another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------from the archives

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

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In 1860, Juliette Gordon Low, founder of the Girl Scouts of the U.S.A, was born in Savannah, GA.

In 1864, Nevada became the 36th state.

In 1926, magician Harry Houdini died in Detroit of gangrene and peritonitis resulting from a ruptured appendix.

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Today-------Actress Lee Grant is 83, Former astronaut Michael Collins is 80, Folk singer Tom Paxton is 73, Actress Sally Kirkland is 69, Actor David Ogden Stiers is 68, Actor Stephen Rea is 64, Olympic gold medalist distance runner Frank Shorter is 63, Actress Diedre Hall is 62, Talk show host Jane Pauley is 60 and ex-CBS News anchorman Dan Rather is 79.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------these sound really familiar

SOME OBSERVATIONS ON MATURING

It's harder to tell navy from black.
Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the second time around.
Your kids are becoming you....and you don't like them..............but your grandchildren are perfect.
Going out is good, coming home is better.
You forget names....but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth.
Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "Off" switch.
You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it already.
You notice everything they sell in stores is sleeveless.
You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs, but your chin, nose and ears need attention daily.
What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
It seems everybody whispers.
You use the four letter word a lot------------what?

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In 1765, the Stamp Act went into effect, prompting stiff resistance from American colonists.

In 1870, the United States Weather Bureau made its first meteorological observations.

In 1952, the United States exploded the first hydrogen bomb, code-named "Ivy Mike," at Enewetak Atoll in the Marshall Islands.

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Today------------Actress Betsy Palmer is 84, Golfer Gary Player is 75, Country singer Bill Anderson is 73, Actress Barbara Bosson is 71, Actor Robert Foxworth is 69, Actress Marcia Wallace is 68, Magazine publisher Larry Flint is 68, Country singer-humorist Kinky Friedman is 66 and Actress Jeannie Berlin is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------I need to move

A student decided to conduct a survey for a class.  So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.

The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people so he started out a fairly large apartment building near the university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered.

"Sir, what is your name?" asked the student.

"John," replied the man.

"Sir, what is your favorite pastime?"

"Watching bubbles in the bath."

He liked the esoteric answer and continued.

The second man said his name and answered, "Oh, sure, it's watching bubbles in the bath."

Somewhat amused but quite confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime "watching bubbles in the bath."

He left the building and walked across the street and he went to the first house.  He knocked and a very attractive college girl opened the door.  The student began again -- "What is your name?"

"Bubbles."

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In 1783, Gen. George Washington issued his Farewell Orders to the Armies of the United States near Princeton, NJ.

In 1889, North Dakota and South Dakota became the 39th and 40th states.

In 1920, radio station KDKA in Pittsburgh broadcast returns from the Harding-Cox presidential election.

In 1947, Howard Hughes piloted his wooden flying boat, the Hughes H-4 Hercules (dubbed the "Spruce Goose" by detractors), on its only flight, which lasted about a minute over Long Beach Harbor.

In 1948, President Harry S. Truman surprised the experts by winning a narrow upset over Republican challenger Thomas E. Dewey.

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Today--------------------------Rhythm-and-blues singer Earl "Speedo" Carroll (The Cadillacs, The Coasters) is 73, Singer Jay Black (Jay and the Americans) is 72, Political commentator Patrick Buchanan is 72, Actress Stephanie Powers is 68, Rock Musician Keith Emerson (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 66, Country-rock singer-songwriter J.D. Souther is 65 and Actress Kate Linder is 63

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------------old, but--------------old

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class.  That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. 

The professor then said, "Now, then, we will have an experiment in this class on the current administration's plan.  All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A."

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.  The students who studied hard were upset  and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride, too, so they studied little.

The second test grade average was a D.  No one was happy.

When the third test rolled around, the average was an  F -- all failed.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings.  The ones who once studied hard were labeled "enemies" as they refused to study for the benefit of anyone else.

The professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because, when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great; but when all the reward is taken away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Couldn't be any simpler than that.

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In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson soundly defeated Republican Barry Goldwater to win a White House term in his own right.

In 1979, five Communist Worker's Party members were killed in a clash with heavily armed Ku Klux Klansmen and neo-Nazis during an anti-Klan protest in Greensboro, N.C.

In 1986, the Iran-Contra affair began to come to light as Ash-Shiraa, a pro-Syrian Lebanese magazine, first broke the story of U.S. arms sales to Iran.

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Today--------------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Bob Feller is 92, Actress Lois Smith  is 80, Actor-Dancer Ken Berry is 77,  Movie composer John Barry is 77 and Singer Lulu is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------from the archives--I am going to cancel my subscription if they don't put the jokes in.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

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In 1979, the Iran hostage crisis began as militants stormed the United States Embassy in Tehran, seizing its occupants; for some it was the start of 444 days of captivity.

In 2008, Democrat Barack Obama was elected the first black president of the United States, defeating Republican John McCain.

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Today-------------Actress Loretta Swit is 73, Former First Lady Laura Bush is 64, Actress Markie Post is 60 and Actress Doris Roberts is 80.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------Oh!

A  colleague was invited to present a speech in Japan.  Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms.  In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.

Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage.

This man had a terrific success.  People laughed and applauded vigorously.  And, although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was being said, he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.

He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, "No, no, sir.  You must not applaud."

Dumbfounded, he asked, "But why?  This man is obviously a very good speaker."

"No, sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech."

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In 1872, suffragist Susan B. Anthony defied the law by attempting to vote for President Ulysses S. Grant.  (Anthony was convicted by a judge and fined $100, but never paid the fine.)

In 1935, Parker Brothers began marketing the board game "Monopoly."

In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented third term in office as he defeated Republican challenger Wendell L. Wilkie.

In 1968, Richard M. Nixon won the presidency, defeating Vice President Hubert H. Humphrey and American Independent candidate George C. Wallace.

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Today------------Actress Elke Sommer is 70, Singer Art Garfunkel is 69, Actor-playwright Sam Shepard is 67 and Singer Peter Noone is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----would you believe it?  Two days ago I pulled a joke from the archives, because none appeared in my paper.  Today, that same joke is in the paper!  Anyway, here is today's.

The Queens Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there... any tips you can give to me?"
‎"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please ... send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisers and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

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in 1860, former Illinois congressman Abraham Lincoln defeated three other candidates for the presidency; John Breckinridge, John Bell and Stephen Douglas.

In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower won re-election, defeating Democrat Adlai Stevenson.

In 1990, about one-fifth of the Universal Studios backlot in southern California was destroyed in an arson fire.

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Today-----------Director Mike Nichols is 79, Country Singer Stonewall Jackson is 78, Singer P.J. Proby is 72, Country singer Guy Clark is 69, Actress Sally Field is 64 and Singer-musician Glenn Frey (The Eagles) is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------would you believe?  They get their jokes from the same place I do.......the one in the paper today is the one I posted two days ago!  Oh well.  Today's is a groaner. 

A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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In 1893, the state of Colorado granted its women the right to vote.

In 1980, actor Steve McQueen died in Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico at age 50.

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Today---------Actor Barry Newman is 72, Singer Johnny Rivers is 68 and Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell is 67.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------old, but one of my favorites

A recently divorced executive picks up his brand-new Corvette convertible and drives out of the car dealership.  As he is going down the freeway, he decides to see what his new toy can do.  He increases his speed to 90 mph, enjoying the wind whipping through the little hair he has left on his head.  "Amazing" he says to himself.  He jams the pedal down even more and starts clocking 100, then 120.  Then he looks in his rear view mirror and see a highway patrolman right behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.  He pulls over.  The officer pulls in behind him, walks up to the Corvette, looks at his watch and says, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.  Today is Friday.  If you can give me one good reason for your speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go on your way."  The executive pauses, then says, "Sir, my wife recently ran off with a highway patrol officer, and I thought you were bringing her back to me!"  The officer says, "Very well, sir.  Enjoy the rest of you drive!"

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In 1860, the Stephen Foster song "Old Black Joe" was copyrighted.

In 1889, Montana became the 41st state.

In 1935, the movies "Mutiny of the Bounty," starring Clark Gable and Charles Laughton, and " A Night at the Opera" starring the Marx Brothers, premiered in New York.

In 1960, Massachusetts Sen. John F. Kennedy defeated Vice President Richard M. Nixon for the presidency.

In 1980, scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, CA., announced that the U.S. space probe Voyager 1 had discovered a 15th moon orbiting the planet Saturn.

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Today---------------Singer Patti Page is 83, CBS Newsman Morley Safer is 79, Singer Bonnie Raitt is 61 and TV personality Mary Hart is 60. 

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------oooooh!

There was a man who had a parrot that was always embarrassing him by cussing and other stuff like that.

So one day the man took the parrot and stuck him in the freezer.  In a few minutes the squawking stopped.

The man checked the freezer, and the parrot said, "Okay I'll stop the cussing, but I have one question."

The man said, "OK, what?"

The parrot says, "What did the turkey do?"

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In 1965, the great Northeast blackout occurred as a series of power failures lasting up to 13 1/2 hours left 30 million people in seven states and part of Canada without electricity.

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Today----------Former Democratic vice-presidential candidate R. Sargent Shriver is 95, Baseball Hall-of-famer Whitey Herzog is 79, Baseball Hall-of-famer Bob Gibson is 75, Actor Charlie Robinson is 65 and Actor Robert David Hall (CSI) is 62.

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Larryj