I rear-ended a guy the other day
He got out of his vehicle and was he ever pissed.
He hollared at me "I AM NOT HAPPY'
So I asked "which one are you then?
Here's a 3rd grade joke. The teacher asked Willie if he could name five animals that live near the north pole. "Well, sure," he said. "Four polar bears and a seal."
good answer
Doctor Jones fell in the well
And died without a moan
He should have tended to the sick
And left the well alone.
Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because his parents were in a jam.
Another third grade joke.... Why were the elephants the last to leave Noah's Ark? It took them awhile to pack their trunks. ( One more and I'll go away.)
What vegetable is never allowed on a boat? A leek ::) ::) ::)
Here's one for Rudy. It was really thought up by one of my third graders during our creative writing class.
How is a man in the dark like a man with a broken Bic?
One lights a taper and the other tapes a lighter.
I've been reading the kid jokes to my 7 year old. He really gets a kick out of them, and then he makes up his own.
This morning he told me...
What did the banana say to the walnut? -- Hey, let's jump into that grocery cart!
Needless to say, he doesn't have it quite figured out yet, but I thought it was cute.
One of my favorite jokes (mainly because it makes my kids SO mad) is...
Knock, knock
--Who's there?
Impatient cow
--Impati.......
MOOOOOO!!!!!
AND why did the chicken cross the road???
To show the armadillo it could be done.
Good morning all. Now that is one cute joke. ;D
Mrs.Momma, kids do love knock-knock jokes don't they? Sometimes we'd flip word parts around and see what happened. It's great phonics practice. Many are totally silly and others are cute. Butterflies become flutterbys....typewriters are writetypers...peanut butter=beanut putter... butter the toast becomes toast the butter ( that one really creates a funny picture in your mind....and came from one of the kids!)
I knew I was a kid at heart. I do that all the time, just because I like the sound of it. My wife, however, is driven crazy by it. Well, that's what she claims did it. It is even possible to move the syllables around in a more creative way. For example, you can wind up singing the wonderful Beatles tune:
Winthedral Cachester.
;D
Yas, tis funny, that is. My sister used to slip a lot accidentally. Lunder and thighting and my all time dinner favorite....post rot.... She got very sensitive about it and I would try not to laugh, but I usually couldn't control it. I don't think she ever really understood that I wasn't laughing at HER, just the funny words!
Verbal Dyslexia
That's what Jim says I have - because when I speak I also can do a good job of getting the words mixed up. Don't know if it's a legitimate diagnosis, but it sure fits what y'all are talking about.
That's a great name for it, Mom70x7! It's usually a lot of fun. Sometimes, though, you will get halfway through one of them and notice that second half is something that you should not be saying, which is sort of embarrassing.
:-[
I was lucky enough to visit the real "Winthedral Cachester.'' Winchester is a wonderful old city.... has King Arthur's round table up on the wall. At least that's what they insist it is.( Ahem.)....We stayed at a wonderful family B&B. Ate with the family at breakfast. "Mom" wanted to know if we wanted to eat American or would we eat " a proper British breakfast.'' Well, I've never been known to push food away... So it was Gammon and eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms and toast. It was across Guy Fawkes, so we joined in. As we were walking up a hill to see the fireworks, a group of teenaged girls were walking down. One of them said , to nobody in particular, "I know there's a fish & chips shop near here somewhere.'' I responded, "It's on the left, at the bottom of the hill." She stopped, looked at me, quite shocked, and said,"YOU'RE AMERICANS!" I didn't know whether to smile or hide. Great memories.
I did a fair amount of consulting for Barclay's Bank in the eighties, so I have had the priveledge of spending quite a bit of time in Great Britain. I generally enjoyed those stays very much. It's always pleasant, of course, to travel to a foeign land where the natives more or less speak your language.
;D
Quote from: Diane Amberg on July 17, 2007, 02:13:59 PM
So it was Gammon and eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms and toast.
There should have been a "fried slice" on there as well ;)
Quote from: kdfrawg on July 17, 2007, 03:28:53 PM
foeign land where the natives more or less speak your language.
;D
was it Winston Churchill who said we are "separated by a common language"?
That is indeed who said that, MarineMom. There was a fella with a way for words.
;D
We stayed at B&Bs everywhere from Land's End to John O'Groates. And yes, we had a fried slice, beans on toast and "streaky'' too. Well, not all at the same meal! We have a fire brigade friend who lived at Shotley Bridge, near Durham, and we got to stay a few days with them too. His mum spoiled us rotten with kippers and real Dover Sole, bangers and mash, and beef & Yorkshire Pudding. They took us to Durham Castle and Durham Cathedral too. Martyn spoke "Geordie British." Speaking of English, we drove all over the country ( I got to know the M1 very well.) but we also took the 125 train from London up to Edinburough. The conductor was very funny. As we changed regions, he changed his accent! I loved Scotland too, Mom's people were Ayrshire, from the Kilmarnock area.... had haggis, tatties and neeps and great lamb. A wonderful country.
One grows quickly used to the differences in food and habits in foreign lands. The one thing that I found utterly strange at the time, and still find strange, is the beverage served with the salmon at a fishing lodge in Scotland where a friend from the bank took me. I don't think I would ever get used to throwing down Scotch neat with my fish, regardless of the admiration I have for good single-malts.
;D
What, no Shandy? I never was sure what might show up in the local game soup, but it was always very good. We would often stop at the local bakery for sausage rolls at lunch time. They were only about 30 P. then. We enjoyed all the various meat pies, and to this day, the "ploughman's lunch" is still one of my favorites. It's hard to get good pub onions here though. I finally figured out what "sultanas" and "caster" sugar were. Gateau is cake, but cake is also cake. And boots and bonnets aren't always clothes, but Wellies are. And I REALLY got tired of peas.
Ok, how about some more third grade jokes.
What's the difference between a very hungry man and a very fat man?
One longs to eat and the other eats too long.
Why should a man in the desert always wear his watch?
Because it has a spring in it.
Why is a book like a ripe cherry?
Its always read. (red)
A CANDY STORY
A little girl eating Cotton Candy for the first time looked very puzzled then looking up at the mother said " Mommy, will you please watch me awhile and see if I am eating this candy."
Some lessons are learned at mothers knee others over it.
Peas, Diane, are to England what baked tomatoes are to Australia.
Which is overdone and everywhere.
;D
;D ;D ;D That's great! Here's one last joke.
Why should you always cover your ears when a rooster is crowing?
Because he always uses fowl language.
Quote from: Diane Amberg on July 17, 2007, 05:40:41 PM
, and to this day, the "ploughman's lunch" is still one of my favorites. It's hard to get good pub onions here though.
There is a chain of stores called World Market that sometime carries them. Or an online place to order them is Brits in Lawrence Kansas, they are usually reasonable and ship quickly (I generally have my stuff in less than a week)
http://www.britsusa.com/contact.php :)
I never made it to Australia. We were going to go for our 25th anniversary but family illness made it impossible. Now Al doesn't have the stamina for it....he would argue, but I know he doesn't. I'm just glad for all the wonderful places we did get to visit, and the wonderful people we met. But I do like tomatoes, any way shape or form. And MarineMom....thank you so much for the information. :) :)
There's a World Market in Lawrence, and they do indeed usually have them. But, to take a clue from another thread, Brits, and the shop next door on our main street, Au Marche, are not only local business but great businesses. Either will bend over backward to get you what you need, with Brits covering Great Britain and Au Marche the rest of Europe. I just love both places, and although I don't have the energy budget to wander Massachusetts Street, I always make it a point to visit both of these places often.
Ok, I go to plan B. There is a World Market about 45 min. north of me, but they didn't have pub onions the few times I've been there. It's kinda out of my general shopping area. I just called and described what I wanted, but the girl said they didn't have them and didn't know what they were. She wondered if I could get a brand name. Any ideas? Other wise I will check out that britsusa site. Thanks! :)
Quote from: kdfrawg on July 18, 2007, 10:31:29 AM
I just love both places, and although I don't have the energy budget to wander Massachusetts Street, I always make it a point to visit both of these places often.
Wichita has a World Market that I get too once in a while when I am in Wichita, but it can be "strolled" through on line so I go in there knowing exactly what I am after --and make it my last stop so I am to tired to be tempted to wander around finding all kinds of things I have lived without for 30 years and now suddenly find essential ;D I would love to go to Lawrence and shop at Brits in person but online is a good substitiute
http://www.worldmarket.com/home.jsp
Thanks again! I WILL get some pub onions eventually. I was lucky enough to visit World Market's grandparents...Cost Plus in San Fransicso. Talk about a shopping experience. It has expanded over the years to a number of buildings near Fisherman's Wharf. I love San Francisco.
Wow, yes, Cost Plus is an amazing place. I loved to go down there and wander around, back when I lived there and could still wander. They had a little bit of everthing. I also miss Trader Joes.
Hey there, Frawg. Did you know that Pizza Hut started in Wichita? What kind of pizza would a frawg order? And I do have a serious question. How do you all pronounce the name of the Arkansas River? Is it Ar-can-saw or Ar-kansas?
Why can't a nurse buy a new watch?
Because it has to be a second hand one.
Diane, there is only one correct way to prononce the Arkansas River in Kansas, it is Ar-Kansas
And how do you prononce Arkansas City, Arkansas and Arkansas City, Kansas?
Thank You, Frawin! :) :) :) :)
My father always said it as you said, so that's how I learned it. Some time ago I was talking to an east coast friend who was about to drive to Colorado and I said the Ar-kansas river and he thought I was nuts. I feel better.
I have never pronounced Arkansas City, Arkansas but Arkansas City Kansas is Ar-Kansas City, Kansas and the Arkansas River in Kansas is pronounced Ar-Kansas River.
I used to ask why it was different depending on which state you were from and I don't remember all of the answers I got. If people from Arkansas are correct then maybe the question should be why Kansas isn't pronounced Kansaw.
By the way I remember your Father, Grandparents and your Uncle Ted well. I am thinking your Father's name was Lyle. Ted always had time to talk to young people.
Frank Winn
Again I thank you. I have the biggest smile right now. Yes, my father was Lyle. Uncle Ted was a real character. Bill Denton was family too. If not by blood line, then by heart line, and altogether it makes a lifeline, which is all that matters.
Kansans are the only people in the nation who pronounce both Arkansas river names as "RKansas."
Kansans also pronounce the southern border town of Arkansas City as "RKansas City."
Some state residents say their reason for using that pronunciation is that they do not live in "Kansaw."
Prior to 1881, citizens of the state southeast from Kansas commonly used two pronunciations for their area: "RKansas" and "Arkansaw."
Apparently wanting to differentiate their great state from the other great state, the Arkansas legislature passed a resolution in 1881 clarifying the matter.
The legislature recognized the state spelling as "Arkansas" but having the preferred pronunciation of "Arkansaw."
Give credit to Matt Dilllon and Gunsmoke. Even though his Dodge City was in Hollywood, he used the Kansas pronunciation each time.
The word Kansas is a Siouan word meaning "People of the South Wind." The similar Siouan word, Arkansas, has meaning "Downstream People."
I sure hope I do not have anything misspelled.
Now, we could have some fun with this. If "Kansas" means "People of the South Wind," then perhaps Arkansas really means 'People of the South Wind, Downstream." Thank you for the information. I am learning a lot today.
Yikes! Me, too!
Thank you, W. Gray!
;D
Waldo, you have earned an A+. I didn't find any mispelled words. Of course I had never seen the word Siouan before. Might have to look that one up and change your grade.
My son says he has a new joke for us....
Why did the grape run away from home?
Because the apple was still eating his sandwich.
(I'm worried about that boy!!!)
Very cute. He's getting the idea.
Then there was the man who fell into the machine at the upholstery shop.
He's completely recovered now.
Quote from: Diane Amberg on July 18, 2007, 11:00:12 AM
I just called and described what I wanted, but the girl said they didn't have them and didn't know what they were. She wondered if I could get a brand name.
I have been trying to remember and finally I wennt and pickd the brains of the other 2 English ladies in Elk county the brand is Crosse and Blackwell and you might tell the clerk that you are looking for pickled onions instead of pub onions hope that helps
Thank you so much. The girl said all they had were the little cocktail onions.
I would like to add an item about the Arkansas River.
Several years ago, the wife and I went up to Leadville, Colorado.
People seem to marvel about Denver being the mile-high city.
Leadville, though, is the two mile-high city.
Above Leadville, I managed to hop across the Arkansas River at its source.
The Arkansas River is also at the bottom of the Royal Gorge.
There is plenty of white water river rafting on the Arkansas River in the mountain areas.
Waldo, Marvin and I took the train trip out of Leadville a few years ago and the beginning of the Arkansas river was one of the highlights, but we didn't get to jump across it. It starts on a mountain close to where the train began it's return journey. Couldn't hardly believe it was just a little "creek" for most of the trip up there. Also, Denver is the mile high city, but on this trip we seen the highest point in Colorado and it was called Elbert Peak. I'll always remember that name, cause that's an uncle's name.
That railroad, the Leadville, Colorado, and Southern, was purchased lock, stock, and barrel by the current owners for $10 back in the 80s.
The line was originally the Denver, South Park and Pacific and Colorado and Southern narrow gauge but replaced by standard gauge, I think, in the 1940s.
Burlington Northern owned the line and was going to include in their abandonment plans. A husband and wife team approached the railroad company and came away with a sweetheart deal, at least for purchase.
Running and maintaining it is not cheap.
They got tracks, freight and passenger depots, engine houses, and rolling stock wrapped up in one package.
I bought the best railroad cap I have in the passenger depot.
The only disappointment, from my perspective, is that the engine is not steam.
It is also a little strange to have a caboose with flashing lights and diesel horn blaring leading the way up the mountains.
running and maintaining are not cheap and neither are the tickets, but after all it's a "tourist" attraction and in my opinion well worth the price. Have often wondered if the picture the magazine photographer took of Marvin and I ever made it to print. It was some travel magazine and he took all our information like where from, our opinion of the ride, the scenery, etc.
Made you feel all important like.. huh... :)
I had someone that wrote for a horse magazine talk to me for the longest time a few years ago..
I was at a western reenactment and he told me how photogenic I was and how I was this and that.. took all kinds of information and took about 40 camera shots of me with the horses....
Said I would be in a magazine.. ( can't remember which one now) .. but I doubt it ever came to light
.. or I think I would have been contacted and would have had to sign some release forms or something.
But he suuuure had my head filled with fluff for a few days.. ;D ;D ;D
Thank you all for the information and stories about the Arkansas River. I love Colorado too, and have been there a number of times before and after they started rescueing the old trains. We've ridden the one at Cripple Creek, also the Cumbres and Toltec and the one at Georgetown that takes the nifty Georgetown Loop up and out of the crease between the mountains. My mother's grandfather had a silver mine 'way up in the Mts. near Georgetown long ago. Apparently he and his brother would summer at the mine, and when it got good and cold they would go elk hunting (no, not THAT elk!) butcher them, toss the meat in their buckboard and head back across Kansas.
I think THAT elk is still wandering around in another thread.
yes, Teresa, it was great to THINK that someone would want to see us hanging out the train window with those great big smiles, but like you, doubt that we made it past the film in the camera. ::) story of my life :'(
Well Flo... You are important to all of us..
THAT is better than a dumb ole' magazine anyway..
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/nawww.gif)
Here's a good anaerobic strength builder:
As if doing massages and carrying Mason around most of the day isn't enough. :-\
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
It is a little more difficult, but you can do it if you concentrate!
Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute.
(I'm at this level now) (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/yes.gif)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Bad, Teresa, Bad...Oh,boo!! :P When is a chair like a lady's dress?
When it is sat in. (satin)
When we took the Cumbres & Toltec train ride, there was a stop at the far end where we stopped for lunch before the return trip. There was a good sized building where they served a nice buffet, with seating inside and picnic benches outside. As we were taking our trays outside, to eat and enjoy the beautiful weather, we saw a contingent of cute ground squirrels headed up the train steps into each car. They went over and under every seat looking for any dropped goodies. As we started cleaning up to leave, here they came, bounding down the steps. As we got seated and began to pull away, there they were, under and over every picnic table looking for leftovers.
aren't those fun to watch :)
When is a sheep like ink?
When it's in a pen.
How is a baby like a big storm?
They both get started with a squall.
As an addition to Diane's railroad comment.
I think, the Granddaddy of them all is the steam powered Durango and Silverton Narrow Gauge RR. The line uses nineteenth century type cars both open and closed.
Fares begin at $65 but can go to $200 each person depending on accommodations. There are as many as four trains a day, seven days a week.
After an around 8:00 a.m. departure from Durango, the train arrives in Silverton, a former mining town, about noon and passengers get off to roam town and eat lunch. Silverton is a little larger than Moline but has many restaurants and shops that cater to a quarter million annual tourist trade, most of whom arrive by rail.
Silverton, the county seat, is the only town in San Juan County, the least populated county in Colorado. The total county population is just under 600 and not more than a handful of citizens live outside the county seat.
All the restaurants and stores we patronized had potbellied stoves for heating. The line has to shut down during dead of winter due to snow blockage.
Durango located in the southwest Colorado is at 6,500 feet and the rail line climbs to 9,300 feet at Silverton. (By comparison, Howard is at 1,200 feet). The roadbed and track were constructed by Chinese and Irish laborers.
At one point along the line there is a five-star resort. The only way to and from the resort is by train. There is, however, a helicopter pad for those who have the means for such amenities.
The scenery is spectacular but the train ride combined with the altitude can be tiring. A good many people sleep the return trip.
There is also a ledge which terrifies many passengers. With little room to hold the narrow gauge track, the canyon wall goes straight down three hundred feet to the Animas River.
The steam powered Cumbres & Toltec narrow gauge is owned by the states of Colorado and New Mexico. That line meanders in and out of those states twenty-six times. A trip begins either at Antonito, Colorado, at 7,800 feet or at Chama, New Mexico, at the same elevation. Trains meet at Osier, Colorado, for lunch after which most people return to their departure point, although some continue on to the other end. The line goes as high as 10,000 feet at Cumbres Pass.
We started out at Chama and had lunch at Osier.That's where we saw those clever ground squirrels. We have the Durango and Silverton on our list, but I don't know if Al has the Stamina for it any more. I assume you are a train buff?
Yes, but unfortunately my wife is not. The last train ride we took was the Grand Canyon train out of Williams, Arizona, to the Grand Canyon.
That train was robbed by masked gunmen who came out of nowhere at a gallop firing at the run and boarding from their running horses. Fortunately, the sheriff was on the train and corralled them all during a gunfight. Kids from six to eighty enjoyed the ruckus. Part of the fare pays for their acting abilities.
Soon after, we were leaving Death Valley headed for another ride in Nevada but she pleaded no more and I can understand her view.
Also, in Colorado, there is a railroad tour that leaves Cañon City (Canyon City) and goes along the bottom of the Royal Gorge. (This area of Colorado was once part of the Spanish empire.)
One can look up 1,200 feet to the Royal Gorge Bridge and it seems like a toothpick. The bottom of the gorge is only fifty feet wide and both the train track and the Arkansas River share that width.
The Pike's Peak Cog Railway goes from Manitou Springs up to the top of Pikes Peak at 14,000 feet. It operates using cogs between the rails interlocking with cogs on the cars to help ratchet the train along.
The cogs allow climbing steeper grades than with a regular locomotive and help keep the train from being a runaway.
I've done the Pikes Peak Cog Train too. It was high summer and we were the only people on board who had proper clothes. ( I had been on it before) We have the photo of us standing in front of the altitude sign. 14,110 ft. What a beautiful view. We could see all the way into Kansas. The amber waves of grain.... We have our own steam train too. The Wilmington & Western. It goes from Greenbank station to Hockessin, all of 10 miles away. Every time they think they've raised enough money to add track, some tropical storm hits us and tears it up again. It's along a stream bank that floods like what Howard got.
I loved the Alaska RR too. Not steam, but what a trip. We drove to Grand Canyon, but got to meet the train as it came into the village. Everybody was waving and having a good time. I still want to ride the skunk train. We saw Royal Gorge but didn't take the train. The Cripple Creek train does the train robbery too. One of the outlaws took a tumble down a huge pile of mining tailings; I don't know why he didn't break a leg.
We didn't take the train from Durango to Silverton, opting instead to drive and I'm glad we did, although we paralleled the train many times. We made a lot of stops to look at scenery, old mines, etc. and still got to Silverton ahead of the train. We done the "town tour" and I was most impressed by the monument to miners at the north edge on the hill and looking down at Silverton from that hill. I have many pictures in our scrapbook taken there. One thing I do on our trips is take pictures. Didn't take the train ride from Williams to the grand canyon either, drove it, but did take a plane trip out over the grand canyon. That was awesome.
Alright, now listen up. When Al went to bed last night he said, "This pillow feels really good." and I said "Said Tom softly." Do you remember those? Now, Rudy and Frawg, don't you dare go where you could. Behave!!!
"Dawn came too soon," Tom mourned.
"That's the last time I'll ever touch a lion," said Tom offhandedly
Ok, take it away! Your turn.
"Measure twice before you cut," Tom remarked.
Gee, I thought Frawg and Rudy would jump on those. Guess not. I'll just go sit in the closet and suck my thumb for awhile.
Nope, nope, I'm none too bright, but the older I get the fewer chances I take.
;D
OK.... here's another third grade joke.
A child says to the teacher, "Would you ever punish me for something I didn't do?" "No of course not," said the teacher. "Good, I didn't do my home work."
The young mother said, when I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!".
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy".
"I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head sitting on a park bench. . . ::) ::) ::) = nahhhhhhh, won't do that one.. . . This guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder ::) ::) ::) nahhhhhhhh, won't do that one either. Okay, the teacher asks her students to say a sentence using the word fascinate ::) ::) ::) >:( can't use that one either. Forget it, I'm going to bed.
A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father." said the mother.
The boy seemed astonished as he said to his mom, "Then who's that old baldheaded fat man that lives with us now?"
Those are all really great. Here's one that Janet can appreciate, and it really happened. A friend of mine is a state trooper/paramedic with our aviation division, and recently was taking his recert classes. The emergency room doc who was teaching a part on proper safety precautions, said, "Someone threatens you with a knife, what would you do?" My friend said, "I'd treat the gun shot wounds.'' The doc says, "He doesn't have a gun." Says my friend, "but I do!''
Long ago in the old west, a big, brown, hairy, three legged dog hobbled into the local saloon and in a loud, gruff voice exclaimed," I'm here to find the guy that shot my paw!"
< floop >
Flooping is simultaneous smiling and groaning. It is rare, but Diane seems to have a knack for making me floop.
;)
And for all you rocket scientists....A neutron walked up to a hot dog cart and asked the owner," How much for a large hot dog with mustard, relish and onions?" The cart owner replied, "For you, no charge."
What would he say to a proton?
I'm not sure, maybe he would say he was neutral about the whole thing.
Here's another. Two molecules were skipping down the road, when they bumped into each other. "Are you all right," sez one to the other. ''No, I lost an electron," said the second to the first. ''Are you sure?'' said #1. "Yup," said #2, as he checked himself over, "I'm positive."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
A man brought his comatose bird to his veterinarian to see if it could be saved.
The Vet examined the bird and pronounced it dead. The man cried, OH ARE YOU SURE. The Vet said if you insist, there are some further tests we can do. The man said please do them.
In a few minutes the Vet brought in a Yellow Labrador Retriever, the dog licked the bird, and started baying very sadly.
Next the Vet brought in a Grey Tabby cat. The feline sniffed the bird and started to meow, again in a doleful mouring tone.
The Vet said, "I am sorry, but your bird is dead". The sad man left the Vet's office and went to pay his bill.
The Vet's assistant presented him with the bill and the man was outraged. "You're charging me $150.00 to tell me that my bird is dead?"
Yes sir replied the assistant, $50.00 for the office visit and
$50.00 each for the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.
The parents asked a first grader what he learned in school today.
"We learned how to make babies," the kid replied.
Shocked and obviously cautious, the dad asked, "...and how do you make babies?"
Drop the "y" and add "i-e-s," came the kid's reply.
B-o-o-o! to all of you. YUK,YUK,
A man walks into a Pet store and asks the clerk for a file.
Clerk: We don't carry files, What do you need to file?
Man: I need to file down my pet parrot's beak. It is too sharp and if he bites me it hurts.
Clerk: You can't use a file to file down your parrot's beak, you'll kill it.
Man: No no, I'll be really careful, I'll just go next door to the hardware store and buy a file.
The next day the man returns to the Pet Store.
Clerk: How can I help you today?
Man: I need to buy a new parrot, mine died.
Clerk: AH HA, I told you that if you filed your parrot's beak it would die.
Man: Filing his beak didn't kill him, he was dead when I put his head in the vice.
That's horrible!
I love it!
;D
That was a late parrot! ;D
On the following page, you will find the dead parrot sketch, the spam sketch, the lumberjack song, and any number of other Monty Python tidbits.
http://monty.python.videowall.sytes.org/ (http://monty.python.videowall.sytes.org/)
The page above is nearly complete, but is somehow missing the sketch about the flying sheep. In order to remedy that deficiency, I offer the following:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vkw2DdoskPY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vkw2DdoskPY)
;D
THANK YOU! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I feel as though I've been given a wonderful, if very early, birthday gift. (Jan.11)
Why, happy early birthday! Or, you could think of it as a late half-birthday present, so I will still owe you one in January.
;)
Thank you for either. Growing up, my birthday was always a problem. There were a number of Nov., Dec. birthdays and then Christmas, so when mine came along, everybody was sick of celebrating and by then real winter had settled in and the weather was very uncertain, not to mention all the sickness.... so ... and I hated getting my gifts in Christmas wrap!!!!! :P :-[ ??? >:(
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
That was just about the coreyest joke I ever heard.
My in-laws loved it just a half-hour ago. Just for that joke, they said I didn't have to pay of any of Manfred's BBQ that I ate.
So there.
;)
Corey? ok, I guess it was "corey" at that. It sure got to the core of my funny bone.
just found these while cleaning out some papers, and can't resist - perhaps a little more third grade mentality
HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique Up On IT
HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
Tame Way, Unique UP On IT
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A Stick
WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho Cheese
HOW DO YOU PUT A GIRAFF IN A REFRIGERATOR?
Simple, just open the door and put him in
HOW DO YOU PUT AN ELEPHANT IN THE REFRIGERATOR?
Did you say same way? WRONG
You open the door, take out the giraff and then put the elephant in.
That's all for today
changed my mind
The Giraff called a meeting of all the animals and they all showed up but one, can you guess which one didn't show up?
The elephant, cause he's still in the refrigerator
You are traveling through the jungle and come to a river you must cross, but you know that this river is also used by alligators. So how do you get across?
YOU SWIM ACROSS - The alligators are all at the meeting. ;D ;D ;D
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro Sinko
Si,! Those are all really funny. Who was unfortunately born with a purple cast to his skin, but grew up to be a great warrior anyway? Alexander the Grape.
Now, for the edification of you medical laypeople out there, I will lay before your feet some very technical medical terminology. Please accept this in the spirit it was intended.
Artery---- the study of fine paintings
Cesarean section---- a district in Rome
Colic----a sheep dog
Congenital----friendly
Dilate------To live longer
Fester----quicker
More to come later
GROOOAAANNNN~~~~~~~~~~~`````
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!"
Kermit, if I die laughing, Al will have you arrested for murder.
I honestly don't know why I find those so amusing, but I do. ;D
amusing...AMUSING? Those are fall on the floor and kick your feet hilarious! But prim and proper little ol' me would never do that.
"No, I would never do that, either" he said, attempting to get up off the floor and wipe the tears of laughter from his eyes.
So, Dr. Diane, laugher IS the best medicine, eh?
Yes, laughter really is medically good for you.
Quote from: Kermit on July 30, 2007, 08:40:27 PM
I honestly don't know why I find those so amusing, but I do. ;D
I wouldn't know why you do either... ::)
Why, it would seem to be a mystery!
;D
Ok, here are a few more medical terminology groaners.
G.I. series----baseball games between teams of soldiers
Grippe--- a small suitcase
Hangnail----a coat hook
Medical staff-----an old doctor's cane
Minor operation-----coal digging
Morbid-----a higher offer
Nitrate----lower than the day rate
Node---was aware of
more to come
Here's another third grade joke.
How can you reliably stop a big, mean bull elephant from charging?
Cancel his charge card.
or stuff him in the refrigerator ;D
After you take out the giraffe.
Here is a seasonal question for you all.
What kind of food do you... throw away the outside, cook the inside, then eat the outside and throw away the inside?
corn on the cob?
Sounds right to me. That's Wilma, always on the ball.
:)
4th grade mentality
Whatever mentality>... corn it is! You win a free weekend with the elephant or giraffe of your choosing.
This one is not a joke, but I'll bet the good country folk will know. Someone had a dozen eggs, took out 4 and hard boiled them. The phone rang, and the person put the boiled eggs back in the egg box with the others, and grabbed the phone. Later that person needed an egg. How can you tell which is which without damaging the eggs?
Being completely solid, the hard-boiled eggs will spin easier and longer on a flat surface than will raw eggs, since raw eggs are liquid inside and tend to fight the spinning motion.
That's a big 10-4! I learned that in 4-H, many, many moons ago.
What did Kermit order when he finally went to Lila's?....A burger, french flies and a diet croak.
LOL! That's great! It's making me hungry!
;D
One day a man walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head.
The doctor in amazement jumps up and says:
"Good grief, how on earth did you get that great ugly thing!"
The frog looks down and replies:
"I dunno Doc, it started out as a little wart on my bottom!"
b-o-o-o-o!
Why did the life guard make all the elephants leave the Howard pool?
Because they refused to keep their trunks up.
Here's one for Rudy:
Employment Standards determined a small woodworking shop owner was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's Jake my finisher who's been with me for 3 years, I pay him $900 a week.
The apprentice Tom has been here for 6 months, and I pay him $500 a week.
Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a case of beer every Friday," replied the owner.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent."
The owner says, "That would be me."
Quote from: Diane Amberg on August 01, 2007, 02:30:14 PM
After you take out the giraffe.
Here is a seasonal question for you all.
What kind of food do you... throw away the outside, cook the inside, then eat the outside and throw away the inside?
My son says, "chicken, cause you take off the feathers and then cook it and eat it and throw away the bones."
I like his answer better than mine! :D :D :D :D
< nod, nod >
Amber, that is one bright child you have there!
:)
How do elephants communicate?
By elephone.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
Why did the ostrich cross the road?
The chicken had the day off.
remember why the chicken crossed the road????
ANSWER: To show the armadillo it could be done
Right!!!
Those poor armadillos have just a horrible reputation. I still have not seen one in Kansas, but I am assured that they are here. I imagine they must be one heck of a surprise for a poor Kansas dog that never saw one before.
;)
most of the ones I have seen are belly up along the highway. Have seen a couple live ones and they are a nasty looking animal. Have friends that have them in their yards and they can completely ruin a lawn and flower garden.
Yes, I think your analysis is correct, Flo. They don't tend to be very bright, but they can be mean. I can tell you, though, from experience in Texas, that those shells won't deflect rifle bullets.
;)
The live one I saw at night was near Longton.
Why did the frog cross the road?
to see what the ostrich was doing over there.
I would guess that we are only 100 or 150 mile North of Elk County. That may be enough that they didn't make it up here yet. They have seen a lot of them in Wichita, I understand. They tend to get dead in large numbers on the road. A hundred years or so is not enough for armadillos to understand about cars. All they see is that a big flat thing like a road is pretty easy to walk on, compared to the brush at the side of the road. I can tell you though, you know when you have run over one at speed.
;)
Old fashioned comedy is still the best.
Thanks! That was great. Two of my favorites.
Where did the pig's grandparents live?
Wallow, Wallow Washington
Ha Ha Ha!!! Love it!!!
I thought you might!
What do giant blue whales like to eat?
Fish and ships
Andy has one for you....
What is purple and dangerous?
A grape with a gun.
By golly, he's got it! That's great! Here's another one.
What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish.
Mom got him a kid's joke book. That one was his favorite. His own jokes are still really wacky. :)
What is blue, silly and wet?
A blueberry at the waterpark.
~Andy
My daughter Natalie, who just turned 4 has a contribution as well....
What is green and funny and purple and laughing?
Zach and Weezy (a two headed dragon on the cartoon 'Dragon Tales')
Those are cute too!! ;D
Here is a cute bumper sticker-------
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some of you are really pushing it.
Hey, Jody --- if you find one of those in Towne East -- buy it and mail it to me
hugs
Jo
Jody, I like that.
;D
I had a sick-on sign in my back window for several years that said "51% SWEETHEART, 49% BITCH, don't press your luck" It finally wore out. :'(
I used to have a poster (that I never displayed, but had in my files) that said....."I can go from 0 to Bitch in 0.2 seconds!" I don't live that---or at least try not to----anymore. ( I am asking for forgiveness just putting it on here.) But Flo's bumpersticker just reminded me. Sorry if I offended anyone.
I have a t-shirt that is one of my favorites..
51% Good Witch
49% Bad Witch...
Don't Push It!
cute... My old favorite, " I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun."
Quote from: Teresa on August 06, 2007, 10:01:48 AM
I have a t-shirt that is one of my favorites..
51% Good Witch
40% Bad Witch...
Don't Push It!
I changed that 9%... LOL)
Just curious....
What's the other 9 percent?
;D
Queen, of course! ;)
What has 4 legs, a trunk and lots of keys?.
A piano in a tree.
I have a sign in my office my kids got me quite a few years ago:
Danger
I'm busy
I'm bothered
and I bite!
Now that is just what the Newark Charter School secretary needs in her office. ;D ;D ;D
If a frog breaks his leg, how does he feel? unhoppy.
Okey, dokey, then I've been unhoppy!
That kewt!
;D
Why do frogs like mysteries? It's all that croak and dagger stuff.
LOL! You're cracking me up!
( or croaking me up? )
During finals my freshman year of college, I had a T-shirt made that said, "Caution - Contents Under Pressure".
That's a good one too.
Here is the last of the warped medical terminology
Outpatient....A person who has fainted.
Post-operative....A letter carrier.
Protein...In favor of young people.
Secretion...Hiding anything.
Serology... The study of British knighthood.
Tablet...A small table.
Tumor...An extra pair
Urine...Opposite of you're out.
Varicose veins...Veins which are very close together.
What are shinbones? Devices for finding furniture in the dark.
When I was younger, I used to find furniture that way.
Now, though, since my brain cannot receive any information about where my feet are, I have quit finding furniture this way. All I can find in the dark now is the floor, which is usually softer than the furniture, although I do tend to find it with my face instead of my shinbones. But if I can get at least a little itty bit of light, so that I know when my legs are when I start, I can walk in the dark just fine by remembering where they are. Unless I forget, of course. Then, it's whammo!
Go figure.
;D
It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness
Don't burn your house down! ;D Use nightlights.
Grow your own dope! Plant a politician.
Hey, Kermit, I found a new doctor for you. Dr. Ann Phibian. She's from Philadelphia and specializes in Phrogs. She's a good surgeon, in case you ever need a hopperation.
What did the frog say to the server at the fancy, upscale restaurant? Waiter, there's no fly in my soup!
I'm cutting all of those and pasting them into my frog-joke file. It's amazing how many frawgy things you run across when you are one. I wonder if that works if your totem is a yak?
"The Handy Blonde"
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a near-by well to do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was already in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm beginning to believe all those 'dumb blonde jokes' we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had enough paint leftover, I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Oh, b-o-o-o!!! ;D ;D ;D That's a good one!
What day do Elk County fowl hate most?
Fry-Day
Why do people carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.
In honor of school starting soon, more third grade jokes.
When the little chick sassed his teacher at school, what happened?
It was eggspelled.
What cat should you never play checkers with?
A cheetah
Why was the broom late for school?
It overswept.
Hey, Kermit, how are you doing in all this heat? My friend Alice just can't go out at all in very hot weather.
On a lighter note, maybe you could kick out the little frogs for awhile and cool off in their tadpool. ;D
I am doing just terrible, actually. ;D
As you apparently know, there is just something about heat that gets us lucky MS folks. Life has dictated that I be out more than I should be lately, so I'm just drug out. A week after it cools down, I'll be my regular normal ornery self.
Hmmmm. I shouldn't have said that. Now y'all will want more heat. ;)
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and 6 year-olds. After explaining the commandment "Honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
I love it! ;D
This chuckle could also be posted in the "Recipe Thread" or "How Does Your Garden Grow" current discussion on recipes.
Husband Humor
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
And just to be fair:
Wife Humor
A wife went to the police station with her next door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, and athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
He that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast." =====Proverbs 15:15
These are all great! Keep 'em comin' ! ;D
What was Super Chicken's real name?
Cluck Kent
Really, Diane, do you have a book full of these? If you don't, maybe you should write one.
No book. Some I've been told over the years. Some are my own. A few I've saved from various sources. I have lots more. The kid's jokes I used at school.
Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don't work.
.
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of.
Never let a kiss fool you, or a fool kiss you.
A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.
After hearing a shot, Todd ran next door and found his friend Jason crying.
"Say, what's wrong?" Todd asked.
Jason sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog."
Todd said, "My God! Was he mad?"
Jason replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly thrilled."
Very funny ;D ;D ;D
Advice to all eaters:
If you are thin, don't eat fast.
If you are fat, don't eat. Fast!!
;D ;D ;D- and that's all I got to say about that
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel...
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel...
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools...
As smart as bait.
A room temperature IQ ;D
Hey, Kermit, what did the tree frog wear to the St. Patrick's Day parade.
Nothing!
As a frawg, I have to wear my frog suit.
What do Howard chickens do after church on Sunday?
Go on pecknics.
LOL! She really does have a million of them!
I love chicken jokes!
I love chicken songs. I have several. My favorite is a bunch of chickens clucking the song "In the Mood" with all the voices done by Ray Stevens.
What do chickens have for refreshments at birthday parties?
Coopcakes Kermit, you are one sick puppy! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Why, Diane, thank you!
;D
Hey, Kermit. If you have any frog friends in Jamaica they better hop for their lives!
They are reggae-hopping for high ground as we type.
;D
What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?
Did you ever try to peel an elephant?
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
That was horrible, Carl.
I loved it.
;D
;D ;D ;D ;D
Hey, Kermit, What is big, has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck. There's a part time job for you. You wouldn't even have to pack a lunch. It's provided as a perk of the driver's job.
I discovered when I lived there that working a garbage truck in San Francisco was not a bad deal. If a spot came open, you could buy into it for about $8-10,000. If you stayed five years, it became a full share. Then (in the 80s) you had a good chance of making $100,000 a year. The same thing was true of really good waiter positions. Life is stranger than fiction.
This something I thought of when reading Waldo's post in Everyone has a cause in the Coffee Shop.
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Pupil: HIJKLMNO.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Pupil: Yesterday, you said it was H to O.
I love it! ;D
* There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother's age.
* Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
* Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
All good ones, and all of them are the truth.
;D ;D ;D
I honor of school starting again, another "3rd grade joke"
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
She said, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."
She said, "No, I don't want to do that. I've heard that wild mushrooms are poisonous."
He said, "I don't think so. I see the critters eating them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about it for a while, Edna decided to give it a try. She got in the pickup and drove down to the pasture and picked a large basketful. She brought them back home and washed, sliced and diced them to use in her favorite smothered steak recipe. Then she went out to the porch and put a couple of handfuls in Ol' Rex's bowl. She even added some bacon grease to make them tasty for the old dog. Ol' Rex didn't slow down until he'd eaten every bite.
All morning, Edna watched Ol' Rex and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him at all, so she went ahead and served them to her company that evening.
It was an important dinner, and Edna had hired Carol, a lady from town, to come out and help her serve. She wore a white apron and a little cap on her head first class all the way ... and the meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished eating, they all moved to the living
room to relax and socialize. After about 30 minutes, Carol came in and whispered in Edna's ear, "Mrs. Brown, I'm sorry to tell you this, but Ol' Rex just died."
With this news, Edna went into hysterics! When she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I'll get there as quick as I can. We'll have to give everyone an enema and pump their stomach, but I'm sure everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long before they heard the wail of the siren as the ambulance approached. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly after.
One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everyone will be fine now. Just rest for a few more hours before you attempt to drive home," and he left.
They were all sitting in the living room, looking peaked but grateful, when Carol came in to see if they needed anything.
On her way out of the room, she stopped and said, "You know, that fellow who ran over Ol' Rex never even slowed down!"
Oh, no! ;D ;D ;D
Here's to those of you women (and understanding men) who have heard: "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?"
Well, here's an update. Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. (These are not necessarily my words or thoughts----I am just sharing what was passed on to me) So, don't shoot the messenger, OK?
1. Men are like.......Laxatives.......They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.......weather.........Nothing can be done to change them.
3. Men are like.......Blenders.........You need one, but you're not sure why.
4; Men are like.......Chocolate Bars......sweet, smooth, and they ususally head right for your hips.
5. Men are like.......Commercials........You can't believe a word they say.
6. Men are like.......Department Stores......their clothes are always half off.
7. Men are like....../Government Bondsb].......They take sooooooooooo long to mature.
8. Men are like.......Mascara............They ususally run at the first sign of emotion.
9. Men are like.......Popcorn...........They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
10. Men are like.......Lava Lamps.......Fun to look at, but not very bright.
11. Men are like.......Parking Spots....The good ones are already taken and the rest are handicapped.
This is all in fun..........Believe me, as much as I was irritated from time to time with my husband, (God rest his soul), I miss him dearly and even some of irritating things he did. So, if you can, look beyond those things, because one day your time together may not be long enough. Don't mean to lecture. Just speaking from the sense of humor and the heart.
Ah, Susan. You know I love mine. I do get irritated, but if I was to lose him, who would I get irritated with? Thanks for the chuckle. I loved it.
Yes, Susan, I totally understand what you mean and how you mean it. :)
You know you're getting older when that gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
Quote from: Janet Harrington on August 25, 2007, 08:04:01 PM
Ah, Susan. You know I love mine. I do get irritated, but if I was to lose him, who would I get irritated with? Thanks for the chuckle. I loved it.
Me..
you would get irritated at me.. ;D
Thanks for the laugh. After yesterday I needed it.
What do you call a fish with no eye.
A fsh
As we were driving on I-40 in Oklahoma we saw a Porta Potty supplier that had a sign out that said #1 in #2.
;D ;D ;D
Also saw a sign on I-10 that said: "Ice - made from scratch".
I can do that! ;D
If a row of rabbits are all walking backward, what do you have?
A receding hare line
I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead. "That," he sighed, "must be her checking out now."
It's nice to know there are still genuinely funny people out there. A couple of our neighbor kids were out in their front yard. One was practicing casting a fishing line across the yard to the other. As I passed by I yelled out, "What are you catching?" "Kevin," he yelled back. I yelled , "What are you using for bait?" "Pizza" he answered.
Did you ever eat a nice thick slice of cured ham and wonder what it had been sick with? ::)
A teacher gave her first graders a list of half-finished proverbs to complete. These are some of her results.
Strike while the: bug is close.
Don't bite the hand that: looks dirty.
An idle mind is: the best way to relax.
A penny saved is: not much.
You get out of something only what you: see in the picture on the box.
I love those! If I can ever find them, I have some third grade versions. Hilarious
I do that activity with my first graders a little bit later on in the year and also have them illustrate it. What a hoot! Also, I have them write definitions to words that are not necessarily in their everyday vocabulary. It's simply amazing what they come up with......
Please share them later when you do that activity.
Another joke ( not necessarily the entire belief of the replier) HA!
Old Love
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite, throws the kite up in the air, and the wind catches it for a few seconds before it comes crashing down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success whatsoever.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window. Muttering to herself, she thinks how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face, and says, "Make up your mind! Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"
Well, Bless my soul.... ;D ;D ;D
Oh, my gosh! ;D ;D ;D ;D
A woman's right to change their mind.
Subject: this is so true!!!
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game,
took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why
it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,"the
student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. The young people
of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on
the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric
and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, light-speed processing....and,"
pausing to take another drink of beer. The Senior took advantage of the
break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have
those things when we were young..........so we invented them. Now, you
arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?" The
applause was resounding... I love senior citizens. =============
Definitions From A Parent
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the mashed carrots.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a washrag."
Anybody who has ever been around small children will get a good laugh at these. ;)
Billy Bob and Bubba bought five raffle tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce
and extra thin spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met at the corner store.
Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob
replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you. How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I'm thinking 'bout switching back to paper."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :'( :'( :'( :'(
Maybe Bubba was blonde?
Now, Mother, that's just wrong. ;D ;D ;D
A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."
But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."
I luv it! More More More!!!! ;D ;D ;D
I'm glad I don't have any lawyers in my family! ;D ;D ;D
hahaha. That is a hoot.. ;D
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I
couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret
for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of
whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
Here I thought I burned both ends of MY candle in the middle. How funny! :D
Celibacy
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or it can be a condition
imposed by certain unintentional displays of stupidity, to wit:
While attending a marriage therapy weekend, Walter and his wife
Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know what is important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your
wife's favorite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm
gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
He deserved every bit of it. ::)
A lot of people are smarter than they look ... and they ought to be.
A lot of trouble in this world is caused by combining a narrow mind with a wide mouth.
Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech.
It is always darkest before dawn, so if you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that is the time to do it.
Don't run your mouth until your brain is in gear.
A Texas cowboy went to the dentist with a toothache.
After an examination, the dentist told the cowboy he had a tooth that had to come
out. He said, "I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be
back in just a few minutes."
The old cowboy grabbed the doc's arm and said, "No way!!! I hate needles and I ain't havin' no shot!"
The dentist said, "That's okay, we'll just go with gas instead."
The cowboy replied, "Gas makes me sick. I ain't havin' no gas either."
Without saying a word, the dentist turned and left the room for a minute
and when he came back, he handed the cowboy a glass of water and said,
"Here, take this pill."
The cowboy looked at the pill and asked, "What is it?"
The dentist replied, "Its Viagra."
The old cowboy looked surprised and asked, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replied the dentist, "but it'll give you something to hang on to while I pull that tooth."
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/172.gif)
Ahem! ;D
THE HAIR DRYER, AND HOW IT TRAVELLED.......
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday.
The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
;D ;D ~~~
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
More Kids' Finish Sayings
* We have nothing to fear but ... our principal.
* To err is human ... To eat a muskrat is not.
* I think ... therefore I get a headache.
* Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, ... and someone yells, "Shut up!"
* It's always darkest ... before 11:30 p.m.
* Early to bed and early to rise ... is first in the bathroom.
* A journey of a thousand miles begins ... with a blister.
* There is nothing new under ... the bed.
* Don't count your chickens ... it takes too long.
* The grass is always greener ... when you put manure on it.
Kids.. the most honest innocent creatures that walk upright.. hahaha
If you don't want to know the truth.. then don't ask a child. :)
Carl, I just love those. I had one of a pair of twins in my class once who had begged their father for a dog. When they came back from Christmas break, they both came bursting into the room, all excited, before class started, to tell me about the "Labrador Receiver" pup they had been given.
Quote from: Diane Amberg on September 07, 2007, 10:21:50 AM
Don't run your mouth until your brain is in gear.
Diane, where did you hear that one?? Can I get that printed on a T-Shirt, coffee mug, wall tapestry, etc.?? Better yet, can I get that tattoo'd backwards on my husbands forhead??
I honestly don't remember where I heard that one; it was long time ago. It is appropriate for a lot of people. I'm sorry your husband is one of them. ;D ;D ;D
The guys were all at deer camp.
They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Joe because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Joe and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"He said, "Joe snored so loudly, I couldn't sleep, so I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, you look awful! Was it Joe?"
He said, "Yeah, that Joe shakes the roof.You can't sleep with all that racket, so I ended up sitting and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested."Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened? You look well rested!"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over tucked Joe into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night ".
Oh, my gosh!!! ;D :o ::)
One has never encountered noise as when sleeping in a 20-man general purpose Army tent under field conditions.
Ages ranged from 18 to 60 and it seemed as if the tent flaps were constantly waving from all the loud snoring and other bodily noises during sleep from Taps to Reveille.
I would suspect, though, that the same thing was going on in the 20-woman tents.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Quanta's is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :'( :'( :'(
I enjoy this thread so much, I received some kids sayings that I wanted to add to it.
I wanted to add one that my younger son said when he was probably 4 or 5, he had said some bad words that he knew better than to repeat, Myrna washed his mouth out with soap, after he quit spitting the soap I heard him tell Myrna"now everybody is going to say I have bad breath"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.'
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'
(2)
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
(3)
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
(4)
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
(5)
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
(6)
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
I always laugh when I think of what Dustin Lanning told Patsy one evening.
He had come home form school starving and of course stopped at their place of business ( Lannings Auto) and
he ask what they were going to have for supper.
Patsy said that they were going to have the leftover roast and potato's etc.. He groaned real loud and said..
"Oh great! I'm starving and we are going to have to eat scraps!" ;D
Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband, her kids, her job, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
And the woman lived happily ever after.
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/laughingblond.gif)
Yep, she sure enough did.
Dads
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their dads.
The first boy says, "My Dad writes a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "Oh yeah? My Dad writes a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "Well, my Dad writes a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon...and it takes four people to collect all the money!"
When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. *I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?," she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Killing any?," she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
1. Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
3. Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail. With his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him--------"a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis".
4. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".
5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked as they moved away.
"Because,", he stated, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer".
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
;D ;D ;D
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Coconut
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Harry: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. (Principal was looking restless and bit tense.)
Harry: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement? Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
;D ;D ;D
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
'The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'
Now wipe that silly smile off your face.
Oh, you guys are just awful! ;D ;D ;D
AN OLD MAN WAS GROCERY SHOPPING WITH HIS GRANDSON. THE TODDLER WAS CRYING AND AT TIMES SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. AS THE OLD GENTLEMAN WALKED UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PEOPLE COULD HEAR HIM SPEAKING IN A SOFT VOICE .......
"WE ARE ALMOST DONE, ALBERT ... TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT ... LIFE WILL GET BETTER,
ALBERT..."
AS HE APPROACHED THE CHECKOUT STAND, HE CAREFULLY BRUSHED THE TODDLER'S TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAID AGAIN ... "TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT ... WE WILL BE HOME SOON, ALBERT..."
AS HE WAS PAYING THE CASHIER, THE TODDLER CONTINUED TO CRY AS A YOUNG WOMAN IN
LINE BEHIND HIM SAID ...
"SIR, I THINK IT IS WONDERFUL HOW SWEET YOU ARE BEING TO YOUR LITTLE ALBERT."
THE OLD GENTLEMAN BLINKED HIS EYES A COUPLE OF TIMES BEFORE SAYING ...
"MISS, MY GRANDSON'S NAME IS JOHN . I'M ALBERT."
A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asked him how he's feeling. The 90-year-old says, I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went, 'Bang, bang and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied ... "My point exactly."
You guys are coming up with the funniest jokes! :D :D :D
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies:
"I'd llike a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "how rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton," and the waitress storms away.
Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.........
"It's pronounced 'quiche.'"
Dear Sir:
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry."
Did you see what Myth Busters did with that one? Poor "Buster" really got busted after a number of tries. Really funny!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at a ll. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the
reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government
officials sent by the
President to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles,"
asked one official, "You
have observed the white man for 90 years. You've
seen his wars and his
technological advances You've seen his progress, and
the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official
continued, "Considering all
these events, in your opinion, where did the white
man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for
over a minute and then
calmly replied, "When white man found the land,
Indians were running it. No
taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women
did all work, medicine
man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all
night having sex." Then
the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man
dumb enough to think he
could improve system like that."
A Welsh farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a
pond.
The Welsh farmer shouted: "Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu un
a for."
Which means: "Don't drink the water the cows have sh** in it."
The man shouts back: "I'm an Iranian Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in
English."
The Welsh farmer says: "Use two hands, it holds more"!!!
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Once Al feels a little better and it doesn't hurt to laugh, I'm going to set him down in a padded chair and let him read all the funny stories and jokes. Very uplifting. ;D
Gettin' ready for hurricane season...
Got your FEMA Gold Ticket yet?
I was gettin' ready to call FEMA to get mine...
then I noticed the fine print
WHAM
The man asked a woman driver if she would push his car to start it. "With this newfangled tranmission, it won't start unless you're going 30 miles an hour," he explained, hopped in behing in behind his steering wheel. It was raining, foggy, and dark; and after he'd waited a minute or two, he stuck his head out and looked back --- sure enough, there she was . . . . almost up to his car, and coming at 30 miles an hour.
STAY
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out in the back seat, and I wanted to impress on her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay.....Do you hear me?.......Stay!... Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am blonde, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. 8)
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!! ;D
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
Morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
About something
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing
With his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
Field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began
To eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a
Sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back
Of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
Rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would
Listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
Approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
Disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer
About it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and
Asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook
His head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something
About how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
Head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
The difference between a "fine watchdog" and a "ferocious beast" depends entirely upon which side of the fence you are on.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If people were taught by dogs, we'd learn stuff like:
**When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
**Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
**Take naps and stretch before rising.
**Avoid biting when a simple growl will do
**No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
**Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
**Be loyal.
**If you want what lies buried, dig until you find it.
**When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
This is so true. However, I'm glad you didn't include butt sniffing. :D
Gasp! DIANE!! ;D ;D
Isn't that horrible when you have someones dog kind of "on you" and you are trying to pet it and be nice and discreet..and it just keeps ..like auhmmm .. you know trying to get "close to you"..??
I had a little Poodle ( Skipper Dee) that loved to "ride" your foot if you sat with your legs crossed.
Lord, I was always so embarrassed when friends would come over. I would see him walk over by their swinging leg and I KNEW what he was going to do.. so I would try to jump up and grab him and set him in my lap while they were there.
((jeese ::) )
LOLOLOL!!!!
We had a little fat bodied poodle whose name started out to be muffin, but migrated into 'The Duff'. She was something else; she had a sofa pillow for a partner. One evening, my sis and Bro-in-law were visiting; hubby and I were in the kitchen fixing the vittals when I heard Buddy, (Bro-In Law) cackling! I was sooo embarrassed, I had forgotten to put the boyfriend in the closet like I usually did when my mom came to visit. Buddy was rolling with laughter when I went into the living room, he enjoyed the floor show immensely! I can identify with your plight Teresa. LOL!!!
yea.. Our Jack Russell had his stuffed bunny that was his "friend".
It didn't matter who was around.. he would go in and get his "friend" .. carry it in wherever we were and proceed to gather it up under him and "love" on it.. Much to the embarrassment of me and the total amusement of everyone else. ::)
Duff would go through pockets and purses and steal things. She loved sunglasses and kleenex. She really had a blast shopping in the Avon ladys' presentation case. She was such a fun dog---loved to discuss politics and the world situation! Our kids are very special!
The Flasher
Three older ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation,
when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies; stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
Oh, my!!! :o ;D
Sex Frogs
A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says, "SEX FROGS! Only $20 each!!! Comes with complete instructions."
The blond excitedly looks around to see if anyone is watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified.
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very, sexy nightgown. ....or better yet, nothing at all!
4, Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, nothing happens!! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any questions or problems, please call the pet store."
So the blonde calls the pet store.
The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The _ _ _ _ frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says,
"Listen to me!! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!!!!!"
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker... 'It's not talcum powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'.'
Hilarious Quotes
It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!
Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If you can't say anything nice... come sit by us.
Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his Order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair Of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear Stupid, went to the Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just Ordered three flat Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think This place is ... An auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three Pancakes, a pair of Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running Boards are 2 slices of Crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a Moment and
then Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the Customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the Flat tires, headlights And running boards, you might as well gas up!"
Bob and the Blonde
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared at the TV.
The 10:00 news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building threatening to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "Ya know, I think he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Yeah? Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building , falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and I knew he was going to jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult...I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is...Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
"
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree
Discussing things as they're said to be;
Said one to the others "Now listen, you two;
There's a certain rumor that can't be true
That man descended from our noble race.
That very idea is a disgrace.
No Monkey ever deserted his wife
Starved her babies or ruined her life,
And another thing you will never see
A monkey build a fence around a coconut tree
And let the coconuts go to waste,
Forbidding all other monkeys to taste.
Here's another thing a monkey won't do,
Go out at night and get on a stew,
And use a gun or club or knife
To take some other monkey's life.
Yes, man descended, the onery cuss--
But, brother, he didn't descend from us.
Author Unknown
THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN:
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. ______________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
______________________________________________________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing..
____________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd ba by: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
===========================================
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
Was I Adopted?
After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or
brother, Mark finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said, as she started to cry softly. "But,
it didn't work out and they brought you back."
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet.
Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever:
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sounds like a lot husbands are going to be sleeping on the divan. ;D ;D
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan. ;D
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out lookin g for work in one week."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Teresa, that joke was really the last straw. :P :D
There will be no Nativity Scene in the United State Congress, This year !
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable
Oh boo, Judy....that is so bad! ;D ;D ;D
;) I love it Judy. I'll be passing this one on. :angel:
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with."
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. So who's running lights?
The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too!
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night... Then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
Sex is a three-letter word, which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
A friend in need... Can be a real pain in the ass.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks; By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
I will never put off 'till tomorrow what I can forget about forever.
Diplomacy is that art of saying "nice doggie!"... Till you can find a rock.
It is a shame stupidity isn't painful.
Hire teenagers while they still know everything!
Happiness is an automatic weapon with a belt feed.
Fishing: a jerk on the end of a line... waiting for a jerk on the end of a line.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Thank you for not breeding.
So many stupid people, so few comets.
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
You can't drink all day long if you don't start first thing in the morning!
I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to look interested.
Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as long as I piss you off in the process.
Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as long as I piss you off in the process My favorite one. Good job......LOL.
For some strange reason I almost always keep my foot in my mouth............and what is sad is a lot of the time
I really don't know how I did that?? keep them coming Carl
Hugs and God bless
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the 'Help Hotline'. The call went through to a 'call center' in Pakistan .
I explained that I was feeling suicidal.
They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane....
Einstein's birthday
March 19 was Einstein's birthday. He would have been 128.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
Ahem! ;D ;D ;D
Ohhhh Mama.........................................
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FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!
Hi all, just wanted to send you a little invite to
join me and see if you feel the same way I feel, if so
we're all a little Red Neck and should be proud of it.
A True Redneck - this isn't your typical redneck joke that you see so many of but more of a tribute to values, decency and love of country. Please read on:
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, country, and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya' are...
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat all veterans with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend..
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.
God Bless the USA !
May the LORD bless you & yours..............
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
7:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Flowers! My favorite!
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
Excerpts From a Cat's Diary:
Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from flexing my claws on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded.
NOTE: must try this again at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware
of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies."
NOTE: Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time
;D ;D ;D
Ohhhhhh how so very true... ha ha ha ha
I don't have a dog right now, but the writer must have interviewed my old cat. It fts him perfectly.
Cannibal Restaurant
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
'Why such a price difference for the Politician?'
The cook replied,
'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of sh**, it takes all morning.'
;D
Now you're talkin' ;D ;D ::)
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = Hell no.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
You're so .... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Nebraska for $200. They brought the cow from Nebraska and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Nebraska ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said, "How did you know we got the cow in Nebraska ?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Nebraska too."
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Definition of a bed:
A workbench where tricycle motors are made.
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "Why are all those clocks here?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh," replied the man, "very interesting . . whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's clock," answered St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved only twice, telling us that Abe has told only two lies in his entire Life."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
;D
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother
what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get
a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I wouldlike a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter
to God.
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO :angel: >:( ;) ;D 8)
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Wisdom from Grandpa .....
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earn'n his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
So funny and so true! This whole thread is SO funny! Ya can't stay in a bad mood if you hunt up some of these! Keep 'em comin' friends. :) :) ;)
WHITE LIE CAKE
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this,
especially all of those who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies'
group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered the morning of the bake sale & after rummaging through
cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying
her hair, dressing, & helping her son pack for Scout camp.
When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not
time to bake another cake.'
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at
her new church & in her new community of friends. So, being inventive,
she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the
cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it
in & covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look
beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church & head for
work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda & gave her some money & specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 & to
buy the cake & bring it home.
When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake
had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone & called her Mom.
Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know!
What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, &
ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people
pointing fingers at her & talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about
the cake & would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of
a fellow church member & try to have a good time.
Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more
than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single
parent & not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa . But, having
already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South
&, to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, But
before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, 'what a
beautiful cake!'
Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say, 'Thank you, I baked it
myself.'
Alice smiled and thought to herself, 'God is good.'
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are T ickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." ::) ::) :P :P ;D ;D
The Maid asked for a raise:
The Madam was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'
Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'The Master said so.'
Madam: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?'
Maria: 'The Master did.'
Madam: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'
Maria: 'No Madam, the gardener did.'
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked,"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady."Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied."Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
;D ;D ;D ::)
Grandma Dessie lived to 104, I guess she could have said the same thing. :angel: :laugh: :laugh:
One little boy at the fire house Christmas party last Sunday was messing around with a large piece of candy cane in his mouth. When I asked what he was doing, he told me he was trying to rub the candy cane acoss his teeth so they would be striped too.
I'm am up way too early today so I took the time to read all the chuckles! Let me add a couple that I can remember.
A man going through a "midlife crisis" goes out and buys a new sports car. He takes it onto the freeway to see what it can do. He speeds up to eighty miles per hour and then to 100, and then to 120. At that point he thinks to himself how foolish he is to be driving so fast and begins to slow down. In the meantime, a state trooper sees him speeding and pulls him over. The trooper walks up to the car and tells the man, "Sir, it is Friday and I go off duty in fifteen minutes. If you can give me an excuse for speeding that I haven't heard before I won't write you a ticket." The man looks at the trooper for a minute and says, "son, my wife ran off with a state trooper many years ago and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper says, "have a nice day, sir".
Or-----
An elderly couple were concerned with their increasing short term memory loss, so they went to the Doctor. He told them that there was no "magic bullet" pill that could help them. The Doctor suggested that when they wanted to remember somrthing, to write it down to refresh their memory later. That night they were watching TV and the old man got up from his chair. His wife asked him where he was going and he told her that he was going to the kitchen for some ice cream. She asked him to bring her some and put some caramel topping and nuts on it. Then she told him to write it down so he wouldn't forget. He told her that something as simple as that didn't need to be written down. About twenty minutes later he brings her a plate with scrambled eggs and bacon. She looks at him and says------"AHA! I knew you would forget the toast"!!!!!
I am still typing with one hand so forgive me for any mistakes I didn't catch.
You are doing very well with only one hand. Better than a lot of people. Believe me, if you make a mistake, I will see it. There aren't nearly as many errors in your post that could be expected under the circumstances so I am not going to point them out. If anybody else wants to find them, they will have to do so on their own. And you wouldn't believe how many mistakes I had to go back and correct in this posting.
THESE ARE QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS SCIENCE EXAMS--
"Water is composed of two gins. Oxygen and hydrogin. Oxygen is pure gin. Hydrogen is gin and water"
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire"
"three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars"
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other"
"The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is deader"
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to a cow instead of the bull"
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places, so they look like umbrellas"
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot"
"Vacuum: A large empty space where the pope lives"
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose"
"To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow"
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial prespiration"
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium"
"For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead"
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German"
"Liter: A nest of young puppies"
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest. if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor"
Thanks for my morning giggle Carl.
;D ;D ;D LOL
Here too! I wish I had written down the ones I heard, or read, over the years. Thanks for reminding me how funny they can be.
SENIOR CITIZEN
(This one smarts a little--too realistic)
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and proud of it--
I'm the life of the party....even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin and antacid.
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.
I'm very good at telling stories.......over----and over---and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, Medicare, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds or politicians.
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, and lumpy and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like..............
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors, absolutely nothing!
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's and AARP.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts.........I just lost the key to it.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would't be sending it back to them.....
I LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!!
Sounds very familiar....yawn ;)
Sounds like some folks I know, now if I could just remember their names. Hmmmmm ::) ::)
Here is a good one for the Politically minded, who wish to understand the truth about a name: Walking Eagle.
Senator Hilary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation in upper New York State.
She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
I love it, LOL
Subject: Top 10
Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman.
#10 You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.
#7 Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.
#1 You can buy a silencer for a gun !
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 a.m. The next day at 8:45 a.m. there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The two men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
First daughter tells me that the professional bull riders suspect that the bulls are using steroids. So the bulls are going to be given blood and urine tests. My only question is, who is going to hold the bottle?
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a Grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the back hoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory." I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Pick any two teams that are natural rivals - this is funny.
A man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office and inquires about purchasing play-off tickets.
The ticket teller replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.
The following day the same man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office and inquires about purchasing Bear play-off tickets.
The ticket teller politely replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.
This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Bear ticket office inquiring about play-off tickets and the teller says none are for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.
Another week of this goes by and the man still is asking the ticket teller about Bear play-off tickets. Finally the ticket teller in a loud voice says, I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS, THERE ARE NOT ANY TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE BEARS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS.
The man replied, "I know. I drive all the way here from Green Bay just to hear you say that!"
:D :D :D
While shopping in a food
store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One
asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that,
indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel
uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she
would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took
it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." Without
blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package
of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
"The curlers are on me."
A man was dissapointed with his cheap wife when he asked her to buy some cigarettes for him while she was at the store. She brought him a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. A few days later the man was heading to the store when his wife asked him to pick up something for her. He brought her a bag of cotton and some string. Do you know what she had asked for? ;D ;D ;D :o :o
Should Children Witness Childbirth??
Good Question!
Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr. old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly respoinded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.......smack his a$$ again!"
If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
Driving With Dad
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.
'Well,' the father asked, 'did you enjoy your ride with mommy?'
'Oh yes, Daddy' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!'
Anonymous Author.......
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands and buy my wife some
jewelry.. I went into the local
Jewelry store . I was only there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity
Annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'
He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.
So I proceeded to call him 'doughnut eating Gestapo.'
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more
Tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus.
The car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper
Stickers that said, 'Obama in '08'.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor
Tells me that it's important to my health.
Dan, I love it, I need to watch for the opportunity to do that. Problem is I have never seen an OBAMA bumper sticker in Bartlesville.
Yup, Sho'Nuff, It'S A-Comin'!!!
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in El Paso, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian from Lame Deer, Montana; another is a Texas cowboy on his way to Dallas for a livestock show; and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student,newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward. "Once my people were few,"he sneers,"and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl: "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'
Mexico Drops Out
Of 2008 Summer Olympics
President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics.
He stated:
"Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, O la nadada ha salido ya del pais."
Translation:
"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."
Oh ,wow...good one! ;D
Proof Men Have Better Friends
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over,
and two said that he was still there
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.
He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
WOW, Dale, you came back with a BANG, those are good ones. My wife and I have been wondering if you were ok. Welcome back.
Frank
Thanks Frank...yeah, I'm okay. Just overloaded now. The School that I work for (Candler School of Theology) is about to move into a new school. I was "appointed" to be the move coordinator. So, my summer-task has been to coordinate the move of 150 people from this old building into the new one - assigning offices, ordering furniture, getting old offices ready for the move. We have been in this old building since 1914, so there is a LOT of junk and stuff to sort through. To add to my stress level, I have applied and been accept to Atlanta Christian College to continue my education, and I start classes on August 7th, which also is the date of the move into the new building. I am wondering how long my black hair will remain black. LOL
Thanks for asking about me. :-)
We think you resemble a young Walter Mathau in your pictures, and you even have his ability and taste regarding humor.
Frank
Walter Matthau?? :o :o
Frank!!
Even though Walter Matthau was a lovable curmudgeon who I loved in all his movies........He still had a hounddog-faced.
I have to disagree...
Dale is no Walter Mattheu..
Dale is ............................
a "Hottie"..........(http://www.your3dsource.com/malesign.gif)
;) :D
Thanks Teresa... you make me blush, big time. I am fairly certain, however, that Frank Myrna don't think of me as a "hottie." ;)
I am old enough to know a "Hottie" when I see one...And, Dale~~~~~`YOU ARE A HOTTIE !!!
Well I can tell you for sure I don't think you are a hottie, but I can't speak for Myrna.
I do like your attitude, posts and philosophy.
Well thank you Jo... I'll tell you what. Growing in Howard, I used to love to see you out and about town. I always thought you were just THE most beautiful woman!!! And you still are!
Oh My Goodness........ now I am the one blushing. Thank you, "Hottie Hot", for that nice compliment.
pa wont like it
a farm boy accidently overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy,hey willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us, i'll help ya get the wagon up later
that's mighty nice of you, willis ansered, but i dont think pa would like me to. Aw come on boy the farmer insisted
well okay,the boy finally agreed,and added but pa wont like it.
after a hearty dinner willis thanked his host ,i feel a lot better now,but i know pa is going to be real upset
don't be foolish, the neighbor said with a smile. "by the way... were is he?"
"under the wagon."
;D ;D ;D Too funny!!! LOLOL!!
An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you've been with a woman?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, 1955!?"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to spend some time with him. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time!)
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,God came to visit Eve.
" So, how
is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sunrises and sunsets
are breath-taking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but
I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me.
The middle one pushes the other
two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on
branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came
inpairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.
She felt that having only
two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this,
you know.
I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
onlyhalf of those, but I see that you are right.
I will fix it up right
away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden
of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight.
You see, all the
animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.
All
the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.
How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that
useless boob?"
;D ;D ;D ;D
Quote from: Dale Smith on July 28, 2008, 03:53:46 PM
Well thank you Jo... I'll tell you what. Growing in Howard, I used to love to see you out and about town. I always thought you were just THE most beautiful woman!!! And you still are!
Dale, you silver tongue rascal you, always swooning the young ladies. What did you tell me your degree field was, Psychology of Women?
Frank
Uhm...not to appear TOO forward...but...I always considered Walter Matthau (sp?) to be a most handsome man, especially in his later years...his face was a study in angles...no little-boy smooth planes there! I'll bet he photographed fabulously in black and white, too...his face, in later years, had lots of visual interest. Dale, if you're lucky, when you're a 'grumpier old man', you'll be able to light a room with the same fabulous smile that graced Walter's face...much in the same way as you light up the forum with your wit and wisdom. I willingly join the chorus of, "YOU's A HOTTIE!"...especially since you grew that caterpillar. ;D
Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
' Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ...
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Dale, you appear to know WAY too much about women! And, here we women thought that our secrets were safe! lol
Quick Check for Alzheimer's
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down
and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on.
Thanks Judy, that was too funny. And it worked! (At least twice, that I know of. ;) )
Don't Mess With Texas
Two New York businessmen off Broadway were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I'll bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by,
put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Texan
walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick drawl asked 'What're you fellers
sellin' here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Texan said, 'You're doing right well .. only two left!'
Yankees - (God bless them ) - should not mess with Texans.
.
Jody, I love it, what a great way to start the day. You and Fred have a great one.
Frank
He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Ever wondered what happens when
Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you,
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
Someone to hold,
Someone to love.
After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ...
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bund Le of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
Something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
Only great minds can read this ..( I could read it fast and just fine) 8)
This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed t ihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it doesn't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny
iproamtnt tihng is ta ht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The
rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is
bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are walking in the street when they come
across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering," said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they
ask her, "Well, how was it?"
"First Place", said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in
the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman and after half an hour he returns and they ask
him, "How was it?"
"First Place," answers Superman.
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest
liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked,
"Who is this Obama?" asked Pinocchio.
Judy, this can't compare with your Chuckles Postings but I thought it was a good one.
CATHOLIC GASOLINE
>>
>> Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was
>> out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of
>> gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block
>> away.
>>
>> She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
>> gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been
>> loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary
>> Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked
>> back to her car.
>>
>> She looked for something in her car that she could fill
>> with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always
>> resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it
>> with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
>>
>> As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists
>> watched from across the street.
>>
>> One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts,
>> I'm turning Catholic.
>>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
____________________________________________________________
I like that Frank........I did laugh OUT loud.
Thanks
Judy, I liked this one other than not liking a word or two in it.
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual, and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every (4) letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.....'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad
in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put
; in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday
night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two
o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty,
and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting
by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it
off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my
boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take
off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes
in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands,
he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired !'
Dale, I have a neighbor that is from Kansas. She happens to be a Transexual. I just showed it to her. I guarantee that joke will be flying around hundreds of computers in San Francisco tonight. I can not stop laughing.
David
Oh my heavenly days! :o :laugh:
Quote from: dnalexander on August 05, 2008, 04:18:42 PM
Dale, I have a neighbor that is from Kansas. She happens to be a Transexual. I just showed it to her. I guarantee that joke will be flying around hundreds of computers in San Francisco tonight. I can not stop laughing.
David
David, We have a student, here at the Seminary, that is transexual. She actually sent me this joke. LOL
I have seen this before and got it again today as an e-mail. I could see some of the guys I grew up with pulling this. Frank Only a person in Texas could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Spring , Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry
summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes As some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out
and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had
consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
***********************************************************************
LOL... thanks Frank. That was great.
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful th ey were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid si licone drink for single women . Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
;D ;D ;D I think I tore something ;D ;D ;D
Two Little Boys
After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys
a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.
'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'
New Bumper Sticker:
A TAXPAYER VOTING FOR BARACK OBAMA IS LIKE A CHICKEN VOTING FOR COLONEL SANDERS
Oh My Gosh !!! What a hoot.
Thanks for the grin, Frank.
Jo
Baptist Cowboy
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of MILLER LIGHT . He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
DONT LEVE EM' HANGIN
ralph and edna were both patients in a mental hospital.One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.he sank to the bottom and stayed there.edna promptly jumped in to save him, she swam to the bottom and pulled him out. when the head nurse became aware of edna's heroic action's she immediatly ordered she be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.when she went to tell edna the new's she said," edna i have good and bad new's for you.the good new's is that your'e being discharged; since you were able to rational to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient,i have concluded that your act display's sound mindedness. THe bad new's is that Ralph the the patient you saved,hung himself with a bathrobe belt in the bathroom.i am sorry but, Ralph is dead."
Edna replied,"he didn't hang himself.I put him thier to dry.How soon can i go home?"
doesn't that sound just right ????? :laugh: :o
SMART PILL'S
One day 2 boy's were walking through the wood's and they saw some rabbitt turd's.One of the boy's said "what is that?"
"There smart pill's."said the other boy"eat them and they'll make you smarter."
so he ate them and said " they taste like crap."
"see," said the boy, "your'e getting smarter already." lol
New Bumper Sticker I saw today:
THE ONLY PLACE DEMOCRATS WANT TO DRILL
YOUR WALLET
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v281/veggiegirl8101/20070615175054.jpg)
uh-oh i i think we have a political fued eeeeeeshhh
3 Kids Fishing
Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the
parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing
and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3
kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland
Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there
on my special Senator's airplane.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike
Air Jordan 's shoes.'
Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even
have Michael Jordan sign them!'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'
Barak was a little perplexed by this and said,
'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out
I saved your ass from drowning!'
>> ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
>>
>> BLESS ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED. I HAVE BEEN WITH A LOOSE
>>GIRL'.
>>
>>
>> The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Parisi?
>> 'Yes, Father, it is.'
>>
>> 'And who was the girl you were with?'
>>
>> 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
>>
>> Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
>>may
>> as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
>>
>> 'I cannot say.
>>
>> 'Was it Teresa Volpe?
>>
>> 'I'll never tell.
>>
>> 'Was it Nina Capelli?
>>
>> 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.
>>
>> 'Was it Cathy Piriano?
>>
>> 'My lips are sealed.
>>
>> 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
>>
>> 'Please , Father, I cannot tell you.
>>
>> The priest sighs in frustration.' You're very tight lipped, Joey
>> Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
>>You
>> cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
>> yourself.'
>>
>> Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
>> whispers, 'What'd you get?'
>>
>> "Four months' vacation and five good leads!!"
Lol, that's funny :laugh: :laugh:
JUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE IN RARE FORM TODAY.
Frank
How to save the Goverment ( YOU) 5 Million Dollars
A President's pension currently is $191,300 per year.
Assuming the next president lives to age 80. Sen. McCain would receive ZERO pension as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president. Sen. Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms and would receive $4,973,800 in pension.
Therefore it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November.
How's that for non-partisan thinking???
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.
Three little boys were sitting pondering why no one wanted to be on their ball team. They finally decided it was probably because none of them had been baptized so off they go in search of a preacher to baptize them. The first church they came to they entered and seen the man. They relayed their problem to him and asked if he would baptize them, not knowing that the man was the janitor. He replied of course he would and one by one dunked each boy's head in the stool. After they left the church one asked wonder what religion they were now. First one said not Methodist, cause they just sprinkle some water on your head. Second boy said not Baptist cause they dunk your whole body in the water. Third one said he was sure they was Episcapailian and the others wanted to know why he thought that. He replied, I'm sure cause did you get a whiff of that water he used?
Leroy and Letia go to a revival and listen to the preacher.
After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you.'
Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy..
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'
Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday!
Quote from: Dale Smith on August 12, 2008, 03:54:33 PM
Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
Dale very funny! :D :D :D
Potentially I would consider sleeping with Brad Pitt if I got paid a million dollars. If I invested wisely in the stock market and potentially turned that million in to 100 million I might potentially be able to convince Angelina Jolie to have a fling with me. Realistically I realize that is just a fantasy and I will find someone better. Be Realistic, but don't stop dreaming.
DNA
David, if you are going to dream, then dream big. ;)
VEDIL WORSHIPPER
Did you hear about the dyslerxic devil worshipper ???
he sold his soul to santa. ;D
Heather very good. That is short, sweet, simple and funny.
DNA
;D ;D ;D !!!
Military Humor
Great pictures Carl,
I really like the new stealth fighter!
And who knows there might be one sooner or later.
The German Shepard is about perfect.
Thanks!
well i dont know i think you ight wana thank larry the cable guy for that that one lol ..... actouly i get them off of comedy central.com
I love the young military's sense of humor. It's very reassuring. :D
I had these in a folder and was going to post them too..
Glad you did it..
I loved hem . Still chuckle every time I look at that German Shepard.. haha
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v239/BobHAJ/darwinawards.jpg)
A man owned a small farm in Wisconsin.
The Wisconsin State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,' says the agent.
'You already are,' replied the farmer.
;D
((Isn't that the truth?? LOL
Teresa))
*A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and
told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for
her fourth wedding.
Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type
and color dress are you looking for?'
The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, Please don't take
this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more
appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for
those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?
Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's
directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite
appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I
remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he
died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the
limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding
annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'
What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.
'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, and every night for
four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how
good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'
JO, good Chuckle to start the day on.
Frank
Democrats are more ethical
I believe the Democrats have suddenly developed a keen sense of morality. John Edwards has been banned from making a speech at the Democratic Convention for having an affair and lying about it.
In his place Bill Clinton will be speaking.
Another good chuckle to start the day.
I think Edwards has set himself up for another future scandal.
The way I understand it is the baby's birth certificate was left blank under "father."
Edwards denies being the father and further says he is quite willing to undergo tests to determine paternity, etc.
His partner, though, says she will not allow any tests on her baby (does anyone sense a setup here).
Andrew Young has supposedly taken the fall for being the father but there are a lot questions remaining about payments made to her after she left the campaign staff, etc .
Sooner or later, someone is going to obtain a DNA sample by hook or crook and Edwards will probably have to again explain himself.
By this time, it will probably not matter except to further implode Edwards honesty and integrity.
This news just in:
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.
A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that
while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/46.gif)
Behind the scene photos at the Demoncratic Party. (Purely satire) ;)
(http://amysrobot.com/files/ukraine_fight.JPG)
(http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/2007/08/boliviafight_450x300.jpg)
(http://www.tonyskansascity.com/tonyskansascity/doggunnotextsm.jpg) Bill dog sitting Little Barry.
Now David, you know hat that cannot be from the Democratic convention; these photos are all old white guys! Probably oil men! LOL!! :D :D
Unless I'm much mistaken, that looks like a Peruvian poncho (or whatever they call them over there) in that one picture...too funny, by the way, David...where did you find these? They're a hoot!
If I remember correctly, Peru is a bit southeast of you. I assumed that the photo was just the usual city council meeting. ;D
I thought this story came from the Democratic National Covention when I first saw the picture. :laugh: I can't wait for the Republican Convention so I can get some new material.
(http://www.popular-pics.com/PPImages/Tomato-Fight.jpg)
Revellers paint Spanish town red in annual tomato fight
5 hours ago
BUNOL, Spain (AFP) — Tens of thousands of people from around the world hurled tons of ripe tomatoes at each other Wednesday in an annual food fight that leaves the eastern Spanish town of Bunol covered in red juice.
A rocket fired from the town hall was the cue for start of the event for which local authorities provided 120 tonnes of tomatoes.
Many revellers, including many from Britain, France, Germany, Russia and Asia, wore hard hats, goggles or protective plastic sheets.
Shopkeepers put up huge plastic covers on their storefronts to protect their properties from the sea of red mush.
An estimated 40,000 people took part in the event this year, more than four times the population of the town located in a fertile region some 40 kilometres (25 miles) north of the coastal city of Valencia, Spain's third-largest city.
Spain's Olympic men's water polo team, which finished in fifth place at the Games in China, were among the participants, according to the town council.
After a battle lasting about one hour, municipal workers and local residents used giant hoses to clear the streets of tomato pulp.
The participants meanwhile headed to a nearby river where hundreds of temporary showers were set up.
The "Tomatina" is held each year on the last Wednesday in August. The origins of the event are unclear although it is thought to have its roots in a food fight between childhood friends in the mid-1940s in Bunol.
LOL :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Quote from: sixdogsmom on August 26, 2008, 07:36:32 PM
Now David, you know that cannot be from the Democratic convention; these photos are all old white guys! Probably oil men! LOL!! :D :D
Very funny response. ;D(Take it easy on the oil men though) Maybe you can help me with my comedy act. Sometimes the politicians just make it too easy, other times you have to use photos of the Peruvian Parliament, Ukrainian Parliament, and Bill Clinton dog sitting Barack's dog to complete the joke.. I promise you if the opportunity presents I will post similar stuff once the Republican Convention starts.
Plus I see from the calendar you are having a Birthday. Happy Birthday SDM.
David
Thank you David, I plan to celebrate it with a political convention in Minnesota! ;D ;D
Sears catalog
Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
The second one replies "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the
Hypnotist exclaimed, 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a
very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting:
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the
floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'Crap' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Choke! ;D ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D
There is a site that says hypnotism has successfully been used as a treatment for irritable bowel syndrome.
For whatever reason, has anyone on this forum ever been hypnotized? I have not.
What a sale! :D
Kansas Technology 101
>
> After having dug to a depth of 10 yards
> last year, New York scientists found traces
> of copper wire dating back 100 years
> and came to the conclusion that their New
> York ancestors already had a telephone
> network more than 100 years ago.
>
> Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the
> weeks that followed, California scientists dug
> to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines
> in the LA Times newspaper read:
> ' California archaeologists have found
> traces of 200 year old copper wire and have
> concluded that their ancestors already had an
> advanced high-tech communications network
> a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
>
> One week later, the 'Ness County News,'
> a local news paper in Ness City , Ks.,
> reported the following:
>
> 'After digging as deep as 30 yards in wheat
> fields near Beeler , KS , Larry the Cable Guy, a self-
> taught archaeologist and dyed-in-the-wool Jayhawks
> fan, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
> Larry has therefore concluded that 300 years
> ago, Kansas had already gone wireless.'
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, 'You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.'
Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, 'You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.'
Stunned, the man leaves Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives
home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, 'What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!'
'Ha!' snorts the man. 'If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour.'
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also. :'(
Subject: My Kind Of Grandma
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC.
There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
Now, that's my type of Granny!!!!!!!!!!!! Huh. Must be related to Teresa! ;D :D
Quote from: Catwoman on September 19, 2008, 03:36:03 PM
Now, that's my type of Granny!!!!!!!!!!!! Huh. Must be related to Teresa! ;D :D
That is exactly what I thought, then I thought that could be Jo McDonald in a few years. That is meant as a compliment to both of you, Teresa and Jo.
Quote from: frawin on September 19, 2008, 03:47:50 PM
Quote from: Catwoman on September 19, 2008, 03:36:03 PM
Now, that's my type of Granny!!!!!!!!!!!! Huh. Must be related to Teresa! ;D :D
That is exactly what I thought, then I thought that could be Jo McDonald in a few years. That is meant as a compliment to both of you, Teresa and Jo.
Taken as such.. Thank you.. :D :D
(http://i295.photobucket.com/albums/mm142/sunrise131/smileys/smiley-clapping5.gif)
GO GRANNY GO
You know that Granny might have been Flo. That is a compliment as far as I am concerned.
Frank
thank you for that compliment, Frank, and I would have been inclined to do the same thing with my umbrella ;D (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v77/tina3031/SMILIES%20n%20BLINKIES/july4_7.gif)
Sometimes it pays to be old
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-- fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No.'
Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . '
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'
ooooooo I Luuvvve those Granny jokes.
Flo, Teresa and I can run with the big dogs on those. ;D ;D ;D
Jo
Well, don't leave us hanging on tenterhooks...bring on the jokes! ;D
Yes, please we've stretched enough. I need a good laugh tonight.
This has been around, but for those of you who didn't see it, it's
hysterical.
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed
to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer!
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My n ose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bol d vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Ju dge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
OHMIGAWD...ROTFLMRO.
WOW! ;D ;D ;D
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/swine.gif)
That will have me chuckling for quite some time..
Ed and Dorothy met while on an extended vacation and Ed fell head over heels in 'like' with her.
But after a couple of weeks, wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.
And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
"It's only fair to warn you that I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his new-found lady friend, "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's
going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Since we're being totally honest with each other, here goes....you need to know that I'm a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied.
Looking down at the table, he was quiet for a moment, deep in thought.
Then he continued, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
onwhere she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is Ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, during her period or if she is menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his chest while he is on fire.
LOL.....LOL ;D
An elderly couple, Linda and Bob, moved to the country. Bob always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Linda looked him over. "Nope.'
Frustrated, Bob stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Linda, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?!"
Linda looked up and exclaimed, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, Bob yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Linda?"
"Nope," she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
Without changing her expression, Linda replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. Shoulda bought a hat."
LOL!
The PASTOR'S CAT...
This particular story just made me laugh.
Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat
just amuses me to no end. Hope the story leaves a bright
spot in your day.
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story
about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that
climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to
come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The
kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough
to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to
his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could
then reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.
He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent
sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved
the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree
went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the
air - out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over
the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little
kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed,
"Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went
on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store,
and met one of his church members. He happened to look
into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This
woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her,
"Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how
her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept
refusing.
Then a few days before, the child had begged
again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if
God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the
pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her
knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't
believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten
suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws
outspread, and landed right in front of her."
Lesson learned: Never underestimate the
Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home,
he spent the weekend partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night,
his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a few of hours of swearing and screaming,
his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up,
smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and
he could see her just a little out of the corner of his left eye.
The wife's graveside service had just barely finished, when there
was a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of
thunder, shaking the earth like an earthquake, accompanied by more
heavy thunder rumbling in the distance for several minutes.
The husband, a little old man, looked up at the sky, then turned to
the pastor and calmly said "Well, she's there."
Investment tips for 2009
With the turmoil in the market today, the bankruptcy of Lehman Bros. and acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, etc., this might be the time to share some good advice.
For those of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations later this year:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
The Silent Fart
An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband, 'I just let out a long silent fart What do you think I should do?'
He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility..
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life .'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. THE END
JUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The one thing that irritates us the most about other people, is the one thing that we dislike most about ourselves. "
One of the conclusions made in the most extensive research studies ever done why people irritate us.
Hard to admit that the people you find annoying are more like you than either of you would care to admit.
(My comment) David
WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN!!!!
HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.
HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humour)
She Has Destroyed My Fishing Pleasure
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/04.jpg)
Bush Endorses McCain\Palin on Saturday Night Live
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/update-thursday-bush-endorsement/783981/
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/update-thursday-bush-endorsement/783981/
Quote from: Judy Harder on October 23, 2008, 07:51:20 AM
WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN!!!!
HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.
HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humour)
My favorite has always been..."I never date outside my species."
PA SLEEPS NAKED
"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!"
"He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."
"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
How funny! You had me laughing out loud and even snorting through my nose.
Oh Dear, Can I see that in my mind............Thanks I needed that.
Been a lonesome day so far........and I don't see it ending any time soon. May need to
crawl into a book, soon.
Hugs, God bless
Judy
A senior citizen's group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City.
As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says "I've just been molested!
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.
The driver starts to think he may have a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away".
Is that why the Elk County people love to go on the annual bus trip...........
Hum, wonder just what does go on when they travel.
They all come back with smiles on their lips and tell us all the fun they had.
Good one Teresa, thanks.
J
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
this is for all who have ever had or helped with a colon test. I really believe this guy went through the process!
Enjoy
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed a me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard During the Bush/Obama Meeting
10. You sure you want this job?
9. Actually, sir, I do mind if you call me "Barack-odile Dundee."
8. Let me know if you want the Secret Service to frisk you for fun.
7. I appreciate the offer, but you can take the spittoons with you.
6. Honest opinion: would it be a mistake to pardon Amy Winehouse?
5. Is that Roger Clinton sleeping on the sofa?
4. The red phone is for talking to world leaders, the blue phone is for ordering Domino's.
3. When there's a big crisis, you might be here as late as 4 pm.
2. Other than the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, the deficit, the crumbling infrastructure, our energy policy, Gitmo
and global warming, is there anything else I need to fix?
1. When can you start?
TOP TEN Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
License plates Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet!
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
I'm just driving this way to get you mad.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
Playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" The bird's' vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook his finger at the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blond e jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One for the ladies:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma.'
And they say blondes are dumb..
--------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men
------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.
The guy obeys and says, 99!
The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again,while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'
Again, the guy says, '99.'
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'
The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'...
That is funny Carl.....thank you for the giggle this morning.
I needed it.
My Holiday blues are crashing down on me and just about to swamp me.......so I look for all the comfort I can find.
God Bless
;D ;D I'll pass that one Carl... LOL
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D
I bet it wasn't an entire day.
QuoteI bet it wasn't an entire day
Truly said by a man!!!
FARM KIDS
A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks
if he has done his chores.
''Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little
ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
''How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have
any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
''Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't
get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon
for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any
milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across
the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell
him or should I?''
Here is some important stock market info a friend sent to me, so I thought I'd pass it along......
Normally I avoid giving any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.
You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. It's a tough market out there. Be very careful
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.' On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'
This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada 'POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land. 'POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
I like it !!!!
Update on Cinderella
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly- her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent such fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful ~the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella,
enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned-in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry you had Me neutered...'
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
'I'd like some raisin bread please,' the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, 'Is it raisin for you too?'
'No,' stammers the old man, 'but it's a quiverin'...'
;D winter temps ;D
60 above zero:Floridians turn up heat
Kansas'ns: Plant gardens
50 above zero
Californian's: shiver uncontrollablly
Kansas'ns:Sunbathe
40 above zero
Italians & english's cars wont start
Kansas: roll their window down
32 above zero
Distillied water freezes
kansas: water get's thicker
20 above zero
Floridains don coats,thermal underwear,gloves,wool hats
Kansas: peole throw on thermal shirts
15 above zero
New York landlord finally turn up heat
Kansas: People have the last cookout before it get's cold
zero degrees
People in miami all die
Kansas: people close windows
25 below
Hollywood disenigrates
Kansas: Girlscout's go door-to-door selling cookies
40 below
Washington runs out of hot air
Kansas: let there dog's sleep inside
100 below
Santa abandons the north pole
kansas: people get upset cuz' the y can't start their mini-vans
460 below
All atomic motion stops(absolute nothing on kelvin scale) :o
Kansas people start sayin .....cold'nuff fer ya
500 below
hell freezes over
Ks. public schools have a 2 hour delay....... I thought it would get a chuckle got one out of me lol 8)
:D :D :D :D :D
Yes, and it's just about been cold enough!
I found that And, I figured you guy's would love it :)
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
A woman multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
Why is this important for every man to know?
Because if you give her any crap, you need be ready to receive a ton of __it
in return.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Good one!!
Isn't that the truth. ::)
My husband said, "Whatcha doin today?"
I said, "Nothing."
He said, "You did that yesterday!"
I said, "I wasn't finished!!!!!!!"
LOL...feeling your oats today? ;D
Christmas Carols For the Mentally Disturbed
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
LOLLLLLLLLL that is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"It was autumn, and Indians on remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be was a cold or mild. Since he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!""
--
Grandma Test........
I was out walking with my four-year old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my granddaughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs." I replied.
At this point my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked: "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it or they don't let you be a Grandma."
We walked along in silence for a few minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh. . . I get it!" she beamed. "So, if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa."
"Exactly." I replied with a big smile on my face.
When you're finished laughing, send this to another Grandma or Grandpa!!
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10 sometimes 15 minutes late But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their 'Older Person Friendly' policies.
One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. 'Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.'
'Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.'
'Well good, you are a team player.
That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?'
'They said, "Good morning, General.
Coffee this morning,
Sir?''
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
Important Notice:
DUE TO RECENT BUDGET CUTS,
AND THE RISING COST OF ELECTRICITY, GAS AND OIL,
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.
WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE
Sincerely,
Your Government
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove
it to you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out
of the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the
dollar, the game's over!'
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/growup.jpg)
Here's the reply the teacher received the following day
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith
Three Holy Men and a Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
*Ol' Spot*
A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like many women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."
She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.
She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.
Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.
After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
EYE LAUGH
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog. :)
Friend sent me this :)
These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word
for word, taken down and now published by court reporters
that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo .
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _______________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
__ __________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr.
Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: ::)
Why we love children??
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up
and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst
into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years
old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?Yes,' I answered and continued writing the
report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's
right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie
my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he
asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on
my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitab le barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
Alittle girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.''And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
Whilewalking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his
collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial
should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of
the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of
what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in
between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . ..
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000..00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, Feeling Better?
BOY SITTING ON TOILET.
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG,
SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH
HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD
WITH HIS RIGHT HAND....
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN
IN HERE FOR AWHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY'
YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES...
BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS:
"WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
Very cute! ;D ;D ;D
Here's the newest version - enjoy!
Hope you have a good laugh...
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring..
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2.. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3 I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
AVOIDING A TAX AUDIT!
One way to look at it--all a matter of perception!
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute;
then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
A Montana rancher got into his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is yer Mother here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
THE IRISH PRIESTAn Irish priest was transferred to **Texas**....
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a finespring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to thewindow of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautifulday outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying deadin the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station .
Theconversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I helpyou?"
"And the best of the day to yerself . This is FatherO'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackasslying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as tosend a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit,replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always myimpression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; butwe are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
==========================
======================
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/emotions/laughing-2.jpg)
Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church ,
and Pastor Sven is the minister of the
Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
One day they
were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT
NOW BAFOR IT'S
TOO LATE!
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,
"Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...
Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks,
"Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say,
Bridge Out?
I received this one and wanted to share. Larryj
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be
President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a
water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you
the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another
gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never
stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut,
blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.. You can open all
your own jars.. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be
your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are
unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its
original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You
only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes --
one color for all seasons . You can wear shorts no matter how your legs
look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of
choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
reading it
Grrrr!, ::) ;D ;D ;D
To (My Bank)
Dear Sirs:
To my Bank;
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at
the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one
of my checks is returned marked "insufficient funds ,"how
do I know whether that refers to *me* or to *you*?
Sincerely ~ ___________
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Quote from: Jo McDonald on April 23, 2009, 02:58:02 PM
To (My Bank)
Dear Sirs:
To my Bank;
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at
the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one
of my checks is returned marked "insufficient funds ,"how
do I know whether that refers to *me* or to *you*?
Sincerely ~ ___________
Very Funny. I'll add part of the letter I would write.
Per your final notice regarding my not making good on my check and the fee you charged. See I have improperly mismanaged my funds. It is in your best interest to just forget about it and lend me $1,000 dollars to dig myself out of this hole. I am poor and even if you sue me you won't be able to collect money that I don't have and will not have in the near future. I am small enough to fail and there ain't nothing you could do about it. I guess you forgot about all the money we gave to bail you out.
David
HA!!!!
An elderly man, wearing a stove pipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard, sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.
The bartender placed his drink on the bar and said, "Going to a party?"
"Yes", the man answered. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life".
"But you look like Abe Lincoln", protested the barkeep.
"That's right", replied Abe, "my last four scores were seven years ago".
*********************
Oh Boo! ;D ;D ;D
I have heard it say when pigs fly America will have a black President, Obama has been in office for a 100 days and now we have swine flu.
These classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your day
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while and was hell to clean up. Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month...
and discovered Wife knows everything.
-
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
******
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
******
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
******
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
******
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
******
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
******
A young son asked, "Dad, is it true, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
******
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
******
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
******
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.
******
Just think, if it weren't for marriage,
men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
******
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
******
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for
Wisdom to understand a man,
to Love and to forgive him,
and for patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death"
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'
asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour
and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. .
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
< B>If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time
you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs..
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!....
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake....
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!...
Send this to
all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen
Love that German bra! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Some fun entertainment.
http://fschnell.net/WordPress/?p=1094
Great guitar work, I really liked Les Paul and Mary Ford style.
Thanks Bonnie.
God bless
Ha!!! Nothing like a little tractor back beat. ;) ;D
Country Girl Goes Shopping............
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/thong.jpg)
Camel-toe?
You are one sick puppy....................... ;D
Once upon a time there was a prince who was cast under a spell. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words, three years of silence equalled three words and so on.
One day he met a beautiful princess. She had ruby lips, golden hair, and sapphire eyes. He fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say, "My darling".
But at the end of two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited three more years without speaking. But at the end of these five years he realized that he wanted to ask her to marry him as well. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place, the prince knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said-------------------------------------"Pardon?"
Larryj
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/TV_vs.jpg)
Now these would be campfire conversation pieces.. ;D
I think these are cute... Wonder if they are made or if you can buy 'em.. LOL
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/misc/weinerstick.jpg)
Quote from: Teresa on August 07, 2009, 12:38:25 PM
Now these would be campfire conversation pieces.. ;D
I think these are cute... Wonder if they are made or if you can buy 'em.. LOL
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/misc/weinerstick.jpg)
That is just too funny. :laugh:
David
I believe Micky Wunderlich could make these for anyone that wants a set. He always looking for something to build. ::)
And I am sure that he wouldn't mind making them either!!! LOL!!! ;D ;)
Ordering a Pizza in 2012 This is absolutely hilarious, but the scary part about it is that it's probably not too far away from being reality, providing Obama has his way with socialized medicine, and digitizing medical records.
Want to know how to order a pizza in 2012? Click the link and see.
Turn up the volume, listen closely and watch the pointer!
www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf
;D ;D
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/image0011.jpg)
Quote from: Teresa on August 11, 2009, 12:39:43 PM
Ordering a Pizza in 2012 This is absolutely hilarious, but the scary part about it is that it's probably not too far away from being reality, providing Obama has his way with socialized medicine, and digitizing medical records.
Want to know how to order a pizza in 2012? Click the link and see.
Turn up the volume, listen closely and watch the pointer!
www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf
George Orwell was off 28 years. ;D ;D
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/flubird.gif)
You just can't fix stupid!!
"Sure Wish Somebody Would Invent Something To Keep The Sun Out Of My Eyes."
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/37438640.jpg)
I choked on that one.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.
One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."
"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.
* * *
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
* * *
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
* *
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Libbie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Libbie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
* * *
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
* * *
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
* * *
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
* *
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
I was on my way to deposit some of my money at Lowe's Home Improvement this morning to do my part to stimulate the economy and I found myself behind this little car bearing a bumper sticker that read:
"We did it! - Obama / Biden'
Well, as luck would have it she pulled along side of me at a red light about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up. She rolled down her window and I said, "I love your bumper sticker!"
She thanked me and I quickly added, "It's good that you are taking responsibility for your mistake!"
She gave me the finger and drove off -- Humorless Bitch.
"FLU UPDATE "
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment
How I learned to mind my own business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on......
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
lol lol lol I liked that one Judy There are times when we all could use "the stick" !!!
Idle thoughts of a retiree's wandering mind during 2009:
....I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
....I had amnesia once -- or twice.
....Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
....All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
....If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
....What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
....They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
....Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
....One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
....My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
....I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
....The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
....How can there be self-help "groups"?
....Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off
....Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
....Hopefully I'll figure all this out in 2010.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly , this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining " ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil , pleas pas on to oza pepl
In support of President Obama, Buckwheat of the Little Rascals has proclaimed he has become a Muslim, and has changed his name.
He now goes by Kareem of Wheat. ;D
Alternate Perspective
Recently, in a large city in Australia ,
a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer,
do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
A middle-aged woman,
whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,
responded publicly to the question
posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active sex life,
get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.
They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas,
seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,
the Bering Sea
and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers
and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators
other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist,
they would be lining up outside the offices
of Argentinean psychoanalysts
due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention,
who wants to get close to a girl who smells
like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.
PS: We are in an age
when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.
With time, we gain weight
because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.
NOW ...
Enough of that crap. The donkey came back later
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you!
Jake, 92, and Sylvia, 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jake suggests they go in.
Jake addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jake: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jake: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jake: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jake: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jake: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jake: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jake: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Finally satisfied, Jake says to the pharmacist: "OK, we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed. Paula is naked standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know Jeff," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my breasts sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and... my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg! My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket!"
She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."
Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight honey."
Irish Virginity Test Kit
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he
could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we
call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red
paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night,
you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says,
"That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her
with the shovel.'
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the
bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.
It says: "Thank you for the picture.
Change your hairstyle.... it makes your nose look too short."
Love, Grandma
Holy Mail
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels
and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only
5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being
good.' God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give
them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said
Okay, I was just wondering..... I didn't get one either.
:angel: ;D ;)
A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Twenty dollars' she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
What's going on here people?' Asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife'. Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop. 'I didn't know'.
'Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face.'
;D
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that
was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice
to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way
I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found
I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't
have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but
just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance
Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got
a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because
it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!!
:D
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly, and somewhat masculine woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man..
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
"The principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding, is but swindling futurity on a large scale."
--Thomas Jefferson
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
::) ::) ::)
BIG GROAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :laugh: :laugh:
However, did you know that in Durango, CO, there is an old law on the books that requires there to be a church for every bar in town. When I was there many years ago, there were lots of small churches named----Church of the Holy Ground, Church of the last place to worship, Church of the Pale Horseman----the names are fictitious, but you can get the point. Most looked abandoned to me as I am sure they don't use that law anymore.
Larryj
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how
to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want
to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution
to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house
and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught
to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop
saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray
and worship."
"Thank you," said the lady.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and
praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male
talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do
you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams,
Put the beads away--our prayers have been answered!
Minnesota Luck
Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Brainerd, MN, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner.... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
HA HA HA!
What a picture!
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into DA.....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into DA trailer and I vas driving down DA road... ..
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into DA trailer and vas driving her down DA highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran DA stop sign and smacked my truck right in DA side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into DA other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after DA accident DA Highway Patrolman, he came to DA scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..
'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween DA eyes.
Den DA Patrolman, he came across DA road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now vat DA hell vould YOU say?
Ha! Good one. ;D ;D ;D
Upon reaching 65, I decided to retire. After having me under foot for a few months, my wife became very agitated with me. She suggested I go and do something to occupy my time, like join a club or get a hobby. I obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When I got home my wife asked about my day and I replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.
And, oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"You crazy old coot, where's your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"
SEX AT 82!
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82!!!
I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 73.....
so it's not far to walk home afterwards!
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/oldmen.jpg)
Tom and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Tom didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Tom hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Tom lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Tom, but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! – there sat Tom!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Tom, what in the world happened to you?'
Tom replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?!!??!!' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Tom said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.....and the bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury'!!!!!
hahahahahaha~~~ ;D
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/thong.jpg)
GHOST SEX
A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied, 'Sheeeiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.
:P :o :o
Arthritis
A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"
The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior, snapped, "It's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; drinking too much alcohol; and having a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
:P
THE KOHL's SHOPPING TRIP
(This is just too funny! This could only be true; you simply can't make this stuff up!)
Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Bonnie and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit..no flies, no smell.. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured Bonnie..'
Come on, Bonnie, let's just go...'
But Bonnie had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, 'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.. .'
She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it.
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Bonnie burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K & W Cafeteria.
They went through the serving line and sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk.
BUT not for long! As they ate, they noticed a big black woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car.. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision.. Kay and Bonnie shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement.
It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Bonnie.. 'The nerve of that woman!' Kay sympathized with Bonnie, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief.
Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Bonnie eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized the big black woman in the red gingham shirt with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:
After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.
After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Bonnie and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the big black woman with the red gingham shirt emerged, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.
Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors.................the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!
God does take care of those who do bad things! AND once in a while...He allows us to witness!
:angel:
That is great.
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
'The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'
Now wipe that silly smile off your face.
LOL
OK, that's really funny! ;D ;D ;D ;D
MEXICAN HURRICANE ALEX
A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico . Two million Mexicans die
and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the
government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to
rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army
control the riots
.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American
countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France ) is sending food and
money
.
The United States , not to be outdone, is sending two
million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
God Bless America !!!!
8)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
That one was just too good! Thanks!
Larryj
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1.. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says - something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'
Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget
;)
During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of
the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the
Liquor Store.
It is better to trust in the Lord than put confidence in man: Ps118
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Larryj
One Light Bulb at a Time
A physics teacher in high school, once told the students that while one grasshopper on the railroad tracks wouldn't slow a train very much, a billion of them would. With that thought in mind, read the following, obviously written by a good American.
Good idea .. . one light bulb at a time . . . .
Check this out. I can verify this because I was in Lowes the other day for some reason and just for the heck of it I was looking at the hose attachments. They were all made in China .
The next day I was in Ace Hardware and just for the heck of it I checked the hose
attachments there. They were made in USA . Start looking.
In our current economic situation, every little thing we buy or do affects someone else - even their job. So, after reading this email, I think this lady is on the right track. Let's get behind her!
My grandson likes Hershey's candy. I noticed, though, that it is marked made in Mexico now. I do not buy it any more.
My favorite toothpaste Colgate is made in Mexico ... now I have switched to Crest. You have to read the labels on everything.
This past weekend I was at Kroger. I needed 60 W light bulbs and Bounce dryer sheets. I was in the light bulb aisle, and right next to the GE brand I normally buy was an off-brand labeled, "Everyday Value." I picked up both types of bulbs and compared the stats -
they were the same except for the price ... The GE bulbs were more money than the Everyday Value brand but the thing that surprised me the most was the fact that GE was made in MEXICO and the Everyday Value brand was made in - get ready for this - the USA in
a company in Cleveland , Ohio .
So throw out the myth that you cannot find products you use every day that are made right here.
So on to another aisle - Bounce Dryer Sheets . .. . yep, you guessed it, bounce cost more money and is made in Canada . The Everyday Value brand was less money and MADE IN THE USA ! I did laundry yesterday and the dryer sheets performed just like the Bounce Free I have been using for years and at almost half the price!
My challenge to you is to start reading the labels when you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that is made in the USA - the job you save may be your own or your neighbors!
If you accept the challenge, pass this on to others in your address book so we can all start buying American, one light bulb at a time! Stop buying from overseas companies!
(We should have awakened a decade ago .. . .. . . . )
Let's get with the program . . . .. help our fellow Americans keep their jobs and create more jobs here in the U.S.
Welcome Monday, August 16, 2010
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing!
Agri-cows
How agri-corporations around the world would treat their cows.
NORTH AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign them to 1/10 the size of ordinary cows, producing 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoons called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
GERMAN: You have two cows, re-engineered so they'll live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad.
RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42. You count them again and learn you have 12. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
SWISS: You have 5,000 cows. None belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.
HINDU: You have two cows. You worship them.
CHINESE: You have two cows and 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who questions the numbers.
:P :-\ :P ::) 8)
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my
wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, Butthead. I was talking to the cat."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
ROTFLMBO
Why does that sound so familiar?
Larryj
>
> LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
>
> A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an
> airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?
> Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
> passenger."
>
> The little girl, who had just started to read her book,
> replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
>
> "Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about
> global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he
> smiled smugly.
>
> "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but
> let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
> the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a
> cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you
> suppose that is?"
>
> The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's
> intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
>
> To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel
> qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the
> economy, when you don't know shit?"
>
> And then she went back to reading her book.
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25 A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 12th & 13th and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men! Warn your friends to be vigilant.
As an aside; Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in
three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
This is actually a sculpture from Australia from a couple of years ago. It's still funny!
Got this from an old UGA college chum of mine:
Happy Dicks was a linebacker at Georgia in the mid 60's, which will make
this article about the journalist from Georgia, the late, Lewis Grizzard,
'68, that much funnier.
On the eve of the Georgia - South Carolina game 41 years ago, I was
hanging out with three Sigma Pi brothers (the Hound, Tex , and Bake),
drinking a few cold PBRs at the old Callaway Gardens Apartment on the
Atlanta Highway. We were discussing the upcoming game against the
Gamecocks and lamenting the fact that we were going in with several key
players out with injuries, including our starting DefenseEnd, Billy Payne (who ran
the Atlanta Olympics and is now Ch. of the Board at Augusta National ) and
his roommate, MiddleLineBacker, Happy Dicks.
About 10:00 that night, another fraternity brother, Lewis Grizzard, came
in after he got off work. Our buddy was inactive at the time because he
had gotten married over the summer to his high school sweetheart, Nancy
(the first of many--all with the same name--Plaintiff). In addition to
taking a full load at the University, he was working two jobs to help pay
for (as he called it) "this expensive habit." A talented young man, he was
writing two columns daily - one in the morning for the Athens Banner
Herald and one in the afternoon for the Athens Daily News.
Lewis walked in, went straight to the refrigerator, got a beer, plopped
down in a chair, pushed his glasses back up his nose and announced,
"Gentlemen, with any luck at all, tomorrow morning you'll witness
journalistic history. I have submitted my column and if it gets by my
editor - and there's a good chance of that happening, since he looked
drunk earlier this evening - you'll enjoy the greatest headline in the
history of sports journalism."
He refused to tell us what it was, and to be honest with you, we all
forgot about it. As Lewis went home to his lovely, young bride, the four
of us went back over to the Fraternity house to get a head start on the
weekend.
The next morning, as usual, I went straight for the Sports Section. As I
pulled it out, I could do nothing but smile, because our buddy had pulled
it off. To this day, Vince Dooley calls it his most memorable column ever
- all because of the headline, which read:
DOGS TO PLAY COCKS WITH DICKS OUT.
There's no doubt about it, it was "the greatest headline in the history of
sports journalism."
He was certainly one of a kind.... Grizzard, I mean.
--- Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex..
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen..
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you," and make the woo woo sound.
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN -- I have enough problems of my own!
;D
Finally someone that can explain computers
You've gotta read this out LOUD...
Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.
(Read this to yourself aloud - it's a must!)
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unwanted risk, then you'll have to flash the BIOS and you'll want to RAM your ROM, just quickly turn the darn thing off and run to tell your Mom!
Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives
;D ::) ;D :-* :-*
That is magnificent! Has a good beat too as the kids on Band Stand used to say.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Parenting Test
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the Wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your Bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
;D :D ;) :laugh: :laugh:
Weird Library Reference Questions
All of these situations are real and some of them were mighty embarrassing. Enjoy!
Part 1: Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.
"Do you have books here?"
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids'." (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")
"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
"I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"
"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."
"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."
"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."
:angel:
My new exercise regime.. ;D
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/block.jpg)
Not so funny, Teresa. I actually have one of these, given to me by my son and it has proved to be very beneficial and even enlightening. More importantly, by having two of these, you can sincerely say that you have walked around two blocks twice, ad infinitum.
Larryj
FOR A GOOD LAUGH......This is for the over 50 generation:
I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating". You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time of our divorce. She received her flying license shortly before our divorce was final.
Last weekend she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Because of bad weather she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee.
It was good that our kids were with me on this weekend.
The National Transportation Safety Board issued a preliminary report citing pilot error. They concluded that she was flying a single engine aircraft in Instrument Flight Rating conditions while only having obtained a Visual Flight Rating.
Luckily there was an absence of a post-crash fire, which was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.
Luckily, also, was that no one on the ground was injured.
This photograph was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
(http://i941.photobucket.com/albums/ad256/waldoegray/image00111.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: I can add a broom to that pile, Waldo. ;D
My flying days are over. I might well add mine, too.
Well.. you are not getting mine.. I have plenty of flying time left ..
and I have several models of brooms to choose from.. so stay away from mine.. if you know whats good for you.. LOL
Black Robbers
.For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (This is a true story)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall....very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know
what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they
closed. A second went by, then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about
to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." she automatically did what she was told. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and
collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take
my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going
to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should
hit the elevator button for our floor I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was
having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak.. She wanted
to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. But what would she say to these two respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob her? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the
strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed:
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
PS - Pass this around so others can enjoy!
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What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?
Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Quote from: Diane Amberg on November 22, 2010, 04:16:58 PM
What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?
Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
G-d will get you for that, Diane :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: