another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------a humorous look at a "hot potato" issue

I am quite aware of the opposition to the mosque and those who support its being built in close proximity to the insidious terrorist attack on Sept. 11, 2001.

If the construction proceeds I strongly suggest that Muslims show their toleration by allowing a topless bar called, "You Mecca Me Hot" right across the street.  Next to that, obviously to be fair and non-discriminatory, should be a gay establishment called, "The Turban Cowboy."

And next door to the "community center" mosque should be a pork rib restaurant called, "I Rack 'o' Ribs."

Problem solved.

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In 1995, the jury in the O.J. Simpson murder trail found the former football star not guilty of the 1994 slayings of his former wife Nicole Brown Simpson, and Ronald Goldman. (However, Simpson was later found liable in a civil trial.)

In 2008, O.J. Simpson was found guilty of robbing two sports memorabilia dealers at gunpoint in a Las Vegas hotel room.  (Simpson was later sentenced to nine to 33 years in prison.)

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Today---------------Basketball player Marques Haynes is 84, Rock and Roll star Chubby Checker is 69, Actor Alan Rachins is 68, Magician Roy Horn is 66, Singer Lindsey Buckingham is 61 and Author Gore Vidal is 85.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------yeah, so there.

Following a series of stories on religion,, a church member wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. 

"I've gone to church for 30 years now," he wrote, " and in that time I have heard something on the order of 30,000 sermons.  But for the life of me I can't remember a single one of them.  So I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" section, much to the delight of the editor.  The pros and cons dialogue went on for weeks until someone wrote the following clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years.  In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals.  But for the life of me, I cannot recall what the menu was for a single one of those meals.  But I do know this:  they all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work.  If my wife had not given me those meals, I likely would be dead today."

No more letters on the subject were received.

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In 1777, Gen. George Washington's troops launched an assault on the British at Germantown, PA., resulting in heavy American casualties.

In 1931, the comic strip "Dick Tracy" created by Chester Gould, made its debut.

In 1970, rock singer Janis Joplin, 27, was found dead in her Hollywood hotel room.

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Today----------Country Singer Leroy Van Dyke is 81, Actor Eddie Applegate is 75, Actress Felicia Farr is 75, Author Jackie Collins is 73, Author Roy Blount, Jr. is 69, Author Ann Rice is 69, Baseball Manager Tony La Russa is 66, Actor Clifton Davis is 65 . Actress Susan Sarandon is 64 and Actor Armand Assante is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------you are going to love this one

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged and the other is single.  I have been married twenty years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and mask over our eyes.  We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Following are the results:

My engaged friend:  The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you."  Then we made passionate love all night long.

My single friend:  Me too!  The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat; under it only the black bra, heels and a mask.  When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had a wild session all night.

Then I had to share my story:  When my husband came home, I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and mask.  When he came through the door and saw me he said.....................

Wait for it


"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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In 1892, the Dalton Gang, notorious for its train robberies, was practically wiped out while attempting to rob a pair of banks in Coffeyville, Kansas.

In 1921, the World Series was covered live on radio for the first time as Newark, NJ. station WJZ relayed reports from the Polo Grounds, where the New York Giants were facing the New York Yankees. (Although the Yankees won the opener, 3-0, the Giants won the series,.

In 1953, Earl Warren was sworn in as the 14th chief justice of the United States, succeeding Fred M. Vinson.

In 1962, the Beatles' first his recording, "Love Me Do", was originally released in the United Kingdom.

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Today--------------"Family Circus" cartoonist Bill Keane is 88, Actress Glynis Johns is 87, Comedian Bill Dana is 86, Singe-musician Steve Miller is 67, Actor Jeff Conaway is 60 and Rock Singer Brian Johnson (AC/DC) is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------I saw bears in Yellowstone while camping there.

A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite.  The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel.  The husband said he'd like to camp.  To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here?  Which one is more dangerous?"

The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy ---- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear.  If it doesn't climb after you, but SHAKES the tree until you fall out, that's a grizzly."

The husband reported that the motel room was quite nice.
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In 1683, thirteen families from Krefeld, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown, one of America's oldest settlements.

IN 1927, the era of "talkies" arrived with the opening of "The Jazz Singer" starring Al Jolson.

In 1960, the historical drama "Spartacus," starring Kirk Douglas and directed by Stanley Kubrick had its world premiere in New York.

In 1989, Bette Davis died in Neuilly-sur-Seine, France, at age 81.

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Today-------------Actress Britt Ekland is 68, Singer Millie Small is 64 and Singer-musician Thomas McClary is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------hmmm

A mother and baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"  The mother replies, "Well, my darling, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"Cool!," said the son.  A few minutes later, the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" 

"Well, they are there to keep the sand out of your eyes when the wind blows on the trips across the desert."

"Gosh, thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son again returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"

The mother, now a little impatient with her inquisitive son replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"Geez, what you've told me is just great, Mom.  So, we have huge feet to stop us from sinking........and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes......and these humps to store water.........so, Mom........"

"Yes, what is it now>"

"Why in the heck are we here in the San Diego Zoo?"

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IN 1777, the second Battle of Saratoga began during the American Revolution.  (British forces under Gen. John Burgoyne surrendered ten days later.)

In 1858, the fifth debate between Illinois senatorial candidates Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas took place in Galesburg.

In 1940, Artie Shaw and his Orchestra recorded Hoagy Carmichael's "Stardust" for RCA Victor.

In 1960, Democratic candidate John F. Kennedy and Republican opponent Richard M. Nixon held their second televised debate, in Washington, D.C.
and
The TV series "Route 66" premiered on CBS.

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Today---Comedian Joy Behar ("The View") is 68, Former National Security Council aide Oliver North is 67, Actress Jill Larsen (All My Children) is 63 and retired South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu is 79.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------guess where this guy is not sleeping tonight

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the recent hot spell.  He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him.

"I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now!  Tell you what -- imagine I'm out of town so you go inside and figure dinner out yourself!"

So he shrugged his shoulders and went back in the house.  He fixed himself a nice salad, a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and vegetables and a tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat?  So where is mine?"

"Oh, you're here?  I thought you were out of town."

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In 1871, the Great Chicago Fire erupted; fires also broke out in Peshtigo, WI., and in several communities in Michigan.

In 1918, American Sgt. Alvin C. York led an attack that killed 25 German soldiers and captured 132 others in the Argonne Forest in France.

In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was indicted by a grand jury in New Jersey for murder in the death of the son of Charles A. Lindbergh.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced that the secret of the atomic bomb would be shared only with Britain and Canada.

In 1956, Don Larsen pitched the only perfect game in a World Series to date as the New York Yankees beat the Brooklyn Dodgers in Game 5, 2-0.

In 1957, the Brooklyn Baseball Club announced it was accepting an offer to move the Dodgers from New York to Los Angeles.

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Today-------------Entertainment reporter Rona Barrett is 74, Actor Paul Hogan is 71, Civil Rights Activist Rev. Jesse Jackson is 69, Comedian Chevy Chase is 67, Country Singer Susan Raye is 66, TV personality Sarah Purcell is 62 and Actress Sigourney Weaver is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------win some, lose some

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.  She said she wanted to be president some day.

Her parents who happen to be loyal, liberal progressives, smiled broadly as they put their arms around each other.

"If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?"  She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow--------what a worthy goal!"  I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're president to do that.  You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep the driveway and sidewalk, and I'll pay you $50.  Then I'll take you over to the liquor store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and housing."

She thought that over for a few seconds, the she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

In said, "Whoa, now you're thinking like a conservative."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

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In 1701, the Collegiate School of Connecticut ---- later Yale -----  was chartered.

In 776, a group of Spanish missionaries settled in present-day San Francisco.

In 1930, Laura Ingalls became the first woman to fly across the United States as she completed a nine-stop journey from Roosevelt Field, N.Y., to Glendale, CA.

In 1940, rock 'n' roll legend John Lennon was born in Liverpool, England.  (His son, Sean, was born on this day, 1975.)

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Today--------------------Rhythm and Blues singer Nona Hendryx is 66 and Singer Jackson Browne is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------it's a beautiful Sunday---

Two pastor's wives were visiting while sewing their husbands' pants.  One wife sighed and said, "My husband is just beside himself -- he doesn't know what to do anymore.  And he is so tired and depressed.  He said he is ready to just give up and resign from the ministry."

The other pastor's wife said, "I'm so sorry to hear that.  It seems so odd, but my husband has never been happier.  Our membership is growing and we are out of our financial burden.  We have such a large and loving congregation.  Life just couldn't be any better than it is right now."

By the way, the first woman was mending the seat of her husband's pants;  the other woman was mending the knees.

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In 1980, Former child actor Billie Thomas who played "Buckwheat" in the "Our Gang" film shorts, died in Los Angeles at age 49.

In 1985, Actor Yul Brynner died in New York at age 65.
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Today--------------Actor Peter Coyote is 69, Entertainer Ben Vereen is 64, Actor Charles Dance is 64, Actress Jessica Harper is 61 and Author Nora Roberts (aka-"J.D. Robb") is 60

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------ya gotta watch those guys from Chicago

Three contractors were bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington, D.C.  A well-known government financial official was in charge of the affair.

The first contractor, from Florida, took out a tape measure, measured this and that, then pulled out a tablet and began totalling the costs.

"Well," he said, "I figure the job will cost $150,000;  $50,000 for materials, $50,000 for my crew and $50,000 profit for me."

A contractor from Alabama also does the measuring and figuring, then announced, "I can do this job for $100,000:  $50,000 for materials, $25,000 for my crew and $25,000 profit for me."

The contractor from Chicago leans over to the White House official and whispers, "Eight hundred thousand dollars."

The politician somewhat incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure anything.  How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$350,000 for you, $350,000 for me and we hire the guy from Alabama to fix the fence."

"My friend, you have a deal!"  the politician replied.

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In 1809, just over three years after the famous Lewis and Clark expedition ended, Meriwether Lewis was found dead in a Tennessee inn; an apparent suicide; he was 35.

In 1910, Theodore Roosevelt became the first former U.S. president to fly in an airplane during a visit to St. Louis, MO.  (The pilot of the Wright Flyer that Roosevelt flew aboard, Arch Hoxsey, was killed in a crash more than a month and a half later.)

In 1975, "NBC Saturday Night" (later "Saturday Night Live") made its debut with guest host George Carlin.

In 1984, space shuttle Challenger astronaut Kathryn Sullivan became the first American woman to walk in space.

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Today----------------Actor Earle Hyman is 84, Actor Ron Leibman is 73, Actor Amitabh Bachchan is 68 and Country Singer Gene Watson is 67.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------be careful what you ask for.

"Hey!  What in the heck is this mess?" roared the angry customer seated at the coffee shop counter as he pointed to his thoroughly squashed doughnut.

"Excuse me, sir," the waitress said politely, "but that's exactly what you ordered."

"What are you talking about?" hissed the customer.

"You told me implicitly to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it!"

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In 1492, (according to the Old Style Calendar), Christopher Columbus arrived with his expedition in the present-day Bahamas.

In 1933, bank robber John Dillinger escaped from a jail in Allen County, Ohio, with the help of his gang who killed the sheriff.

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Today----------Actress Antonia Rey is 83, Comedian-Activist Dick Gregory is 78, Singer Sam Moore (Sam and Dave) is 75, Broadcast Journalist Chris Wallace is 63 and Actress-singer Susan Anton is 60.

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Larryj