another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------clever thinking

A woman decided to prepare her will and last testament.  She told her pastor she had two final requests.  First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes to be scattered at the Nordstrom department store.

The pastor gave her a quizzical look, "Why Nordstrom?" he asked.

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

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In 1520, Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan reached the Pacific Ocean after passing through the South American strait that now bears his name.

In 1919, American-born Lady Astor was elected the first female of the British Parliament.

In 1979, an Air New Zealand DC-10 en route to the South Pole crashed into a mountain in Antarctica killing all 257 people aboard.

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Today-------------Recording executive Berry Gordy, Jr. is 81, Former Sen. Gary Hart (D-Colo) is 74, Singer-songwriter Bruce Channel is 70, Singer Randy Newman is 67, CBS News correspondent Susan Spencer is 64, "Late Show" orchestra leader Paul Shaffer is 61 and Actor Ed Harris is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------yep

Some guy bought a new fridge so he put the old one out in the front yard with a sign on it:  "Free".

For three days the old fridge sat there.  Nobody looked it twice.

The guy changed the sign to read:  "Used fridge for sale.  %50."

The next day someone stole it.

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In 1864, a Colorado militia killed at least 180 peaceful Cheyenne Indians in the Sand Creek Massacre.

In 1981, actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island at age 43.

In 1986, actor Cary Grant died in Davenport, Iowa, at age 82.

In 1990, the U.N. Security Council voted to authorize military action to free Kuwait if Iraq did not withdraw its occupying troops and release all foreign hostages by Jan. 15, 1991.

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Today-------------Blues singer-musician John Mayall is 77, Actress Diane Ladd is 75, Composer-musician Chuck Mangione is 70, Country Singer Jody Miller is 69, Olympic skier Suzy Chaffee is 64, comedian Garry Shandling is 61 and Hall-of-fame Sportscaster Vin Scully is 83>

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------uh---okay----

Two women boarded an airliner and while doing so, they were welcomed by the pilot.

One of the women turned to the pilot and said, "Please don't travel faster than the speed of sound.  We want to talk."

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In 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1835, Samuel Langhorne Clemens -- better known as Mark Twain -- was born in Florida, Missouri.

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Today-----Actor Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. is 92, Actor Robert Guillaume is 83, TV Personality and producer Dick Clark is 81, Country singer Jimmy Bowen is 73, Singer Rob Grill (The Grassroots) is 67, Actress Margaret Whitton is 60 and Talk show host G. Gordon Liddy is 80.

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Sadly, Leslie Nielson of the Police Squad and Naked Gun movies died Sunday at age 84.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------oopsies

"Doctor," she said emphatically, striding into the room, "I want you to take a look and tell me frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to toe.  "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you.  First, you need to lose about 20 pounds.  Second, your beauty would be much improved if you used about one tenth as much makeup.  And, third, I'm an artist.  The doctor is one door down."

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In 1824, the presidential election was turned over to the U.S. House of Representatives when a deadlock developed between John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, William H. Crawford and Henry Clay.  (Adams ended up the winner.)

In 1860, the Charles Dickens novel "Great Expectations" was first published in weekly serial form.

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Today---------Actor Paul Picerni is 88, Former CIA director Stansfield Turner is 87, Singer Billy Paul is 76, Actor-director Woody Allen is 75, World Golf Hall of Famer Lee Trevino is 71, Singer Diane Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 71, Actress-singer Bette Midler is 65 and Singer Gilbert O'Sullivan is 64.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------nice play on words


It was a holiday tradition at our house.  Each year on Christmas morning, Mom would get up extra early and prepare a special breakfast that included eggs Benedict served on her prized heirloom dishes.

One year, though, she must have sampled the eggnog before she got started.

When the family came downstairs and gathered around the table, we found that the eggs Benedict breakfast were served on the hubcaps from Dad's car.

Dad asked, "What's going on?"

Mom replied, giddily, "Don't you know?  There's No Plates Like Chrome for the Hollandaise."

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In 1859, militant abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his raid on Harper's Ferry the previous October.

In 1927, Ford Motor Co. formally unveiled its second Model A automobile, the successor to its Model T.

In 1942, an artificially created self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction was demonstrated for the first time, at the University of Chicago.

In 1954, the Senate voted to condemn Wisconsin Republican Joseph R. McCarthy for conduct that "tends to bring the Senate into disrepute."

In 1970, the Environmental Protection Agency opened its doors.

IN 1990, Actor Bob Cummings died in Woodland Hills, CA, at age 80.

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Today----------Character Actor Bill Erwin is 96, Actress Julie Harris is 85, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) is 71, Actress Cathy Lee Crosby is 66 and Country Singer John Wesley Ryles is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------ouch

Della was excited when she learned that her fiance finally was returning home after an overseas business obligation of many months.

She bragged to he friend Bella, "Do you know, Rodney is telling everyone that he is returning home to marry the most beautiful girl in America."

Bella replied, "That scoundrel! How could he do such a thing after being engaged to you for such a long time?"

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In 1967, surgeons in Cape Town, South Africa, led by Dr. Christiaan Barnard, performed the first human heart transplant on Louis Washkansky, who lived 18 days with the new heart.

In 1979, 11 people were killed in a crush of fans at Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium, where the British rock group The Who was performing.

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Today----------Country singer Ferlin Huskey is 85, Singer Andy Williams is 83, Singer Jaye P. Morgan  is 79. Actor Nicolas Coster is 77, Actress Mary Alice is 69, Actress Heather Menzies is 61and Rock singer Ozzie Osbourne is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------hee hee

Tommy was visiting the hospital to see his mother and his new baby brother.  There were many people in the room.  At one point, he wandered off for a little while and found himself in the orthopedic ward of the hospital.

He entered a room occupied by a woman and greeted her.  "Hello," he said, "How long have you been here?"

"Almost two weeks,," the woman said.

"Can I see your baby?" Tommy asked.

"Why, I don't have a baby!" the woman replied.

"Wow, you're slow," Tommy said, "My mom's been here just a few hours, and she already has one."

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In 1783, Gen. George Washington bade farewell to his Continental Army officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York, telling them,
"With a heart full of love and gratitude I now take leave of you."

In 1978, San Francisco got its first female mayor as City Supervisor Dianne Feinstein was named to replace the assassinated George Moscone.

In 1996, the Mars Pathfinder lifted off from Cape Canaveral and began speeding toward Mars on a 310-million mile odyssey.  (It arrived on Mars in July 1997.)

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Today---------------------Actress-singer Deanna Durbin is 89, Game show host Wink Martindale is 77. Pop singer Freddy Cannon is 74, Actor-producer Max Baer Jr. is 73, Actress Gemma Jones is 68 and Actor Jeff Bridges is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------another ouch

A professor became irritated by the answers he was receiving from his students one day.  Finally, he had quite enough.  "There seem to be a great number of idiots in this room." he thundered.  "If you don't mind, I would like to invite all the idiots to stand up and show themselves."

After a long pause, one student stood up in the back of the room.

"So!" the professor said with imperious sarcasm, "You consider yourself an idiot?"

The student replied, "Not really, sir.  I just hated to see you standing there by yourself."

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In 1848, President James K. Polk triggered the Gold Rush of '49 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.

In 1932, German Physicist Albert Einstein was granted a visa, making it possible for him to travel to the United States.

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Today------------Singer Little Richard is 78, Opera Singer Jose Carreras is 64, Pop singer Jim Messina is 63 and College Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Plunkett is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------huh?

The exasperated boss said, "See here, Ferguson.  You already have taken time off this year to see your wife off on a long journey, and for your mother-in-law's funeral, and for your little girl's chickenpox, and for your son's christening.  What is it this time?"

"I'm getting married, sir."

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In 1884, Army engineers completed construction of the Washington Monument by setting an aluminum capstone atop the obelisk.

In 1947, Everglades National Park in Florida was dedicated by President Harry A. Truman.

In 1960, nearly 9 million acres of Alaska was set aside as an Arctic National Wildlife Range by order of Interior Secretary Fred A. Seaton.  (In 1980, President Jimmy Carter signed an act doubling the size of the range and renaming it the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.)

In 1969, a free concert by the Rolling Stones at the Altamont Speedway in Alameda County, California, was marred by the deaths of four people, including one who was stabbed by a Hell's Angel.

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Today------------------------Jazz musician Dave Brubeck is 90, Pro Football Hall-of-famer Andy Robustelli is 85. Comedy performer David Ossman is 74, Country singer Helen Cornelius is 69 and Actress JoBeth Wiliams is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------he who knows best

Two friends met on the street after not having seen each other for some time.  One of them was using crutches.

"Hello!" said the other.  "What's the matter with you?"

"Car accident," said the man on the crutches.

"When did it happen?"

"Two months ago."

"Good heavens, and you still have to use crutches?"

"Well, my doctor says I could get along without them, but my lawyer says I can't."

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In 1909, chemist Leo H. Baekeland received a U.S. patent for Bakelite, the first synthetic plastic.

In 1941, Imperial Japanese warplanes attacked the U.S. Navy base at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii, as well as other American and British bases in the Pacific; the raids prompted the United States to enter World War II.

In 1987, 43 people were killed after a gunman aboard a Pacific Southwest Airlines jetliner in California apparently opened fire on a fellow passenger, the two pilots and himself, causing the plane to crash.

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Today----------Actress Ellen Burstyn is 78, Broadcast journalist Carole Simpson is 70, Baseball Hall-of-famer Johnny Bench is 63, Actor-director-producer James Keach is 63, Country singer Gary Morris is 62, Singer-songwriter Tom Waits is 61 and Actor Eli Wallach is 95.

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Larryj