This says it all..........all you who are older will like it. Hugs and god bless
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken
aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.
Old Age, I decided, is a gift.
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always
wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the
baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person
that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family
for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind
to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't
chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying
that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant-garde on my
patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood
the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM
and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's,
and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body,
and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances
from the jet set; they, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as
well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break
when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's
beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and
to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many
have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other
people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right
to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like
the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here,
I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will
be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIPS NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!
Judy, that is well written, I have read it 4 times trying to get that good feeling but haven't made it yet. On the other hand being older and having my Grandkids is a real joy. Thanks for sharing it.
Frank
( I just wish I could write like that. ;) ;)
I am so glad I learned how to copy and paste......
makes my life much easier.
Glad you enjoyed it. It does bring home the fact that getting old-er isn't for the (Faint of Heart).
We all must get use to the fact that what we could do yesterday, will never be as easy to do
Hugs and God bless
Me
This is a hoot..
Teresa, that is a HOOT, we know a 93 year old woman here in Midland that might do that. I love it.
Frank
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in a Florida mobile home park.
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Another two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly man was telling his neighbor , "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4,000.00, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,'" Morris replied.
To which the doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!'"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis!"
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. They had been driving for about twenty minutes when her husband asked her to check their map. That's when the elderly woman realized she had unknowingly left her bifocal glasses on the table.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a longer distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her special glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he would become. He just wouldn't let up for one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived back at the restaurant. And, as the berated woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her eyeglasses, the old geezer yelled to her........ "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know . . .
Is what tells each one where to go!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt.
Granny made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"
"Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it."
"Okay," I said. "Tell me!"
"Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.
Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full.
Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.
Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!"
:o
that is funny........I did laugh out loud................ :-X :-X :-X :D :D :DGood one Teresa
Baby Boomers...
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/5.gif)
http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html
I love it !!!!!!!!!!!!
AT Last...........
Someone understands us older people..............getting older is a trip......
Some days are better than others and then some we do tend to forget.
Thanks for the giggles......and Happy Turkey Day..
Hugs and God bless
Q: Where can men or women over the age of 60 find young, sexy members of the opposite sex who are sexually interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction
Q: My wife is going through menopause. What can I do?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'I remember these.'
And that's the truth as we know it!
I feel it is so great getting old-er.......we never
run out of something to say........ course, we do forget
we said THAT before.
AOYP
Paul Newman Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this true story.
(if you don't understand this, tell your mother, she'll get it)
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.
She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store. Paul Newman. He was sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.
The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! She chides herself.
You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, proud of herself for avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman,
"You put it in your purse."
Thanks for that! Laughed outloud! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I'd have done the same thing! ;D Loved all his movies, love his beautiful blue eyes, love his character.
Would you do the same thing if you saw a Hudson? [You gotta have young kids around you for this one]
I am almost there... and as I read this.. I really really hope, I will by then, have become the confident self assured woman about "my aging body/self" as I need to be.. I will print and keep this to read it again someday..to remind me to be just that!
Teresa
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until
4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things..
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.
(If I feel like it)
Thanks for posting that one. I need to go from here >:( to here :laugh: and that helped.
Hang in there Roma! Winter is closer to being over than it was yesterday!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
-------------------------------
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I geting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Gotta Love it! ;D ;D
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine march day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
---------------------------
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
-------------------------
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
RETIREE And they ask why I like retirement....??????
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
RE: Carl's question, "Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?"
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Ain't it the truth! Witness my garage, my little red house and the old hen house on my rental property. And not just my adult kids.
A fellow I once knew liked to compare a retired person and a still working person.
He used an example of each building a deck on the back of their house.
One could tell which deck belonged to the working individual and which belonged to the retiree just by seeing the progress each made.
An employed person will know he has a set amount of time to accomplish his task, will try to get it done in that time, and will work at it regularly until it is finished.
A retired person will know he has an unlimited amount of time at his disposal will take that long to get it done.
Ahhh---! That folks is the reason I cannot get anything done. Hasn't a thing to do with the time I spend here!! LOL!! ;D ;D
True story
About 2 months after Fred retired, one of our firends asked, "Well, Fred what do you like best about being retired"? and Fred said..." My seven day week-ends".
Al says we have 3 day weeks. Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
-------------------------------
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
;D ;D
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
One more. ..! ;)
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"Nope," he replied, "Arthritis."
Ok.. I'm done ;D ;D
Two men in the retirement home were sitting in the lounge visiting when a lady patient from next dor came running through the room, stark naked. One man turned to the other and said," What was she wearing? The other said, "I don't know, but it sure needed ironing, didn't it?"
AAADD-KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age,
Activated,
Attention,
Deficit,
Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh--if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
;D ;D ;D That's me almost every day!
That is the day I must spend it on my sofa with a book and just be......
don't plan to do a dang thing.........cause it will be wrong.
God help us all...................isn't it fun growing OLD>>>>>???????????
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
TERESA, you are full of it today. That is a good bad list. I have said it before and say it again, you would make a great "Teresa the Cable Girl".
Frank
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not sure, how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'Frank, for the fifth time.... We're having chicken!'
Teresa, I don't want Myrna to see that one.
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/image0066.jpg)
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/image0099.jpg)
With age comes wisdom.
A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.< /B>
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
(http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l24/Tazsmum/zzolder.jpg)
Yeah, me too! I must be brilliant!
Will I live to see 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
LMAO He's got a point!
(http://th106.photobucket.com/albums/m242/axiemeluv/Smiley/th_LaughingSmile.gif)
I've always said give me a doctor who spoke in plain english so I could understand what he was saying. This this gal has got one.
Got these from my mama. ;D
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go bra-less. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right? ;D
;D ;D ;D
:D :D :D
SENIOR MOMENT
The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly
demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.
There was quite a pause on the other end of the
phone, followed by a ray of recognition.
"I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."
A few years ago during an especially busy October, I had a LOT of fire safety programs scheduled at local schools, several a day. One day I got up, put on my uniform, grabbed a cup of coffee and a fruit bar, put the usual stuff in the car and drove to the traffic light at the top of the hill and suddenly realized I had absolutely no idea where I was going! I had to pull over and check the calendar in my purse to see where I was supposed to go. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
A senior moment, Diane?
An extremely senior moment! ;D
Back when I was going to school full time and working all available other hours and had a disabled husband at home, I had that happen. I drove half way to school when I should have been going to work; I had to turn around and go back. Kind of think I was getting a little thin there. It is really a feeling of panic when you realise that you either don't know where you are or where you should be. Kind of like waking from sound sleep and not being able to oriente yourself, I hate that.
As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple,
uncomplicated part time job after retiring from my 'day job'.
Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a
little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart
greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been
instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped
yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9,
and the other one's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe
you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.....
Ed.
Getting older is................... ??? Oh yeah...now I remember...
Getting older is .well.... getting older. . 8)
;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yN-6PbqAPM
I thought that since my 45th birthday was quickly approaching, this picture was kinda cute:
Aw Dale,
Wait until you reach your 60's................it is so much fun ::) ::) ::)!!! to get older.
If we don't smile and laugh at ourselves then we just fall down..
then if we don't watch our step we fall down anyway. ;D ;D
I do hope you have a great birthday......I kind of remember when I hit 45.............boy, that was 20 years ago.
Where does the time go???
Judy
I received this in an email this morning--- there are surely some more! :D
Advantages of passing your 50th birthday
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember where you got this list.
I got this from a friend today, and thought you would like to read it. Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stock, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.
Take a look at any holdings you might have in the following stock:
American Can
Interstate Water
National Gas Company
Northern Tissue Company
Due to uncertain market conditions, I would advise you to sit tight on your American Can, holding your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. It's a tough market out there. Be careful!
Amen to that! I feel sorry for the folks who are about to retire and suddenly find themselves about as well off as they were 30 years ago. :'( :'(
;D ;D ;D Jo, sounds like good advice to me ! ROFLMAO
;D ;D ;D ;D
THE RADIO...
Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio forwarded the following letter.
The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna
Way to go Edna! :angel: :angel: ;D
wilma asked me to post this for her. Enjoy..........Good one Wilma!
STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens..
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhous! e. Whoe ver wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Roster is squalking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this
Story? ..
Don't mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK.... I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE,
THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!' :o
LOL ;D ;D ::) Too funny!
Now, that was funny! Thanks
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I'm 96' said the old man.
I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far
enough so that I don't piss on my slippers.