another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------------just in the spirit of things

A high-end auction was in progress.  The room was crowded and the bidding intense.  At one point the auctioneer was handed a note.  He read it, then took the next opportunity, during a short break in the action, to announce:  "Ladies and gentlemen, someone in the room has lost a wallet containing $10,000 cash.  The individual is prepared to pay a reward of $2,000 for it."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

_____________________________________________________

In 1848, James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's Mill in northern California, a discovery that led to the gold rush of '49.

In 1908, the Boy Scouts movement began in England under the aegis of Robert Baden-Powell.

In 1961, a U.S. Air Force B-52 broke up and crashed near Goldsboro, N.C., dropping its payload of two nuclear bombs, neither of which went off; three of the eight crew members were killed.

In 1989, confessed serial killer Theodore Bundy was executed in Florida's electric chair.

_________________________________________________________

Today------------Actor Ernest Borgnine is 94, Actor Jerry Maren ("The Wizard of Oz") is 92, Actor Marvin Kaplan ("Top Cat") is 84, Cajun musician Doug Kershaw is 75, Singer-songwriter Ray Stevens is 72, Singer Aaron Neville is 70, Actor Michael Ontkean is 65, Country singer-songwriter Becky Hobbs is 61 and Singer-songwriter Neil Diamond is 70.

_____________________________________________________

January 24th is:  National Compliment Day and Talk Like a Grizzled Prospector Day (consarn it!)

________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------sounds logical to me

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were at the local golf course, waiting on the first tee.  And waiting.  And waiting.  The group  ahead of them was taking forever to proceed down the fairway.

Finally the impatient threesome complained to the groundskeeper, who explained to them that the slowpoke golfers were blind firefighters who had lost their sight saving the clubhouse in a fire several years previously.  "In gratitude, we let them play for free any time they like," the groundskeeper said.

The pastor, ashamed for complaining, said, "I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor, also ashamed, said, "I'll contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Hey, if they're blind, why can't they play at night?"

_________________________________________________

In 1915, Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated U.S. transcontinental telephone service between New York and San Francisco.

In 1947, American gangster Al Capone died in Miami Beach, Florida, at age 48.

In 1959, American Airlines began Boeing 707 flights between New York and Los Angeles.

IN 1961, President John F. Kennedy held the first presidential news conference to be carried live on radio and television.

IN 1971, Charles Manson and three women followers were convicted in Los Angeles of murder and conspiracy in the 1969 slayings of seven people, including actress Sharon Tate.

_________________________________________________________

Today------------------------Actor Gregg Palmer is 84, Actor Dean Jones is 80, Country Singer Claude Gray is 79, Blues singer Etta James is 73, and Actress Leigh Taylor-Young is 66.

_________________________________________________________

January 25th is:  National Speak Up and Succeed Day, A Room Of One's Own Day, Macintosh Computer Day, and Better Business Communication Day.

________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------OOOOOKAAAY

Determine your personal skill level and intelligence quotient by taking the following short exam.  The questions are NOT that difficult.  Your should answer all of them correctly.

1.. How do you get five gorillas into a Volkswagen?

   Answer:  Open the door, let them get in, then close the door.  This question probes the tendency of some people to  overthink simple tasks.

2.  How do you get a grizzly bear into a Volkswagen?

    Answer:  Did you say, "Open the door, let him get in, then close the door?"  Wrong.  You have to let the five gorillas out first.  This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals attend, except one.  Which animal did not attend?  Correct answer:  the grizzly bear.  He's in the Volkswagen.  This question tests your memory.

_______________________________________________


In 1837, Michigan became the 26th state.

In 1861, Louisiana passed an Ordinance of Secession, 113-17, at the state capitol in Baton Rouge, becoming the sixth state to break free from the United States.

In 1870, Virginia rejoined the Union.

In 1979, former Vice President Nelson A. Rockefeller died in New York at age 70.

In 1996, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton testified before a grand jury connected to the Whitewater probe.

_____________________________________________________

Today----------------------Actress Anne Jeffreys is 88, Actress Joan Leslie is 86, Cartoonist Jules Feiffer is 82. Actor Scott Glenn is 72, Activist Angela Davis is 67 and Sportscaster Bob Uecker is 76.

______________________________________________________

January 26th is:  Cockroach Race Day, Lotus 1-2-3 Day, National Peanut Brittle Day, and Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement.



________________________________________________________

Larryj

[srkruzich]

I have actually seen one like this, except it had about 10 different animals, on a employment test.   You had to get 100% to be hired.  95% of the applicants failed.

Today's------------------------OOOOOKAAAY

Determine your personal skill level and intelligence quotient by taking the following short exam.  The questions are NOT that difficult.  Your should answer all of them correctly.

1.. How do you get five gorillas into a Volkswagen?

   Answer:  Open the door, let them get in, then close the door.  This question probes the tendency of some people to  overthink simple tasks.

2.  How do you get a grizzly bear into a Volkswagen?

    Answer:  Did you say, "Open the door, let him get in, then close the door?"  Wrong.  You have to let the five gorillas out first.  This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals attend, except one.  Which animal did not attend?  Correct answer:  the grizzly bear.  He's in the Volkswagen.  This question tests your memory.

_______________________________________________


In 1837, Michigan became the 26th state.

In 1861, Louisiana passed an Ordinance of Secession, 113-17, at the state capitol in Baton Rouge, becoming the sixth state to break free from the United States.

In 1870, Virginia rejoined the Union.

In 1979, former Vice President Nelson A. Rockefeller died in New York at age 70.

In 1996, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton testified before a grand jury connected to the Whitewater probe.

_____________________________________________________

Today----------------------Actress Anne Jeffreys is 88, Actress Joan Leslie is 86, Cartoonist Jules Feiffer is 82. Actor Scott Glenn is 72, Activist Angela Davis is 67 and Sportscaster Bob Uecker is 76.

______________________________________________________

January 26th is:  Cockroach Race Day, Lotus 1-2-3 Day, National Peanut Brittle Day, and Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement.



________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------I think this one was on here somewhere before

It was teacher's birthday and all he students brought gifts.  The florist's son handed her a long box.  She said, "Oh, flowers! Thank you!"  The boy said, "How did you know?"  She said, "Oh, a lucky guess."

The candy shop owner's daughter handed the teacher a heart-shaped box.  Teacher said, "I love candy!  Thank you!"  The girl said, "How did you know?"  Teacher said, "Oh, another lucky guess."

The liquor store owner's son gave teacher a large package that was leaking from one corner.  Teacher touched the liquid and tasted it.  She said, "Oh, beer! Thank you."  The boy said, "It's not beer."  Teacher tasted the liquid again.  She asked,  "Is it champagne?"  The boy said excitedly, "No, it's not champagne."

The teacher was stumped.  "What is it?" she asked.

The boy shouted with glee, "It's a puppy!"

________________________________________________________

In 1880, Thomas Edison received a patent for his electric incandescent lamp.

In 1973, the Vietnam peace accords were signed in Paris.

In 1981, President Ronald Reagan and his wife, Nancy, greeted the 52 former American hostages held by Iran at the White House.

_________________________________________________________

Today----------Singer Bobby "Blue" Bland is 81, Actor James Cromwell is 71, Actor John Witherspoon is 69 and Ballet star Mikhail Baryshnikov is 63.
________________________________________________________

January 27th is:  Thomas Crapper Day, Vietnam Peace Day, Auschwitz Liberation Day and Holocaust Memorial Day.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------old but funny

A recently retired man and his wife were at the breakfast table, finishing their coffee.  

Wife:  "What are you planning to do today?"

Hubby:  "Nothing.  Absolutely nothing whatsoever."

Wife:  "That's what you did yesterday."

Hubby:  "I know, and I'm not done yet."

_______________________________________________________

In 1909, the United States withdrew its forces from Cuba as Jose Miguel Gomez became president.

In 1915, the United States Coast Guard was created as President Woodrow Wilson signed a bill merging the Life Saving Service and Revenue Cutter Service.

In 1973, a cease-fire officially went into effect in the Vietnam War.

In 1986, the space shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff from Cape Canaveral, killing all seven of its crew members, including schoolteacher Christa McAuliffe.

__________________________________________________________________

Today-----------------Musician-composer Acker Bilk is 82, Actor Nicholas Pryor is 76, Actor Alan Alda is 75, Actress Susan Howard is 69, Actress Martha Keller is 66 and Actress-singer Barbie Benton is 61.

________________________________________________________________

January 28th is:  Data Privacy Day, Fun At Work Day, and Thank A Plug-in Developer Day.

_________________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------another old but funny

A driver is pulled over by a policeman, who approaches the vehicle and says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see you driver's license , please?"

"I don't have one.  It was suspended because of all my drunk driving convictions."

"You're in trouble, then, sir.  Do you have registration papers for this vehicle?"

"No, I stole the car.  And I murdered the owner.  The body is in the trunk."

The officer draws his weapon, then calls for backup.  The S.W.A.T team arrives and the commanding officer takes over the case, ordering the driver out of the car.

The motorist says, "Is there a problem, officer?"

"Open the trunk."

The motorist opens the trunk.  It's empty.

"Is this your vehicle?"

The motorist hands over the registration papers.  And his drivers license.

The S.W.A.T. commander is confused.  "The officer who stopped you said that had no license or registration, the car was stolen, and there was a body in the trunk."

"For heaven's sake.  What else did he say?  That I was speeding or something.

_________________________________________________________________

In 1919, the ratification of the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, which launched Prohibition, was certified.

In 1936, the first members of baseball's Hall of Fame, including Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth, were named in Cooperstown, N.Y.

________________________________________________________________

Today----------Actor Noel Harrison is 77, Author Germaine Greer is 72, Actress Katherine Ross is 71, Actor Mark Singer is 68, Actress Ann Jillian is 61 and Actor Tom Selleck is 66.

_______________________________________________________________

January 29th is:  World Leprosy Day, Curmudgeon Day, Free Thinkers Day, National Puzzle Day, National Seed Swap Day, Seeing Eye Dog Day and Thomas Paine Day.

_______________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------it's Sunday

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya
know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft
and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing
seems to scare them away.

Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in
the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back since!"

______________________________________________________


In 1882 the 32nd President of the United States, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, was born in Hyde Park, NY.

In 1933, the first episode of the "Lone Ranger" radio program was broadcast on station WXYZ in Detroit.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy delivered his first State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress.

In 1968, the Tet Offensive began during the Vietnam War as Communist forces launched surprise attacks against South Vietnamese provincial capitals.

___________________________________________________________________________

Today--------------Actress Dorothy Malone is 86, Actress Tammy Grimes is 77, Actress Vanessa Redgrave is 74, Chess Grandmaster Boris Spassky is 74, Country singer Jeanne Pruett is 74, Country singer Norma Jean is 73, Former Vice President Dick Cheney is 70, Singer-musician Phil Collins is 60, Actor Charles S. Dutton is 60 and Actor Gene Hackman is 81.

____________________________________________________________________

January 30th is:  Inane Answering Machine Message Day.

___________________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------so true

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course.  It didn't take long for the complaints to start.

"These hills are getting steeper by the year," said one.

"These fairways are longer, too," said another.

"These sand traps are bigger than I remember," said the third.

Finally, the fourth had heard enough.  "Stop complaining," he said.  "We're lucky, at our age, to be on this side of the grass."

________________________________________________________________________

In 1865, Gen. Robert E. Lee was named General-in-chief of all the Confederate armies.

In 1945, Pvt. Eddie Slovik, 24, became the first U.S. soldier since the Civil War to be executed for desertion as he was shot by an American firing squad in France.

In 1950, President Harry S. Truman announced he had ordered development of the hydrogen bomb.

In 1958, the United States entered the Space Age with its first successful launch of a satellite into orbit, Explorer I.

__________________________________________________________________________

Today-----------------Actress Carol Channing is 90, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ernie Banks is 80, Actor Stuart Margolin is 71, Blues Singer-musician Charlie Musselwhite is 67, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Nolan Ryan is 64 and Actress Jessica Walter is 70.

___________________________________________________________________________

January 31 is:  Inspire Your Heart With Art Day and Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day.

_________________________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------another oldie but goodie

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken into his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

The watch commander promised that an officer would be dispatched to the scene.  A few minutes later, however, the drunk called again and said, "Never mind.  I got in the back seat by mistake."

_______________________________________________________

In 1790, the U.S. Supreme Court convened for the first time in New York.  (However, since only three of the six justices were present, the court recessed until the next day.)

In 1861, Texas voted to leave the Union, 166-8, at a Secession Convention in Austin.

In 1960, four black college students began a sit-in protest at a Woolworth's lunch counter in Greensboro, NC, where they'd been refused service.

In 1961, the U.S. Air Force successfully test-fired the Minuteman I, its first solid-fuel intercontinental ballistic missile, from a test site in Florida.

IN 1991, 34 people were killed when an arriving USAir jetliner crashed atop a commuter plane on a runway at Los Angeles International Airport.

In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia broke up during re-entry, killing all seven of its crew members.

__________________________________________________

Today------------America's last surviving World War I veteran Frank Buckles is 110, Gospel singer George Beverly Shea is 102, Actor Stuart Whitman is 83, Singer Don Everly is 74, Actor Garret Morris is 74. Jazz musician Joe Sample is 72 and Opera singer Carol Neblett is 65.

___________________________________________________

February 1st is:  Freedom Day, African-American Coaches Day, G.I. Joe Day, Hula In The Coola Day, Robinson Crusoe Day, Spunky Old Broads Day (actually all month) and Working Naked Day.

____________________________________________________

Larryj