Elk County Forum

A Winter Statistic

98% of Americans say
'Oh Shit!' before going
in the ditch on a
slippery road.

The other 2% are
from rural Kansas and they say,
'Hold my beer and watch this.'

The Bathtub Test

   It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
   "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
   "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup".
   "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Good one!  ;D ;D

I'm glad you wrote about the bath tub, just in case I am ever given that test! 

I passed it once, but the next time they ask me, who knows?  ;D ;D ;D cute!!!!

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.  ~Author Unknown

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret

Grandmothers are just "antique" little girls. ~Author Unknown

Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. ~Welsh Proverb

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~Author Unknown

Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal

Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown

Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Pop-pops have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~Ogden Nash

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~Author unknown

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever. ~Author Unknown

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse

My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ~Henry Youngman

If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is no fun for old people like it!  ~Hannah Whithall Smith

It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown

Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old. ~Mary H. Waldrip

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Proverb

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. ~Dave Barry

I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense.. ~Gene Perret

Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love.  ~Author Unknown

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley

Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice. ~Author Unknown

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. ~Author Unknown

One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. ~Author Unknown

If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother.  ~G. Norman Collie

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. ~Author Unknown

What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby

3 wishes and a Genie

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden
and a West Virginian are all working together one
day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops
out of it.

"I will give each on you one wish, which is three
wishes in total",  says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm.
I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."

POOF!  With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada
was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,
Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."

POOF!  Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there
was a huge wall around those countries.

The West Virginian says, "I am very curious. Please tell
me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high,
5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The West Virginian sits down, cracks a beer, smiles,
and says, "Fill it with water."

I pretty much vote this my favorite email of the year.... !!!!!!!!!!

The strong young man at the construction site was
bragging that he could  outdo anyone in a feat of
strength. He made a special case of making fun
of one of the older workmen. .After several minutes,
the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your
money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something
in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't
be able to wheel back.""You're on, old man," the braggart
replied. "Let's see what you got."The old man reached
out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then,
nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, dumb ass!
Get in."

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.   
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
;D ;D ;D ::) ::) ::)

Jo, that is the kind of thinking that I absolutely love. Judy, now that the bad guys are going to use more women, you better watch out! ;D

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has  caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the  "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled  "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes  the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Oh my gosh, where in the world did you find that!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

That is sooo funny.
Proves that you don't want to leave your husband alone for too long roaming in the store while you shop.

Gunslinger & the Old Prospector

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young cocky gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man' s feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his
gun and turned around and staggered back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and
pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The
gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd
watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both
barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Have you ever kissed a mule square on his ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed real hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."



The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old guys.

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Those are really good....and how true.

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him
"Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license,
I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said,
"But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine
years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the
minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I
said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my
whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't
want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone would
enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were
married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is
barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the
dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told
the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and
a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The
clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You
don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on
TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to
fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I
was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking
all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I
was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I
said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next
Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and
had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever
foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my
first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has
been my best friend all my life but now it has left me
for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and
the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand
that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a
dog."

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a
card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to
learn more -
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the
desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is:
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully
wash their genital regions
You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then
rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's
examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to
Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles fom here."
"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

PEDIATRIC NURSE----TOOOOOO CUTE

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.

Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux are quietly sitting in a boat fishing and quietly sucking down some cold drinks when suddenly Boudreaux says, "Thibodeaux, I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Thibodeaux slowly sips his drink and says, "You better think it over Boudreaux - women like that are hard to find."

******************************************************************************************************

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".
He can't remember what happened after that...

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Buster, the wonder
dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think I had, an
elephant?  So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her
that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet
again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.  I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.
 
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car
hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there
anymore.

MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD


Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'


Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'



The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'



'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

(http://www.downrange.tv/images/chewinggum.jpg)

  One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,  her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared  and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
  The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and  that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their  family.
  The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble  set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
  The seamstress replied, "No."
  The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed  with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
  Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
  The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
  The seamstress replied, "Yes."
  The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
  Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the  riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the  water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
  The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a  misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up  with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my  husband.
  Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not  in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
  And so the Lord let her keep him.
  The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and  honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others.
  That's our story, and we're sticking so it.
Signed,
All Us Women

Okay Carl, you can go on to bed now! You done yer duty fer today! You are indeed a good man! LOL!!!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it
. . Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a
steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the
fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio
is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to
one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . . Foods are fried these
days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to
me.



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay
in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

AND . . . . .

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final
word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages
and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English must be our problem.

ROFL....thank YOU, Jo, for great giggles. I remember reading something like this years ago, but I laughed just as hard the second time. Three cheers for vegetables!

This makes me happy I'm having some good old healthy chili with cornbread for supper!

 


   









Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.  When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.     :laugh:

Midlife Crisis Cure

  When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. "Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
  My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."

  Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

You are learning aren't you? LOL!!  ;D ;D

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had
never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?"pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that
it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had
the flu all winter."

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while
visiting a primary school class, found themselves in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead
the discussion of the word 'tragedy'. So the
illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an
example of a 'tragedy'.


One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best
friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field
and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead,
that would be a tragedy.'

No,' says the Great Jesse Jackson, 'that would be an
accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

I'm afraid not,' explains the exalted Reverend Al.
'That's what we would call a great loss. ' The room
goes silent. No other children volunteered.


Reverend Al searches the room. 'Isn't there someone
here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises
his hand. In a stern voice he says: 'If a plane
carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were
struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy.'

Fantastic!' exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, 'That's
right. And can you tell me why that would be a
tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny, 'because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be
an accident either.

ouch! ::) ;D ;D ;D

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm
a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your
ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on
both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have
sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.

"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once
or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

Investment Tips for 2008 - Thought I would share the knowledge ...

Maybe I shouldn't give you some of these, but here goes:  Investment tips for 2008 for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008.
1.)  Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Ful ler Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:  Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.)  PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:  Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.)  3M will merge with Goodyear and become:  MMMGood.
4.)  Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:  ZipAudiDoDa .
5.)  FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6.)  Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7.)  Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8.)  Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:  Knott NOW! And finally ....

9.)  Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:  TittyTittyBang Bang.

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such an intriguing and seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The! Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:

By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.

 

       HA!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"  The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...... "My wife's first husband."

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife....>

> A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
> submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
> my interest.  The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
> little something extra for my wife Julie.
> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.  The effects
> of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
> adverse affect
> on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety ...
> "WAY TOO COOL"
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
> batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!  I was
> disappointed.
> I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
> against a metal
> surface at the same time ... I'd get the blue arc of electricity
> darting back and
> forth between the prongs.  AWESOME !!!
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
> on the face
> of her microwave.
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn't
> be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right ?
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> (trusting little soul)
> while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
> to try this
> thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and thought
> better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to give
> this thing to my wife
> to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
> it would work as
> advertised. Am I wrong ?
> So ... there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
> reading glasses perched
> delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
> taser in another.
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
> disorient your assailant;
> a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
> loss of bodily
> control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
> flop on the
> ground like a fish out of water.
> Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> long, less than 3/4 inch
> in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,
> bitsy triple-A batteries)
> thinking to myself, " No Possible Way "
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
> best... I'm sitting there
> alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
> "don't do it master,"
> reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little thing
> couldn't hurt all that bad.
> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it.  I
> touched the prongs to
> my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF
> MASS DESTRUCTION !!!
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
> me up in the recliner,
> then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
> tears in my eyes, body
> soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
> with my left arm tucked
> under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
> The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
> before, licking
> my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"
> Note ... If you ever feel compelled to " Mug" yourself with a taser,
> one note of caution ...
> there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself !
> You will not let go
> of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
> thrashing about on the floor.
> A three-second burst would be considered conservative.SON-OF-A-...
> That hurt like
> **%!!!  A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
> relative thing at that point),
> I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
> the landscape.
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
> they get up there?
> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My
> face felt like it had been
> shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
> looking for my testicles!
> I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return !!!
> Still In Shock !!!
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it !!!

If you think Education is difficult ... " Try Being Stupid."

That was a good one! You should send it to Bill Engvall to have him include it in his "Here's your sign" list.

This one is funny, but hardly compares:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continues writing the ticket.
I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in "08."

Gotta Luv It!!! LOLOLOL!!!  ;D ;D

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by
saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Gloria stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Gloria?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

**************
Little Gloria watched, fascinated, as her mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do
you do that, mommy?" she asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said her mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Gloria. "Giving up?"

***************
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on
His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long
time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Charles raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Henry was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Gloria, waving her hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his
wits and asked Little Gloria how she knew this
Little Gloria said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door,
and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

****************
The math teacher saw that little Gloria wasn't paying attention in class. 
She called on her and said, "Gloria!  What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Gloria quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

***************
Little Gloria's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted
criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo
of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Gloria asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

***************
Little Gloria attended a horse auction with her father. She watched as her
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and
chest. After a few minutes, Gloria asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are
healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Gloria, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Why are wedding dresses white?


IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!!!!!!
 
IT'S EVEN A BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT !!!!!!!


 
Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,  "Son, this shows your friends

and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
 
"Son, all household appliances come in white."

THE OLD MAN WAS GROCERY SHOPPING WITH HIS GRANDSON, A TODDLER, WHO WAS CRYING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.  AS THE OLD GENTLEMAN WALKED UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PEOPLE COULD HEAR HIM SOFTLY SAYING, "WE ARE ALMOST DONE, ALBERT, TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT.  LIFE WILL GET BETTER, ALBERT."



AS HE APPROACHED THE CHECKOUT STAND, HE CAREFULLY BRUSHED TEARS FROM THE TODDLER'S EYES AND SAID AGAIN, "TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT, WE WILL BE HOME SOON, ALBERT."



AS HE WAS PAYING, THE TODDLER CONTINUED TO CARRY ON AND A YOUNG WOMAN IN LINE SAID,  "IT'S WONDERFUL HOW SWEET YOU ARE TO POOR LITTLE ALBERT."

THE OLD GENTLEMAN BLINKED HIS EYES A COUPLE OF TIMES AND SAID,  "MY GRANDSON'S NAME IS JOHN.  I AM ALBERT."

A 3-year-old's Tea Party!!

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and
my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe  3
years old and had just recovered from an accident in
which my arm had been broken among other injuries. 

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift
and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living
room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was
playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups
of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch
me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the
hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink
it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place
that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'




"Patience is the art of losing your temper slowly."

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. 
Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup.
And I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.

Ol' Blue


  A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
   
  "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern ducation is developing!  They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
   
  "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
   
  "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
   
  So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
   
  About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
   
  "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.
   
  "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't be lieve this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
   
  "Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
   
  "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
   
  The money promptly arrives.
   
  But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
   
  So he shoots the dog.
   
  When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
   
  "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
   
  "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
   
  Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
   
  The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
   
  "I sure did, Dad!"
   
  "That's my boy!"
   
  The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

"Lucky Night At The Bar"

A guy had an interesting experience recently
involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was
drinking quite a bit and, while they were
chatting, she came right out and asked him
if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a
mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him
into it. So she slams back one last drink,
wipes her mouth and, looking directly into
his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the
hall light right as they enter her place, and she
shouts upstairs:

"Mom! You still awake?"

Blonde Farmer's Wife
     
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.  Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know.....how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"   "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"  The blonde turns to walk away, and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

HATE YOUR JOB?

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, (even if retired you have those sometimes) try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.  When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.  Open the package and remove the thrermometer.  Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.  You will notice that in small print there is a statement:  "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the termometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE  A - -THAN YOURS!

GRANDMA STILL DRIVES- She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter:

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, And then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started Waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger Stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window And gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!


A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is When I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon, Love, Grandma

I Love it!  ;D ;D

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband

Yes Carl, you will probably learn yet!!  8) 8)

Yuk, yuk....what a hoot! ;D ;D ;D

 
 






A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
                             Kind of makes you proud.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Cute! :D

THE COLONOSCOPY......
> >
> > I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
> > His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room
> > and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor
could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.
>
> After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While
waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next
to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

> > When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little
confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

> > At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
> > over to the door he flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

> > Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!
> >
> > I said a BUTT LIGHT "

I fell off my chair.

When I get my 2008 annual physical exam, if I can remember to do so, I will copy that joke and leave a copy with both the doctor and the nurse.

It seems like the nurse spends as much preliminary time with me as the doctor.

                   Ole


Ole, a furniture dealer from Brainerd MN, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his
store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition,
he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat
enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the
other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked
him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand), so he motioned to the
vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English,
but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to
communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and
showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and
drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the
bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner,
after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the
band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the
furniture business

A Russian And A Redneck Wrestler Were Set To Square Off For The Olympic
Gold Medal. Before The Final Match, The Redneck Wrestler's Trainer Came To
Him And Said, "now, Don't Forget All The Research We've Done On This
Russian. He's Never Lost A Match Because Of This 'pretzel' Hold He Has.
Whatever You Do, Do Not Let Him Get You In That Hold! If He Does, You're
Finished."



The Redneck Nodded In Acknowledgment.

As The Match Started, The Redneck And The Russian Circled Each Other
Several Times, Looking For An Opening.

All Of A Sudden, The Russian Lunged Forward, Grabbing The Redneck And
Wrapping Him Up In The Dreaded Pretzel Hold. A Sigh Of Disappointment Arose
>From The Crowd And The Trainer Buried His Face In His Hands, For He Knew
All Was Lost. He Couldn't Watch The Inevitable Happen.

Suddenly, There Was A Scream, Then A Cheer From The Crowd And The Trainer Raised His Eyes Just In Time To Watch The Russian Go Flying Up In The Air. His Back Hit The Mat With A Thud And The Redneck Collapsed On Top Of Him Making The Pin And Winning The Match.

The Trainer Was Astounded. When He Finally Got His Wrestler Alone, He Asked, "how Did You Ever Get Out Of That Hold? No One Has Ever Done It Before!"

The Wrestler Answered "well, I Was Ready To Give Up When He Got Me In That Hold But At The Last Moment, I Opened My Eyes And Saw This Pair Of Testicles Right In Front Of My Face. I Had Nothing To Lose So With My Last Ounce Of Strength I Stretched Out My Neck And Bit Those Babies Just As Hard As I Could."

The Trainer Exclaimed, "so That's What Finished Him Off!"
..
.
.

"not Really. But You'd Be Amazed How Strong You Get When You Bite Your Own Nuts."

                   WHITE LIE CAKE


Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this,
especially all of those who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies'  Group in
Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.  She remembered
the  morning of the bake sale & after rummaging through cabinets, found an
angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, &
helping her son pack for Sc out camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat
and the cake was horribly disfigured. she thought, "Oh dear, there is not
time to bake another cake."

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at
her new church & in her new community of friends. So, being  inventive,
she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the
cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She  plunked
it in & covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look
beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church & head for
work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda & gave her some money & specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 & to  buy
the cake & bring it home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect
cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone & called her mom.

ilies of Tuscaloosa.  But, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a
believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old
South &, to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a
beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

After being interviewed
By the school administration,
The eager teaching prospect
Said:

"Let me see
If I've got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids,
And Fill their every waking moment with a love for learning,
And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and Even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases,
Check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and
Raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote,
How to balance a checkbook, And How to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain A safe environment, Recognize
Signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams,
Even those who don't come to school regularly or
Complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps
Get an equal education Regardless Of the extent of their mental
Or physical handicap.

I am to communicate regularly with the parents By letter, telephone,
Newsletter and report card.

All of this I am to do
With just
A piece of chalk,
A computer,
A few books,
A bulletin board,
A big smile
AND
On a starting salary
That qualifies my family
For food stamps!

You want me To do all of this
And

Then you tell me..."

"I CAN'T PRAY?"

I've seen this before on the bulletin board in the teachers' room at Stanton Middle School. Love it!!!!

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either. :P :P ;D

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can't possibly be mine.' 'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How
often do you have sex?'

The man seemed a bit ashamed.  'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well , there you have it!' the doctor said.
'It's rust.'

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:


30% of women think their ass is too fat............


10% of women think their ass is too skinny......


The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world. 

Atlanta Airport

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South.  Some of you will enjoy this more than others...   Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION
COURSE.   INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now  and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

 TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?'
SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

' A WITCH, .....WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW., TAKIN MY TEETH WITH HER.'

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D TERESA !!

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying,
"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas then asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily cackled and yelled in unison --
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

That is just TOOO!!! FUNNNYYYYY!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

A dog is truly a man's best friend.


If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.


Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.


When you open the trunk,........... which one is really happy to see you?

A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.       

Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "Yes, I did!"  The bank robber raises his gun, points it at the guys head, pulls the trigger and kills him deader than a door nail.
       
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did!"

If only us husbands could get a copy of this bank robbers schedule so we could take our wives to the next bank on his list.

Shame on you Carl!!  ;D ;D

Just kidding -  :angel:

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook
a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they
were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest
sprinkled holy water over him, he said,   "You were born a Baptist, and
raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved,  until Friday night arrived, and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into
Bubba's yard,  clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and
watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz
raised a deer, but now you a catfish.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a damned duck!"

6 TRUTHS OF LIFE

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You will soon forward this to another idiot

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.


I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus,
or occasionally pee on yourself...

You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special.

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to
$500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts
for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.


Upstairs, the wife thinks, " I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be wearing nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."



She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.  The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"........


He never heard the shot.
Funeral on THURSDAY at Noon. Closed coffin

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON :
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY :
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS ! :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS :
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.


THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"


Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie . "Giving up?"

GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're s tupid, Little Davie ?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.


Now

The NEW Alphabet


A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?


D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.


H.. high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I.. for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!




P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.


S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.


W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.


*I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!*

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . 

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .  8) 8) 8)

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?:Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.  ::) ::) ::) ;D ;D ;D

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:     ;) ;) ;)Oh yes, absolutely.

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
 
' I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
 
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
 
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and a sked if the piggy's would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
 
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'   

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?' 
 

The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

This is how smart women are made -- they start as smart little girls!
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

Oh, I don't know', said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'

OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea,'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

 ;D ;D ;D Oh Judy! You are a treasure! LOLOL!!  ;D ;D

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer let him go without even a warning.  ;D

There was a man who had worked all his life, had
saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his
money.

  Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When
I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to  take my money to the afterlife with me."

  And so he got his wife to promise him, with all
of her heart, that when he died, she would put  all of the money into
the casket with him.

  Well, he died. He was stretched out in the
casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend
was sitting next to her.  When they finished the ceremony, and just
before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

  "Wait just a moment!"
  She had a small metal box with her; she came
over with the box  and put  it in the casket. Then the undertakers
locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

  "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put
all that money in there with your husband."

  The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a
Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going
to put that money into the casket with him."

  You mean to tell me you put that money in the
casket with him!?!?!?"

  "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all
together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - " I NO COME WORK TODAY"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, " Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work."

The boss says, " I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon...you got nice house. ;D ;D ;D ;) ;) ;) :P :P :P"




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JUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that was a good bad one.
Frank

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

whoo-hooo! :D

Velly Baaaadddd!!!  ;D ;D

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong.


Sometimes it is embarrassing.


There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.


I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.


An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"


"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say


things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.


The receptionist replied, "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."


The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone."


The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.


The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"


"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.


The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.


"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"


"I can't pee out of it," he replied.


The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"  He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.  "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?  I think you
should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

John Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute"
John Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies "A penny"
John Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute"

Three friends from the local congregation were asked
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man"

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives"

Al said "I'd like them to say "Look, he's moving !"

Why Parents Drink!!!!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up predominately on the pillow that was addresses to 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and mom. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all of her piercings, tattoos, tight biker clothes and the fact that she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion.... Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said we will be very happy. She owns her own trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves an d trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son

P.S. none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you, Call me when it's safe to come home...
Have a Great weekend !

Now, there's a very wise young man! 

God Said, Adam I   Want you to do
Something for me."


Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"


God said, "Go down into that valley."


Adam said, "What's a valley?"


God explained it to him.


Then God said, "Cross the river."


Adam said, "What's a river?" 


God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."


Adam said, "What is a hill?"


So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.


He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"


Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."


Adam said, "What's a woman?"


So God explained that to him, too.


Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."


Adam said, "How do I do that?"


God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."!


And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.


So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.


Then, in about five minutes, he was back.


God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "! What is it now?"


And Adam said


*


*
*


*


*


"What's a headache?"

(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/Giggles.gif)

That makes me smile!!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a U.S. Marine were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, 'Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.' 
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end.
I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end. '

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments.
She then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?'

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm not kidding.
I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire.
In a flash, the terrorists  were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why
didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?'

'What?!,' replied the Marine, 'And have you two idiots report that I
was the aggressor?


This probably shouldn't be on the joke board.   :-\   :D

Now that was funny..........Sad but funny.
You put it where you want.......we will find it and understand
Laughter is a great way to begin our/my day. Thanks

Oh, my... :o ;D ;D ;D

His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short,  everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.  His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. 
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. 
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied,was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?" WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Sometimes when you are angry with someone,
it helps to just sit down and think about the problem.


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/AngerMan1.jpg)

Our Troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following:


"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've even had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

A teacher asked her class, who could give her a sentence using the word "fascinate"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said: "This summer we went to Disney World and it was really fascinating.
Teacher said fine, but she just wanted the word "fascinate"
Little Susie raised her hand and said they had gone on a cross country trip and she was fascinated by the sights.
Teacher said fine, but she just wanted the word "fascinate"
Little Bobby raised his hand and said "My sister has a new blouse.  It has 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fascinate."

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Cute

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said::

"DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"





This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

You know? I can relate to this 150%.    ;D


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cart.jpg)

Yes, it happens! If you're 150% - I must be 250%.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST


She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.




WOMEN'S REVENGE


"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider.



MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?




CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
Balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
And she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
Papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... So does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )




WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."




W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"




CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!




WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
That the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
And showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"



The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
Other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
He would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed hi s flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see! why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.




God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.



Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river"



Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.






After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"



Poof!......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.



Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God,please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river"



Poof!.....He was turned into a woman.  She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.



GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!



"If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!"

LOL!

One day a blonde, brunette and red head walk into a bar. They all see a sign at the back room laed "Magic Mirror" so to their curiosity the ask the bartender "What do ya got in that room?" The bartender says "well thats the magic mirror in that room. Anyone who enter it must tell the truth to it and those who do are granted a wish!" The blonde shocked asks "And what if they lie?" "well they get sucked into the mirror and never return" replies the bartender.
Thinking its a good idea, all three women enter the room. The Brunette goes to the mirror and says "Magic Mirror, i think i am the most beautiful women in the world!" The Mirror say "It is so . . . You are granted one wish" "I want to have unlimited wealth!" replies the brunette and all of a sudden unlimited amounts of money fills her purse and pockets. Astounded the red head pushes the blonde aside and goes to the mirror saying "Magic Mirror, I think i am the fairest of them all!" The Mirror replies "Let it be known . . . You are granted one wish" " I want eternal happiness!" replies the red head and she became happier then ever before.
Finally its the blondes turn. She ponders about what she is and was astounded at what the other two women got. Finally she decides its time to go to the mirror. "Magic Mirror, I think . . . . " ...she was never seen again.

from one blonde to another - ROFLMAO  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

A man entered a bus with both his front pockets full of golf balls; he
sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed right) blonde.


The puzzled blonde keeps looking at his bulging pockets. Finally, after
such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."


Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully, and
finally not being able to contain her curiosity any longer
asked...."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 
JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him
on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass
window .

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking
driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a
mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

1.  Try letting out any gas by burping and passing gas.

2.  Never again weigh yourself with wet hair.

3.  When weighing, remove everything, rings, earrings,  any removable bridgework,  glasses and contact lenses ... especially the last two items as blurred vision can be an asset.

4.  Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off... to your advantage, of course.

5.  Always go to the bathroom first.  Take diuretics if necessary.

6.  Stand with arms raised and pointing out from your sides, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7.  Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8.  Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9.  Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)

10.  Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack.  Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it.  You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

Note: You may want to stop letting go of the towel rack when you have reached your target weight.   :D

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down And drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means:
'Don't drink the water... the cows have crapped in it.')

The kneeling man shouts back:
'I'm a Muslim... I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you
can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam... speak in English.'

The Amish farmer says: 'Use two hands... you'll get more.'

Norwegian Diet

A Norwegian was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Norwegian returned, he shocked the Doctor by having lost nearly 25 POUNDS!

'Why, that's amazing!' the Doctor said, did you follow my instructions?'

The Norwegian nodded and said...'I'll tell you though, I taut I was gonna drop dead dat 3rd day.'

'From hunger, you mean?

'No, yust from all dat skippin'!'

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to 
Feed the  pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up.  Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill 
Might have a cold or some urgent appointment.  But after Bill hadn't shown up
For a week or so, Sam really got worried.  However, since Sam didn't know

Where Bill lived (the only time they
Ever got together was at the park) he was 
Unable to find out what had happened to him.
 

After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. 
On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him. 

Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed,
'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?' 

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.' 

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'You?!  What on earth for?'   

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde 
Waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yes,' said Sam, 'I remember her.  What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me.  At age 80,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.' 

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Hillary and Obama were in a boat going down the river. 
The river was extremely rough. 
The boat capsized.
Who was saved?





SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWER









































AMERICA

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.  I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person. I no my spelling is not too good.

My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely.  Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN   

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.











(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/hunk.jpg)





Employer's response:... 


Dear Bryan,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.
Thank You

Shirley

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/chuckle.gif)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/topless.jpg)

that is funny!!! LOL

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/Garfield.jpg)

This ought to make all grandpas feel warm and cozy

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa 's room.


"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as
Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa.



"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak,we're going to  Disneyland!!!"

 ;D ;D ;D

Chelsa Clinton went out on a date with a new boyfriend and when she returned home she told her Mother what a wonderful time she had and that she thought she was in love.
Hillary screamed " You didn't have sex with him did you"?
and Chelsa said, " Not according to Dad".

Now Jo, you know that's family business and Chelsea doesn't think that should be discussed in public.  :D :D :D

Two Ways to Look at Things

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
And I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table. 
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything. ;D

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove i t to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."

   ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
 
Smart man + smart woman = romance
 
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
 
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage   
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
 
______________________________
 


OFFICE ARITHMETIC


 
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
 
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
 
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
 
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
 
_____________________________
 


SHOPPING MATH


 
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
 
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
 
_____________________________
 


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS


 
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
_____________________________
 


HAPPINESS


 
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.

 
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand
her at all.
 
______________________________
 


LONGEVITY


 
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more
willing to die.
 
______________________________
 


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


 
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
 
_____________________________
 


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


 
A woman has the last word in any argument.
 
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
_____________________________
 
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
 
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing
the
same thing to them at funerals.

   If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled?

It is almost sunbathing weather outside.. so be careful...

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/sunscreen-1.jpg)

Sent to me in an e-mail:


A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.


In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.


When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle,
and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.


The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.


I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


:D     :D      :D

Let Me Tell You About My Doctor. He is Very good.

If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.

Another time he gave a patient 6 months to live. At the end of the 6 months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another 6 months.

While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, 'Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible.' The doctor said, 'Tell him I can't see him.'

Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, 'Doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film.' The doctor calmly replied, 'Let's just wait and see what develops.'

One patient came in and said, 'Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.' The doctor asked, 'When did it start?' The man replied, 'When did what start ?'

I remember once I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: 'Don't answer it.'

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.

One said to him, 'Doctor, I think I'm a bell.' The doctor gave him some pills and said, 'Here, take these, and if they don't work, give me a ring.'

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, 'Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later.'

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

But doctors can be so frustrating.

You wait a month and a half for an appointment. Then he says, 'I wish you had come to me sooner.'

The CDC (Centers for Disease Control) has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
;D ;D

 ;D ;D

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
thathad a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to
go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in
bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....

'From all of us at the FireStation.
We'll never forget you.''

Baked Beans - This is hilarious!
(This one is much too cute not to share. Enjoy! Be sure to grab a tissue; I think you'll be laughing so hard you'll cry!) One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he
wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married so we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
I get $43 back from Medicare.

My age has been noticed!
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked,
"Are you having it catered"? And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!!

China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos.
There are so many Wings and Wongs in THE DIRECTORY,
people were always winging wong numbers.







I felt you needed to know this   ;D ;D

I love all these!!! ;D

One  day I saw an old lady sitting on her front step, so I walked
     up to her and said,

    **'I  couldn't help noticing how happy you look! ***
    **What  is your secret for such a long, happy life?'  **
   
    ***She  said, 'I smoke ten cigars a day, and before I go to bed, I
     smoke a nice big joint.****   **** ***
    **   **
    **  Apart  from that, I go through a whole bottle of Jack Daniels
    every  few days, and eat only junk food.  **
    **   **
    **  On  weekends I zone out on Valium and red wine, and most
     importantly, I avoid any type of physical activity or  exercise.'**

    **'That is absolutely amazing!' I told her.  Then I asked, 'How
old
    are you?'**

    **'Thirty-six,' she  replied.***

We men just can't ever get the upper hand!

>
> UNDERWEAR DUST
>
> One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
> 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe 
> it would
> take a few inches off of your butt!'
>
> His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let 
> such a
> comment go unrewarded.
>
> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his 
> drawer.
> 'What is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
> appeared when he shook them out.
>
> 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum 
> powder in my
> underwear?'
>
> She replied ... "It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'"

HA!

Miracle Grow won't work!  :angel:

How to cook a turkey.. interactive..   

  http://ourfamily23.zoomshare.com/files/Cooking_A_Turkey.swf

Very good instructions!   :laugh: :laugh:

Cute

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build
her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish.  When they realized that the fourth guy has not said
a word, they asked him.
"You haven't said anything about what you had to  do to be able to come fishing this weekend.  What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt  and said:
"Fishing or Sex?"
and she said: "Wear sun-block."   ;D ;D

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

NEVER TICK OFF A NURSE...

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but finally even she had had enough.
She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.'

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.'

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something.

Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, 'What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confesses, 'Not with a carnation.' ::) ::) ::) ;) ;) ;)

Let me tell you about my doctor.  He is very good.  If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.

While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, 'Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible.' The doctor said, 'Tell him I can't see him.'

Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, 'Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film.' The doctor calmly replied, 'Let's just wait and see what develops.'

One patient came in and said, 'Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.' The doctor asked, 'When did it start?  ' The man replied, 'When did what start?'

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears.  His advice: 'Don't answer it.'

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, 'Doctor, I think I'm a bell.' The doctor gave him some pills and said, 'Here, take these.  If they don't work, give me a ring.'

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, 'Go sit over there.  I'll deal with you later.'

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

You know, doctors can be so frustrating.  You wait a month and a half for an appointment, and he says, 'I wish you had come to me sooner.'

    Sunburn...........

           A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn.

           He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted.
After being diagnosed with second degree burns.

           With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with Saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

           The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor?'

           The doctor replied, 'It'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

I changed a couple of words that I felt would offend some .
Frank


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb a__. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a s____ head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

My word ;D! I think I just hurt myself laughing too hard.

   Oh, To Be 6  Again...
   
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.  Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her  Birthday.
 
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. 
 
  On the morning of her Birthday, he arose
early, made her a nice big bowl of  Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
 
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was  reeling and her stomach felt  upside down.
 
  He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra  fries and a chocolate shake.
 
  Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,   M&M's . What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband  and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and  lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'
 
  Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my  dress size, you dumb ass!'
 
  The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong

Tick Warning! 
 
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's important.
So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.


If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! 
THIS IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked.   ::)

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. :-[

Folks you can disregard the above warning, as the perptrator is lying dead on my front porch from shock and horror! LOL!!!  ;D ;D

 ;D ;D ;D

 ;D ;D ;D that there's funny, I don't care who you are

This has to be one of the funniest country songs ever written.......not the perfect one mind you.....no trains, dogs, pickup trucks, jail or Divorce........But a great country song..... It gives you the words.. but the music should start when you open the link.   LOL

You'll need sound to appreciate this one.

http://denimandlace.50megs.com/1bigone.html   

good one and it even had "mom" in it

That was a good one, Teresa

I almost memorized it and will probably sing it in my sleep tonight.
LOL.........sounds like a a RED NECK church to me.........good old boys.

I saw a billboard sign that said :




NEED HELP, CALL JESUS

      1-800-005-3787

           

           Out of curiosity, I did.




A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

Why Men Wear Earrings

    A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
    an earring.  This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative
    fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

    The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

    'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

    His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'

    "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

    I always wondered how this trend got started.

 

IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS!

China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos.

There are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always winging wong numbers.

I felt you needed to know this......... ;D ;D

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. 


The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. 
As they went along they passed some people
Who remarked it was a shame the old man
Was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,

So they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
So they then decided they'd both walk! 
Soon they passed some more people who thought
They were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. 
So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people
Who shamed them by saying how awful to
Put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man figured they were probably right,
So they decide to carry the donkey.   
As they crossed the bridge,
They lost their grip on the animal
And he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone,
You might as well..
Kiss your ass goodbye!






 

(http://th100.photobucket.com/albums/m36/Catootjefoto/Smileys%20LOL/th_LOL.gif)

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Selma had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Selma visited her every day. One day Selma said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Selma from her deathbed, 'Selma, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Selma was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Selma,Selma.'
'Who is it?' asked Selma, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Selma -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Selma.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired'

'That's fantastic,' said Selma. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'

The Definition of OLD..

First you tell your friends that you are having an  affair........

Then your friend asks you........
'Are you having it catered???'

:-\

THAT, my friends, is the definition of OLD!!!!!!!

nd the number for the catering is?????   ;D ;D ;D :laugh: :laugh:

hee hee hee.. ...I forgot..  ???
or was it the name of the guy I forgot.. or was there a guy.. or was I really having an affair to have to get a caterer..

ohhh welll.. guess whichever it is.. it is too  late now..
And tomorrow I'll have forgotten all about it all together..  :)

Another great thing about getting old.

Thought you were turning it off?? :police: :police:

Quote from: Ole Granny on June 05, 2008, 09:52:03 PM
Thought you were turning it off?? :police: :police:

Oh Crap.. did I leave the stove on? I thought I turned it off.. ???
::)
Old.. old ...old... I'm OLD I say!  ;D :D

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ' Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Two bonus extras:

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Well, then, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.  Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"

Teresa, you and Dale are in great form this morning. You both made my day.
Frank

Thanks for the giggles.

Just won't hurt! ha ha

 Hung Chow calls into work and says, " Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work."

The boss says, " I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon...you got nice house.

 
If you ever get the sudden
Urge to run around naked,
You should drink some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!


If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a table,
because you are dead...

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview

couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,only to have their car break down in the parking lot.



The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.   On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. 

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to to face the crowd.She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who  had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. :P :P :P :o :o :o ;D ;D ;)

JUDY,JUDY,JUDY, BAD-----------------------------------------but a good one
Frank

I hope this gives you a little smile:

http://www.youtube.com/v/Xzp0S3yO1QA&hl=en&rel=0&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6&border=1'

Why Carl, I thought you were a country boy--- haven't you ever watched those steers or those young roosters? Homosexuality is not restricted to humans you know. It is common throughout all critters. Oh, just never mind. (sigh)

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.

'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'

The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'

The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."

  A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.' So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?' God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'' St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?' 'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'

  WARNING

If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton & Jesse Jackson will be comin right over to kick your white honky ass !!!! 

Three senior citizens were sitting in a diner chatting about various things...

One lady said: "You know, I'm getting really forgetful.  This morning I was standing at the top of the stairs and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady said:  "You think that's bad"  The other day I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woke up!"

The third lady smiled smugly.  "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she said as she rapped on the table.  Then with a startled look on her face, she asked, "Who's there?"

 :D :D :D :D :D

The 3 stages of a mans life.

Single

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/lion1.jpg)


Married

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/lion2.jpg)

Divorced

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/lion3.jpg)

ANY QUESTIONS?

No truer words spoken!

A Spud's Life

Once upon a time Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finallythey got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of  life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get
accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for
the hard-boiled guys from Ireland , and the greasy guys from France called
the French Fries.

And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't
get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate
with those high class Yukon Golds.
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho Potato University so
that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced
she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?

*
*

OK! Here it is!

*
*
*
*


A COMMON-TATER

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Oh, boo! :laugh:

 :D :D :D :D :D :D

Smart Kid


 
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. For weeks the teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem ?"

Every time Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is   in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be
in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry  to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed..

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."



And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "Think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."


Ms. Brooks says to the principal," Let me ask him some questions."


The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"


The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants..."


Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?"

Harry: "Coconut."


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.



Ms. Brooks:" What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"


The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F ' and ends in ' K ' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck."


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher," Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

Just proves, there is more than one answer to every question.

I  was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11  year old next door  whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and  asked him to come  over. Richard  clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As  he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He  replied, 'It was an  ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's  that? In case I need to fix it again.'?

Richard  grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 'No,'  I replied.
'Write it down,' he  said, 'and I think you'll  figure it out.'
So  I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T...

I used to like the kid!

 

With Age Comes Wisdom . . .


     An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.
       
        He had a large pond in the back,  surrounded by  picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
     and apple and peach trees.

        The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
       
        One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look
     it over as he hadn't been there for a while.

     He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

        As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
       
        When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
        in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
        deep end to shield themselves.
       
        One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
       
        The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch
     you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
       
        Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
       
        Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast

 ;D ;D ;D

 ;D ;D ;D Good one. Thanks

THE ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it. 

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.  The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....








"Clean my house."     

Women are not stupid. 


For all you men out there...be careful how you choose your words 'cause you may not get what you're expecting. Women are a smart bunch and that's for sure!! ;o)

Dale, liked that "female" joke  ;D ;D ;D

True Friendship

None of that Sissy Cr @ p

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well

Again. I don't want whatever the hell you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.

Friendship is like peeing your pants,

everyone can see it,

But only you can feel the true warmth..

How Men Can Screw Up A Romantic Evening...

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/menromance.jpg)

Cannonballs? :laugh:

I hope this isn't a repeat.... forwarded through email and cute enough to share:

Computers vs Cars

   For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our
lives, read on.
   At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
   In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
   1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
   2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
   3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
   4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
   5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
   6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
   7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
   8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
   9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how t o drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
   10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Isn't that the truth.

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used
   men's work boots, size 14-16.

2. Put them on your front porch, along with a copy of
   Guns & Ammo magazine.

3. Place a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
   magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba:
Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.  I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Cooter"

That's great, but our local bad guys can't read! I guess the boots and dishes would have to do. ;D

That is funny but truer than you think.  When my father died, my mother kept his boots and outer clothes hanging where they could be seen from outside so it would look as if there were still a man living there.  Her theory was that anyone that knew her would know the difference and anyone that didn't know her wouldn't know the difference.

THIS ONE IS WORTH READING ALL THE WAY TO THE END!

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God
decided to change the
admittance policy.
The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a really
bad day on the day that you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

 
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the
gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy,
promptly asked the man,
'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your
day was going when you
died.'
 
'No problem, the man said. 'I came home to my
25th-floor apartment on my
lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair.
But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately
began searching for him.
My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched
the entire apartment.

 
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance
out onto the balcony
and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge
by his fingertips! The
nerve of that guy!
 
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his
fingers until he fell to
the ground.
 
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and
bushes that broke his
fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy
thing I could get my
hands on to throw at him.
 
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the
refrigerator.
I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and
tipped it over the side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
 
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a
heart attack and died
almost instantly.'
 
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically,
the guy did have a bad
day.
It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced,
'OK, sir. Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven ,' and let him in.
 
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the
Angel's surprise, it was
Donald Trump.
 
'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was
like when you died.'
 
Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to
believe this. I was on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises.
I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really
pushing hard to relieve
my stress.
I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the
side!
 
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips
on the balcony below
mine.
But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out
of his apartment,
starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at
the bottom, which
broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
 
As I'm lying there face up on the ground , unable to
move and in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his
refrigerator of all things off
the balcony.
It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing
me instantly.'
 
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump
finishes his story. 'I
could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to
himself.
'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven ,'
and he lets Trump enter.
 
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the
gate.
The Angel is almost too shocked to speak.
Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the
Angel's head.
Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what
it was like the day you
died.'
 
Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a
refrigerator......

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?  Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!  AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!  BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!  IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

...uhhh....... I'm sorry.      What was the question?