another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------Okaaaaaay

A magician called a man from the audience up on the stage and handed him a large wooden mallet.  He looked at the man squarely in the eyes and instructed the guy to hit him on the head just as hard as he could.

The magician bent over and put his head on a table and told the man, "OK, DO IT!"

The man looked at the audience, shrugged his shoulders, then took a mighty swing.

Three years later, the magician awakens from a coma in the hospital, sits up and says, "Ta-dah!"

______________________________________________________________

In 1775, the United States Navy had its origins as the Continental Congress ordered the construction of a naval fleet.

In 1962, Edward Albee's play "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" opened on Broadway.

____________________________________________________________

Today------------Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is 85, Singer-musician Paul Simon is 69, Country singer Lacy J. Dalton is 64 and Singer-musician Sammy Hagar is 63.

_____________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------logical

At a cocktail party one evening, an English professor was asked whether he preferred beer or wine.

His response was, "Oh, wine, wine by all means.  In all honesty, I must say that, to me, it's the nectar of the gods.

"Just gazing at it shimmering in a crystal clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.

"When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is gently poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting bouquet and am lifted to soar on the wings of ecstasy.

"It seems as though I am about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow.  The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world..


"Beer, however, makes me pass gas."

______________________________________________________

In 1912, Theodore Roosevelt campaigning for the presidency, was shot in the chest in Milwaukee.  Despite the wound, he went ahead with a scheduled speech.

In 1947, Air Force test pilot Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager broke the sound barrier as he flew the experimental Bell XS-1 (later X-1)  rocket plane over Muroc Dry Lake in California.

In 1987,  a 58-hour drama began in Midland, Texas, as 18-month-old Jessica McClure slid 22 feet down an abandoned well at a private day care center; she was rescued on Oct. 16.

IN 1990, composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein died in New York at age 72.

__________________________________________________________________

Today---------------Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop is 94, Actor Roger Moore is 83, Former White House counsel John W. Dean III is 72, Country singer Melba Montgomery is 72, Fashion Designer Ralph Lauren is 71 and Singer-musician Justin Hayward (The Moody Blues) is 64.

__________________________________________________________________

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------sounds like a repeat-----

Julio had just finished playing a round of golf and was in the crowded locker room getting undressed to take a shower when one of his pals happened to notice him slipping out of a pair of women's lacy panties.

"Hey, Julio," his friend across the room called out much louder than necessary, "How long have ya' been playing golf in women's underwear?"

"How long?"  I'll tell you how long, wise guy .......  ever since my wife found a pair in the back seat of my car after I came home from playing a round of golf last spring."

____________________________________________________

In 1860, 11-year-old Grace Bedell of Westfield, N.Y., wrote a letter to presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln, suggesting he could improve his appearance by growing a beard.  (The rest, as they say, is history.)

In 1917, Dutch dancer Mata Hari, convicted of spying for the Germans, was executed by a French firing squad outside Paris.

____________________________________________________

Today-----------Former auto executive Lee Iacocca is 86, Actress Linda Lavin is 73, Actress-director Penny Marshall is 68, Baseball Hall-of-famer Jim Palmer is 65 and Singer-musician Richard Carpenter is 64.

__________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------ooopsies

The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.

He began what can only be called a "campaign" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.

The plan was successful, too-------------------------------------

The young lady fell in love with, and married. the UPS driver.

___________________________________________________________

In 1901, Booker T. Washington dined at the White House as the guest of President Theodore Roosevelt, whose invitation to the black educator sparked controversy.

In 1995, a vast throng of black men gathered in Washington, D.C., for the "Million Man March" led by Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan.

___________________________________________________________

Today------------------------Former presidential adviser Charles W. Colson is 79, Actor-producer Tony Anthony is 73, Actor Barry Corbin is 70, Sportscaster Tim McCarver is 69, Actress Suzanne Somers is 64, Producer-Director David Zucker is 63 and Actress Angela Lansbury is 85.

_________________________________________________________

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------from the archives

Three guys enter a special swimming contest whereby each contestant is born disabled. The first has no arms. The second has no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

The prospect of the race was a bit ridiculous, but the three had all trained and such a contest was historic, so many people gathered to watch.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course, sank to the bottom.  After ten laps, the guy with no legs won the race and everyone applauded, well, except the guy with no arms.

Noticing bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, the guy with no legs dove down and brought the head up and sat him on the side of the pool.  Coughing and sputtering, the head finally gained his composure and then turning red in the face, began shouting about how he had trained for years learning to swim with his ears and then two minutes before the race, some clown slipped a swimming cap on him.

_________________________________________________________

In 1931, mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion.  (Sentenced to 11 years, Capone was in released in 1939.)

In 1933. Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany.

In 1973, Arab-oil producing states announced they would begin cutting back on oil exports to Western nations and Japan; the result was a total embargo that lasted until March 1974.

In 1989, an earthquake measuring 7.1 on the Richter scale struck Northern California, killing 63 people and causing $6 billion worth of damage.

_____________________________________________________

Today----------------Actress Marsha Hunt is 93, Actress Julie Adams is 84, Newspaper columnist Jimmy Breslin is 80, Country Singer Earl Thomas Conley is 69, Singer Jim Seals (Seals and Croft) is 68, Singer Gary Puckett is 68, Actor Michael McKean is 63, Actress Margot Kidder is 62 and Actor George Wendt is 62.

___________________________________________________________

Sadly, Actress Barbara Billingsley (June Cleaver from "Leave it to Beaver") passed away Saturday at age 94.

_________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------Hah

Some years ago, the chaplain for the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest.  At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent game.

"I lost me temper," the player said in a thick Irish brogue, adding, "and I said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," said the priest softly.  He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father.  I got mad and punched another one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest declared, making another chalk mark.

"There's more," the player said somewhat unashamedly, "As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the 'sensitive' area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more marks on his sleeve.  "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist, Father."

"Ah......well," said the priest as he wiped the marks off his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

________________________________________________________

In 1858, the play "Our American Cousin" by Tom Taylor premiered at Laura Keene's New York theater.

In 1867, the United States took formal possession of Alaska from Russia.

In 1892, the first long-distance telephone line between New York and Chicago was officially opened (it could only handle one call at a time.)

In 1931, inventor Thomas Alva Edison died at West Orange, NJ at age 84,

In 1982, former first lady Bess Truman died at her home in Independence, Missouri.

______________________________________________________________

Today-------------Rock and Roll performer Chuck Berry is 84, Sportscaster Keith Jackson is 82, Actress Dawn Wells is 72, College and Pro Hall-of-famer Mike Ditka is 71, Actor Joe Morton is 63 and Actress Pam Dawber is 60.

_____________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------why would he want to leave?

Two men were sitting side by side on an airplane flying from Kansas to Los Angeles. 

The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to L.A.  "I've never been there, but I hate Los Angeles," he said.

"Everything you hear about L.A. is bad --- smog, traffic, and worst of all, getting shot and robbed, things stolen, carjackings, and everyone hates everyone else."

"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man.  "I live in L.A. myself.  Most of that stuff you read is media hype.  It's just not true.  You'll find L.A. is just like any other city, anywhere in America."

"Really?" responded the first.  "Boy, that makes me feel a lot better.  You say you live in L.A. -- what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."

____________________________________________________

In 1765, the Stamp Act Congress, meeting in New York, drew up a declaration of rights and liberties.

In 1781, British troops under Gen. Lord Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown, Virginia, as the American Revolution neared its end.

In 1960, the United States began a limited embargo against Cuba as President Dwight D. Eisenhower banned exports to the communist-ruled nation covering all commodities except medical supplies and certain food products.

In 1960, the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. was arrested during a sit-down protest at a lunch counter in Atlanta. (Sent to prison for a parole violation over a traffic offense, King was released after three days following an appeal by Robert F. Kennedy.)

In 1987, the stock market crashed as the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged 508 points, or 22.6 percent in value.

__________________________________________________________

Today------------------Author John Le Carre is 79, Artist Peter Max is 73, Actor Michael Gambon is 70. Actor John Lithgow is 65, Feminist activist Patricia Ireland is 65 and Singer Jeannie C. Riley is 65.

________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------wow! talk about a play on words.

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the U.K., uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.  Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today's shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank fell on its sword, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.  Furthermore, 500 staff members at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

_______________________________________________________________

In 1944, during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur stepped ashore at Leyte in the Philippines, 2 1/2 years after saying, "I shall return."

_______________________________________________________________

Today--------------Actor William Christopher is 78, Rock Singer Tom Petty is 60 and Rockabilly singer Wanda Jackson is 73.

________________________________________________________________

Sadly------------Tom Bosley (Howard Cunningham on "Happy Days") passed away on Tuesday at age 83.

______________________________________________________________

Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Oh, groan. I  need to go lie down! I love that kind of thing.

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------old but funny and probably more true than not


While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my friend the other day, I think he may have found a solution.

I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.

A new hip? Unheard of.  We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore.  You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.

Let's take care of the young people, unemployed and illegal aliens.  After all, it seems they are more deserving.

So here is the solution.

When you turn 70, you get a gun and four bullets.  You are allowed to shoot (superficially wound, not kill) two senators and two congressmen.

Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!

New teeth, great!   Need glasses, no problem.  New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart?  Well bring it on.

And who will be paying for all of this.  The same government that has suggested that you are too old for health care.  And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.  And what with prison overcrowding, we'll likely end up in the same prison and have one heck of a social life.

__________________________________________________

In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon nominated Lewis F. Powell and William H. Rehnquist to the U.S. Supreme Court.

In 1985, former San Francisco Supervisor Dan White who'd served five years in prison for killing Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk, a gay-rights advocate, was found dead in a garage, a suicide.

_________________________________________________

Today-----------Actress Joyce Randolph is 86, Rock singer Manfred Mann is 70, Singer Elvin Bishop is 68,. Actor Everett McGill is 65 and TV's Judge Judy Sheindlin is 68.

________________________________________________

Larryj