another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------------Oh dear.

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,

"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

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In 1941, the United States entered World War II as Congress declared war against Japan, a day after the attack on Pearl Harbor.

In 1980, rock star John Lennon was shot to death outside his New York City apartment building by an apparently deranged fan.

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Today---------Actor-director Maximilian Schell is 80, Flutist James Galway is 71, Singer Jerry Butler is 71, Pop musician Bobby Elliot (The Hollies) is 69, Actress Mary Woronov is 67, Actor John Rubenstein is 64 and Rock singer musician Gregg Allman is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------what about the usher and concession guy?

The manager of a touring theatrical company e-mailed ahead to the proprietor of the theater in a small town where the troupe was due to appear.

"Would like to hold rehearsal Monday afternoon at 3, please," the e-mail said, "Have your stage manager, prop manager, carpenter, electrician and all stage hands present at that hour."

A little while later he received the following reply by e-mail; "OK, He'll be there."

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In 1958, the anti-communist John Birch Society was formed in Indianapolis.

In 1960, the Domino's Pizza chain had its beginnings as brothers Tom and James Monaghan started operating a pizzeria in Ypsilanti, Michigan.

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Today-----------Actor Dick Van Patten is 82, Actor-writer Buck Henry is 80. Actress Dame Judy Dench is 76, Actor Beau Bridges is 69, Football Hall-of-famer Dick Butkus is 68, Actor Michael Nouri is 65 and Actor Kirk Douglas is 94.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------this one stinks

"Is it fresh?" asked a woman at the fish counter, scrutinizing the somewhat malodorous whole salmon with obvious suspicion.

"Fresh?" the counter man relied.  "Why, ma'am, just look at it."

Then, turning to the fish, he said, sternly, "Lie still, why can't you?  Lie still!"

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In 1884, Mark Twain's novel "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was first published in Canada as well as England.  (The book was not released in the United States until February 1885.)

In 1910, the U.S. Census Bureau reported that the population of the United States stood at 91,972,266.

In 1964, Martin Luther King, Jr. received his Nobel Peace Prize.

In 1967, singer Otis Redding, 26, and six others were killed when their plane crashed into Wisconsin's Lake Monona.

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Today-------------Actor Tommy Kirk is 69, Actress Fionnula Flanagan is 69, Pop singer Chad Stuart (Chad and Jeremy) is 69, Actress-singer Gloria Loring is 64 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Ralph Tavares is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------home sweet home

A mid-morning Southland earthquake sent City Council members scattering unceremoniously from the building.  All save the City Clerk, a punctilious person who believed in rules and regulations, and who was determined to give the meeting's minutes a properly official conclusion.

Finally, after great thought, the clerk composed this masterpiece.

"On motion of City Hall, the council adjourned."

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In 1936, Britain's King Edward VIII abdicated to marry American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.

In 1941, Germany and Italy declared war on the United States; the U.S. responded in kind.

In 1946, the United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) was established.

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Today-------------Actress Rita Moreno is 79, Actress Donna Mills is 68, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) is 67, Singer Brenda Lee is 66, Actress Linda Day George is 66 and Actress Teri Garr is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------third grade groaner

Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see, legs and cannot walk, and can jump as high as the Sears Tower?

Give up?

Here's the answer:  A wooden horse.  It has eyes and cannot see, and legs and cannot walk.

Yes, you are probably about to say, "But how does it jump as high as the Sears Tower?"

There's a simple explanation:  The Sears Tower cannot jump.

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In 1917, Father Edward Flanagan founded Boy's Town outside Omaha, Nebraska.

In 1925, the first motel -- the Motel Inn -- opened in San Luis Obispo, California.

In 2000, a divided U.S. Supreme Court made Republican George W. Bush president-elect over Democrat Al Gore as the justices reversed a state court decision for recounts in Florida's contested election.  (The nation's highest court agreed, 7-2, to overturn the order for a state recount and voted 5-4 that there was no acceptable procedure by which a timely new recount could take place.)

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Today----------------Former TV host Bob Barker is 87, Former New York City Mayor Edward Koch is 86, Singer Connie Francis is 72, Singer Dionne Warwick is 70 and Rock-singer-musician Dickey Betts is 67.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------another whoops

It was the first time she had been to dinner with her new friends, and they smiled indulgently when she refused a scotch and soda.

"I don't drink," she said, quite emphatically, "I've never had a drop."

"Why not try?" urged one of her friends.  "See if you like the taste."

Her other friends urged her on.

Finally, she blushed and said yes.  She raised the glass tentatively to her lips, tasted, then blurted out, "Why, this isn't scotch.  You've given me bourbon!"

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In 1835, Phillips Brooks, the American Episcopal bishop who wrote the words to "O Little Town of Bethlehem," was born in Boston.

In 1862, Union forces suffered a major defeat to the Confederates in the Civil War Battle of Fredericksburg.

In 1978, the Philadelphia Mint began stamping the Susan B. Anthony dollar, which went into circulation in July 1979.

In 2003, Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S. forces while hiding in a hole under a farmhouse in Adwar, Iraq, near his hometown of Tikrit.

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Today-----Former Secretary of State George P. Shultz is 90, Actor-comedian Dick Van Dyke is 85, Actor Christopher Plummer is 81, Country Singer Buck White is 80, Music/film producer Lou Adler is 77, Movie producer Richard Zanuck is 76, Singer John Davidson is 69, Actress Kathy Carver (TV "Family Affair") is 65, Singer Ted Nugent is 62 and Country singer-musician Randy Owen is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------one good turn deserves another

The new father, seeing his little Nancy's baby carriage standing near the front door, decided to do his wife a big favor and handle the baby strolling chore himself.

As soon as he got out to the sidewalk, pushing the carriage in front of him, his wife called to him from a window, "Dear!"

"I'm fine," he shouted back, hurrying along, "Let me take care of it."

It was a hot day, but he was determined to take the errand seriously, so he pushed the carriage for almost an hour before he returned.  He was quite satisfied with himself as he jostled the carriage up the steps and into the front door.

"Well, that's done," he said to his wife.

His wife replied, "And I'm sure Nancy's doll enjoyed it very much.  But now, Nancy would like a turn, if you wouldn't mind."

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In 1799. the first president of the United States, George Washington, died at his Mount Vernon, Virginia, home at age 67.

In 1962, the  U.S. space probe Mariner 2 approached Venus, transmitting information about the planet.

In 1985, Wilma Mankilller became the first woman to lead a major American Indian tribe as she took office as principal chief of the Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma:  Also, Former New York Yankees outfielder, Roger Maris, who'd hit 61 home runs during the 1961 season, died in Houston at age 51.

(note:  In looking at the last entry about Wilma Mankiller, I was somewhat intrigued about her name and the fact she had risen to the position of chief.  It made me kinda wonder if she "bumped" all the men off so she could be chief----------just a thought)

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Today-------------Jazz musician Clark Terry is 90, Singer-actress Abbe Lane is 79, Actor Hal Williams is 72, Actress-singer Jane Birkin is 64, Actress Patty Duke is 64, Pop singer Joyce Vincent-Wilson (Tony Orlando and Dawn) is 64, Actress Dee Wallace is 62 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Ronnie McNeir (The Four Tops) is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------ouchie

Little Susie asked her mother, "Where did the first humans come from?"

Mom answered, "God made Adam and Eve, and they were the first parents, and we are all descended from them."

Dad, sitting nearby said in disagreement, "Humans evolved from monkeys millions of years ago."

Susie looked confused.

Mom said to her, "It's OK, darling, I'm talking about my side of the family.  Your father is talking about his."

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In 1890, Sioux Indian Chief Sitting Bull and 11 other tribe members were killed in Grand River, SD, during a confrontation with Indian police.

In 1944, a single-engine plane carrying bandleader Glenn Miller, a major in the U.S. Army Air Forces, disappeared over the English Channel while en route to Paris.

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Today------------Singer Cindy Birdsong (The Supremes) is 71, Rock Musician Dave Clark (The Dave Clark Five) is 68, Actor Don Johnson is 61 and Actor-comedian Tim Conway is 77.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------hah

Art was seeing a therapist for help with his insecurity.  The therapist suggested he get a personalized license plate to project a more confident image and build his self-esteem.

It didn't work.  Art ordered plates that said, I'M NO. 1.  The plates came out, I'M NO 1.

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In 1773, the Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea into Boston Harbor to protest tea taxes.

In 1985, organized crime chief Paul Castellano and bodyguard Thomas Billotti were shot to death outside a New York City restaurant on orders from John Gotti.

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Today---------Actress Joyce Bulifant is 73, Actress Liv Ulmann is 72, CBS News correspondent Lesley Stahl is 69, TV producer Steven Bochio is 67,. Pop musician Tony Hicks (The Hollies) is 65, Pop singer Benny Andersson (ABBA) is 64 and Actor Ben Cross is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------where is he sleeping tonight?

One morning a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace.  What do you think it means?"

"You'll find out on Christmas morning," he said with a wink.

Sure enough, on Christmas morning he handed her a small package.  Thrilled, she tore off the wrapping paper.

It was a paperback book titled "The Meaning of Dreams."

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In 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio, conducted the first successful manned powered-airplane flights, near Kitty Hawk, NC, using their experimental craft, the Wright Flyer.


In 1969, the U.S. Air Force closed its Project "Blue Book" by concluding there was no evidence of extraterrestrial spaceships behind thousands of UFO sightings.
Also---an estimated 50 million TV viewers watched singer Tiny Tim marry his fiancee Miss Vicky on NBC's "Tonight Show."

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Today-------------Actor George Lindsay is 75, Singer-actor Tommy Steele is 74, Rock Musician Art Neville is 73, Political commentator Chris Matthews is 65 and Comedian-actor Eugene Levy is 64.

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Larryj