A Woman's Week At The Gym

[Judy Harder]

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.  This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular work out routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a..m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other s**t too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
A**hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.. He sent some skinny b***h to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that b*st**d Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the d**n barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

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SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have s sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[Diane Amberg]

Ha!

[Ms Bear]

My sentiments exactly.

[Varmit]

Judy, that is too funny.  And thanks for posting it.  It actually brings up a subject that you ladies could help me with.  A while back my wife asked me to help her "get back in shape" so we purchased a Total Gym.  Now bear in mind that my wife and I hold VERY different views on how a person should workout.  Me, I'm old school, in that if you ain't sweatin' you ain't workin.  This point was drilled into me, very throughly, by various Drill Satans...uh, I mean Sergents.  My wife is more of a "okay, we've made it out of the locker room, time for a water break" type.

Before we started our routine she told me again and again, "Be hard, don't let me quit".  Along with the Total Gym I mixed some areobics and calisthenics.  We start with a 15 minute warm-up and stretching period, then 45 min. to an Hour workout, followed by 15min cooldown and stretching. 

My wife is usually a very sweet person, however I noticed a change in her during our first workout.  She kept saying things like "You hate me, don't you?", and "You're supposed to love me!".  To which I replied "You asked for my help. If you want to quit, go for it.  You won't be letting anybody down, except for yourself."

I thought that she would take this to mean that I love her just the way she is.  Instead she give me a look that would make the Reaper run and hide. 

I don't get it, I do what she asks, and she gets mad.  Then when I tell her she can quit, she gets mad.  Just doesn't make sense.  Any perspective ya'll could add would be a big help.

[Wilma]

HIDE!

[Judy Harder]

Be careful, be very careful. You might want to check your life-insurance plan for extra benefits
that have been added just lately. I think I would run out the back door or find a way of
"making amends" As Dorothy use to say in the Golden Girls. "God is going to get you!"

[Varmit]

I still don't understand, what did I do wrong?  All I did was what she asked me to do!!!

[Jo McDonald]

HA HA HA HA HA
     Sorry ---- but it does not and will not matter how much you try --- we of the opposite sex from you  -- have great difficulty seeing beyond the first fifteen minutes of excerise - then getting on the scales and seeing NO drop in the weight.  That is just the way it is, Billy... there is not a thing either of you can do about it.  You love her  -- She loves you ---- and the darn fat loves her too.  She will just have to decide which of you she loves the most.
  In the meantime ~~~~~~~~~~~
You will just have to be patient, keep huggin' and kissin' on her, and make sure you have some good book to bury yourself in, or
some outside chores to keep you busy.

[larryJ]

Billy, you had asked the forum ladies for advice on this situation, but perhaps, you should ask the men.

Rule #1.  When your wife asks for your help and love and support on a project such as this, there is no out.  You must do it.

Rule #2.  It is good that you are making the effort to help her by designing a workout program for her.  However, the philosophy of "if you quit, you are hurting no one but yourself" is wrong.  She is already aware of that fact and you reminding her of it is a no-no.  A better philosophy is:  "When I fell in love with you, I felt there couldn't be a more perfect woman in the world.  If you are trying to get to that point, I will do everything in my power to help you."

Rule #3.  It is a common and well-known practice that wives use their husbands as the scape goats when anything goes wrong.  When there is no one to blame but themselves, which they don't want to do, then the husband gets the blame.  What to do?  Accept that fact and move on.  Apologize in a positive manner such as:  "you are right, dear, I am not pushing you hard enough" or maybe, "You are doing great, just give it some time and you will see the results----just give it some time."

Rule #4.  None of the above rules probably will really work, but you must maintain a positive attitude and keep at it.  When the pounds do start coming off, she will be grateful to you for your help.  This may take some time, but keep at it.

Rule #5.  If all of this fails, and she stops the exercise, make one last effort by stating how much better she looks already and how she must feel healthier so soon. 

Rule #6.  If that doesn't do it.  Sell the exercise machine, use the money for a nice weekend getaway to spend some quality time together.

Hope this helps.

Larryj

[Mom70x7]

Wow - what a smooth talker.    No wonder your family adores you!