another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------just for Warph.............

Wife's diary:  My husband is acting weird.  He came home from his golf game yesterday and hardly said two words all evening.  I asked him what was wrong.  He said, "Nothing."  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  He said he wasn't upset.  I told him that I loved him.  He said, "You, too."

He seemed distracted.  It's like he wasn't there.  I don't know why he wouldn't say, "I love you" instead of just "You, too."  Sometimes I feel like I'm losing him.

Finally, after a long evening of watching television in silence, we went to bed.  He fell asleep immediately.  I cried.  I don't know what to do.  I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a complete disaster.

Husband's diary:  A four putt!  Who four putts?

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In 1900, the first major automobile show opened in New York's Madison Square Garden under the auspices of the Automobile Club of America.

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Today---------------Actress Lois Smith is 81, Former Massachusetts Governor Michael S. Dukakis is 78, Actor-dancer Ken Berry is 78, Tony-winning playwright Terrence McNally is 72, Actor Shadoe Stevens is 65 and Singer Lulu is 63.

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November 3rd is:  Cliche Day, National Men Make Dinner Day and Sandwich Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------kind of a Murphy's thing..............

1.  Law of Hindrance:  After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

2.  Law of Gravity:  Any small object, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.  Law of Probability:  The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of the act.

4.  Law of Random Numbers:  If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.  Law of Negative Results:  If you change lines (or traffic lanes), it will slow to a crawl while the one you were in will begin to move smoothly.

6.  Law of Mechanics:  When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

7.  Law of the Takeaway:  As soon as you find a TV show or product that you really like, they will stop making it.

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In 1924, Nellie T. Ross of Wyoming was elected the nation's first female governor to serve out the remaining term of her late husband, William B. Ross.

In 1952, Dwight D. Eisenhower was elected president defeating Democrat Adlai Stevenson.

In 1991, Ronald Reagan opened his presidential library in Simi Valley, CA., with a dedication attended by President George H.W. Bush and former presidents Jimmy Carter, Gerald R. Ford and Richard Nixon  --  the first-ever gathering of five past and present U.S. chief executives.

In 2008, Democrat Barack Obama was elected the first black president of the United States, defeating Republican John McCain.

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Today-------------Actress Doris Roberts is 81, Actress Loretta Swit is 74, Rhythm-and-blues singer Harry Elston (Friends of Distinction) is 73, Blues singer Delbert McClinton is 71, Former First Lady Laura Bush is 65 and Actress Markie Post is 61.

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November 4th is:  National Medical  Liason Awareness and Appreciation Day, National Chicken Lady Day, Use Your Common Sense Day and Pumpkin Chunkin Day (4-6).

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------hah............

Three doctors approach the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter asks the first one, "What have you done to merit entrance to Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician.  I brought thousands of young souls into the world."

"Good enough," St. Peter says, bowing in welcome.  He asks the second doctor the same question.

The doctor says, "I'm a general practitioner.  I visited third-world countries three times a year to minister to the sick and poor."

St. Peter is impressed and welcomes him to the Holy City.

The third doctor steps up in line and, knowing the question, blurts out, "I'm the director of an HMO."

St. Peter ponders this for a moment, then says, "Fine.  You many enter Heaven.  But only for three days and two nights."

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In 1911, aviator Calbraith P. Rodgers arrived in Pasadena completing the first transcontinental airplane trip in 49 days.
Also, Singing cowboy star Roy Rogers was born Leonard Slye in Cincinnati, Ohio.

In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented third term in office as he defeated Republican challenger Wendell L. Willkie.

In 1968, Richard M. Nixon won the presidency, defeating Vice President Hubert H. Humphrey.

In 1991, death claimed publishing magnate Robert Maxwell at age 68 and actor Fred MacMurray at age 83.

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Today------------------Actor Chris Robinson is 73, Actress Elke Sommer is 71, Singer Art Garfunkel is 70, Actor-playwright Sam Shepard is 68 and Singer Peter Noone is 64.

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November 5th is:  Sadie Hawkins Day.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Remember, remember the 5th of November. Guy Fawkes!

[larryJ]

Today's-----------another third grader..............

Can you believe what grandparents have to put with?

Poor Gramps was dozing in his chair one afternoon when Ricky, his 9-year-old grandson, ran into the room and tugged him awake.

"Grampa, I have an important question for you," he said.

"What is it, Ricky?"

"If a rooster lays an egg while a strong wind is blowing from east to west, which direction will the egg fall?"

"Why, the egg will drop straight down in either case."

"Ha ha, Grampa!  You're wrong.  Roosters don't lay eggs!"

(sorry)

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In 1860, former Illinois Congressman Abraham Lincoln defeated three other candidates for the presidency:  John Breckinridge, John Bell and Stephen Douglas.

In 1861, James Naismith, the inventor of the sport of basketball, was born in Almonte, Ontario, Canada.

In 1888, Benjamin Harrison won the presidential election, defeating incumbent Grover Cleveland with enough electoral votes, even though Cleveland led in the popular vote.

In 1977, 39 people were killed when the Kelly Barnes Dam burst, sending a wall of water through Toccoa Falls College in Georgia.

In 1990, about one-fifth of the Universal Studios backlot in Southern California was destroyed in an arson fire.

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Today---------Director Mike Nichols is 80, Country singer Stonewall Jackson is 79, Singer Eugene Pitt is 74, Singer P.J. Proby is 73, Country singer Guy Clark is 70, Actress Sally Field is 65, Pop singer-musician Glenn Frey is 63, Singer Rory Block is 62 and Jazz musician Arturo Sandoval is 62.

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November 6th is:  International Day For Preventing The Exploitation Of The Environment In War And Armed Conflicts, Daylight Savings Time Ends, Saxophone Day and Zero Tasking Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------more of a story than a joke.............

A long time ago, in St. Louis, our family had a banquet restaurant.  One day I was arranging a 50th anniversary party for a nice lady and her husband.  As we visited, we became like old friends.  My wife Delores and I had been married 10 years at the time.  I asked my new friend, "What does it take to stay married to a person for 50 years?"

The lady replied, "I'll tell you a little secret.  You know that old bunk about 50-50?  It's not 50-50.  It's 90-10."

I had to ask her, "Who gets the 90?"

She answered, "That's the secret!  The longer you have been living together the easier it becomes to know when to give the 90 ....
and when to take it."

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In 1811, U.S. forces led by Indiana Territory Governor William Henry Harrison defeated warriors from Tecumseh's Confederacy in the Battle of Tippecanoe.

In 1916, Republican Jeannette Rankin of Montana became the first woman elected to Congress.

In 1962, Richard Nixon, having lost California's gubernatorial race, held what he called his "last press conference," telling reporters, "You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore."

In 1980, actor Steve McQueen died in Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico, at age 50.

In 1991, basketball star Magic Johnson announced he had tested positive for the AIDS virus, and was retiring.  (Despite his HIV status, Johnson has been able to sustain himself with medication.)

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Today-------------Evangelist Billy Graham is 93, Actor Barry Newman is 73, Singer Johnny Rivers is 69 and Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell is 68.

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November 7th is:  Job Action Day and National Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------old, but funny.........

A deeply religious man climbs to the roof of his house as a terrible flood ravages the town.  Presently, a rescue boat approaches but the man waves it away.  "God will save me,"  he calls out.

The flood waters continue to rise.  Hours later, another boat arrives.  Again, the man waves it away.  "God will save me!"

The flood waters rise even higher.  A third boat approaches.  Again, it is refused.  "God will save me!"

Finally, the house is overcome and the man perishes.  He goes to hell and stands before the Devil.  "Why didn't God save me?" he asks.

The Devil replies, "Fool. He sent three boats. Three times he tried to save you.  Three times you turned him down."

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In 1889, Montana became the 41st state.

In 1932, New York Gov. Franklin D. Roosevelt defeated incumbent Herbert Hoover for the presidency.

In 1960, Massachusetts Sen. John F. Kennedy defeated Vice President Richard M. Nixon for the presidency.

In 1980, scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena announced that the U.S. space probe Voyager 1 had discovered a 15th moon orbiting Saturn.

In 1988, Vice President George H.W. Bush won the presidential election, defeating Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis.

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Today---------------Singer Patti Page is 84, CBS Newsman Morley Safer is 80, Singer-actress Bonnie Bramlett is 67, Singer Bonnie Raitt is 62 and TV personality Mary Hart is 61.

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November 8th is:  Abet And Aid Punsters Day, Cook Something Bold And Pungent Day, Election Day, X-Ray Day and National Parents As Teachers Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------third grader?.........

The Pilgrims were so literal.  They always had to be careful about what they said.  Occasionally, there were problems.

Pilgrim John:  I see thou art cleaning thy hunting gear for the morrow.  Dost thou plan on hunting bear?

Pilgrim Samuel:  Certainly not, Pilgrim John, I am shocked that thou wouldest even suggest it.  I shall wear clothing as usual!

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In 1961, U.S. Air Force Maj. Robert M. White became the first pilot to fly an X-15 rocket plane at six times the speed of sound.

In 1961, The Beatles future manager, Brian Epstein, first saw the group perform at the Cavern Club in Liverpool, England.

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Today-----------------------Baseball Hall-of-Fame Whitey Herzog is 80, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Bob Gibson is 76, Actor Charlie Robinson is 66, Actor Robert David Hall ("CSI") is 63 and Actor Lou Ferrigno is 60.

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November 9th is:  Kristallnacht and National Young Reader's Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------a little late, had a dentist appointment..............

The seniors are sitting around discussing their various ailments.

"My arms are so weak, I can barely hold this cup of coffee," says one.

Says another, "Are you kidding?  My eyes are so bad, I can't even see my coffee cup any more."

A third joins in, "Speak up!  I'm deaf, you know.  Can't hear a thing."

"Who said that?" says one.  "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis."

Says another, "I can hardly move at all.  My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy."

Another old gent chimes in, "Half the time I don't remember whether I took my pills or not.  I forget where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going."

Everyone shakes their heads, sorrowfully.

An old woman pipes up, "Come on, let's count our blessings.  At least, we can all still drive!"

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In 1951, customer-dialed long-distance telephone service began as Mayor M. Leslie Denning of Englewood, NJ., called Alameda Mayor Frank Osborne without having to go through an operator.

In 1954, the U.S. Marine Corps Memorial, depicting the raising of the American flag on Iwo Jima in 1945, was dedicated by President Dwight D. Eisenhower in Arlington, Virginia.

In 1969, the children's educational program "Sesame Street" make it's debut on National Educational Television (later PBS.)

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Today---------Actor Russell Johnson is 87, Film composer Ennio Morricone is 83, Actor Albert Hall is 74, Country singer Donna Fargo is 70, Sen. Saxby Chambliss, R-Ga., is 68, Lyricist Tim Rice is 67, Rock singer-musician Greg Lake (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 64, Actress dancer Ann Reinking is 62, Actor Jack Scalia is 61 and American Indian activist Russell Means is 72.

(Note:  Donna Fargo used to teach at our local high school before she became a country singer.  Both of my kids attended that school, but after she had already left.)

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November 10th is:  Marine Corps Birthday, Area Code Day and Sesame Street Day.

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Larryj

[flintauqua]

In 1951, customer-dialed long-distance telephone service began as Mayor M. Leslie Denning of Englewood, NJ., called Alameda Mayor Frank Osborne without having to go through an operator.

"Long-distance"?

"Operator"?

Please explain what these terms mean.  I'd look them up on my Motorola 4G but I don't have any bars.