another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------oh, geez.......

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

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In 1971, Army Lt. William L. Calley was convicted of murdering 22 Vietnamese civilians in the My Lai massacre.  (Calley ended up serving three years under house arrest.)

Also in 1971, A jury in Los Angeles recommended the death penalty for Charles Manson and three female followers for the 1969 Tate-La Bianca murders.  (The sentences were later commuted.)

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Today----------Political commentator John McLaughlin is 84, Author Judith Guest is 75, Comedian Eric Idle is 68, Composer Vangelis is 68, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Walt Frazier is 66 and Singer Bobby Kimball (Toto) is 64,

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March 29th is:  National Mom and Pop Business Owners Day, Knights of Columbus Founders Day and Texas Loves The Children Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------play on words

The young minister was called to a country church with a small congregation.  As part of the deal, he had to take care of yard work and maintenance himself.  The first thing he noticed is that the church desperately needed repainting.  He took money from the church's building fund, bought paint, and got to work.  Many days later, when he was little more than halfway through the project, he realized he would run short on paint.  He was reluctant to tap into church funds again, so he started to thin the paint he was using, to make it go further.  As he neared completion of the job, he had to thin the paint more and more.  When he was done, the church looked much better.  But in a few months it started to look drab again.  Discouraged, he sought an answer in prayer.  "Oh, Lord, what shall I do?"  He heard a still, small voice.


Wait for it-----------


"Repaint, and thin no more!"

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In 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Seward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska for $7.2 million.

In 1981, President Ronald Reagan was shot and seriously wounded outside a Washington, D.C. hotel by John W. Hinckley, Jr.  Also wounded were White House press secretary James Brady; Secret Service agent Timothy McCarthy and District of Columbia police officer Thomas Delahanty.

In 1986, actor James Cagney died at his farm in Stanfordville, N.Y., at age 86.

In 2002, Britain's Queen Mother Elizabeth died in her sleep at Royal Lodge, Windsor, outside London; she was 101 years old.

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Today--------------Game show host Peter Marshall is 85, Actor Richard Dysart is 82, Actor John Astin is 81, Entertainer Rolf Harris (song; "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport") is 81, Actor-director Warren Beatty is 74, Rock Musician Graeme Edge (The Moody Blues) is 70, Rock Musician Eric Clapton is 66, Actor Justin Deas (TV: "Guiding Light") is 63 and Actor Robbie Coltrane is 61.

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March 30th is:  Doctors Day, Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day and Pencil Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------Texans gotta love this one

Church leaders from around the nation met for a spiritual conference and retreat on South Padre Island in Texas.  During a convocation one evening, the guest preacher shouted, "If God called you on the phone, and asked if He could reverse the charges, how much would you be willing to pay for that call from Heaven?"

A woman stood and said, with a South Carolina accent, "I'd pay $100,00 for that call."  A man stood and said, with a Boston accent, "I'd pay $1 million for that call."  Another man stood and said, with a Texas accent, "I reckon I wouldn't pay anything for that call."

Everyone gasped.  The preacher, flabbergasted, said, "Sir, you would not pay anything for a call from Heaven itself?"

The man in the crowd, still standing, said, "No, sir, I would not.  You see, this is Texas.  That's a local call."

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In 1933, Congress approved and President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed, the Emergency Conservation Work Act , which created the Civilian Conservation Corps.

In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson shocked the country by announcing at the conclusion of a broadcast address on Vietnam that he would not seek re-election.

In 1995, Mexican-American singer Selena Quintanilla-Perez, 23, was shot to death in Corpus Christi, Texas by the founder of her fan club, Yolanda Saldivar, who was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.

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Today---------Actress Peggy Rea is 90, Actor William Daniels is 84, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Gordie Howe is 83, Actor Richard Chamberlain is 77, Actress  Shirley Jones is 77, Country singer John D. Loudermilk is 77, Musician Herb Alpert is 76, Actor Christopher Walken is 68, Comedian Gabe Kaplan is 66, Former Vice-President Al Gore is 63, Author David Eisenhower is 63, Actor Ed Marinaro is 61 and Actress Rhea Perlman is 63.

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March 31st is:  Bunsen Burner Day, Mule Day, National "She's Funny That Way" Day and Terri's Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------hah

A small quiet man lived next door to a large, loud-mouthed bully.  He did everything possible to avoid his mean-natured neighbor.

So the bully was quite surprised one day to find the mild-mannered man knocking on his door.

"What do you want?" he bellowed.

"Excuse me," the small man said, wringing his hands.  "Your Chihuahua got into my backyard, and killed my Rottweiler."

"Don't joke with me," the bully roared.  "How is that possible?"

The little man, still wringing his hands, stammered, "I'm so sorry.  It seems your dog got caught in my dog's throat."

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In 1945, American forces launched the amphibious invasion of Okinawa during World War II.

In 1946, tidal waves struck the Hawaiian Islands, resulting in more than 170 deaths.

In 1960, the first true weather satellite, TIROS-1, was launched from Cape Canaveral.  (TIROS stood for Television Infrared Observation Satellite.)

In 1970, President Richard M. Nixon signed a measure banning cigarette advertising on radio and television, to take effect after Jan. 1, 1971

In 1984,  recording star Marvin Gaye was shot to death by his father, Marvin Gaye, Sr. in Los Angeles, the day before his 45th birthday.  (The elder Gaye pleaded guilty to voluntary manslaughter and received probation.)

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Today-------------Actress Jane Powell is 83, Actress Grace Lee Whitney is 81, Actress Debbie Reynolds is 79, Country singer Jim Ed Brown is 77, Actor Don Hastings is 77, Blues singer Eddie King is 73, Actress Ali MacGraw is 73, Rhythm-and-blues singer Rudolph Isley is 72 and Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito is 61.

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Aprill 1st is:  April Fool's Day, Atheist Day, Boomer Bonus Day, Hospital Admitting Clerks Day, International Tatting Day, National Fun Day, National Fun At Work Day, Poetry and Creative Mind Day, Reading Is Funny Day, Sorry Charlie Day, St. Stupid Day and U.S. Air Force Academy Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------be prepared, I always say

Two handymen were talking over lunch.

"I'm going to need a mighty big coffin when I die," one of them said.

"Why is that?" the other replied.

"I want to be buried with all my tools and supplies."

"That's crazy.  You're not going to need your tools and supplies."

"Oh, yes I am.  I know where I'm going, and I want to put in air conditioning."

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In 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon landed in present-day Florida.

In 1792, Congress passed the Coinage Act, which authorized establishment of the U.S. Mint..
In 1811, James Monroe became the seventh U.S. Secretary of State.

In 1865, Confederate president Jefferson Davis and most of his cabinet fled the Confederate capital of Richmond, VA., because of advancing Union forces.

In 1917, President Woodrow Wilson asked Congress to declare war against Germany, saying, "The world must be made safe for democracy."  (Congress declared war four days later.)

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Today---------------Actress Rita Gam is 83, Actress Sharon Acker is 76, Singer Leon Russell is 69, Jazz musician Larry Coryell is 68, Actress Linda Hunt is 66, Singer Emmy Lou Harris is 64, Actor Ron Palillo is 62 and Actress Pamela Reed is 62.

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April 2nd is:  International Pillow Fight Day, International Children's Book Day, World Autism Day, Reconciliation Day and Tangible Karma Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------------good one

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"

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In 1860, the legendary Pony Express began carrying mail between St. Joseph, MO., and Sacramento, CA.

In 1965, Union forces occupied the Confederate capital of Richmond, VA.

In 1882, outlaw Jesse James was shot to death in St. Joseph, MO., by Robert Ford, a member of the James gang.

In 1948, President Harry S. Truman signed into law the Marshall Plan, designed to help European allies rebuild after World War II and resist communism.

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Today--------------Actress-singer Doris Day is 88, Actor William Gaunt is 74, Actor Eric Braeden is 70, Actress Marsha Mason is 69, Singer Wayne Newton is 69 and Singer Tony Orlando is 67.

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March 3rd is:  Pony Express Day, Tweed Day and World Party Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------Smart

John told his boss he had an opportunity to apply for a job closer to home, and asked his boss for a letter of recommendation.

The boss was torn.  John was a terrible worker.  He was lazy and unproductive.  He was a complainer. He always came in late, and always tried to leave early.

The boss was tempted to write a glowing review for him, in hopes of getting rid of him.  On the other hand, he knew it would be totally dishonest, and unfair to the other employer.

He thought for a minute, then reached for a sheet of company letterhead stationery, and wrote down the following:

"TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:  You would be lucky if you could get John to work for you."

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In 1818, Congress decided the flag of the United States would consist of 13 red and white stripes and 20 stars. with a new star to be added for every new state of the Union.

In 1841, President William Henry Harrison succumbed to pneumonia one month after his inaugural, becoming the first U.S. chief executive to die in office.

In 1850, the city of Los Angeles was incorporated.

In 1960, Elvis Presley recorded "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" for RCA Victor.

In 1968, civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr., 39, was shot to death at the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tennessee.

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Today------------Actress Elizabeth Wilson is 90, Bandleader Hugh Masekela is 72, Author Kitty Kelley is 69, Actor Craig T. Nelson is 67, Actor Walter Charles is 66, Country singer Steve Gatlin (The Gatlin Brothers) is 60 and Author-poet Maya Angelou is 83.

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March 4th is:  International Day For Awareness & Assistance in Mine Action, Victims Of Violence Wholly Day, Vitamin C Day and World Rat Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------There is one in every crowd

The rookie reporter was interviewing the famous safari guide during his lecture tour of the United States.  The reporter asked the guide, "Is is true that jungle animals will not harm you if you carry a torch?"

The safari guide stroked his chin thoughtfully, looked the reporter up and down, then replied, "That very much depends, young man, on how fast you are able to carry it."

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In 1614, Pocahontas, daughter of the leader of Powhatan tribe, married English colonist John Rolfe in Virginia.  (A convert to Christianity, she went by the name Lady Rebecca.)

In 1621, the Mayflower sailed from Plymouth Colony in present-day Massachusetts on a month-long return trip to England.

In 1976, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes died in Houston at age 70.

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Today----------Country music producer Cowboy Jack Clement is 80, Former Secretary of State Colin Powell is 74, Country singer Tommy Cash is 71, Actor Michael Moriarty is 70, Pop singer Allan Clarke (The Hollies) is 69, Actor Max Gail is 68, Actress Jane Asher is 65 and Singer Agnetha Faltskog (ABBA) is 61.

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April 5th is:  National Deep Dish Pizza Day and One Day Without Shoes Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------ARE YOU READY FOR A GROANER?

A man went to a doctor for a leg injury.  The doctor, while conducting his examination, noticed that the patient had an unusual tattoo.

The doctor said, "Excuse me for asking, but is that a banjo on your knee?"

(you know where this is going, right?)

The patient replied, "Yes, I come from Alabama."

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In 1862, the Civil War Battle of Shiloh began in Tennessee as Confederate troops launched a surprise attack against Union troops, who beat back the Confederates the next day.

In 1909, American explorers Robert E. Peary and Matthew A. Henson and four Inuits became the first men to reach the North Pole.

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Today----------Composer-conductor Andre Previn is 82, Actor Billy Dee Williams is 74, Actor Roy Thinnes is 73, Movie director Barry Levinson is 69, Actor John Ratzenberger is 64 and Country singer Merle Haggard is 74.

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April 6th is:  Church of Latter Day Saints Day, Army Day, New Beers Eve, Drowsy Driver Awareness Day, National Day of Hope, National Student Athlete Day, Tartan Day, Teflon Day and Paraprofessional Appreciation Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------ouch

A real man is a woman's best friend.  He will never stand her up and never let her down.  He will reassure he when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.  He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do, to live without fear and forget regrets.  He will enable her to express her deepest emotions.  He will make her feel like she's the most beautiful woman in the room.

No, wait...............

It's wine..............

It's wine that does all these things.

Sorry, never mind.

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In 1862, Union forces led by Gen. Ulysses S. Grant defeated the Confederates at the Battle of Shiloh in Tennessee.

In 1948, the World Health Organization was founded in Geneva.

In 1978, President Jimmy Carter announced he was deferring development of the neutron bomb, a high radiation weapon.

In 1983, space shuttle astronauts Story Musgrave and Don Peterson took the first U.S. space walk in almost a decade as they worked in the open cargo bay of Challenger for nearly four hours.

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Today-------------Actor R.G. Armstrong is 94, Sitar player Ravi Shankar is 91, Actor James Garner is 83, Country singer Cal Smith is 79, Actor Wayne Rogers is 78, Country singer Bobby Bare is 76, Rhythm-and-blues singer Charlie Thomas (The Drifters) is 74, Movie director Francis Ford Coppola is 72, TV personality David Frost is 72, Singer Patricia Bennett (The Chiffons) is 64, Singer John Oates is 62 and Singer Janis Ian is 60.

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April 7th is: International Snailpapers Day, International Beaver Day, National Beer Day, No Housework Day, Metric System Day and World Health Organization Day.

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Larryj