another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------it's Sunday

The pastor asked the little boy, "Do you say your prayers every night?"

The boy replied, "Yes I do.  Every night."

The pastor smiled, then asked, "And do you say your prayers every morning, too?"

The boy answered, "No, I don't."

The pastor lifted his eyebrows and asked, "Why not?"

The boy said, "I ain't scared in the daytime."

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In 1886, Atlanta pharmacist John Pemberton invented the flavor syrup for Coca-Cola.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced on radio that Nazi Germany's forces had surrendered and that "the flags of freedom fly all over Europe."

In 1973, militant American Indians who had held the South Dakota town of Wounded Knee for 10 weeks surrendered.

In 1984, the Soviet Union announced it would boycott the upcoming Summer Olympic Games in Los Angeles.

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Today-----------Singer Toni Tenille is 71, Actor James Mitchum is 70, Country singer Jack Blanchard is 69, Jazz musician Keith Jarrett is 66 and Comedian Don Rickles is 85.

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May 8th is:  No Socks Day, Time of Remembrance and Reconciliation For Those Who Lost Their Lives During World War II, Second World War, VE Day, World Red Cross Day, National Miniature Golf Day, Stay Up All Night Day and Mother's Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------old---still funny

A law officer approached a farmer and says, "We are conducting a manhunt in this area.  I need to search your property."

The farmer says, "Fine, but stay out of that fenced field over there."

The officer pointed to the badge on his shirt and said, "I have the authority to search anywhere I want."

The farmer shrugged and said, "Suit yourself."

About an hour later, the officer was running for his life, chased by an angry bull that gained on him with each passing second.  He saw the farmer looking on and cried out, "Help me!"

The farmer yelled back, "Try showing him your badge."

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In 1951, the U.S. conducted its first thermonuclear experiment as part of Operation Greenhouse by detonating a 225-kiloton device on Enewetak Atoll in the Pacific nicknamed "George."

In 1961, in a speech to the National Association of Broadcasters, Federal Communications Commission Chairman Newton N. Minow decried the majority of television programming as a "vast wasteland" of "game shows, formula comedies, blood and thunder, mayhem, violence, sadism, murder, western bad guys, western good guys, private eyes, gangsters, more violence and cartoons."

In 1974, the House Judiciary Committee opened public hearings on whether to recommend the impeachment of President Richard M. Nixon.

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Today-----------CBS News correspondent Mike Wallace is 93, Actress Geraldine McEwan is 79, Rock musician Nokie Edwards (The Ventures) is 76, Actor Albert Finney is 75, Actress-turned-politician Glenda Jackson is 75, Producer-director James L. Brooks is 74, Musician Sonny Curtis (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 74, Singer Tommy Roe is 69, Singer-musician Richie Furay (Buffalo Springfield and Poco) is 67, Actress Candice Bergen is 65, Pop singer Clint Holmes is 65, Actor Anthony Higgins is 64, Singer Billy Joel is 62 and Actress Alley Mills is 60.

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May 9th is:  Accountants Day, Mothers At The Wall Day and Armed Forces Day Military-Amateur Crossband Communications.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!!! I gotta remember this line.....

A cocky student attending freshman orientation at the university took it upon himself to explain to a senior professor why it is impossible for the older generation to understand the younger generation.

"You grew up in a different world," he said, "You didn't have the technology we have today.  We have jet airplanes, rockets and space probes.  We have nuclear energy, hybrid cars, computers, cell phones and so much more."

After a brief silence, the senior professor patted the young man on the shoulder.  "You're right, son.  We didn't have all those things.  So we invented them.  Now, what are you doing for the next generation?"

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In 1611, Sir Thomas Dale arrived in the Virginia Colony, where, as deputy governor, he instituted harsh disciplinary measures to restore order.

In 1775, Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys, along with Col. Benedict Arnold, captured the British-held fortress at Ticonderoga, N.Y.

In 1869, a golden spike was driven in Promontory, Utah, marking the completion of the first transcontinental railroad in the United States.

In 1924, J. Edgar Hoover was given the job of FBI Director.

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Today-----------Author Bel Kaufman ("Up The Down Staircase") is 100, Sportscaster Pat Summerall is 81, Author Barbara Taylor Bradford is 78, Rhythm-and-blues singer Henry Fambrough (The Spinners) is 73, TV-Radio personality Gary Owens is 72, Actor David Clennon is 68, Writer-producer-director Jim Abrahams is 67, Singer Donovan is 65 and Singer Dave Mason is 65.

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May 10th is:  Buddah Day, Lupus Day and Windmill Day.

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And, in remembrance, a recognition of the birthday of my mother, born in Howard on this day in 1904.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------blond?

A woman had a plane ticket in coach, but was sitting in first class.  Two different flight attendants asked her to return to her proper assigned seat, but in each case she refused, saying, "I'm beautiful, I'm talented, I'm on my way to Los Angeles to be a star, and I'm going first-class!"

A third flight attendant decided to try.  He approached the woman, said a few words to her, and she immediately hopped up and walked back to coach.

The first two attendants were amazed.  "What did you say to her?" they both asked at once as the third attendant rejoined them.  "Oh, it was easy," he said.  "I told her that first-class doesn't go to Los Angeles."

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In 1811, conjoined twins Chang and Eng Bunker were born in Siam (now Thailand) giving rise to the term "Siamese twins."

In 1981, legendary reggae artist Bob Marley died in a Miami hospital at age 36.

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Today-----------Comedian Mort Sahl is 84 and Rock singer Eric Burdon (The Animals) is 70.

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Mar 11th is: Eat What You Want Day, Donate A Day's Wages To Charity, National School Nurse Day, National Night Shift Worker's Day and Receptionist's Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------haha

A drunk staggers into a church, sits in the back row, and listens to several minutes of responsive readings in Latin followed by the call for offerings.  He stumbles out and flags down a passing policeman.  Pointing back at the building, he announces, "That is a gambling hall!"

The cop looks, then says, "No, it's not.  It's a church."

The drunk straightens himself as best he can and protests, "I was in there!  A guy up front says, 'I play dominoes,' then everyone in the crowd says, 'I play dominoes,' then another guy goes up and down taking bets."

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In 1932, the body of Charles Lindbergh, Jr., the kidnapped son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh, was found in a wooded area near Hopewell, NJ.

In 1949, the Soviet Union lifted the Berlin Blockade, which the Western powers had succeeded in circumventing with their Berlin Airlift.

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Baseball Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra is 86, Critic John Simon is 86, Composer Burt Bacharach is 83, Actress Millie Perkins is 73, Actress Linda Dano is 68, Singer-musician Steve Winwood is 63, Actor Gabriel Byrne is 61 and Actor Bruce Boxleitner is 61.

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May 12th is:  Fibromyalgia Awareness Day, Hug Your Cat Day, Limerick Day, National Nutty Fudge Day and Odometer Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------haha

Two seniors were discussing the news on the radio about a meth lab that had blown up in a nearby town.  One of the gents said, "We didn't have drug problems when we were young."

The other said, "Well, I had a drug problem.  I was drug to church every week.  I was drug to the woodshed when I misbehaved.  I was drug outside to do chores to earn my allowance.  I was drug to family reunions and community socials and patriotic programs and charitable service events.  Those drugs are still in my system and they influence everything I do.  I'm glad my parents drugged me.  I wish today's parents would drug their children the same way."

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In 1607, English colonists arrived by ship at the site of what became the Jamestown settlement in Virginia.  (The colonists went ashore the next day.)

In 1846, the United States declared that a state of war already existed with Mexico.

In 1961, actor Gary Cooper died in Los Angeles six days after turning 60.

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Today-----------------------Actor Buck Taylor is 73, Actor Harvey Keitel is 72, Author Charles Baxter is 64, Actor Franklyn Ajaye is 62, Actress Zoe Wanamaker is 62 and Singer Stevie Wonder is 61.

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May 13th is:  Blame Someone Else Day, Friday The 13th and Frog Jumping Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------ooooooooooooooooooo.....

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.  Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.  But he was a good worker, charming, well-groomed, sharp as a tack and a real credit to the store's "Older-Person-Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.  "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, and you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your tardiness concerns me."

Charlie dipped his head.  "Yes, I know, sir, and I am working on it," he said.

"Well, that's what I like to hear," the boss said.

There was a long pause, the he added, "I know you're a retired military man.  Tell me, what did they say to you back then when you showed up late?"

Charley lifted his head and smiled, "Well, usually they saluted and said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?'"

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In 1796, English physician Edward Jenner inoculated 8-year-old James Phipps against smallpox by using cowpox matter.

In 1998, singer-actor Frank Sinatra died a a Los Angeles hospital at age 82

In 1998, the hit sitcom "Seinfeld" aired its final episode after nine years on NBC.

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Today-----------Opera singer Patrice Munsel is 86, Rock singer-musician Jack Bruce (Cream) is 68, Movie producer George Lucas is 67 and Actress Meg Foster is 63.

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May 14th is:  International Migratory Bird Day, Letter Carriers Food Drive Day, The Stars and Stripes Forever Day, National Chicken Dance Day, Underground America Day, National Windmill Day, Stay Up All Night, World Belly Dance Day and World Fair Trade Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------GROANER, BIG TIME GROANER

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."

As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way.

Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

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In 1776, Virginia endorsed American independence from Britain.

In 1886, poet Emily Dickinson died in Amherst, MA., at age 55.

In 1930, registered nurse Ellen Church, the first airline stewardess, went on duty aboard an Oakland-to-Chicago flight operated by Boeing Air Transport (a forerunner of United Airlines.)

In 1942, wartime gasoline rationing went into effect in 17 eastern states, limiting sales to three gallons a week for non-essential vehicles.

In 1970, just after midnight, Phillip Lafayette Gibbs and James Earl Green, two black students at Jackson State College in Mississippi, were killed as police opened fire during student protests.

In 1972, George C. Wallace was shot by Arthur Bremer and left paralyzed while campaigning in Laurel, MD., for the democratic presidential nomination.

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Today------------Actress-singer Anna Maria Alberghetti is 75, Former Secretary of State Madeline Albright is 74, Singer Lenny Welch is 73, Actress-singer Lainie Kazan is 71, Country singer K.T. Oslin is 69, Artist-singer-composer-producer Brian Eno is 63 and Singer Trini Lopez is 74.

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May 15th is:  International Day of Families, National Chocolate Chip Day, National Safety Dose Day, Nylon Stockings Day, Peace Officer Memorial Day, National Pizza Party Day, Straw Hat Day, Armed Forces Day and NASCAR Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------almost ashamed, no, I am ashamed to put this one in.

The Los Angeles Dodgers, first major-league baseball team to be based on the West Coast, apparently are about to expand the baseball world again.

The team will continue to play at Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles, but officially will be franchised in and owned by the government of the Philippines.

The pending deal began coming together early in April when Commissioner Bud Selig became involved in quiet negotiations for a transfer of ownership between current boss Frank McCourt and the island nation.

Baseball became popular there during the 1950's and '60's, when millions of young American sailors spent time at the massive U.S. Naval base at Subic Bay.  Those were the glory years for the Dodgers, and Filipinos became ardent fans.

Selig declined to comment on reports that a sticking point in the negotiations is the proposed new name for the team:


The Manila Folders.

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In 1868,  the Senate failed by one vote to convict President Andrew Johnson as it took its first ballot on the 11 articles of impeachment against him.

In 1929, the first Academy Awards were presented.  The movie "Wings" won "best production.  Emil Jannings and Janet Gaynor were named best actor and actress.


In 1939, the government began its first food stamp program in Rochester, NY.

In 1991, Queen Elizabeth II became the first British Monarch to address the United States Congress.

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Today---Actor George Gaynes is 94, Actor Harry Carey Jr. is 90 and Actor Bill Smitrovich is 64.

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May 16th is:  Biographers Day, National Sea Monkeys Day and Victoria Day.

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Larryj
 

[larryJ]

Today's-------------play on words

My friend is an old man and not very attractive widower.  His eyes are sunken, his nose is hooked, and his cheeks are hollow.  His lips are as wrinkled as a prune.  He has a great deal of hair in his ears, but very little on his head.

I'm sorry to say it, but the poor fellow is quite unlucky in love.  Just the other evening I overheard him proposing to a lady at the club.  She turned him down.

She was gracious about it, but it still was a refusal.

I heard my friend say to her, with a long face, "You are the sixth woman to whom I have proposed without avail."

"Well," she replied, "maybe if you were to wear one when making your next proposal, you'll have better luck."

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In 1792, the New York Stock Exchange had its origins as a group of brokers met under a tree on Wall Street.

In 1954, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka, unanimously struck down racially segregated public schools.

In 1961, Cuban leader Fidel Castro offered to release prisoners captured in the Bay of Pigs invasion in exchange for 500 bulldozers.  (The prisoners were eventually freed in exchange for medical supplies.)

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Today-----------Actor Peter Gerety is 71, Singer Taj Mahal is 69, Singer-songwriter Jesse Winchester is 67 and Rock musician Bill Bruford is 62.

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May 17th is:  World Hypertension Day, World Information Society Day and World Telecommunications Day.

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Larryj