LET’S TALK ABOUT TOILET PAPER

[Warph]

Some might believe the idea of writing 1500 words about toilet paper to be a complete waste of time. Of course, that means that reading 1500 words about toilet paper would be an even bigger waste of time. But before you click away from what, on the surface, would seem to be a throwaway post, I want to engage your mind and stir your soul about the importance, the efficacy, and the sheer wonder of this absolutely essential household product.

Have you ever contemplated what our civilization would be like without toilet paper? We'd be stuck using old copies of the New York Times or Washington Post - sort of like spreading shi*t on sh*t, although if newspapers wish to survive, perhaps they could start a movement to ban bathroom tissue. Think of the extra millions of copies newspaper companies would sell. People might not read them, but in our modern society, products with more than one purpose have a better chance of surviving.

Still think I'm off my nut? Au contraire, bon ami. I believe there is a direct correlation between the economic health and spiritual well being of a society and the quality and selection of the bathroom tissue it offers.

It is unknown when humans even began to care about cleaning themselves after defecating. The fossil record is silent on the issue and archeological evidence from paleo-human campsites is lacking.

It was probably some Cro-Magnon woman who got tired of sleeping with a stinky man and pointed out the advantages of cleaning oneself after doing his business. Since we all know that women's stools don't smell, this is logical (neither do women stink when they sweat, or perhaps men don't notice it because female perspiration is an aphrodisiac to most of us).

It was the Chinese who first figured out in the second century AD that their invention of paper had applications far beyond the ordinary purpose of being a surface upon which writing might be stored and shared. A fanatically clean society, the use of paper to wipe one's bum must have seemed a much better option to the Chinese than bamboo grass which, unless you are careful, is capable of cutting the flesh like a Ginsu knife. (The Greeks apparently used a sea shell to scrape the area clean. Try that without letting out a yelp of pain.)

Paper was used in various forms and shapes by succeeding cultures. But it was a highly discriminatory product. Only the rich could afford paper while the middling classes and poor were stuck with other, decidedly less comfortable and efficient products.

It took American ingenuity to invent egalitarian toilet paper. Wikpedia says it was a fellow by the name of Joseph Gayetty who developed the first commercially available TP in the world in 1857. The product had a few drawbacks, however. It came in small sheets for one. Then there was the problem of splinters, since the process of manufacturing soft, smooth, quilted, or multi-ply paper was a few decades away. It doesn't take much imagination to experience the pain that would be felt if one were to be unfortunate enough to have a splinter lodged in your anus. True love would be your wife assisting you in removing it.

It wasn't until 1935 when Northern Tissue advertised "splinter-free" bathroom tissue that the modern technological age began and industrial society was poised to reach its peak of perfection. I shudder to think that I might have been born in an era without Charmin or other premium brands of TP.

It should be noted that there is still something of a stigma attached to the product. Why this is so relates to our shame regarding any discussion of the private parts of the body. That, and the indelicate nature of what the product is used for. But really, when you think about it, why should shame be attached to a wonderfully useful product for which everyone has need? There isn't a soul alive or dead who could honestly say that they were indifferent about the necessity of utilizing this product. It as universally essential to daily life as Hellman's Mayonaise or Plochman's Yellow Mustard.

Hopefully, this attitude is changing thanks to a groundbreaking series of commercials for Charmin TP that features animated bears who are actually seen almost using the product. That, of course, is the final barrier that needs to be broken. Once the Charmin Bears are seen wiping, we will have a new normal for bathroom tissue commercials. There will be a scramble among Northern, Scott, and the other giants of the industry to show their product in use. I await this day with much anticipation for it will be then that toilet paper can come out of the water closet and breathe the fresh air of a deserved, respected notoriety.

We have few jokes about toilet paper in our culture. That's because of its ubiquitousness, as well as the superb quality of the tissue that is generally available even to the poorest among us. I did find a rather funny Chuck Norris/Jack Bauer truism. Playing off the idea that some toilet paper has celebrities printed on the roll:

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh*t from anybody.

Socialist societies overflow with TP jokes. That's because when such a basic necessity is part of a command economy, there will never be enough and its quality will be a joke. This brings to mind P.J. O'Rourke's masterpiece Holidays in Hell where his visit to the Soviet Union in the early 80's was painted as a nightmare of shortages, and standing in line for hours just to purchase a couple of rolls of toilet paper.

This incredible report from a sociologist in Russia describes how the Stalinist state designed one kind of toilet paper:

My view is that the development and usage of toilet paper has a much neglected 'cultural', as opposed to crudely 'economic', aspect. I remember using something called 'Izal' - a sort of hard, crumply, medicated affair, prone to splitting under excessive pressure. It was clearly designed and manufactured by an anally retentive Methodist sworn to clean living, clean air and clean bums. It came in boxes especially designed to keep use of paper to a minimum. Each sheet had to be withdrawn singly and was usually the devil's own job to extract. Sort of thing one found in the lower middle class household of Stalinist persuasion that I inhabited during my childhood years.... It never did me any harm, honest.

And Obama wants our government to have a big say in the design of cars?

If you read between the lines of this old Russian joke about toilet paper, you can catch the utter helplessness that people feel in a society that is incapable of addressing their most basic comforts:

A woman walking in the street is carrying a bag full of rolls of toilet paper.

A passer-by opens his mouth, "Hey, mother, where did you buy it?"

"Buy? Are you crazy? Where could I buy it nowadays? They are five years old. I am taking them back from the cleaners."

And, of course, there are dozens of variations on the newspaper Pravda (Truth) being better utilized for duty in the water closet than actually finding out what was going on in the Soviet Union at the time. Those humorous anecdotes also say something profound about a society where attacking the state by smearing excrement over its propaganda organ is a way to fight back against the stultifying nature of Communism.

In contrast, the bidet - that most elegant and efficient of hygienic aids - would probably make the average Soviet citizen of the period contemplate bloody revolution. But frankly, I've never gotten the hang of the contraption and prefer the less ritzy, but more utilitarian paper alternative.

I hope you come away with a greater appreciation of bathroom tissue, and a more enlightened grasp of the spectacular successes of American society after reading this. If not, I'm sure you can find some shells somewhere.

--Rick Moran

P.S. -- They had a TP joke (one of many) back in the bad old days of communist Czechoslovakia...

The Czechoslovak aircraft industry developed a hot new fighter that could easily outperform anything that the West had. The trouble was that wings kept ripping off during maneuvers. Industry leaders and Party members met to resolve the issue. Many proposals were floated, all were rejected. Then a shy young man stood up in the back of the room.

"Comrades, I think I have developed a solution."

"Oh, what's that Comrade?" the head of the meeting asked.

"Let us perforate the wings."

The top Party member got hot under the collar. "Comrade, are you trying to ridicule and sabotage the Party's efforts to keep our socialist motherland safe from the neonazi/imperialist/fascist/zionist/capitalist conspiracy? If so, I'll..."

The head engineer bravely intervened. "Now, now, comrade political officer, the young man is new at the company, but he is a very bright engineer." Turning to the young man: "Well, what is your evidence that perforating the winds would prevent wing failure?"

"Well," the young man says: "I base my conclusion on my experience with our toilet paper. It tears everywhere except at the perforations."

Nuff said...

[larryJ]

My dear Warph,

I am becoming concerned, or I should say, I have been concerned for some time about what they put in the drinks at the nineteenth hole.  My mental images of you and "Ole" Slappy hunched over the bar discussing toilet paper-----well, words escape me here. 

However, since you brought this subject up, I am pretty sure the author of this piece might be somewhat mistaken in the timeline of the development of TP and his ideas of what might have preceded the product we use today.  I did, however, find the idea of banning TP and using newspaper intriguing and will pass that along to my former employer which will boost their sales immensely.  Also, it occurred to me that TP companies are missing out on advertising opportunities by not putting ads on each single sheet.  I am positive the amount of sales of advertising will far outweigh the cost of printing.  But, then again, there is the problem of printing on such soft paper and many of us may not wish to clean ourselves with a sheet or two of paper that represents a product or company that we don't like. 

There was no mention, I think, of prior use of corncobs.  Probably those best used would be fresh as opposed to dried out ones.  One of my favorites (I have never tried this either) was the use of pine cones while living in the forest.  Not only did they clean the area in question, but left a fresh pine smell similar to room deodorizers we use today.  I have long advocated the use of fresh roses for the same reason that they would leave a fresh scent, being however mindful of the thorns. 

Now that being said, I look back on what I just wrote and I am going back to bed because there is something clearly wrong with me for even responding to your post.  I will have to stop at the water closet briefly for a few minutes.  Now, lets see, where did I put that catalogue?

Larryj