another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------smart kid

A young boy was admiring Farmer Smith's tomatoes.  "I'll give you my two cents for that one," said the boy, pointing to a particularly large, ripe specimen.

"No," Farmer Smith said, "I can get ten cents for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a small green one, and said, "Will you take two cents for that one?"

"Yes," the farmer replied, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," the lad said, [putting his coins into Farmer Smith's hand.  I'll be back in a week or two to pick it up."

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In 1809, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States, was born in present-day Larue County, KY.

In 1915, the cornerstone for the Lincoln Memorial was laid in Washington, D.C., a year to the day after groundbreaking.

In 1959, the redesigned Lincoln penny, with an image of the Lincoln Memorial replacing two ears of wheat on the reverse side, went into circulation.

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Today-----------Actor Louis Zorich is 87, Baseball Hall-of-Fame sportscaster Joe Garagiola is 85, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bill Russell is 77, Actor Joe Don Baker is 75, Author Judy Blume is 73, Country Singer Moe Bandy is 67, Actress Maude Adams is 66, Actor Cliff DeYoung is 65 and Actor Michael Ironside is 61.

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February 12th is:  Darwin Day, Daytona Pole Day, Lincoln's Birthday, NAACP Day, Oglethorpe Day, Paul Bunyan Day, and Safety Pup Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------oooooooooh

A woman sat on the 50-yard line at the Super Bowl with an empty seat beside her.  Another woman, seated nearby, leaned over and said to the first woman, "It's hard to believe that someone is letting a prime seat like that go to waste."

The first woman said somberly, "Well, the seat actually belongs to me.  I was supposed to be here with my husband, but he passed away.  This is the first Super Bowl we have not attended together since we were married in 1967."

"Oh, that's so sad," the second woman said.  "Couldn't you find someone else to come with you?  A friend?  A relative?  A neighbor?"

The first woman shook her head.  "No, they're all at the funeral."

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In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was officially declared winner of the 1860 presidential election as electors cast their ballots.

In 1920, the League of Nations recognized the perpetual neutrality of Switzerland.

In 1991, during Operation Desert Storm, allied warplanes destroyed an underground shelter in Baghdad that had been identified as a military command center;  Iraqi officials said 500 civilians were killed.

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Today------Former test pilot Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager is 88, Actress Kim Novak is 78, Actor George Segal is 77, Actress Carol Lynley is 69, Singer-musician Peter Tork (The Monkees) is 69, Actress Stockard Channing is 67, Talk Show host Jerry Springer is 67, Actor Bo Svenson is 67, Singer Peter Gabriel is 61 and Actor David Naughton is 60.

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February 13th is:  Man Day, Employee Legal Awareness Day, Get A Different Name Day, Madly In Love With Me Day and Grammy Awards Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------smart

An old, wrinkled, bald guy was in the next line at the post office.  He carried a large crate.  I could see that the crate was full of pink cards, all neatly addressed, all with "Love" stamps on them.  And I could smell that the cards were perfumed.

I eavesdropped as he made his way to the front of the line.

"Well, well," the postal clerk said.  "What do we have here?"

The man said, matter of factly, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine's Day cards, all of them signed 'Guess who?'"

The clerk said, "Aren't you romantic!"

He shook his head and said, "No, I'm a divorce lawyer."

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In 1778, the American ship Ranger carried the recently adopted Stars and Stripes to a foreign port for the first time as it arrived in France.

In 1903, the Department of Commerce and Labor was established.  (It was divided into separate departments of Commerce and Labor in 1913.)

In 1920, the League of Women Voters was founded in Chicago; it's first president was Maud Wood Park.

In 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in a Chicago garage as seven rivals of Al Capon's gang were gunned down.

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Today-------------TV Personality Hugh Downs is 90, Actress-Singer Florence Henderson is 77, Actor Andrew Prine is 75, Country Singer Razzy Bailey is 72, Jazz musician Maceo Parker is 68, Move director Alan Parker is 67, Journalist Carl Bernstein is 67, TV personality Pat O'Brien is 63 and Magician Teller (Penn and Teller) is 63.

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February 14th is:  (Hang on) Clean Out Your Computer Day, Ferris Wheel Day, National Have a Heart Day, National Condom Day, (World) Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day, League of Women Voter's Day, National Women's Heart Day, National Call In Day, National Donor Day, Race Relations Day, Quirky Alone Day, World Marriage Day, Shrovetide (14-16), Westminster Dog Day (14-15) and of course, Valentine's Day.  Happy Valentines to all of you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------------------------ouch

An usher in a small town movie theater in a small Midwestern town noticed a man sprawled across three seats.  He approached and said, "Sorry, sir, but you only are allowed the one seat."  The man mumbled  something but didn't budge.

The usher fetched the manager.  The manager also had no luck rousing the man, despite repeated attempts.  The manager called the police.

The cop surveyed the situation, then shook the man.  "OK, buddy, what's your name?"

The man moaned and groaned and mumbled, "Sam."

The cop said, "Sam, where are you from?"

Sam replied, "The balcony."

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In 1820, American suffragist Susan B. Anthony was born in Adams, MA.

In 1879. President Rutherford B. Hayes signed a bill allowing female attorneys to argue cases before the Supreme Court.

In 1933. President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt escaped an assassination attempt in Miami that mortally wounded Chicago Mayor Anton J. Cermak;  gunman Giuseppe Zangara was executed more than four weeks later.

In 1961. 73 people, including an 18-member U.S. figure skating team en route to the World Championships in Czechoslovakia, were killed in the crash of a Sabena Airlines Boeing 707 in Belgium.

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Today-------------Actor Allan Arbus is 93, Actress Claire Bloom is 80, Author Susan Brownmiller is 76, Songwriter Brian Holland is 70, Jazz musician Henry Threadgill is 67, Actress Jane Seymour is 60 and Singer Melissa Manchester is 60.

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Februay 15th is:  Lupercalia, Susan B. Anthony Day and National Gum Drop Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------this one for sure is going to get me in deep trouble, but I'm posting it anyway.

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing..........................
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing!

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In 1862, during the Civil War, some 14,000 Confederate soldiers surrendered at Fort Donelson, Tennessee; (Union General Ulysses S. Grant's victory earned him the nickname "Unconditional Surrender Grant.")

In 1868, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks was organized in New York City.

In 1945, American troops landed on the island of Corregidor in the Philippines during World War II.

In 1961, the United States launched the Explorer 9 satellite.

In 1968, the nation's first 911 emergency telephone system was inaugurated, in Haleyville, Alabama.

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Today-------------Singer Patty Andrews is 93, Actor Jeremy Bulloch is 65 and Actor William Katt is 60.

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February 16 is: Kyoto Protocol Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------Hee Hee

The Indians asked their chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not.  Not really knowing an answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?"  The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."  So the chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again.  "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"  "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."  So the chief goes back to his people and orders them to collect every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again:  "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"  The man replies, "Are you kidding?  The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

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In 1801, the U.S. House of Representatives broke an electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr, electing Jefferson president.  Burr became vice president.

In 1864, during the Civil War, the Union ship USS Housatonic was rammed and sunk in Charleston Harbor, SC, by the Confederate hand-cranked submarine H.L. Hundley, which also sank.

In 1897, the forerunner of the National PTA, the National Congress of Mothers, convened its first meeting in Washington.

In 1964, the Supreme Court, in Wesberry v. Sanders, ruled that congressional districts within each state had to be roughly equal in population.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon departed n his historic trip to China.

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Today-----------------Bandleader Orrin Tucker is 100. Actor Hal Holbrook is 86, Mystery writer Ruth Rendell is 81, Singer Bobby Lewis is 78, Country singer-songwriter Johnny Bush is 76, Actress Christina Pickles is 76, Actress Mary Ann Mobley is 72, Actress Brenda Fricker is 66 and Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Brown is 75.

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February 17th is:  My Way Day, National PTA Founders Day and World Human Spirit Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------yuck

A tourist arrives in Seattle and it's raining.

He gets up the next day and it's raining.  It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.

On the fifth day, it's raining again.  He goes out to lunch and he asks the waitress, "Hey, does it ever stop raining around here?"

The waitress says, "How would I know?  I'm only 23."

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In 1861, Jefferson Davis was sworn in as provisional president of the Confederate States of America in Montgomery, Alabama.

In 1885, Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published in the U.S. for the first time.

In 1930, photographic evidence of Pluto (now designated a "dwarf planet") was discovered by Clyde W. Tombaugh at Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona.

In 1960. the 8th Winter Olympic games were formally opened in Squaw Valley by Vice President Richard M. Nixon.

In 1970, the "Chicago Seven" defendants were found not guilty of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic national convention; five were convicted of violating the Anti-Riot Act of 1968 (those convictions were later reversed.)

In 1977, the space shuttle Enterprise, sitting atop a Boeing 747, went on its maiden "flight" above the Mojave Desert.

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Today----------Former Cosmopolitan Editor Helen Gurley Brown is 89, Actor George Kennedy is 86, Author Toni Morrison is 80, Singer Yoko Ono is 78, Singer Irma Thomas is 70, Singer Herman Santiago (Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers) is 70, Singer Dennis DeYoung is 64, Actress Sinead Cusack is 63 and Actress Cybil Shepherd is 61.

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Febrary 18th is:  Battery Day, Pluto Day and Perigean Spring Tide Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------Hmmm, let me think

The curious little boy asked his mother, "So, if Santa Claus brings all the presents, and God gives us our daily bread, and the stork delivers the babies, what does Daddy do around here?"

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In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt authorized the military to relocate and intern U.S. residents, including native-born Americans of Japanese ancestry.

In 1945, during World War II, some 30,000 U.S. Marines began landing on Iwo Jima, where they commenced a successful month-long battle to seize control of the island from Japanese forces.

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Today------Singer Smoky Robinson is 71, Singer Bobby Rogers (Smoky Robinson and the Miracles) is 71, Actress Carlin Glynn is 71, Singer Lou Christie is 68 and Actor Michael Nader is 66.

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February 19th is:  Clam Chowder Day, Chocolate Mint Day, World Day for Social Justice, Iwo Jima Day, Love your pet day, Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day and Daytona 500.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Addendum-----Apparently the Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day is actually celebrated on Feb. 20, according to the Internet.  I had to look it up to see what it was.  Since I did, I will share it with you. 

Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo day is the day when all the town's citizens go outside at high noon and shout, "Hoodie Hoo" to chase away the winter in preparation for the arrival of spring in one month.  People are known to get a little weird on this day, wearing crazy hats and doing stupid things. 

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------hah

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.  The bartender says, "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here."  The guy goes to a second bar, and the same thing happens.  He goes to a third bar, but this time he puts on a pair of dark glasses.  The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow dogs."  The guy protests, "But this is my seeing eye dog."  The bartender says, "Sir, your dog is a chihuahua."  The guy exclaims, "They gave me a CHIHUAHUA!?"

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In 1950, the U.S. Supreme Court in  United States vs. Rabinowitz, ruled 5-3 that authorities making a lawful arrest did not need a warrant to search and seize evidence in an area that was in the "immediate and complete control" of the suspect.

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Today-----------------Fashion designer Gloria Vanderbilt is 87, Actor Sidney Poitier is 84, Racing Hall-of-Famer Bobby Unser is 77. Racing Hall-of-Famer Roger Penske is 74, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Phil Esposito is 69, Actress Sandy Duncan is 65, Rock musician J. Geils is 65 and Actor Peter Strauss is 64.

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There are times, and I know this is truly hard to believe, but I goofed yesterday.  All of the daily celebrations posted yesterday, with the exception of the landing at Iwo Jima are actually supposed to be today.  Hence, my confusion about Hoodie Hoo day being on the 20th rather than the 19th.

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Larryj