he running for president?'" --Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman
"John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old." --Conan O'Brien
LOL.......thanks!
I like that one, Jo.
;D ;D ;D
John McCain and Barack Obama are bickering over what to do when they catch Osama bin Laden. Obama wants to bring him to trial. John McCain wants to shoot him.
I said, "Guys — how about somebody finding him first!"
*David Letterman*
A Democratic strategist finds himself at the Pearly Gates. The strategist is taken inside Heaven by St. Peter and given a guided tour. He's led into one huge room that is full of millions of clocks, and he notices a clock with his name on it that has stopped.
St. Peter explains that everyone has a clock that counts down the seconds of their life, and when someone dies, their clock stops.
All this fascinates the strategist but when he examines all of the other clocks, he notices that some of the clocks' second hands are
moving faster than others.
St. Peter explains that every time someone tells a lie, which is a sin, they lose part of their life, so their clock's second hand ends up moving faster.
The Democratic strategist looks around but doesn't see Barack Obama's clock, so he asks St. Peter where it is. "Oh," answers St. Peter, "that's being used as a ceiling fan."
Hilary Clinton is busy trying to do the duties of being a Senator.
She goes for her usual check-up when her doctor informs her that
she is pregnant. She is furious at this news and the minute she leaves
the doctor's office she calls up Bill and begins to yell at him.
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now,
you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this!
I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!!
Well, what have you got to say???"
All she hears on the other line is silence.
She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says,
"Who is this?"
:D :D :D
That's funny....
Funny, but old, very old! :P :P
I'm sorry, SixDogs.... did you mean the joke or you??? :angel:
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline company, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the Successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...What a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Barack Hussein Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America .
He is considered by those who have dealt with him, as a little more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent rural elementary school meeting in North Texas , he asked the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Little Johnny with a proud Texas Drawl, pierced the quiet!
'Well, stupid, stop clapping!'
LOL, Judy!!!! :-) :-)
Here are a few good John McCain jokes courtesy our nations best comedians: Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien
"Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don't want to take sides here, but I think it's pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of, John McCain." –Jay Leno
"Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news. John McCain says he's trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. ... He's an older gentleman. That's the idea there. You'll be hearing more of those in the next nine months, because that's our take. Until he gets a whore." –Conan O'Brien
"The New York Times is claiming that John McCain, who is 71 years old, had an inappropriate relationship with a woman who is a Washington lobbyist. The good news is there's no footage. Political experts say this could be a huge scandal for McCain because he's married and the woman he's accused of having an affair with is 31 years younger than he is. In a related story, earlier today McCain was endorsed by Bill Clinton." –Conan O'Brien
"As you know, last week the big rumor, according to the New York Times, is John McCain was allegedly sleeping with a a young, attractive lobbyist. Well, that story has pretty much gone away. In fact, the only one trying to keep it alive now? John McCain." –Jay Leno
Yeah, I like politicalhumor.about.com/library/bldailyfeed3.htm, too. It's interesting that they post all of the late night talk show hosts jokes daily, updating them daily.
There are some interesting John McCAin quotes on About.com also, under the heading McCainisms. ;D
McCainisms...hmmm.
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"This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, the Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." –Conan O'Brien
"John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman
"Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One." --Conan O'Brien
"McCain of course has the nomination sewed up. He's now auditioning candidates for vice president, and they're visiting at his home in Arizona. I believe it's called Casa Viagra. I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch, I think it's the Double Hernia. No no, his home in Arizona -- the Rancho Prostato." --David Letterman
"Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies. Apparently they email each other back and forth. So, you've got a 23-year-old gorgeous, blonde actress emailing a married presidential candidate. Well, what could go wrong there? Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury." --Jay Leno
"CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the independent vote. Yeah, of course, to John McCain, independent means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help." --Conan O'Brien
"And John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he's someplace else. He's got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he'll meet with the public. Yeah, it's all part of McCain's 'Speak Up, I Can't Hear You' tour." --Conan O'Brien
"McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two." --Bill Maher
"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain have all been arguing, claiming that they're the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. Yeah, McCain said, 'I'm the most qualified, because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien
"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno
"We're leaning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big biography tour. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go, 'Why is he running for president?'" --Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman
"John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old." --Conan O'Brien
"Today, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for mistakenly saying that Iran was sending aid to al Qaeda in Iraq, which is not true. And afterwards, President Bush told McCain, 'Don't worry about it. I didn't know that either.'" --Jay Leno
"You know who I like is that John McCain. ... He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. He looks like the guy who can't stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. He looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. He looks like the guy who always has wiry hair growing out of new places. He looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain, plus McCain's jokes about Letterman)
"It was reported that Barack Obama's Secret Service name is 'Renegade,' while Hillary Clinton's is 'Evergreen.' That's true. Meanwhile, John McCain's Secret Service name is 'Enlarged Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Senator McCain, running for president, is in Iraq. Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as Mesopotamia." --David Letterman
"Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news. John McCain says he's trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. ... He's an older gentleman. That's the idea there. You'll be hearing more of those in the next nine months, because that's our take. Until he gets a whore." --Conan O'Brien
"Congratulations to John McCain, he wrapped up the Republican nomination this week. And we know this is official now because Mike Huckabee dropped out and said he was joining forces with John McCain. Oh, great, you've got one guy who doesn't believe in evolution, and another guy who remembers it." --Bill Maher
"He looks like the guy at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything...He looks like a guy who's backed over his own mailbox...He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors." --David Letterman (Read more Letterman jabs at Old Man McCain)
Man, I sure wish I had the free time that you seem to have! Lucky you! :laugh:
hahahahah.. Oh tallerthanmost.. I loved the video...
I probably would have been in the same situation...
I would have had to uhhh and ahhhhh and ... uhhh and ahhh some more if the question was sprung on me.. ;D.
That was great.. and I betcha MCCain got a hoot out of it too...after seeing it. LOL
Actually Catwoman I have little time( even though I am a Democrat) I do work 50 to 60 hours a week to keep food on the table and gas in my truck... So the time I do have I like to spend laughing at youtube LOL!!!
My God, ttm...can I ask...what job do you hold that you would have to put in 50-60 hours per week? You have my admiration. Working that many hours outside of the house would be a killer task for anyone.