A group of 15-year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It
was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View
restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jennie Johnson,
that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her
and they can ride their bikes there.
Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there
was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and
if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice
boobs and wore tight pants.
Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good
and fish is good for your cholesterol.
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird
special.
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was
handicapped accessible.
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because they had never been there before.
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, "Do you Australian folk eat the Whole bread?"
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants, and sell them to Australia."
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and left-overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why, of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course." replied the American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. That's why it's called Wrigley's."
(http://www.bestoday.com.au/sick/images/WRIGLEYSGUM.jpg)
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my Daddy." He bought the 'picture mirror', but on the way home he remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' 'round with."
(http://www.fulldhamaal.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/muslim-prayer-rugs8.jpg)
A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer rugs. It's doing very well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.
People born before 1946 were called The Silent and powerful generation.
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...
(http://assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/user_photos/1189844/get-attachment.aspx_fullsize.jpeg?352183f0)
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails',
'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink!' Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of ...
Can you guess it?
... Mount and Do.
But wait! There's more....
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
This one is a little dated back before DVD's when movies were on tape.
A blonde decides to do something really wild. Something she
hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult
video. She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static", she says.
"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which
title did you rent?" the clerk asks.
"Head Cleaner."
A man woke up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof, so he looked in the yellow pages and sure enough, there was an ad for "Gorilla Removers" He called the number, and the gorilla remover said he'd be there in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrived with a van containing a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean little dog.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the little dog is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He handed the shotgun to the homeowner. Who asked, "What's the shotgun for?"
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
On the lighter side....
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me They were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at a very big firm.
The HR manager interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor. "You are hired" he said, give me your email address, and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start. The man replied "I don't have a computer, neither an email".
I'm sorry, said the HR manager, if you don't have an email that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job. The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 US in his pocket.
He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 KG tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation 3 times, and returned home with $60 US. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubles or triples every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chooses a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied: 'I don't have an email'. The broker replied curiously, you don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?
The man thought for a while, and replied: an office boy!
The moral of this story:
1: Internet is not the solution to your life.
2: If you don't have internet and you work hard you can be a millionaire.
3: If you received this message by email, you are closer to be an office boy, rather than a MILLIONAIRE.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
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If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
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The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
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A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
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A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
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The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")
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The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
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The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
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Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
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Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
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The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
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Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
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Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
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A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
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Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
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Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
(http://www.toilette-humor.com/photo-albums/why_men_dont_babysit/image0066.jpg)
THE STAGES OF SUCCESS IN LIFE
At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is...having friends.
At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is...having sex.
At age 35 success is...having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 60 success is...having sex.
At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is...having friends.
At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants
An old blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground", he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered, "Oh that? The dog's leash goes slack!"
(http://www.suddenlysenior.com/Images/walkingstick.jpg)
(http://suddenlysenior.com/Images/forcedlabor.jpg)
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. "Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and whup your ass!!" "Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "Ya'll better thank your lucky stars that I cain't swim either or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!" This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge. Finally, Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence's ass. Well, there's the bridge... go git em." Rufus thought for a moment, chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna cross that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's ass!!!" He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up... turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed!! "Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" "I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered. "Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?" "Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge... I stepped up on the bridge... walked halfway over the bridge... looked up..." "And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense. "And," continued Rufus, "I sawed a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches." He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ..."Go get your mother."