English Humour - Message from Her Majesty The Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
∞8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Gateau for cream tea also please, and crumpets and scones with proper clotted cream.
I have played Rugby in College, and it was rough!!!!!
However, I loved it!
;D ;D ;D Donate blood,,,play Rugby! ;D ;D ;D
Collect Paddington! ;)
I've been to Paddington Station.Maybe I could. :laugh:
QuoteCollect Paddington!
Not familiar with that...what does it mean? I AM familiar with the traditional drinking songs and ethics of the aftergames though.
:-X
Paddington Station? Is that where Harry Potter catches the 9 1/2?
Paddington Bears from the Paddington Bear children's stories.
Quote from: Wilma on June 24, 2011, 08:41:16 PM
Paddington Station? Is that where Harry Potter catches the 9 1/2?
Nope. That's Kings Cross Station. Legend says it was built on the site of Queen Boudicca last battle.
Lisa
Boudicca...Now THERE was a woman warrior to reckon with...She was something else!
Quote from: Catwoman on June 25, 2011, 04:43:18 AM
Boudicca...Now THERE was a woman warrior to reckon with...She was something else!
Yeah, I wouldn't have wanted to tick her off! Or meet her in a dark alley! There is a reason why we remember her, besides the fact that she could kick butt!
Lisa
Gonna have to read up on this woman...Sounds like an Elk County woman! :o
She was married to a king of a tribe that existed in what is now England, if I remember correctly, during the Roman rule. When he died, their daughters ended up being raped by the Romans when they came to take possession of the King's lands and goods (after the King's death). Boudicca (also spelled Boudicea, I think) then got a number of the tribes together and led them in a revolt against the Romans, catching them by surprise. She managed to destroy several large towns and kill many, many people before the revolt was broken. Instead of allowing herself to be taken prisoner by the Romans, she ingested poison.
Let's see...Loyal...Passionate...Has a temper...Good at organization...Vindictive...Will get even with you and lay waste to you, if possible, once you get crosswise of her...Won't allow you to get the better of her...
Yep...Sounds like she might have a few relatives living in Elk County! lol
She was queen of the Iceni. And the epitome of a strong woman! Yep, she'd be fine in Elk County... ;D
Lisa
Oh yeah...I'd forgotten the name of the tribe. And, yes...I believe she'd be one I'd want in my corner (not cornering me!) lol ;D
wow...fascinating! Love the old stories
the old stories are the mehods to our madness? and fair for all our today's morals/ethics..? ???
Methinks we have strayed, I truely hope not.
PLEASE dont let England rule again....unless it's about RUGBY and TEA WITH SUGAR AND MILK!
(use your pinkie finger straight up to drink!)
I had the pleasure of knowing an 80 year old woman who was in the nursing home who still did that up until the day she died.
Bless the eticate! (spell check police please)
ready
etiquette, but you knew that, didn't you?
yes, Wilma ...you are good!
However my fingers type faster then my mind...and I hate spell check....if I don't know how to spell the word, then I shouldn't use it.
how's about I say, "Good Manners"... that is easy to spell! ;D
;D ;D ;D