another slice of wry

[larryJ]

In looking at the definitiions of some of the days posted for April 30, I found the Beltane is actually a feast day usually celebrated on May 1.

Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

I assume you are telling the truth?

[larryJ]

Yes, Ma'am, my momma allus said, "tell the truth cuz that you can member.  You can't allus member a lie."

Today's-------------------gotcha

A motorist is having lunch at a roadside diner when a dozen motorcycle gang members walk in.  One of the bikers pushes him, another one grabs the potato from his plate and takes a bite out of it, another one takes a drink from his soda and another one gives him an elbow to the ribs.  They all laugh.

The fellow finishes his lunch, quietly, pays his bill and leaves.

One of the bikers jokes to the waitress, "That guy ain't much of a man."

The waitress looks out the window, then replies, "He ain't much of a driver, either.  He just ran over 12 motorcycles on his way out of here."

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In 1898, Commodore George Dewey gave the command, "You may fire when you are ready, Gridley," as an American naval force destroyed a Spanish squadron in Manila Bay during the Spanish-American War.

In 1941, the Orson Welles motion picture "Citizen Kane" premiered in New York.

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Today------------Former astronaut Scott Carpenter is 86, Country singer Sonny James is 82, Singer Judy Collins is 72, Actor Stephen Macht is 69, Actor-director Douglas Barr is 62, Actor Dann Florek is 60 and Singer Rita Coolidge is 66.

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May 1 is:  (Take a deep breath, here)----Amtrak Day, Beltane, Executive Coaching Day, Free Comic Book Day, Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day, Law Day, Lei Day, Loyalty Day, May Day, Mother Goose Day, National Dance Day, New Homeowners Day, School Principles Day, Silver Star Day, World Laughter Day, Stepmother's Day, International Babylost Mother's Day, Motorcycle Mass & Blessing Of The Bikes Day and National Infertility Survival Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------------ooooooooooooooo!

He was a hard-working man, and a good provider, but he routinely got plastered every payday.  This went on for years, and his wife never stopped nagging him about it.  It was his only indulgence, but she never let him hear the end of it.

One time, she decided to scare him.  It was payday.  She knew he would come home late, stumbling drunk.  She dressed up like the devil  with a horned mask, black cape and rusty pitchfork.  When her husband staggered in after midnight, she lunged at him and said, "The hour of judgement is at hand!"

The husband staggered back, but then found his footing.  He rubbed his eyes, took another look, then stood tall and said in a strong voice, "I'm not afraid of you.  I'm married to your sister!"

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In 1611, is the popularly accepted publication date of the Authorized King James Version of the Bible.

In 1941, General Mills began shipping its new cereal, "Cheerioats" to six test markets.  (The cereal was later renamed "Cheerios")

In 1957, Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy, the controversial Republican senator from Wisconsin, died at Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland.

In 1960, Caryl Chessman, who'd become a best-selling author and cause celebre while on death row for kidnapping, rape and robbery, was executed at San Quentin Prison in California.

In 1982, the Weather Channel made its debut.

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Today----------------Actor Theodore Bikel is 87, Singer Engelbert Humperdinck is 75, Actress and political activist Bianca Jagger is 66, Country singer R.C. Bannon is 66, Singer Leslie Gore is 65, Actor David Suchet is 65, Singer-songwriter Larry Gatlin is 63 and Rock singer Lou Gramm (Foreigner) is 61.

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May 2nd is:  Melanoma Monday, National Play Your Ukulele Day and Roberts Rules Of Order Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------hee hee

A guy went to the welfare office to pick up his check.  He told the clerk behind the counter, "You know, I hate drawing welfare.  I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk said, "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening with a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his daughter, who is a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue model.  You'll have to drive her around in a 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL.  You'll be provided with a wardrobe allowance.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."

The guy, bug-eyed with excitement, said, "You're messing with me!"

The clerk said, "Well, you started it!"

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In 1802, Washington, D.C., was incorporated as a city.

In 1911, Wisconsin Governor Francis E. McGovern signed the first U.S. worker's compensation law to withstand constitutional scrutiny.  (Previous attempts in Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana and New York were struck down.

In 1933, Nellie T. Ross became the first female director of the U.S. Mint.

In 1986, in NASA's first post-Challenger launch, an unmanned Delta rocket lost power in its main engine shortly after lift-off, forcing the safety officers to destroy it by remote control.

In 1991  author Jerzy Kosinski was found dead in his New York apartment; he was 57.

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Today------------------Folk singer Pete Seeger is 92, Actress Ann B. Davis is 85, Sports announcer Greg Gumbel is 65, Pop singer Mary Hopkin is 61, Singer Christopher Cross is 60 and Singer Frankie Valli is 77.

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May 3rd is:  Garden Meditation Day, Comfy Rug Day, National Disabled Pets Day, National Special-abled Pets Day, National Two Different Colored Shoes Day, Paranormal Day, Public Radio Day, World Press Freedom Day, Childhood Depression Awareness Day and National Teacher Appreciation Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------uh oh, I smell trouble

A couple was enjoying an all-you-can-eat buffet at a luxury country club restaurant.  The husband went back again and again to the meat-carving station in the other room.  When he stood up  to make his fourth trip, his wife reproved him:  "For Heaven's sake.  You're going back again?  Aren't you embarrassed to be seen eating like a pig?"

Her husband replied, cheerfully, "No, I'm not worried at all.  I just keep telling them it's for you."

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In 1776, Rhode Island declared its independence from England two months before the Declaration of Independence was adopted.

In 1886, at Haymarket Square in Chicago, a labor demonstration for an 8-hour workday turned into a deadly riot when a bomb exploded.

In 1932, mobster Al Capone, convicted of income-tax evasion, entered the federal penitentiary in Atlanta.  (Capone was later transferred to Alcatraz Island.)

In 1959, the first Grammy Awards ceremony was held at the Beverly Hills Hotel.  Domenico Modugno won Record of the Year and Song of the Year for "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu, (Volare)".  Henry Mancini won Album of the Year for "The Music From Peter Gunn."

In 1961, the first group of "Freedom Riders" left Washington, D.C., to challenge racial segregation on interstate buses and in bus terminals.  (The Freedom Riders were repeatedly attacked by violent mobs mostly in Alabama.)

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Today-------------Opera singer Roberta Peters is 81, Jazz musician Ron Carter is 74,Rock musician Dick Dale is 74, Singer-songwriter Nick Ashford is 69, Pop singer Peggy Santiglin (The Angels) is 67, Actor Richard Jenkins is 64, Country singer Stella Parton is 62, Rock musician Darryl Hunt is 61 and Singer Jackie Jackson (The Jacksons) is 60.

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May 4th is:  Great American Grump Day, Intergalactic Star Wars Day, Star Wars Day and Respect For Chickens Day,

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------smart

An old gentleman who lived alone wrote to his son in prison.  "Vincent, I'm getting too old to dig in the yard, so I can't plant tomatoes this year.  I wish you were here to help me, like the old days.  Love, Papa."

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.  "Whatever you do, don't dig in that yard.  That's where the bodies are buried.  Love, Vincent."

At 4 AM the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire yard without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.  "Hope that worked out for you.  It's the best I could do under the circumstances.  Good luck with those tomatoes!"

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In 1925, schoolteacher John T. Scopes was charged in Tennessee with violating a state law that prohibited teaching the theory of evolution.  (Scopes was found guilty, but his conviction was later set aside.)

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy signed a law raising the minimum wage to $1.15 an hour, then to $1.25 an hour, for currently covered workers.

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Today---------------Actress Pat Carroll is 84, Saxophonist Ace Cannon is 77, Country singer-musician Roni Stoneman is 73, Actor Michael Murphy is 73, Actor Lance Henrikson is 71, Comedian-actor Michael Palin is 68, Actor John Rhys-Davies is 67, Actor Roger Rees is 67 and Rock musician Bill Ward (Black Sabbath) is 63.

May 5th is:  Totally Chipotle Day, Cartoonists Day, National Day of Prayer, Childhood Stroke Awareness Day, National Day of Reason, Cinco De Mayo, International Midwives Day, Martin Z. Mollusk Day and Occupational Safety & Health Professionals Day.

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Sadly, Jackie Cooper of "Our Gang" passed away Tuesday in a Beverly Hills hospital after a sudden illness; he was 88.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

yay! Martin Z Mollusk...I know him well!

[larryJ]

Today's-------------groan
 
A man always had wanted a grandfather clock.  He saw one that he liked very much in a store not far from his home.  He saved his money for a long time and finally had enough to purchase the clock.  Unfortunately, he couldn't afford the extra delivery charge.  So he walked to the store, paid his money, hoisted the clock on his back and struggled out to the street for the short walk home.

He made it halfway when a drunk, staggering in the other direction, bumped into him, knocking him to the ground and shattering the grandfather clock to pieces.

The distraught man jumped to his feet and yelled at the drunk, "Can't you watch where you're going?"

The drunk said, defensively, "Well, you're the one taking up the whole sidewalk.  Can't you wear a wristwatch like everyone else?"

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In 1861, Confederate President  Jefferson Davis approved an act passed by the Confederate Congress recognizing that a state of war existed with the United States of America.  Arkansas and Tennessee passed Ordinances of Secession from the Union.  (Arkansas' secession took effect immediately;  Tennessee's was ratified in a popular vote the following month.)

In 1937, the hydrogen-filled German airship Hindenburg burned and crashed in Lakehurst, N.J., killing 35 of the 97 people on board and a Navy crewman on the ground.

In 1960, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Civil Rights Act of 1960.

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Today----Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays is 80, Rock singer Bob Seger is 66, Singer Jimmie Dale Gilmore is 66, Gospel singer-comedian Lulu Roman is 65, Actor Alan Dale is 64 and Actor Ben Masters is 64.

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May 6th is:  Joseph Brackett Day, Military Spouse Appreciation Day, National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancies, No Diet Day, No Homework Day, National Registered Nurses Recognition Day, No Pants Day and Tuba Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------BIG TIME GROANER, DIANE IS GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE.

Many years ago, a young brave left his tribe to attend a trade school in the nearby city.  He became an electrician.

When he returned to the reservation, he remembered the many dark nights he had to stumble on his way to the outhouse.  So he strung some wire and lighted the way.

It was the first time in history that anyone had----------



wait for it



"wired a head for reservations."

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In 1945, Germany signed an unconditional surrender at Allied headquarters in Rheims, France, ending its role in World War II.

In 1975, President Gerald R. Ford formally declared an end to the "Vietnam Era" in Ho Chi Minh City -- formerly Saigon; the Viet Cong celebrated its takeover.

In 1977, Seattle Slew won the Kentucky Derby, the first  of his Triple Crown victories.  (On this day in 2002, Seattle Slew died.)

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Today--------------------Singer Jimmy Ruffin is 72, Actress Robin Strasser is 66, Singer-songwriter Bill Danoff is 75, Singer Thelma Houston is 65 and Rock musician Bill Kreutzmann (Grateful Dead) is 65.

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May 7th is:  (deep breath here) Free Comic Book Day, Astronomy Day, Child Care Provider Day, Join Hands Day, Kentucky Derby, Children's Mental Health Awareness Day, Mother Ocean Day, National Baby sitter's Day, National Home Brew Day, National Scrap booking Day, National Trains Day, Space Day and World Asthma Day.

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Larryj