another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------extortion?

Bratty Bart sat down to write out his Christmas list.  He decided to go over Santa's head.

"Dear Jesus," he wrote, "If I get the following presents, I won't fight with anyone for a whole year......"

Then he thought to himself, "I can't keep that promise," so he tore up the paper and started over.

"Dear Jesus," he wrote, "If I get the following presents, I will eat all my vegetables for a whole year......"

He paused.  "I can't keep that promise either," he thought.  He balled up the paper and tossed it in the trash.

After some thought, he went to the living room, removed the figurine of the Virgin Mary from the fireplace mantel, wrapped it in a towel and hid it in the back corner of his bedroom closet.

"Dear Jesus," he then wrote.  "If you ever want to see your mother again........"

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In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, abolishing slavery, was declared in effect by Secretary of State William H. Seward.

In 1944, in a pair of rulings, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the wartime relocation of Japanese-Americans, but also said undeniably loyal Americans of Japanese ancestry could not continue to be detained.

In 1972, the United States began heavy bombing of North Vietnamese targets during the Vietnam War.  (The bombardment ended 11 days later.)

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Today---------Television writer-producer Hal Kanter is 92, Blues musician Lonnie Brooks is 77, Actor Roger Mosley is 72, Rock singer-musician Keith Richards is 67, Movie producer-director Steven Spielberg is 64 and Movie reviewer Leonard Maltin is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------no mention of the word blond

The day before Christmas a newspaper food editor took a call from a lady who asked how long to roast a 20-pound turkey.

"Just a minute," the editor said as he turned to consult the chart on his bulletin board.

"OK, thanks," said the caller, hanging up.

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In 1777, Gen. George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, PA, to camp for the winter.

In 1950. Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower was named commander of the military forces of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

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Today------------Country singer Little Jimmy Dickens is 90, Rhythm-and-blues singer-musician Maurice White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 69, Actress Elaine Joyce is 67, Actor Tim Reid is 66, Singer Janie Fricke is 63 and Actress Cicely Tyson is 77.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------from the mouths of babes

A mall Santa asked the little boy what he wanted for Christmas, and the lad answered, "An electric train."

Santa said, "You know, if I bring you an electric train, your daddy will want to play with it, too.  So let me ask you again.  What would you like for Christmas?"

The little boy thought a moment, then said, brightly, "Two electric trains."

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In 1790, the first successful cotton mill in the United States began operating at Pawtucket, R.I.

In 1963, the Berlin Wall was opened for the first time to West Berliners, who were allowed one-day visits to relatives in the Eastern sector for the holidays.

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Today-----------Actress Audrey Totter is 93, Comedian Charlie Callas is 83, Actor John Hillerman is 78, Actress Kathryn Joosten is 71, Rock musician Peter Criss is 65, Producer Dick Wolf ("Law and Order") is 64, Rock musician Alan Parsons is 62 and Psychic-illusionist Uri Geller is 64.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------be careful what you wish for

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

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In 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at present-day Plymouth, Mass.

In 1940. author F. Scott Fitzgerald died in Hollywood, CA, at age 44.

In 1945, Gen. George S. Patton died in Heidelberg, Germany, of injuries from a car accident.

In 1968, Apollo 8 was launched on a mission to orbit the moon.

In 1976, the Liberian-registered tanker Argo Merchant broke apart near Nantucket Island, off Massachusetts, almost a week after running aground, spilling 7.5 million gallons of oil into the North Atlantic

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Today----------Country singer Freddie Hart is 84, College Football Hall-of-Fame coach Joe Paterno is 84, Talk Show host Phil Donahue is 75, Singer Carla Thomas is 68, Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 62 and Actress Jane Fonda is 73.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------Hah

The Christmas sermon was titled "Onward Christian Soldiers."  Afterward the pastor, greeting parishioners at the door, grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

"Jack," he said, "I pray that one day you will join the Army of the Lord!"

Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

The pastor responded, "Why don't I see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

Jack leaned in and whispered, "I'm in the secret service."

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In 1864, Union Gen. William T. Sherman said in a message to President Abraham Lincoln: "I beg to present you as a Christmas gift the city of Savannah."

In 1910, a fire lasting more than 26 hours broke out at the Chicago Union Stock Yards; 21 firefighters were killed in the collapse of a burning building.

In 1944, during the Battle of the Bulge, Brigadier General Anthony C. McAuliffe rejected a German demand for surrender, writing "Nuts" in his official reply.

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Today--------Actor Hector Elizondo is 74, Country singer Red Steagall is 72, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Steve Carlton is 66, ABC News anchor Diane Sawyer is 65, Singer Robin Gibb is 61 and Baseball All-Star Steve Garvey is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------c'mon!  which is it?

The preacher shaking his fist, said, "I predict the end of the world in 50 million years!"

"How many?" cried a frightened voice from the back of the sanctuary.

"I said 50 million years!"

"Whew!" replied the person at the back, with a heavy sigh of relief.  "I thought you said 15 million."

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In 1823. the poem "Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas"  was published anonymously in the Troy (N.Y.) Sentinel;  the verse, more popularly known as "Twas the Night Before Christmas" was later attributed to Clement C. Moore.

In 1968, 82 members of the U.S. intelligence ship Pueblo were released by North Korea, 11 months after they had been captured.

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Today----------Actor Gerald S. O'Loughlin is 89, Actor Ronnie Schell is 79. Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Paul Hornung is 75, Actor Frederick Forest is 74, Actor James Stacy is 74, Actor-comedian Harry Shearer is 67, Gen. Wesley K. Clark (ret) is 66, and Actress Susan Lucci is 64.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------This kid is no dummy

A young boy is praying upstairs, kneeling by his bedside.  His parents and grandfather are sitting downstairs.  The boy says, in a voice that grows louder by the word, "Please, God, for Christmas I want a train set, a remote control airplane, and A BRAND NEW BICYCLE!

His mother calls up, "You don't have to shout, dear, God is not deaf."

The boy calls down, "I know.  But Grandpa is."

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In 1865, several veterans of the Confederate Army formed a private social club in Pulaski, Tenn., called the Ku Klux Klan.

In 1968, the Apollo 8 astronauts, orbiting the moon, read passages from the Old Testament Book of Genesis during a Christmas Eve telecast.

In 1980, Americans remembered the U.S. hostages in Iran by burning  candles or shining lights for 417 seconds -- one second for each day of captivity. 

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Today----------Songwriter-bandleader Dave Bartholomew is 90, Author Mary Higgins Clark is 83 and Recording Company executive Mike  Curb is 66.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------a promise is a promise

On Christmas Day, the pastor happened to notice that the Baby Jesus had gone missing from the Nativity Scene outside the church.

Next, he noticed a young boy pulling a red wagon.  In the wagon was the Baby Jesus.

The pastor approached the boy and asked, "Hello, son, where did you get the Baby Jesus?"

The boy answered honestly, "From the church."

"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.

"Well," said the boy, "I prayed to Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas.  I said if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."

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In 1818, "Silent Night" written by Franz Gruber and Father Joseph Mohr, was performed for the first time at the Church of St. Nikolaus in Oberndorf, Austria.

In 1990, the World Wide Web, the system providing quick access to websites over the Internet, was born in Geneva, Switzerland, as computer scientists Tim Bernier-Lee and Robert Cailliau created the world's first hyperlinked webpage.

In 1995, singer Dean Martin died at his Beverly Hills home at age 78.

In 2006 James Brown, the "Godfather of Soul," died of heart failure in Atlanta at age 73.

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Today------------Singer Tony Martin is 97, Actor Dick Miller is 82, Author Anne Roiphe is 75, Actress Hanna Schygulla is 67, Actor Gary Sandy is 65, Singer Jimmy Buffet is 64, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Larry Csonka is 64, Country singer Barbara Mandrell is 62 and Actress Sissy Spacek is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------yep

"Whenever I get a cold I buy a flask of whiskey for it, and within a few hours it's gone."

"My, that's a very quick way to get rid of a cold."

"The cold? No, no, it's the whiskey that's gone."

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In 1908, Jack Johnson became the first African-American boxer to win the world heavyweight championship as he defeated Canadian Tommy Burns in Sydney, Australia.

In 2004, some 230,000 people, mostly in southern Asia, were killed by a tsunami triggered by the world's most powerful earthquake in 40 years beneath the Indian Ocean.

In 2006, former President Gerald R. Ford died in Rancho Mirage, CA., at age 93.

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Today------Actor Donald Moffet is 80, Actor Caroll Spinney (Big Bird on TV's "Sesame Street") is 77, Record Producer Phil Spector is 71, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Carlton Fiske is 63, Retired MLB All-Star Chris Chambliss is 62 and "America's Most Wanted" John Walsh is 65.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------uh, wait a minute----------

My friend Kathy announced she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on during the holidays.  I'm not sure how serious she is, though.

"Good!" I exclaimed, when she told me her news.  "I'm ready to start a diet, too.  We can be dieting buddies and help each other stick to our resolutions.  When I feel an uncontrollable urge to go get a burger and fries, I'll call you for help."

"Great!" she replied.  "We can go in my car!"

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In 1945, 28 nations signed an agreement creating the World Bank.

In 1968, Apollo 8 and its three astronauts made a sage, nighttime splashdown in the Pacific.

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Today--------------Actor John Amos is 71, ABC News correspondent Cokie Roberts is 67, Singer Tracy Nelson is 66, Actor Gerard Depardieu is 62 and Jazz singer-musician T.S. Monk is 61.

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Larryj