Elk County Forum

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.

""I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.

""Wow! That's a great idea!" he excitedly exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted....

"Ain't love grand?"

Ah, yes, a reality check.

LOL! Teresa, that is living proof that you are no longer a newlywed.

;D

That was FUNNY!

This is a good one!

I was in Wal-mart, buying a large bag of Purina for my dog, Schatzi, and was in line to check out.  The woman behind me asked if I had a dog......DUH!

I was feeling a bit crabby and a little frisky so on impulse, I told her no.  I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time, but that I'd lost 50 lbs. before I'd awakened in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.    Her eyes just about bulged out of her head.

I went on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.  I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load up your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you felt hungry. The package said the food was nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was now enthralled with my story,particularly the tall guy behind the woman.

Horrified, the woman asked me if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.  I said no..............I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my ass when a car hit me.

(P.S.   I thought the tall guy was going to need to be carried out the door.)

  You are one rare bird!  ;D ;D ;D

I love that story.

;D

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/chuckle.gif)

 Mrs. Nest, what kind of dog is Schatzi?  My friend had a long haired dachshund with the same name.

susan, that was a great story. You got a laugh from me and I
think I know the woman who bought the story.............Wonder if she tried it
anyway? Thanks for the giggle.............Hugs and God bless

                                                                           

Two blond girls were working for the city Public Works Department.       

                                                                           

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and           

fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down         

the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all         

day without rest; one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling         

it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand         

what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed         

by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get         

it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow             

behind and fill it up again?"
                                             


The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it             

probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But         

today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."                       

                                                                           

                                                                           

       

oh,my! How funny! ;D

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball,
but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your
chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
"Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.'
I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do... Write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look
for them while they deliver the mail?
Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.
Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

  Good quips. I like all those.    Old age is 25 years older than whatever age you are.

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she said, "would you mind letting me up? I' m starving."

A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs.

     A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did. 

  The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the
crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen
if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the
gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up .. so she took them home and ate them herself!


Men are simply not equipped to compete in this kind of stuff.  ;D

That will teach YOU!  Nice laugh out loud Teresa. Thanks.
hugs and God bless

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, but too old to really understand computers to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, enjoy, reflect and remember what these 2 comedians were like.

  If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who' s on First?" might have gone something like this:

  COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

  ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
  COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
  ABBOTT: Mac?
  COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
  ABBOTT: Your computer?
  COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
  ABBOTT: Mac?
  COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
  ABBOTT: What about Windows?
  COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
  ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
  COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
  ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
  COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
  ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
  COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
  ABBOTT: Office.
  COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
  ABBOTT: I just did.
  COSTELLO: You just did what?
  ABBOTT: Recommend something.
  COSTELLO: You recommended something?
  ABBOTT: Yes.
  COSTELLO: For my office?
  ABBOTT: Yes.
  COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
  ABBOTT: Office.
  COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
  ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
  COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I
  Want to type a proposal. What do I need?
  ABBOTT: Word.
  COSTELLO: What word?
  ABBOTT: Word in Office.
  COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
  ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
  COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
  ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
  COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
  ABBOTT: Money.
  COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
  ABBOTT: Money.
  COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
  ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
  COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
  ABBOTT: Money.
  COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
  ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
  COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?How much?
  ABBOTT: One copy.
  COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
  ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
  COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
  ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

  A few days later:
  ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
  COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
  ABBOTT: Click on "START"

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.  My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
     she  thought she was God and I didn't.
2.  I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.  Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.  I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.  Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.  You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.  Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.  I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.  Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.
11.  NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.  God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.  The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.  Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.  Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.  Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.  Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.  Procrastinate Now!
19.  I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.  A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.  Stupidity is not a handicap.  Park elsewhere!
23.  They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.  He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.  Ham and eggs?  A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.  The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.  The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.  I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few ... 

GAMES TO PLAY WHEN WE ARE OLDER

• Sag, You're It
  Hide and Go Pee
  20 Questions Shouted in Your One Good Ear
  Kick the Bucket
  Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over
  Musical Recliners
  Simon Says Something Incoherent
  Pin the Toupee On the Bald Guy

A guy walked into walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.  He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know I just HATE drawing welfare.  I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy  old man  who wants a chauffeur for his beautiful young daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes Benz and he'll supply all your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas trips and you will have to satisfy all of her basic needs included those in the bedroom. You'll be provided a 2 bedroom apartment above the garage and the salary is $200,000 a year.

The guy,wide-eyed, smiled and said, "You're bull-------  me!!"

The social worker said, "Well, yeah, but......you started it!"

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor
who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his
rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh
fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that
does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman.
How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in
there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana
peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

"Ohhhh," the younger doctor said. "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the
next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she
once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well; your
diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and
when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees,  fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and  city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.   And there you are,  Sitting on your rear end...
  At your computer, reading jokes. 
Nice. Real nice.  ::)  :P

Of course it is nice.....when you are retired and tired it works just fine.
Now it is up to you to do the work.........pass the buck is where we are.........from you to me and
back again. Is that a rut of what?...Good one Teresa..


:angel: :angel: :angel: ;D

The very first ever Blond GUY joke....
And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death
as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

Girls' Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight."
He didn't seem upset at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said: "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh**," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, made this giggling sound.. cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

14 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

(Although I disagree with #11 completely!  I love birthdays, especially my own!)

GOD LOVES BLONDES:

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.  Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.  She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me.  I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.  Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.  She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery!  I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."  Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.  Once again, she prays...  "My God, why have you forsaken me?  I've lost my business my house, and my car.  My children are starving.  I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."  Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.  The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.....................GO and BUY a ticket."

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!
Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a- ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.

B-o-o-o!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

9 Words Women Use

1.) Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.


2.) Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five
more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


7.) Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever:
Is a women's way of saying *%$# YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself.
This will later result in a man  asking "What's wrong?"
For the woman's response refer to #3.

SOMEBODY
Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby.
Somebody doesn't know that once you're a parent normal is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a parent by instinct.
Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a parent is boring.
Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good" parent your child will "turn out well."
Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said "good" parents never raise their voices.
Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see his or her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a parent.
Somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first.
Somebody doesn't have five children.

Somebody said a parent can find all the answers to child-rearing questions in books.
Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose.

Somebody said a parent can stop worrying after his or her child gets married.
Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to their heartstrings.

Somebody said your parents know you love them so you don't need to tell them.
Somebody isn't a parent.

Somebody said a parent's job is done when the last child leaves home.
Somebody never had grandchildren

Carl, how true it all is, and what memories it brings back. That list is a keeper.
Frank Winn

There are days when I wish that my kids were small again,
and then I run  into someone with a kid throwing a "fit" and
then I am so glad for my peace and quiet.

Thanks for the memories.......I didn't have to deal with the beans up the nose, mine tried eating
milk-pods and yep......here comes the Epicac.............and then there is the story of my two youngest kids (Robyn & David) each
putting a key in an electrical outlet..............the only thing that saved them from electrocution is that they
didn't touch each other and complete the circuit...........oh the joys of mother-hood.

We do survive those years and can't wait for them to get paid back..........LOL

   There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle.
   A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew. They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew. They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals.
   They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief nods and simply says, "Yes...seen plane crash".
When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!"
   The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!"
   Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Peps!"
   Finally, another rescuer had to ask, "Did you..you know...eat their...things?"
The chief says, "NO, you idiot!"... even cannibals know that... "THINGS go better with Coke!"

Most of the tribe of cannibals were looking for the Chief's mother-in-law.  Come to find out, He "passed " her in the woods.


  Ok Diane... you can   B-o-o  B-o-o   H-i-s-s-  H-i-s-s  now    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

 Ok :laugh:, boo-boo, hiss-hiss, ha-ha!!!

                                      You are soooooooooooooo  good !!
Hope you and Al are having a good week.  Weather here in Texas is awesome !!! 

Weather here is a keeper also! My dad used to say that every one of these is that many less of those others. Ain't it the truth! This is truly awesome for November; now we wait for the other shoe to drop! :P :P

Jo, the weather here is nice for our Nov., mid to upper 50s during the day to low 40s at night. We have had several frost nips, but no hard killing frost yet. The hanging baskets on the front porch still look good. Al is still hanging in there too. He had a relapse and they almost put him back in the hospital, but the antibiotic helped. He can't do long trips or much else for some time yet, so we've modified our Thanksgiving plans so we don't inconvenience anyone. Of course, my perfect, self righteous "holier than thou" younger sister doesn't speak anyway, nor does my one stuck up niece, so I don't have any family here to plan with anyhow. My sister is one of those people who just can't get past any kind of perceived slight. She stays mad forever. You don't dare say no to her, or she has a hissy fit and runs off. Really sad and immature. She acts like 14 not 57. I tried to patch it up, but I wasn't going to admit to something that someone else did. I didn't jump in the middle of it and fix it for her, so she has declared me dead to her. Isn't that sad?

That is very sad, Diane, but everyone has to grow up sometime.  Otherwise they are just miserable the rest of their lives.  If you are taking applications for a sister, count me in.  I can always use one more.

Oh, Diane, I am so sorry ---- I feel really sorry for the one that can't get past their own misery and have to take it out on all others.
  I am such a "People Person" and through my years of being in business and watching others, I can tell you, there are many, many
out there that are truly eaten up with jealousy.  They won't let happiness into their hearts and curse all others that do.

  I wish you and Al a Happy Thanksgiving, full of blessings and love sent across the miles from us.

                          Now, for my "funny"
 

An older fellow loves to fish.He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,"Pick me up."He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."  He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.The man said, "Are you talking to me?"The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you.  Pick me up.Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.  I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts?  Didn't you hear what I said?  I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

So would I.

ME TOO!  In fact I keep telling my dog that................unless I ask him "does he need outdoors,"
most of the time unless tv is on not a sound is said in this apartment.

If it weren't for can music and talk..............it would be very quiet in here.

Wouldn't mind having a HONEY DEW either........ummmmmmm wonder where I can find one?
Any ideas.........must be able to take home to mother..........LOL.....just kidding.......not sure if
I want a keeper or not........just the choice.

Quote from: Diane Amberg on November 12, 2007, 01:35:17 PM
Jo, the weather here is nice for our Nov., mid to upper 50s during the day to low 40s at night. We have had several frost nips, but no hard killing frost yet. The hanging baskets on the front porch still look good. Al is still hanging in there too. He had a relapse and they almost put him back in the hospital, but the antibiotic helped. He can't do long trips or much else for some time yet, so we've modified our Thanksgiving plans so we don't inconvenience anyone. Of course, my perfect, self righteous "holier than thou" younger sister doesn't speak anyway, nor does my one stuck up niece, so I don't have any family here to plan with anyhow. My sister is one of those people who just can't get past any kind of perceived slight. She stays mad forever. You don't dare say no to her, or she has a hissy fit and runs off. Really sad and immature. She acts like 14 not 57. I tried to patch it up, but I wasn't going to admit to something that someone else did. I didn't jump in the middle of it and fix it for her, so she has declared me dead to her. Isn't that sad?

Okay Diane, as one woman to another with a sick hubby-----. I lost my only sister in an auto accident at Thanksgiving time. I miss her terribly although she has been gone nearly fifteen years. I would think it a privelige to have you as a sister, even long distance.

Yes, Judy, a "honey dew" would be nice, but I find the one that I can tell what to do and when to do it, then pay him and send him home is better.  I also have to tell him how to do it sometimes.  My husband could do any kind of repairs or construction that I wanted done although I sometimes had to help him figure out how to do it.  My father could do anything and we learned a lot from him before he died.  Right now, my yard needs to be raked, I want the front door painted, the lattice around the bottom of the back porch needs replacing and I plan to have the front porch made wider by about 2 feet.  And by the time that is done I will have a half dozen more things that I want done.  I definitely don't want a keeper or even the choice.

As for noise around here, the TV is on all day whether I am watching it, reading, napping or not even in the house.  And I talk to Bud all day and he answers me.

Ah, yes.  My mother talks to her cat and he talks back.  Something is very seriously wrong with this picture.  LOL

He does talk back, but I can honestly say that he has never won an argument.

Quote from: Wilma on November 12, 2007, 10:00:45 PM
He does talk back, but I can honestly say that he has never won an argument.

Wilma,       I use to have a cat  who talked to me and I understood all he said.

Like when I had been somewhere...like the cafe or town and left him home......I would step  foot into the yard and
He would be HOLLERING.........."
Where in the Hell have you been".........and believe me I understood every MEOW........LOL... and when I was grieving with the death of my son.......He would cuddle up with me and let  me know he was here with me.......and He grieved with me when we lost the 3 kittens that I raised.

That is another cat story..........Oh I do miss my MR.Cat...........and the rest of them.

The dog I have now (Scooter) won't stay out of the cat box. That is gross and I decided couldn't have one at this time. But, after he goes I will be having me a cat and a dog......but will have to raise them together. I have had dogs and cats get along and it worked out well.

I thought that this was a hoot! 
;D

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,


but every once in awhile, you get lucky

and get some ass that brings tears to your eyes.
;D ;D ;D ;) ;)

 Boo! Judy! Shame, shame. :o :o ;D ;D ;D

I almost put this in the political section....It does sound like our slate of hopefulls.?????.........but what ya see is what
ya get.....LOL

Diane, I would love to be one of your sisters.  I lost my only sister to cancer 8 years ago and shortly after she died my sister-in-law e-mailed me and told me that now that my sister was gone I should really try to be closer to my brothers because I was the only sister they had left.  I e-mailed her back and reminder her that I was their sister before our sister died.  I am close to my other brother but not the one she was married to.  She died from cancer the same day that my husband died almost 4 years ago and this summer my brother called to say he would like to visit our Mother that has lived with me for the past 6 years but he wouldn't be able to take vacation until Fall and him and his girlfriend were going on a cruise.  I don't know when he plans to visit Mother but since she is 89 he really should give it some thought.

I love this forum, it seems like family time every day when I read the new posts.

And the cruise is more important than visiting his 89 year old mother?  Bet he cries the hardest at her funeral.

Oh well, he already has her house, he wanted to rent it out after Mother moved to Texas with me and she could continue paying the water, sewer, taxes and insurance and he would keep the rent.  Him and his wife had gotten a joint tenant upon survivorship without her knowing what she was signing and his wife told me she didn't know about it until after it was done, only she had added her name in pen and the rest was printed on the computer.  Mother would have had to had an attorney and go before a judge to get it changed, all he had to have was $10.00 to get it filed at the courthouse after he got Mother to sign it.  Luckily I had a good friend at the bank that let me know what he had done.  I had moved from the town she was living in about 20 years before that but I still had good friends there. We did get him taken off everything else and I now have power of attorney for her.

She is still in fairly good health, doesn't get around really great but is able to go.  Still able to be by herself in the daytime but too trusting.  Here with me she sleeps really good and that was one of her biggest problems when she was by herself, not sleeping at night and very depressed and not getting emotional help after my sister died.  I took a picture of her beside my car at the cemetery at Howard this summer and I would post it but don't know how.

My other brother took her to visit his son in Tennessee last year and she enjoyed it but he said every day she wanted to know when I would be there to pick her up.  I think she is more comfortable with our routine.  I have noticed the last couple of trips we have made to Arkansas she was kind of agitated and nervous so we probably won't be making any more over night trips.

My mother had Alzheimer's and one of her problems was agitation when taken out of familiar surroundings.  She spent her last years at Howard Twilight Manor and the staff and other residents were her family.  I went to see her but didn't try taking her home with me for anything as she was much more contented at the home.  Being with me didn't mean anything to her.  I think she knew me but couldn't connect me with any part of her life.  She usually thought I was one of her sisters.  This was a sad thing, but we had done everything we could for her and the rest of it was up to the Lord.

As to not going to see someone when they get old, my husband had an aunt that used to say, " If you can't come see me while I am alive don't bother to come to my funeral."  She was in the same home as my mother, so my husband would always visit with her when we were there and continued to stop just to see her after my mother was gone.

Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's green crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
 
Here are my Christmas wishes:
 
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of  the candy aisle in the grocery store.
 
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
 
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the
crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
 
On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that I can wear that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
 
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
 
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, nor the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it  being served in a Styrofoam container.
 
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare  ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.
 
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
 
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.
Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,
MOM...!
 
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa. :)

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpil lars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."

Boudreaux and the Frogs
  Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.
  Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.
  Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.
  A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs.

   Dat's a gud un!

The Moral of the Story

    Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question? What do women really want?
   Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
   He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
  Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
   But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
   The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
   The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
   Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
   He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
   He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
   Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
   What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.

   Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
   And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
   The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.
   The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
   Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?
   Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
   What would YOU do?

   Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
   Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is the moral to this story?
The moral is...If you don't let a woman have her own way...Things are going to get ugly.

Ahhhhh---you are very wise!!!

Manure: 

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

Well, I would've done said you are full of it, but since I can't be colorful any more because somebody might not like it,  I ain't gonna say it. 8)

Ahhh now Miss Diane.. You took the powwow to a degree that wasn't there.
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/shake.gif) Listen up .

You can be colorful! As colorful as you want to be.. no rules against that.. In fact there isn't any rules against much of anything
in this forum.. other than nitpicking people's grammar and spelling , where it makes them uncomfortable.

Now.. as far as me being ...ahhh what where you gonna say ? Spit it out..
**I double dog dare ya to say it** ;D
But remember ...it takes one that is full of it to know "full of it".. (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/grind.gif)

Say Teresa,

I think we are all Red-Necks on here, or Red-neck want-a-be and if
you don't believe we are all FULL OF IT........you haven't been keeping
up with the Forum..........
a good sense of humor is a must.......but, first you must be able to laugh at
your own self.......LOL..........good day to all.
Hugs and God Bless ;D ;) 8) ;) ;) ::) ::) ::)

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself,"This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.   

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit.  What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.  A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.  "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?   "These women seem awfully shaken."   


"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.   We just got off Route 127"

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, " Stay here and be very QUIET, I'll be across the
field."

A little while later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and
ran  back  to his son.
"What's wrong" the father asked?
"I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered,
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.

I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.

I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.

I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.

I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.

I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and one of them said,
  "Should we eat them here or take them with us?
Well...   I guess I just panicked."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 ;D ;D ;D ;DVery funny.............that one is a keeper. ;) ;) ;)

Oh, my gracious...no class here, none whatever! ;D ;D ;D

ok - what class did I miss? Animal husbandry?  :)   :laugh:   :o

More like Tom Foolery.

how about "the Nut Cracker"?    ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Oh -- that is a stage production, isn't it?  Solly-Chollie

Oh-Oh-Oh   You are so bad! ;) ;) ;) You may get coal. Actually, with oil prices as they are, that might not be a  bad thing.

 ;D

Navy SEALS are always taught
1) Keep your priorities in order and
2) Know when to act without hesitation.
  A Navy SEAL was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
  One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
  It got down to the last couple of minutes when the SEAL got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The SEAL went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
  The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the SEAL and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
  The SEAL calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an a**hole.  So He sent me."  :angel:

Good one, Carl.  We all need to help with God's work.

Very Good Carl...........and thank you!

After a hard rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the water holes.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother was running toward them in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she said, as she shook the older boy's shoulders in anger, combined with relief.
"We were just playing church mommy," he said.
"And I was just baptizing him. You know, 'In the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole he goes.'"

 ;D ;D ;D

Smart



Who says Todays Kids aren't smart ??  (Well, some of them are)

I wish I'd thought of this...

At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats.  1,2,4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underwrold figure who went by the name of 'Artie'.  Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.00.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store.  There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor.

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.  Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.  Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.......................





(You're going to hate me for this...)








"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WAL-MART!"

boo-boo-boo!... ;D

 ;) ;)

      Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Ft Myers, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, " Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents." They look at each other, then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please" They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same." Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "Oh, they're retired teachers. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price." 

Ha Ha Ha ;D ;D ;D :D :D :D

Two Jews, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.

Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir ... No Mexican Jews."

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you Absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, " I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico ; our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter,


."All we have is ... Orange Jews .. Prune Jews ... Tomato Jews .. Pineapple Jews and Grape Jews."

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam.   "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted..  "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.  It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region..

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.  Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience.  I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.   
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?"  They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

Yuk, yuk... been there, seen that. I could tell some doozies. We do get them covered up if the significant other hasn't already done it.

ABC's of ex girlfriends
A - is for Arteries.  You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you.  You twit she was only after your money.
B - is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C - is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.
D - is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E - is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F - is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G - is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H - is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I - stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J - stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K - stands for Kill.
L - is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L - is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M - stands for Mephistopheles. That is who she worked for.
N - stands for Necrophilia. She didn't move very much, did she?
O - is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P - is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q - is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R - is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S - stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T - is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U - is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V - is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.
W - stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X - is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y - stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z - stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
. - stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

Perhaps the O and the W should stand for older and wiser. :o ;D ;D ;D

Carl, you're funny!

Open Letter To All Men
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.  My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Jean. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Jean to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.  Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.  Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.  When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.  I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Jean. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Jim

*EDITOR'S NOTE:  Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Jean was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty , accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.  As it should be...

Aha! What an "accident" he had. Though it may have been suicide. ;D

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. If she can look like this , maybe I will too. Woo Hoo.. I am ready to get started!  Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Love it. Love it. Love it. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
@ WORK
You spend the majority of your time
in a 6X6 cubicle /office.

@ PRISON
You get three meals a day fully paid for.
@ WORK
You get a break for one meal and
you have to pay for it.

@ PRISON
You get FREE medical & dental work done

@ WORK
You pay for medical insurance that may or may NOT cover the work you need done

@ PRISON
You get time off for good behavior.

@ WORK
You get more work for
good behavior.

@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

@ WORK
You must often carry a security card
and open all the doors for yourself.

@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games.

@ WORK
You could get fired for watching
TV and playing games.

@ PRISON
You get your own toilet.

@ WORK
You have to share the toilet with
some people who pee on the seat.

@ PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit.

@ WORK
You aren't even supposed to speak
to your family.

@ PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.

@ WORK
You get to pay all your expenses to go
to work, and they deduct taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners.

@ PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

@ WORK
You spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars.

@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens.

@ WORK
They are called managers.

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check e-mails.

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table..
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."                 


After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...
Naked.

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/goof.gif)  ;D ;D ;D

A biker is  riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull
Her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.   

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the
Nose with  a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back
Letting go of  the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him  endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the  biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do  in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt  right.'

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on  the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do  you have?'

'A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican. '

The  journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first  page:  BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS  HIS LUNCH

No matter what situations life throws at you...No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...
Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel... ! 

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/flashlightdog.jpg)

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and immediately fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.  This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Old  Matt

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called  Matt  the computer guy, to come over.
Matt  clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again?"

Matt  grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

I used to like  Matt .

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are
chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their
men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style,
stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and
mask. He saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love
you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in
the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask
over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not
say anything.....but we had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay
at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice,
super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work,
opens the door and says: 'Hi Batman, what's for dinner?'

Jo, I love it.
Frank

Oh dear.......I like that. I wonder how long he lived?

 
AIRPORT TICKET AGENT

A Washington , DC , airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble! These are supposedly true.

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ." Without trying to make her look   stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in Africa ." Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada ?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city Code for Fresno , CA is 'FAT' - (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Fl. On a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, Whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and Sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ."
I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
"You don't mean Buffalo , do you?"
The reply "Whatever, I knew it was a big animal."


Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!   

scary to think these people are running our country, and you are right, Teresa, it explains a whole lot about the mentality of these people we so trustingly put in office to make decisions "in our best interests". >:(

Native American Wisdom...



When told the reason for daylight saving time the old Indian said...

'Only a white man would believe that you could cut
a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the
bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket.'

Boy howdy if THAT isn't the truth!  ::)

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding
gown for her fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature is considered more
appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?

Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite
appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'Oh, he was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how
good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/sign.gif)

                   A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the
beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.   The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.
 

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?'
 

He hadn't -- and said so.
 

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
 

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
 

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, Is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.

'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.


'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.

 

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson. '

 

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

 

'Yes ...' he replied -


She sells C cells by the seashore

 ;D ;D ;D I liked that one Dale!

Oh,!choke!.... ;D ;D ;D

Teresa when I would go out picking wild blueberries in Alaska we used to wear bells and I would carry a .357 Mag and have whomever I was with carry my 7mm Mag. Tourist would always ask about the bells and the guns. I would tell them the .357 was for close up in the brush and the 7mm for more open country. Then I would explain if I was attacked close up I would use the .357 to shoot myself during an attack and the 7mm was for my partner to shoot me if I had a chance to run away and the bear was closing in on me. The bells were for my friend to know where to locate my dead body in the dense brush after the bear got done tossing me around. :D

David

 
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly
to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long
wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face
Sadly he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still  beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried the man's wife, her hands clasped against her
cheeks with shock "We've never had a democrat in the family before!!!"

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nursing Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good new and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient I have concluded your act displays you have a sound mind. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'  The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I¢ve never danced. I jest never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.  When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

There was once a woman who, having been engaged in a deadly car accident, stood at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter looked at her, then carefully considered the Book of Life laying in front of him.  He read down the list of people who were supposed to be getting in and then said, "Yes, you are listed here.  However, before you can get in, you must answer one question before you will be admitted."  She swallowed hard and then said, "Very well.  Your question?"  He smiled at her and said, "Please spell the word, 'cat'."  She smiled beautifully, spelled the word and was granted admittance to Heaven.  After a number of years had passed, St. Peter needed to go to God to discuss some organizational matters and asked that same woman to please watch the Gates for him while he was gone.  She agreed.  While the woman was standing her watch at the Gates, her husband came walking up, having been the victim of a heart attack.  He was thrilled to see her standing there.  She looked through the Book and found his name.  "Yes, you're on the list," she said, "but before you can enter Heaven, you have to spell one word...Please spell the word, 'Czechoslovakia'".

Dale, I liked that one. Catwoman, that is just like a woman, always vindictive.
Both are good.
Frank

'tis good:

 
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
He did what???


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
     No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
      Now that's taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
      What a guy!
   

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
      No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
       See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
     I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
  Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
     Who would have thought!


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 
They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges!
     You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Oklahoma's construction program!


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
    He probably IS the battery charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
      That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
      Do they taste like chicken?


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
      Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

Golf vs Sex...

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is> ahead by a couple of strokes.>

'Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,'> the golfer mumbles to himself.>

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and> whispers, 'Would you be willing to give up> one-fourth of your sex life?'>

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be> meaningless,

the golfer also feels that maybe this is a> good omen so he says,  'Sure,' and> sinks the putt.>

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, 'Gee, I> sure would like to get an eagle on this one.'

> The same stranger is at his side again> and whispers, 'Would it be worth giving up another> fourth of your sex life?'

> Shrugging, the golfer replies, 'Okay' And he> makes an eagle.> On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.>

Without  waiting or him to say anything, the stranger> quickly moves to his side and says,>

'Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest> of your sex life?'>

'Definitely,' the golfer replies, and he makes> the eagle.>

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger> walks alongside him and says, 'I haven't really> been fair with you

because you don't know who I am.> I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have> no sex life.'> 'Nice to meet you,' the

golfer replies,> 'I'm Father O'Malley.'

A 1st grade teacher was reading the story of the 'Three Little Pigs' to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'

Love it ! I think I had him in class. :laugh:

Out of the mouths of Babes   ;D

HOW  DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by  kids)

You  got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports,  she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and  dip coming.
-- Alan, age  10

No person really decides before they grow up who  they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find  out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age  10

WHAT  IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three  is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age  10

HOW CAN  A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have  to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age  8

WHAT DO  YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't  want any more kids.
--  Lori, age 8

WHAT DO  MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates  are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.  Even boys have something to say if you listen long  enough.
--  Lynnette, age 8

On the first date,  they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested  enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age  10

WHAT  WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING  SOUR?
I'd  run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and  make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS  SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
--  Pam, age 7

The  law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with  that.
-  - Curt, age 7

The  rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and  have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age  8


IS  IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's  better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean  up after them.
-- Anita, age  9

HOW  WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET  MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,  wouldn't there?   
-- Kelvin, age  8

And  the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE  WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she  looks like a dump truck.
--  Ricky, age 10

A cop stops a car for going faster than the posted speed limit; & asks the man his name.

Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks".

"Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."


"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing









This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and
distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen
and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious
doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to
himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor
Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the
minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the
results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?'

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my
sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church.'

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You
are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the
Church last week?'

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a
profess ional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did
you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the
minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the
minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting
that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one
week?'

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in
unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many bibles as we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister! agreed. 'I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn--know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-bible
-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'


--
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything.
They just make the best of everything they have!

   
TENNESSEE . . .

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
 
He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Tennessee, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" 

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."
 
 

ALABAMA . . .

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
 
"Where's Henry?" the others asked. 

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. 

"You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired. 

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
 
   

TEXAS . . .   
 
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
 
The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
 
"Yep", he replied; "that's why I'm dumpin it here . . .  it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
 


LOUISIANA . . .   

A senior at LSU was overheard saying . . . "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
 
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
 
 

MISSISSIPPI . . . 

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy: "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied: "Did you see who it was?" 

The young man answered: "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."
 
 

GEORGIA . . . 

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked: "Got any I.D.?" 

The driver replied: "Bout whut?"
 
 

NORTH CAROLINA . . . 

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
 
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. 

The man replied: "I have a flat tire." 

The passerby asked: "But what's with the flowers?"   

The man responded: "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.  Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither."
 
 

AND THIS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA . . . 

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North'

Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an electric fence!  We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.  To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.  I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.  One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.  Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my testicals trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.  Science says you can crap and  pee, but not at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do both at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.  At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.  At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the gas tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.  So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...  I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.  1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.  2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).  3- Poop, and pee when all mixed together, I not smell as bad as you might think.  4- My left eye will not open.  5- My right eye will not close.  6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.  7- My testicals are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.  8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by passing gas while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)  That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always double check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.  The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Texas Third grade Test Answers

Miss Sally Edwards is a highly esteemed third grade teacher at Jacksboro Elementary in Texas . In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Tuesday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics. I call your attention to question # 11, which simply read:

LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________  2. ________ 3.________  4. ________

Could you possibly imagine that 67% of the students gave the following answer?
         1. DOVE SEASON
         2. DEER SEASON
         3. DUCK SEASON
         4. TURKEY SEASON

Mt Rushmore from the Backside
;D

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/MtRushmore.jpg)

Wonder who posed for that???
Good one.

Having been to Mt. Rushmore, I can assure you that this image is available on postcards in just about every gift shop, even the one at Mt. Rushmore.  I know because I sent one to one of my cousins.

Larryj

And it looks like Teresa has a perfect aim.

I am glad she not aiming at us  ???

Funny Conservative T-Shirts

T-shirts for my conservative friends on the forum.

David


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He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me.. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . .. . They already have boyfriends.

He said....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/image13.gif)

I got this in an email and still laugh everytime I read it! Judy

If you've never had this experience, you might be offended.  If you've had it, you will not be able to stop laughing.  And I cleaned it up a little! 


WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to soil yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.


Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck.  Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.


There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.  Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.


  I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate,  I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!


Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.  Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
  Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john.  One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Holy Cow'!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


  Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


  My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.


  Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Those idiots claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Signed,
Walt

ROTFLMBO!!!!  I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face. 

Please be careful.
This person has found her way into my house and could
also get into yours.

A very weird thing has happened.

A strange old lady has moved into my
house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from,
or how she got in.   I certainly did not invite her.
All I know is that one day she wasn't there,
and the next day she was.

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight
for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror I catch a
glimpse of her. And,  whenever I look in the mirror to check my
appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely,
obliterating  my gorgeous face and  body. This is very rude!
I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.

The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no.
Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket,
or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough.
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money
from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later,
it's all gone!

I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old
lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spent some of that
money to buy wrinkle cream.

And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to
disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff  like ice cream,
watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds.

I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is
tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games,
like going into my closets when I'm not home and
altering my clothes so they don't fit.

And she messes with files and papers so I can't find anything.
This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me.
She gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before
I do and blurs the print so I can't read it.

And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my
TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum
heavier and all the knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my
bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.

Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away,
applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something
on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it.

She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me
from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong.
She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's
license and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of
me.

I hope she never finds out where you live.
I really do!

Either she travels fast or she has a twin because she is in my house too.  Sure wish she would quit hogging the mirror.

Well, I have tried setting traps by leaving dirty underwear in the floor, dog toys everywhere, and dirty dishes setting hither and yon. It don't work, she still follows me around, tapping me on the shoulder when I need to raise my arm, causing my bladder to cramp at inconvenient times, and leaving her ugly grey hairs in my brush. She has recently taken to snoring when I am trying to sleep on my back. I get all positioned on my pillow like Sleeping Beauty, and she sneaks in and makes an atrotious SQUAWK! Sigh, I thought that I was the only one with this problem, maybe there is an invasion from some weird outer planet, trying to steal our beautiful personnas and replace them with these less than gorgeous old women. Kind of like Invasion Of The Body Snatchers, only this is more like Invasion Of The Old Broad Snatchers.!

She has either a brother, or a husband that has recently entered my house a few times.  So far he is content taking inch long hairs and glueing them onto my eyebrows, ears and inside my nose while I sleep. ::)

Oh yeah, the dreaded Hair Fairy!  :P :P I don't even want to discuss it!  :-\

I have to go get my drivers license renewed soon. I hope I can distract her so she doesn't jump in front of me when they take my photo! For the first time my hair is all gray. :'(

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in

Front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one

Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt

Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many

Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not

Determine who is right, war determine who is

Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put

Husband in doghouse soon find him in

Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*   

Man who drive like

Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in

Glass house should change clothes in

Basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in

Other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator

Smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Person who deletes this has no humor!!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Now send it to 1

Or more people.

Nothing bad will

Happen but 1 or more person will be laughing
;D

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'


BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.  His dad read : 'The man named   Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon.....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Ha! These are wonderful!

Blonde Password


During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: 

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento



When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had

to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Yeah, but....., then why did she name a planet [or a pseudo planet]?.........

Pluto, the dog, came into being right after fellow Kansan Clyde Tombaugh discovered the planet in 1930. However, his name was Rover through 1931.

A lot of people in the 1930s and 40s believed that the planet was named after the dog.

And others believed it was the other way around.

One of the animators said that the name Rover was too common and they needed to change it: the result was Pluto. This guy has said they were all stoned at the time and no one could remember how they came up with the name.

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow.  The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I love snow!



December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?  Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.  I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.  This afternoon the snow plough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow..  Such a disappointment!  My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.  I don't think that's possible.  Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14
Snow, lovely snow!  8 inches last night.  The temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.  This is the life!  The snow plough came back this afternoon and buried everything again.  I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.  I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15
20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.  Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.  I think that's silly.  We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.  Hurt like hell.  The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.


December 17
Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go anywhere.  Electricity was off for 5 hours.  I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.  God I hate it when she's right.  I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.  More shoveling!  Took all day.  The dam snow plough came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.  I think they're lying.  Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.  Might have another shipment in March.  I think they're lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee.  By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.  Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy.  I think the butt hole is lying.


December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0.  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What is she, nuts?!!  Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?  She says she did but I think she's lying.


December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snow plough, I broke the shovel.  Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snow plough.


December 25
Merry fricking Christmas!  20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.  God, I hate the snow!  Then the snow plough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she's a fricking idiot.  If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.


December 26
Still snowed in.  Why the hell did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea.  She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.


December 28
Warmed up to above -20.  Still snowed in.  My WIFE is driving me crazy!!!


December 29
10 more inches.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.  That's the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?


December 30
Roof caved in.  I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his BUTT.  The wife went home to her mother.  Nine more inches predicted.


December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house.  No more shoveling.


January 8
Feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.  Why am I tied to the bed?

So who on the road crew have you been talking to??.. ;D

HA, good one.

Here's the story


Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed..

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor...

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested...

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...



(You're going to hate me for this... )






'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'



Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff,
I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.
;D

Tee-hee......groan... ;D

WALKING THE DOG
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

 :o I think I would change planes too.  :laugh: :laugh:

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

(This was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:  "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.  They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

As  a bagpiper, I play many gigs... Recently I was asked by a  funeral
director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.
He had no   family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
cemetery in the  Kentucky back-country. As I was not familiar with the
backwoods, I
got lost; and being a   typical man I   didn't   stop for directions. I
finally arrived an hour late and
saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere
in  sight. There    were only the diggers and crew left and were eating
lunch. I felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the    side of
the grave
  and  looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't  know
what else
to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather  around.  I played
out
my  heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.   I played like
I've
never played before for this homeless man. And  as I played 'Amazing Grace,'
the workers
began to    weep. They wept, I wept,  we   all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my      bagpipes and started for my
car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was   full.

As   I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers  say,  "Sweet
Mother   of    Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in septic tanks
  for twenty years."

Good One, Frank!!!!

That was a good one Frank. Rex thought is was funny.
Jane

LOL.... that's sooooo funny!

Why Women Are Crabby

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod pushed up your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we peed our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hear-me-roar.  Calm down and push. Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: 'Menopause', the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex'? Yeah right.

A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job.

- The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything?
          He replied, 'Yes - caffeine.'

- Have you ever been in the military service?'
           'Yes,' he replied. 'I did 2 combat tours of Afghanistan.'

- The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asked,' Are you disabled in any way?'
          The guy said, Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.

- The interviewer grimaced and then said,'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are! from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan to start at 10:00 A.M... every day.

The guy was puzzled and asks, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?

-  This is a government job, the interviewer said. For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in that early.

;D

You gotta love it. ;D ;D ;D ;D

I'm posting this as "humorous.. because I am sure to all the ladies.. it is!!  haha..

( for the record... **Did they REALLY teach this stuff?? **  No wonder it has taken us women a hundred years to get ourselves together..  ;D


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/early60ssexed.jpg)

BOY, have we come a LONG WAY>  I am shaking my head and am
trying to find something "NICE" to say.......but I can't.......................bye

If that happens at my house.. I won';t be the one moaning.. it will be him ..cause I've whacked him aside the head with a skillet.. ;D ;D

(Children Writing About the Ocean...,,actual writings from Children)  
*I laughed so hard*   ;D ;D ;D

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are a incontinent. (age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend
any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through another butt on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)

7 . - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8 - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom , and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he
quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Teresa I am still giggling. What we learn from the little ones!
Thanks for the laughs. I thougth I could pick out my favorite, but they
are all good for a giggle.

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
     This enables you at 85 years old
     to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
     home at $7000 per month.

     My grandpa started walking
      five miles a day when he was 60.
      Now he's 97 years old
      and we don't know where he is.
   
     I like long walks,
      especially when they are taken
      by people who annoy me.
   
     The only reason I would take up walking
      is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
   
      I have to walk early in the morning,
      before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
     
     I joined a health club last year,
      spent about 400 bucks.
      Haven't lost a pound.
      Apparently you have to go there.
   
     Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
      I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
   
     The advantage of exercising every day
      is so when you die, they'll say,
      'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
   
     If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
     start with a small country.
     
     I know I got a lot of exercise
      the last few years,......
      just getting over the hill.
 
    We all get heavier as we get older,
      because there's a lot more information in our heads.
      That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
     
     AND

     Every time I start thinking too much
       about how I look,
      I just find a Happy Hour
   and by the time I leave,
      I look just fine.
   
     Now, if you would like to share go
     right ahead. If not no one is going to care.
   
     Have a great day!
     :D

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/image0011.jpg)

Life in a Small town.
Those who grew up in small towns will
laugh when they read this. Those who didn't will be in
disbelief and won't understand how true it is.

1) You can name everyone you graduated with.
2) You know what 4-H means.
3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday you
could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. (See #5.)
4) You used to 'drag' Main.
5) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers, because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
6) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.) Besides, where would you get the money?
7) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer dropped off.
8 ) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
9) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
10) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references. Turn by Nelson's house, go 2
blocks to Anderson's, and its four houses left of the track field.
11) The golf course had only 9 holes. (what golf course???!!)
12) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
13) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a white vehicle for this reason.
14) The town next to you was considered 'trashy' or 'snooty,' but was actually just like your town.
15) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1955 as the 'rich' people.
16) The people in the 'big city' dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.
17) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or on Main.
18) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.
19) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay or hoe beets for the summer to get stronger.
20) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.
21) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull over and ask if you wanted a ride.
22) Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.
23) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.
24) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.
25) There were no McDonalds.
26) The closest mall was an hour away. or 2 hrs!!
27) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
28) You've peed in a potato, beet or wheat field. or soybean field or mowing hay or......
29) Most people went by a nickname.

I know that this is an old one.. but it is so funny...

Lizard Birth

If you have  raised kids (or been one), and gone through the  pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for  dead Goldfish, the story below will have you  laughing out LOUD!

Overview:  I had to take my son's lizard to the  vet.

Here's what happened:

Just  after dinner one night, my son came up to tell  me there was 'something wrong' with one of the  two Lizards he holds prisoner in his  room.

'He's just lying there looking  sick,' he told me. 'I'm Serious, Dad. Can you  help?'

I put my best lizard-healer  expression on my face and followed him   into his  bedroom.
   One of the little lizards was indeed  lying on his back, looking stressed.. I  immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I  called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh,  my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having  babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But  their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I  was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that  be? I thought we said we didn't want them to  reproduce,' I said accusingly to my  wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do,  post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I  think she actually said this  sarcastically!)

'No, but you were  supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in  my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while  gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and  Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just  a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,'  she informed me (Again with the  sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family  had gathered to see what was going on. I  shrugged, deciding to make the best of  it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous  experience,' I announced. 'We're about to  witness the miracle of birth...'

'Oh,  gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT  just great? What are we going to do with a  litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife  wanted to know.

We peered at the patient.  After much struggling, what looked like a tiny  foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant  second later.

'We don't appear to be  making much progress,' I noted.

'It's  breech,' my wife whispered,  horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son  urged...

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I  reached in and grabbed the foot when it next  appeared, giving it a gentle tug.. it  disappeared. I tried several more times with the  same results.

'Should I call 911?' my  eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe  they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see  a pattern here with the females in my  house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I  said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my son  holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe,  Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't  think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to  him. (Women can be so cruel to their own  young.

I mean what she does to me is one thing,  but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.). 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining  room and peered at the little animal through a  magnifying glass.

'What do you think,  Doc, a C-section?' I suggested  scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,'  he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak  to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped,  nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is  Ernie going to be okay?' my wife  asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured  us.. 'This lizard is not in labor.. In fact,  that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is  a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And  occasionally, as they come into maturity, like  most male species, they um . . Um .. . .  Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his  back.' He blushed, glancing at my  wife..

We were silent, absorbing  this.

'So, Ernie's just . Just . . .  Excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly!! The  vet replied , relieved that we understood. 

More silence.. Then my vicious, cruel  wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then  even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I  demanded, knowing, but not believing that the  woman I married would commit the upcoming  affront to my flawless manliness...

Tears  were now running down her face. 'It's just .that  . .I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its.  .. . teeny little . . '
She gasped for more  air to bellow in laughter once  more..

'That's enough,' I warned. We  thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard  and our son back into the car.. He was glad  everything was going to be okay.

'I know  Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,  he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my  wife agreed, collapsing with  laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One  cage: $50.

Trip to the vet:  $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a  lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the  story: Pay attention in biology  class.

Lizards lay eggs! 

A man boarded a plane with six kids. 


After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied,  "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY!

;D

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?.

"No," said the little boy.............

. . ."It's a puppy!"

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church  found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by

curiosity, approached her.
 
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
 
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
   
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" 

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." 

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" 

"He is a veterinarian," she answered. 

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" 

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '
   ::) :D                 

An elderly widow and widower had been dating for about five years.  The man finally decided to ask her to marry him.  She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was!  "Was she happy?  I think so; wait, no she looked at me funny..."  After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call.  Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called.  I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was!"
                        **********************

The Outhouse Poem

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blond headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as
the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and
hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

 
The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.  Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied," But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."  
Don't mess with Senior Citizens

LOVE this - Have a great Laugh!



Observations on Growing Older

Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them,

but your grandchildren are perfect.

Going out is good. Coming home is better!

When people say you look "Great." They add "for your age!"

When you needed the discount, you had to pay full price.

Now you get discounts on everything.

Movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

You forget names but it's OK, because other people forgot they knew you!

The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and now you

have a better chance of losing your keys, than the 15 pounds.

You realize you're never going to be really good at anything, especially golf.

Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

The things you used to care to do, you no longer c are to do,

but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring, than he does in bed.

It's called his "pre-sleep".,

You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married; Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem... were unheard of,

and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

You used to use more 4 letter words; "what?"  "when?"

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he's home by 9:00 P.M.

Next week it will be 8:30 PM

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless?"

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody whispers???

Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet; 2 of which you will never wear.

But old is good in some things: old songs,

old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through  Holland  ..  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.  'These' she explained, 'Are       the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'  She then asked, 'What do you do in  America  with your old goats?' 

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

How about that?  Same joke, two threads----But mine was four minutes earlier than yours, so there :-*

Larryj

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

Last night I got invited to a party and was told I had to dress to kill.
Apparently a beard, robe, backpack and turban wan't what they had in mind.

Grandma Test

I was out walking with my Grandson.  He picked up  something off of the ground and started to put it in his     mouth.  I took the item away from him and I asked him not  to do that.   'Why' my Grandson asked.  "Because it's been on  the ground;  you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied. At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total  admiration and  asked  "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff??  You are so smart."   I was thinking quickly and said to him.   "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test.   You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently  pondering this new information.   "Oh....I get it! he beamed, So if  you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa". 'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face. .When you're finished laughing, send this to another Grandma!!...

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
;D

CAJUN FIRST AID

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with serious pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes but mostly.....
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror".

Hoo! Hoo!  ;D ;D Good one!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!!

 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the
end of it.
 
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one,
began to tell their stories. There were all the regular
types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
 
The teacher realized, much to her dismay, only Janie
was left. Janie, do you have a story to share?'
 
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my
Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm,
and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank
the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in
the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them
with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke and
then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
 
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What
did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible
story?
 

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

Yep that is a good idea!

---You may remember  the old Jewish Catskill comics of
Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields,
Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye,
Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman,  Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel  Brooks, Phil Silvers,
Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny
and so many others.
 
And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:
* I just got  back from a pleasure trip. I took my
mother-in-law to the  airport.
 
*  I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever  finds out, she'll kill  me!
 
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
 
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be
reporting it. The  thief spends less than my wife  did.
 
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she  shops.
 
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we  spent our wedding  night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
 
* My  wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
 
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was  only for the  estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud  fell off.
 
*  I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still  confused. When I go to dinner,  I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel  hungry.
 
*  The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him  another six months.
 
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back. " Mrs. Cohen answered,  "So did my arthritis!"
 
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"  Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See!  What did I tell  you?"
 
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.  The man asks, "Doc, how do  I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
 
*  Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
 
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,  "You've been  brought here  for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
 
* Why  do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
 
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
 
The  Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like  Chinese food so much. The study  revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
 
There is a big controversy on the Jewish  view of when life begins.  In Jewish tradition, the fetus  is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
 
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
 
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? 
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.
 
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole  officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
 
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
 
A man called his mother in Florida, 
"Mom, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've  been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said,  "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why  haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered,
"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
 
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 
"What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." 
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a  speaking part."
 
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
 
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to  change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't  bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
 
Short summary of every Jewish  holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won.  Let's eat.
 
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a  Jewish mother on the  street and said, "Lady, I  haven't eaten in three days."
"Force  yourself," she  replied.
 
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
 
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because  Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20%  off.


:) 8) :-*

I got this by mistake.. I'm sure that it wasn't meant for me..  :)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/senior.jpg)

Marriage is like a pack of cards.



In the beginning, all you need is

two hearts and a diamond.



By the end, you'll wish you had

a club and a spade.

Weather Report from Minnesota

I just got off the phone with my friend, Bill, in Minnesota. 
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is
still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is
increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. He
says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

For Christmas, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne?.

"No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy."

Truths for mature adults


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5.  I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 

10. Bad decisions make good stories. 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?  I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty.  Underwear gets dirty.  Pants?  Pants never get dirty and you can wear them forever. 

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! 

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.  That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
:-*

These are just perfect.Thanks Judy!

I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande
River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all
the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also
struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that
was strapped to his back.



If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in
distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland
Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.


I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps

 

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in.   What can I do for you?


Employee:  Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss:  Yes. 

Employee:  I won't beat around the bush.   Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss:  A raise?   I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. 

Employee:  I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss:  Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.  How does that sound?


Employee:  Great!   It's a deal!   Thank you, sir!
Boss:  Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee:  Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

LOL

  ;D ;D

Sweet Tea


                  A  woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
                  Doctor:  "What happened?"

                  Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to  do.  Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

                  Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for  that.  When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your  mouth but don't swallow.  Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed and is  asleep."

                  Two weeks later the woman comes back to  the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

                  Woman: "Doctor, that was a  brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

                  Doctor: "You see how much keeping  your mouth shut helps?"
:P

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
:angel:

______________________

t o d a y 's   j o k e
______________________

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the
wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.

"Oh. it's not over yet," says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She
opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills,

"What in the world are these?"

"Aspirin," he replies.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"GOTCHA !!

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!

Queen Elizabeth
and

Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go

before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular

reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of

Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.


Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,

A Royal Flush

Beats a Pair -

No Matter How Big They Are.
::) :P :o ::)
                                       




 

 

Mom's Clarinet

My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."
:angel:

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least   a 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'
:P

Derek sent this to me.. ROTFL~~~ ;D ;D

Tools Explained  
DRILL PRESS:    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.  

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.  
It's coupled with a community service project I am working on.  
There is no need to send me a thank you note

LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME_________

1.  Ramon has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip.  He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting.  How many drive-by shootings can Ramon attempt before he has to reload?

2.  Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine.  If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3.  Rufus pimps 3 ho's.  If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4.  Dave wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit.  How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5.  Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4.  If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6.  Richard is in prison for 6 years for murder.  He got $10,000 for the hit.  If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7.  If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang.  There are 27 girls in his gang.  What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9.  LaSheena is a lookout for the gang.  LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat.  If LaSheena makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10.  Marvin steals Joe's skateboard.  As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum..  If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

I laughed my head off at these. They are so true....... I stole it and shared it with my address book.

---
I know we don't have it this bad. But, I am waving the white flag......just with all the white stuff out there, can it be seen?
LOL
Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler



December 8  6:00 PM

It started to snow.  The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours at the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I love the snow!



December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?  Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!

Shoveled  for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.  I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life!



December 12

Disappointment!  My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.  I don't think that's possible.  Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.



December 14

Snow, lovely snow!  8 inches last night.  The temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.  This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.  I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.  I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.



December 15

20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.  Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.  I think that's silly.  We aren't in Alaska, after all.



December 16

Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.



December 17

Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours.  I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.  Man I hate it when she's right.  I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.



December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the darn stuff last night.  More shoveling!  Took all day.  The snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.  I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.  Might have another shipment
in March.  I think they're lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he's lying.



December 22

Bob was right about a while Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably
won't melt till August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to take a leak.  By the time
I got undressed,and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.  Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy.  I think he is lying.



December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0.  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she, nuts?!!  Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.



December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the
guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair and beat him to death with my broken shovel.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols
with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow driver.



December 25

Merry Christmas!  20 more inches of the white slop tonight – snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil.  Man, I hate the snow!  Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she's a stupid idiot.  If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.



December 26

Still snowed in.  Why did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.



December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.



December 28

Warmed up to above -20.  Still snowed in.  The old lady is driving me crazy!!!



December 29

10 more inches.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.  That's the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?



December 30

Roof caved in.  I beat up the snowplow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for tying to shove the broken snow shovel down his throat.  The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.



December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house.  No more shoveling.


January 8

Feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.  Why am I tied to the bed?

::) ::) :-\ :-\ ;D ;D :'( :'(________________________________

Roping A Deer
(I wonder if any of you have tried this; or will admit to it?)
Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

       I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

       I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

       The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

       That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

       A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

       I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and  I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

       Did you know that deer bite?

       They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

       The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

       It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

       That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

       Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

       This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

       Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

       I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

       All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer

Just funny




I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
 
---------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, we may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-----------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted  her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his  hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the  priest smiled broadly.  As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 
-----------------------------------
   
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,  'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to  say?' 

Artie  said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
   
  Eugene commented:  'I would like them to say I was a wonderful  teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's  lives.'
 
Carl said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
   
------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of  Mt.   Sinai  to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years  mean to you?' 
The  Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks,  'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'  The Lord replies, 'A penny.'   
'Smith  asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord  replies, 'In a minute.'

--------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife  said softly.. 
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. 
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

--------------------------------   
 
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have  to talk to you about it.'  The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' 
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'   
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads,  'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning  me, what should I do?' 
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll  see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'   
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said, 'Yes.'  The Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'
8)

Second Opinion!
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can
cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your
spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He
had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was
without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized
that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a
new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye'd him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some
new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache.'

:'( :'( :o :o

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need your capitalistic over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the East for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.  Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said: "Your brother won't let me in without a tie....."

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew...and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked
Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.

The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went
in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes, he returned... And said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha.
I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haffta leave my socks on... so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
************************************

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Nanaimo British Columbia and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. "The annual salary is $85,000, and you'll have to go to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

My Favorite Animal - -

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.     He said they love animals very much. 

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.   I don't understand.   My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

An old  married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas
and says,  Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm  ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to  be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.' 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. 

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. 
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and
accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was  that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides


If you  don't laugh
At this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humor  !!!!!!!!

;D

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,

DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina .
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of
small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was
sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ....

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS
::) ;)

 

I thought you needed help with texting your friends...after all, the kids
have all their little codes...like BFF, WTF, etc. So here are the codes for
seniors:


ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

::) ::) ::) :o :o

I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Quote from: Dee Gee on April 11, 2011, 08:46:29 PM
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Like!  8)

A Simple Explanation of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out, the other in.
The one that's in sends players out one at a time to see if
they can get in before they get out. If they get out before
they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get
in before they get out, it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before
they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in
and the team in goes out to get those going in out before
they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times, the game is
over. The team with the most in without being out before
coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case,
the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they
get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins
out but one team has more in without being out before coming
in.

Thanks for clearing that up for me.

Larryj

                                                                       THE JAR!
                                                               

An 85 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample
tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
                                                                 

The doctor asked, "What happened, didn't I ask you to bring me back a sperm sample?"

The man went on to explain, "Well doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

                                                                       

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then she tried her
left hand, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the
teeth out, and still nothing.
                                                               


We even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too,
but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried

                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               *
                                                                               * we couldn't get the damned jar open."

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a
bank robbery on March 2nd, 2009:


Once  inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or tw o large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.' 

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:


'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....

Not right . . . not right at all!   :D :P (Where's the 'shaking head' smiley?)

Why I am now divorced!


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch.....

Naked.
::)

Good one, Judy!  That was a great way to start the day.

Larryj

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

I just had to post this where the Masses would read it. I have a family of guys, dad, brother and nephews who live for golf and I did caddy for dad when  I was a young teen, thought it was a waste of a good day for a hike. (I don't have the eye-hand coordination that is needed for the game....even putt-putt golf is not for me.) Give me a crow-bar and I can tear up ANYTHING.LOL. Enjoy

GOLF, n.

[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

[2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.

[3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.

[4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.

[5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.

GOLF CART, n.

[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.

GOLFER, n.

[1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;

[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'   

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!' 

A B C D E F G H I J K


A wife asked her husband to describe her .....

He said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K".

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot".

She said: "Oh, that's so lovely. What about -- I, J, K?"

He said: I'm Just Kidding.....!!!


Room 911 at General Hospital if you want to visit him.

Now that's a hot, going stright to my e-mail people. Thanks.

Brothers at the Pearly Gates
 

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when three young seedy and suspicious looking  men arrive. He looks out through the gates and says,
"Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's office and tells Him who is outside the gates waiting to enter.

God says to St. Peter, "How many times do I have to  tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are  loved. All are brothers here. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter  goes back to the Pearly Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

He returns to God's office and says, "Well, they're  gone."

"Who? The 3 men ?" asked God

"No...the  gates."   

 


HEALTH MESSAGE:
 
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.
 
AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!
I'm retired, go around me!!

:angel:

These are actual comments made by Texas Highway Patrol Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.   They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."


4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?   Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going?   I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.   Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning!   You want a warning?   O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.   Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair?   You want me to be fair?   Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota.   Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.   We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.   So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?   You're right, we don't.   Sign here."   ;D

(http://www.nicky510.com/comics/2010-08-26OT78TreeOF.jpg)

Alcohol Issues
A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving:
I went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.


::) :P ;D

Just too funny!  Thanks.

Larryj

This Week's Laugh: The Laws of Parenting

The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. 
Toys multiply to fill any space available. 
The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. 
Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. 
If the shoe fits...it's expensive. 
The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. 
The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet. 
Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
:P ::) ::)

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 

Got this from an old friend and former co-worker today and of course thought of Jarhead.

It is entitled...........IF YOU DON'T KNOW GOD, DON'T MAKE STUPID REMARKS!!!!!!

A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments.  He had completed many missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.  One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.  He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.  I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.

The lecture hall fell silent.  You could heard a pin drop.  Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am, GOD, I'm still waiting.

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.  The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.  The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and said, "What in the world is the matter with you?  Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "GOD was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an idiot.  So he sent me."

The classroom erupted in cheers.

_______________________________________

Larryj

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back; we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.  A retired Navy fighter pilot drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.  The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a  Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
 
"That's correct", said the boss.   "Another glass, please."
 
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
 
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
 
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. 
     
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something.  She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. 
 
The alcoholic tried it.  "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
   :P :o

 NUN WAS SITTING AT THE VICTORIA AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CALGARY.
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN; OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY .'
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ :
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE .'
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CALGARY."
  ::) 8) ;)

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH TOMORROW.

THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING & SEXY "OLD" PEOPLE.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU THIS TO SAY "GOODBYE".

I've got to go pack.....

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.  I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.  They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.  They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.  One last point:  No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:  Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.  One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters Degree from MIT in Fluid Technologies and Ship Design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering.  His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.  The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.  Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina.  We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure.  Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened, to find in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers.  Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."  ::) ::) ;D

HA!!!!!!!!

Blonde mortician


A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

:P

 :D Nope, I didn't.  Good one!

Larryj

EEEEEEKKKKKKK!