another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------no comment needed

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details.  These are genuine excerpts from the forms.  Perhaps it will leave you speechless and just shaking your head.

1.  Regarding the identify of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim................I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2.  I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.  He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one of the door panels.  Perhaps you could contact the local BMW dealers in this area and see if he has had it replaced.

3.  I cannot tell you the name of Child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy.  I am torn by doing right by you and right by the country.  Please advise.

4.  From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

5.  So much about that night is a blur.  The only thing I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.  If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146.....Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

6.  I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one (gave you gas.)

7  I have never had sex with a man.  I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

_____________________________________________________

In 1928, Republican presidential nominee Herbert Hoover spoke of the "American system of rugged individualism" in a speech at New York's Madison Square Garden.

In 1934, bank robber Charles "Pretty boy" Floyd was shot to death by federal agents at a farm in East Liverpool, Ohio.

In 1962, President John F. Kennedy announced a quarantine of all offensive military equipment shipped to Cuba, following the discovery of Soviet-built missile bases on the island.

In 1979, the U.S. government allowed the deposed Shah of Iran to travel to New York for medical treatment -- a decision that precipitated the Iran hostage crisis.

In 1986, President Ronald Reagan signed into law sweeping tax-overhaul legislation.

___________________________________________________________

Today-------------Actress Joan Fontaine is 93, Actor Christopher Lloyd is 72, Actress Annette Funicello is 68 and Actress Catherine Deneuve is 67.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------so much for the power of suggestion


This is a story about two couples who regularly played golf together at their club.  On the sixth hole, a par four, the second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water.

One of the women, Sheila Bartholomewland, for more than a year, could never hit the ball over the water and each time the ball would drop somewhere near the center of the hazard.

She, as everyone agreed, was completely psyched out by the presence of water.

Her friend in the quartet suggested that she might want to see a hypnotherapist to overcome her anxiety that consumed her whenever she neared the water.

So Sheila went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions.  In those sessions, Sheila was hypnotized and the therapist "planted suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.

About six months later a woman at the club asked whatever happened to the legendary Mrs. Bartholomewland -- after all the dear woman hadn't been seen playing golf at the club in more than four months.

The inquisitive lady was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Sheila Bartholomewland had drowned at the first leg of the sixth hole.

_________________________________________________________

In 1910, Blanche S. Scott became the first woman to make a public solo airplane flight, reaching an altitude of 12 feet at a park in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon agreed to turn over White House tape recordings subpoenaed by the Watergate special prosecutor to Judge John J. Sirica.

In 1983, 241 U.S. service members were killed in a suicide truck-bombing at Beirut International Airport in Lebanon; a near-simultaneous attack on French forces killed 58 paratroopers.

________________________________________________________

Today--------------Movie Director Philip Kaufman is 74, Soccer great Pele is 70 and Rhythm-and-Blues singer Barbara Ann Hawkins (The Dixie Cups) is 67.

_________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------from the archives

TOP TEN BOOKS DOCTORS READ

10. How To Turn a Lung Transplant Into a Vacation Home

9. Your Waiting Room's a Financial Bonanza: The Simple Use of Vending Machines & Pay-Per-View TV

8. All the Things that 9 out of 10 of Us Recommend

7. Chicken Scratch: How to Not Only Write it, But Speak It

6. There's Big Money in Second Opinions

5. "Cat Scans to Bed-Pans" -- The novel that finally puts some humor into diseases.

4. Bedside Jokes to Tell the Chronically Sick

3. Recurring Revenue: Getting Your Share of the Hypochondriac Market!

2. How to Convince a Patient That He or She Needs the Entire Battery of Available Diagnostic Tests

1. 101 Places to Buy 6-Year-Old Magazines For Your Waiting Room

________________________________________________________

In 1940, the 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.

In 1945, the United Nations officially came into existence as its charter took effect.  (On this date in 1949, construction began on U.N. Headquarters in New York.)

In 2002, authorities arrested Army veteran John Allen Muhammad and teenager Lee Boyd Malvo near Myersville, MD, in connection with the Washington-area sniper attacks.

_______________________________________________________

Today-----------------Football Hall-of-Famer Y.A. Tittle is 84, Rock Musician Bill Wyman is 74, Actor-producer David Nelson is 74, Actor F. Murray Abraham is 71 and Actor Kevin Kline is 63.

______________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------Ha!

Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down the country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The farmer shouted, "Trink das wasser nicht.  Die kuhen haven dahin gesheissen."

Which means:  (Don't drink the water; the cows poo-poo in it.)

The man shouted back:  "I'm from New York and I'm down here campaigning for raises for Congress and senators, I can't understand you.  Please speak in English."

The farmer replied:  "Use both hands;  you'll get more water that way."

_____________________________________________________

In 1859. radical abolitionist John Brown went on trial in Charles Town, VA., for his failed raid at Harper's Ferry.  (Brown was convicted and hanged.)

In 1971, the U.N. General Assembly voted to admit mainland China and expel Taiwan.

In 1983, a U.S. led force invaded Grenada at the order of President Ronald Reagan, who said the action was needed to protect U.S. citizens there.

______________________________________________________

Today------Actress Joanne Cooper is 82, Country Singer Jeanne Black is 73, Basketball Hall-of-famer Bobby Knight is 70, Author Anne Tyler is 69 and Actress Marion Ross is 82.

______________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------gotta read this one slowly and carefully

FUN FOR TUESDAY

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Dijon Vu -- the  same mustard as before

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments

Shotgun wedding -- a case of wife or death

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired

What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead give away)

Time flies like a arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana

In democracy your vote counts.  In feudalism your count votes

____________________________________________________

In 1881, the "Gunfight at the O.K Corral" took place in Tombstone, Arizona, as Wyatt Earp, his two brothers and "Doc" Holliday confronted Ike Clanton's gang.  Three members of Clanton's group were killed; Earp's brothers and Holliday were wounded.

In 1942, Japanese planes badly damaged the aircraft carrier USS Hornet in the Battle of Santa Cruz Islands during World War II.  (The Hornet sank early the next morning.)

In 1972, national security adviser Henry Kissinger declared, "Peace is at hand" in Vietnam.

In 1984, "Baby Fae" a newborn with a sever heart defect, was given the heart  of a baboon in an experimental transplant in Loma Linda.  (Baby Fae lived 21 days with the animal heart.)

In 2001, President George W. Bush signed the USA Patriot Act, giving authorities unprecedented ability to search, seize, detain or eavesdrop in their pursuit of possible terrorists.

_____________________________________________________

Today-------------Actress Shelley Morrison is 74, Actor Bob Hoskins is 68, Author Pat Conroy is 65, Actress Jaclyn Smith is 65, TV Host Pat Sajak is 64 and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is 63.

____________________________________________________

Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

HA! I just love those. Thank you.

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------------an ooopsie

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog.  Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

"15 percent flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing gear, check.  Altitude, check.  Right, we're going in."

"MORE FLAPS! MORE FLAPS!  Hold on! Hit the brakes now!  HARD!  HARD!  HARDER!"

The plane lands and comes to a screeching halt; just short of the edge of the runway.

"Wow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"

The co-pilot looks left and right and says, "Yeah, but look how WIDE it is."

_______________________________________________________

In 1787, the first of the Federalist Papers, a series of essays calling for ratification of the United States Constitution was published in New York.

In 1880, Theodore Roosevelt married his first wife, Alice Lee.

In 1938, DuPont announced a name for its new synthetic yarn: "nylon."

In 1947, "You Bet Your Life," starring Groucho Marx, premiered on ABC Radio. (It later became a television show on NBC.)

In 1990, death claimed bandleader Xavier Cugat at age 90 and author Elliot Roosevelt at age 80.

_________________________________________________________________

Today-------------Actress Nanette Fabray is 90, Actress Ruby Dee is 86, Former Secretary of State Warren M. Christopher is 85 and Actor-comedian John Cleese is 71.

________________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------doing what mama says

A boy took a girl our on her first date.  When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."

"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"

"No," the girl replied.

"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"

"Nooo," the girl said.

"You know," said the boy, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this, and continue to follow your mother's advice."

_________________________________________________

In 1858, Rowland Hussey Macy opened his first New York store at Sixth Avenue and 14th Street in Manhattan.

In 1886, the Statue of Liberty, a gift from the people of France, was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.

In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt rededicated the Statue of Liberty on its 50th anniversary.

________________________________________________

Today---------------------Jazz singer Cleo Laine is 83, Actress Joan Plowright is 81, Musician-songwriter Charlie Daniels is 74, Singer Curtis Lee is 69, Actor Dennis Franz is 66 and Olympic track and field gold medalist Bruce Jenner is 61.

_______________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------ouch

Once there was a pirate who visited his brother after a long separation. 

The brother answers the door and says, "Oh my gosh, what happened to your hand?"

The pirate said, "I lost it in a sword fight, so now I have a hook."

Then the brother said, "What about your leg?"

The pirate said, "A cannonball hit it, so now I have a peg leg."

Then the brother said, "Well, what about your eye?"

The pirate said, "I got a little dust in it."

The brother said, "How could you lose your eye because of a little bit of dust?"

The pirate said, "It was the first day with my hook."

________________________________________________

In 1901, President William McKinley's assassin, Leon Czolgosz, was electrocuted.

In 1929, Wall Street crashed on "Black Tuesday," heralding the beginning of America's Great Depression.

In 1956, "The Huntley-Brinkley Report" premiered as NBC's nightly newscast.

In 1966, the National Organization for Women was formally organized during a conference in Washington, D.C.

_________________________________________________

Today--------------Bluegrass singer-musician Sonny Osborne (The Osborne Brothers) is 73, Country singer Lee Clayton is 68, Singer Melba Moore is 65, Actor Richard Dreyfuss is 63 and Actress Kate Jackson is 63.

_________________________________________________

Sadly, James MacArthur, co-star on Hawaii 50, "Danno" died of natural causes at age 72.  He so-starred with Jack Lord who always said at the end of the show, "Book 'em, Danno".  Jack Lord died in 1998.

_________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------scary

One dark night, two guys were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery.  Suddenly, they were startled out of their wits by a loud hammering sound.

They swerved to look and saw an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "We thought you were a GHOST!  What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Darned fools," grumbled the old man, "They misspelled my name!"

______________________________________________________

In 1735, the second president of the United States, John Adams, was born in Braintree, Mass.

In 1938, the radio play "The War of the Worlds," starring Orson Welles, aired on CBS.

In 1945, the U.S. government announced the end of shoe rationing, effective at midnight.

______________________________________________________

Today----------Actor Dick Gautier is 73, Rock Singer Grace Slick is 71, Songwriter Eddie Holland is 71, Actor Ed Lauter is 70, Rhythm-and-blues singer Otis Williams (The Temptations) is 69, Actor Henry Winkler is 65 and Country/rock musician Timothy B. Schmit (The Eagles) is 63.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj