another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------------this originally appeared as a blond joke

An out-of-work handyman, new to this country and with limited English language skills, knocks on the door of a hilltop mansion and asks if there is any work he can do for a little money.  The distracted owner, studying e-mail on his IPhone, glances at him and says, "Can you paint?"

"I paint anything."

"OK, you can paint the porch in back.  You'll find some all-weather green paint in the garage."

The handyman goes back to the garage, admires a very expensive sports car parked there, locates the paint and gets to work.

When he is finished, he reports back to the front door.  The still distracted owner, this time talking on the phone, hands him a $100 bill and dismisses him with a wave.  The pleased handyman bows deeply and says, "Thank you very much, sir!"

The owner starts to close the door.  The handyman adds, "By the way, it's not a Porsche.  It's a Ferrari."

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In 1784, the United States ratified a peace treaty with England, ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1963, George C. Wallace was sworn in as governor of Alabama with a pledge of "segregation forever."

In 1969, 27 people aboard the USS Enterprise off Hawaii, were killed when a rocket warhead exploded, setting off a fire and additional explosions.

In 1970, Diana Ross and the Supremes performed their last concert together at the Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas.

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Today---------------CBS commentator Andy Rooney is 92, Blues singer Clarence Carter is 75, Country singer Billy Jo Spears is 74, Singer Jack Jones is 73, Actress Faye Dunaway is 70, Actress Holland Taylor is 68, Actor Carl Weathers is 63 and Singer-producer T-Bone Burnett is 63.

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January 14th is Caesarian Section Day, (they have a day for that?), Dress Up Your Pet Day, Organize Your House Day and Ratification Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------typos can ruin your day

Hectic scheduling prevented a Minnesota couple from flying together on their vacation trip to Florida.  The husband flew on Thursday.  His wife planned to fly down the following day.  The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in the room, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail.  Unfortunately, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address.............

In another part of the country, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  She decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolences from loved ones.  After reading the first message, she fainted on the floor.

Fortunately, her son heard the fall and rushed into the room.  While he tended to his mother, he glanced up at the computer screen, which read: 

To:  My dear wife
From:  Your dear husband
Subject:  I've arrived

You may be surprised to hear from me.  They have computers!  I just checked in, and I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  See you then.

P.S.   Sure is hot down here!

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In 1844, the University of Notre Dame received its charter from the state of Indiana.

In 1929, civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. was born in Atlanta.

In 1947, the mutilated remains of 22-year-old Elizabeth Short, who came to be known as the "Black Dahlia" were found in a vacant lot in Los Angeles;  her slaying is unsolved.

In 1961, a U.S. Air Force radar tower off the New Jersey coast collapsed into the Atlantic Ocean during a severe storm, killing all 28 men aboard.  (The structure was known as "Texas Tower 4" because of its resemblance to an oil platform.)

IN 1967, the Green Bay Packers of the National Football League defeated the Kansas City Chiefs of the American Football League 35-10 in the first AFL-NFL World Championship Game, retroactively known as Super Bowl I.

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Today-----------------Actress Margaret O'Brien is 74 and Actress Andrea Martin is 64.

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January 15th is Bald Eagle Appreciation Day and Humanitarian Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------wasn't even close to being funny, back to the archives

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

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In 1935, fugitive gangster Fred Barker and his mother, Kate "Ma" Barker were killed in a shootout with the FBI at Lake Weir, Florida.

In 1978, NASA named 35 candidates to fly on the space shuttle, including Sally K. Ride, who became America's first woman in space, and Guion S. Bluford Jr. who became America's first black astronaut in space.

In 1991, the White House announced the start of Operation Desert Storm to drive Iraqi forces out of Kuwait.  In an address to the nation, President George H.W. Bush declared, "The battle has been joined."

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Today-----------------Author William Kennedy is 83, Hall-of-Fame Racer A.J. Foyt is 76, Singer Barbara Lynn is 69, Country singer Ronnie Milsap is 68, Country singer Jim Stafford is 67, Talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger is 64 and Actress-dancer-choreographer Debbie Allen is 61.

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January 16th is Appreciate a Dragon Day, Golden Globe Awards, Nothing Day, Religious Freedom Day, and World Religion Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------Hah

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Where did I come from?"

Mom, startled, put a hand on the counter to steady herself.  She took several measured breaths.  She pondered what to say.

The boy was only five, but Mom decided, after a moment's thought, that it's never too early for a youngster to learn the truth.  She took a deep breath, sat down with the boy and patiently told him everything.  She explained the whole process in great detail.  She left nothing out.

When she was finished, Johnny's eyes were wide.  He clearly was amazed by what he had heard, but he also looked a bit confused.

"OK," he said.  "Susie, across the street, told me she was from Florida, so I was just wondering.

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In 1893, Hawaii's monarchy was overthrown as a group of businessmen and sugar planters forced Queen Lili'uokalani to abdicate.

In 1961, President Dwight D. Eisenhower delivered his farewell address, in which he warned, "We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex.  The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist."

In 1977, convicted murderer Gary Gilmore, 36, was shot by a firing squad at Utah State Prison in the first U.S. execution in a decade.

In 1989, five children were shot to death at the Cleveland Elementary School in Stockton by a drifter, Patrick Purdy, who then killed himself.

IN 1994, a 6.7 magnitude earthquake struck Southern California, killing at least 72 people.

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Today--------Actress Betty White is 89. Hairdresser Vidal Sassoon is 83, Actor James Earl Jones is 80, Talk show host Maury Povich is 72, Pop singer Chris Montez is 69 and International Boxing Hall-of-Famer Muhammad Ali is 69.

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January 17 is:  Cable Car Day, Customer Service Day, Hot Heads Chili Day (17-18), Judgement Day, Kid Inventors Day and Martin Luther King Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------watch what or how you say something

The words or phrases we use do not always convey the true meaning of what we are trying to say.

Not long ago, my wife and I went to visit our friend, Elayne.  If you asked "Central Casting" for a 70-something, church-going grandmother, they would send either Andy Griffith's Aunt Bee from Mayberry, or Elayne.

As we entered Elayne's house, she said, "It's a little chilly.  I thought a fire would be nice while we visited.  But I couldn't get on the floor and turn on the gas jet."

I said, "Well, I can still get down on the floor and turn on a gas jet."  So I did,and soon after, we had a nice fire burning.

A few hours later, my wife and Elayne and I were standing in the doorway saying our goodbyes.  I said, "Thanks for a very nice afternoon.  I really enjoyed it."

Elayne said, "I also enjoyed it.  And I want to thank you for lighting my fire."

She paused, started to laugh, and said, "Did I really say that?"

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In 1778, English navigator Captain James Cook reached the Hawaiian Islands, which he dubbed the "Sandwich Islands."

In 1949, Charles Ponzi, engineer of one of the most spectacular swindles in history, died destitute at a hospital in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, at age 66.

In 1957, a trio of B-52s completed the first non-stop round-the-world flight by jet planes, landing at March Air Force Base in California after more than 45 hours aloft.

In 1967, Albert DeSalvo, who claimed to be the "Boston Strangler," was convicted in Cambridge, MA, of armed robbery, assault and sex offenses.  (Sentenced to life, DeSalvo was killed in prison is 1973.)

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Today----------------Movie director John Boorman is 78, Former Senator Paul Kirk (D-Mass) is 73 and Singer-songwriter Bobby Goldsboro is 70.

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January 18th is Do Dah Parade Day, Winnie the Pooh Day, Thesaurus Day, National Sanctity of Human Life (or Pro-life) Day and Rid the World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------oops

The airline passengers were seated with their seat belts securely fastened.  The cabin doors were closed and locked.  The plane was moving into position for takeoff.  The announcement came on the speakers.

Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen, you are on the world's first fully automated airline flight.  There are no human pilots in the cockpit!  Thanks to state-of-the-art computer technology, this is the safest aircraft ever.

You may be confident that nothing can go wrong.............

go wrong......
go wrong......
go wrong......

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In 1807, Confederate general Robert E. Lee was born in Westmoreland County, VA.

In 1861, Georgia became the fifth state to secede from the Union as delegates to a special convention in Milledgeville (then the capital) voted 208-89 for separation.

n 1937, millionaire Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record by flying his monoplane from Los Angeles  to Newark, NJ, in 7 hours, 28 minutes and 25 seconds.

In 1955, a presidential news conference was filmed for television for the first time, with the approval of President Dwight D. Eisenhower.

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Today------------Actress Jean Stapleton is 88, Actor Fritz Weaver is 85, Former PBS newsman Robert MacNeil is 80, Actor-singer Michael Crawford is 69, Actress Shelley Fabares is 67, Country singer Dolly Parton is 65, TV chef Paula Deen is 64 and Actress Tippi Hedren is 81.

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January 19th is Tin Can Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------hah

Three guys in adjoining beds in a hospital ward were bored.  They decided to play poker.  They didn't have playing cards, but  they were resourceful.  They used the medical charts that were hanging at the foot of each of their beds.  They put the charts in a pile, shuffled them, then dealt each of themselves a five card hand.

The first man said, "I have two pairs:  Two tetanus shots and two aspirins."  The second man said, "I can do better than that.  I have three sponge baths."  The third man said, "I have you both beat.  I have five enemas, and if that ain't a royal flush, I don't know what is."

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In 1961, John F. Kennedy was inaugurated as the 35th President of the United States; in his inaugural address, Kennedy declared, "Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty."

In 1981, Iran released 52 Americans it had held hostage for 444 days, minutes after the presidency had passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan.

In 2009, Barack Obama was sworn in as the nation's 44th president.

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Today-------------Country singer Slim Whitman is 87, Comedian Arte Johnson is 82, Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin is 81, Olympic gold medal skater Carol Heiss is 71, Singer Eric Stewart is 66 and Actor Daniel Benzall is 61.

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January 20th is Camcorder Day, Get to Know Your Customers Day, Inauguration Day, National Disc Jockey Day, Women in Blue Jeans Day, Women's Healthy Weight Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------gotcha

A man is out for a walk.  Another man strops his car and asks for directions to Pine Street.

The pedestrian says, "Keep going two blocks and turn right."

The motorist says, "Thank you so much!  Are you a church-going man?"

The pedestrian says, "Absolutely not."

The motorist says, "Well, I am the pastor of the Downtown Central Church.  I hope you'll visit us some time.  We'll help you find the way to heaven."

The pedestrian grunted, then said, "So, you know where heaven is, but you can't find Pine Street?"

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In 1861, Jefferson Davis of Mississippi and four other Southerners whose states had seceded from the Union resigned from the U.S. Senate.

In 1968, The Battle of Khe Sanh began during the Vietnam War as North Vietnamese forces attacked a U.S. Marine base; the Americans were able to hold their position until the siege was over 2 1/2 months later.  Also, in Greenland, an American B-52 bomber crashed, killing one crew member and scattering radioactive material.

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Today---------------------Actress Ann Wedgeworth is 77. World Golf Hall-of-Famer Jack Nicklaus is 71, Opera singer Placido Domingo is 70, Singer Richie Havens is 70, Singer Mac Davis is 69, Actress Jill Eikenberry is 64 and Singer-songwriter Billy Ocean is 61.

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January 21st is (my favorite) National Hugging Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------another oops

While on a road trip, the elderly couple stopped at a cafe.  They enjoyed a quick lunch, then hit the road again.  Almost an hour later, the woman realized she had left her prescription reading glasses at the restaurant.

All the way back, her husband fussed and complained and scolded his wife.  The more she apologized, the more agitated he seemed to become.  He was relentless.  He wouldn't let up for a moment.

Finally, they arrived back at the restaurant.  The poor woman hurried out of the car and headed for the entrance.  Her husband called out the window, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

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In 1917, President Woodrow Wilson pleaded for an end to war in Europe, calling for "peace without victory."  (By April, however, America also was at war.)

In 1944, during World War II, Allied forces began landing at Anzio, Italy.

In 1973, former President Lyndon B. Johnson  died at age 64.

In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court, in its Roe vs. Wade decision, legalized abortions using a trimester approach.

In 2008, actor Heath Ledger was found dead of an accidental prescription overdose in New York City; he was 28.

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Today--------------Former Sen. Birch Bayh (D-Ind) is 83, Actress Piper Laurie is 79, Actor Seymour Cassel is 76, Author Joseph Wambaugh is 74, Actor John Hurt is 71,  and Singer Steve Perry is 62.

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January 22nd is:  AFRMA Fancy Rat and Mouse Day, Answer Your Cat's Questions Day, Celebration of Life Day and Roe vs. Wade Day.
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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------how true

An IRS agent died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.  Three clergymen, also newly deceased, were ahead of him in line.  St. Peter motioned the clerics to step aside and invited the IRS agent to come forward.  Putting an arm around his shoulders, St. Peter immediately ushered the man into Heaven.

When he returned to his station, the astonished clerics objected, "St. Peter," one of them said, "why did you let an IRS agent go before us?  We are men of God!"

St. Peter said, "That guy scared the hell out of more people than the three of you combined!"

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In 1932, New York Gov. Franklin D. Roosevelt announced his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination.

In 1964, the 24th amendment to the Constitution, eliminating the poll tax in federal elections, was ratified.

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Today------------Actress Jeanne Moreau is 83, Actress Chita Rivera is 78, Actor-director Lou Antonio is 77, Actor Gil Gerard is 68, Actor Rutger Hauer is 67, Singer Anita Pointer is 63 and Actor Richard Dean Anderson is 61.

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January 23rd is:  National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day and Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day.

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Larryj