another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----------yeah, I always just say no to my wife when she wants to sing happy birthday to someone.

Joe's wife likes to sing.  She decided to join the church choir.  From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner.  Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.  His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe?  Don't you like my singing?"  Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

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In 1963, four black girls were killed when a bomb went off during Sunday services at the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama.  (Three Ku Klux Klansmen were eventually convicted for their roles in the blast.)

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Today---------Actor Forest Compton is 85, Comedian Norm Crosby is 83, Actor Henry Darrow is 77, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Gaylord Perry is 72, Actor Tommy Lee Jones is 64, Movie Director Oliver Stone is 64 and Actor-Director Jackie Cooper is 88.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

I'd lost that bombing in the passage of time. Someone on here sometime back said the the KKK only killed people who needed to be killed. I wonder how they justified the deaths of those little girls in a church.

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------GROANER

While visiting a friend in the hospital a young man noticed several pretty nurses.  Each one of them was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.

"What does the pin signify?" he asked one of them.

"Oh! Nothing, really," she said with a chuckle.  "We just use it to keep the doctors away."

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In 1940. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the Selective Training and Service Act, which set up the first peacetime military draft in U.S. history.

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Today----------Actress Janet Paige is 88, Actress Lauren Becall is 86, Blues Singer B.B. King is 85, Actor Peter Falk is 83, Actress Anne Francis is 80, Actor George Chakiris is 78, Actress Linda Miller is 68 and Actor Ed Begly, Jr. is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------Hee hee

Ralph hadn't been on a date for quite some time, and knowing this, his good friend arranges for a blind date for him.  Having been stuck in a few bad blind dates in the past, Ralph is reluctant to accept the idea.

His friend assures him that he would call during the date so he would have an excuse to leave, in case things weren't going well.  So Ralph agrees to the arrangement and later in the week he meets his date at a restaurant for dinner.

After being with his blind date all evening, Ralph couldn't handle another minute with her.  Surely enough, his phone rings and he excuses himself from the table to answer it.

When he returns to the table, he lowers his eyes, puts on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news.  My grandfather just died."  The blind date replies, "Thank heavens, if yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

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In 1862, in the bloodiest battle day in U.S. history, Union forces fought Confederate invaders in the Civil War Battle of Antietam in Maryland; more than 3,600 men were killed.

In 1920, the American Professional Football Association -- a precursor of the National Football League -- was formed in Canton, Ohio.

In 1959, groundbreaking took place for Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles.

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Today-----------Pro Football Hall-of-Famer George Blanda is 83, Actor David Huddleston is 80 and Los Angeles Lakers Coach Phil Jackson is 65.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------see if you can follow this one!

Wow!  This is so creepy!  At the end, you'll wonder how can it be?  First, let's begin slowly.  Please take a deep breath, hold it, and exhale slowly.  Good, you're doing fine.  Now, think of a letter between C and Q.  Say that letter you have chosen out loud.  Now, think of an animal's name that begins with that letter.  Super.

Now, repeat that animal's name out loud.

This is great, isn't it?  Of course it is.  Now then, think of a person's name that begins with the LAST letter in the animal's name but is no longer that 10 letters.  Good.  Now, count out loud the letters in that name using a finger for each letter.  I know it's a little confusing, but please do it anyway.  Thanks.

Now, hold out your hand (or hands) in front of you with the palms open and held at face level.

Look at your palm (or palms).  Now clap your hands together ONE time.  Now look at your right hand.  Do the lines in the palm of your hand form the first letter of the person's name?

Of course they don't-------------------------------gotcha.

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In 1793, President George Washington laid the cornerstone of the U.S. Capitol.

In 1850, Congress passed the Fugitive Slave Act, which created a force of federal commissioners charged with returning escaped slaves to theirs owners.

In 1975, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was  captured by the FBI in San Francisco, 19 months after being kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.

In 1927, the Columbia Phonograph Broadcasting System (later CBS) made its on-air debut with a basic network of 16 radio stations.

In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.

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Today----------------Singer Jimmy Rodgers is 77, Actor Robert Blake is 77, Actor Fred Willard is 71, Singer Frankie Avalon is 70 and Actress Anna Deavere Smith is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------it's Sunday

Two elderly high-spirited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of the church listening to a fiery sermon by the preacher.

When this reverend condemned the sin of stealing, the two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, the two ladies yelled again, "YES, OH YEAH, PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher-man condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "LORDY, LORDY, THAT'S RIGHT, BROTHER!  TELL IT LIKE IT IS!  AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two were absolutely silent.  One lady turned to the other and harrumphed, "Well now!  He's quit preachin' and turned to meddlin'!"

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In 1777, during the Revolutionary War, American soldiers won the first Battle of Saratoga.

In 1796, President George Washington's farewell address was published.

In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was arrested in New York and charged with the kidnap-murder of Charles A. Lindbergh Jr.

In 1957, the United States conducted its first contained underground nuclear test, code-named "Rainier" in the Nevada desert.

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Today------------Actress Rosemary Harris is 83, Baseball Hall-of-famer Edwin "Duke" Snider is 84, Actor Adam West is 80, Singer-songwriter Paul Williams is 70, Singer Bill Medley is 70, Actor Jeremy Irons is 62, Actress Twiggy Lawson is 61, TV personality Joan Lunden is 60 and TV host James Lipton is 84.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------I think this has been on the forum before

Today we should mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.  Mr. Sense had been with us for many years.  No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic shenanigans.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as fairness and truth.  Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (Parents, not children are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well-meaning, but overbearing regulations were set in place.  Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate on the cheek, teens suspended from school for using mouth-wash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense's health declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than the victims.

Common Sense could not go on when the leaders passed an important 2,000-page health care bill without knowing what was in it.  The Speaker of the House informed the public that the contents of the Bill would be known after the bill was passed.  And in another instance those very same leaders gave a standing ovation to a foreign president after he objected to one of the united states enforcing a federal law.

And with his final breath, Common Sense asked why half the citizens of the United States do not pay ANY income taxes while the other half pays it all.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility and his son, Reason.  His is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Sadly not many people attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

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In 1884, the National Equal Rights Party was formed during a convention of suffragists in San Francisco; the convention nominated Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood for president.

IN 1958, Martin Luther King Jr. was seriously wounded during a book signing at a New York City department store when Izola Curry stabbed him in the chest.  (Curry was late found mentally incompetent.

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Today-----------Singer Gogi Grant is 86, Actress-comedian Anne Meara is 81 and Actress Sophia Loren is 76.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------sorry to be late

During military basic training, the lieutenant took a batch of new recruits on a march and during a break, asked each of them where their home was.  After everyone had answered, he sneered and said, "You are all WRONG!  This is your home, don't forget it!"

Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to add.

"You bet I do," the sergeant replied.

Turning to the troops he said, "While you clowns were out traipsing around today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, unshined shoes and footlockers in a mess.

"Where," he demanded, "do you think you are -------------HOME?"

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In 1937, "The Hobbit," by J.R.R. Tolkien, was first published.

In 1987, NFL players called a strike, mainly over the issue of free agency.  (The 24-day walkout prompted football owners to hire replacement players.)

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Today-----------------Actor Karl Slover ("The Wizard of Oz") is 92, Actor Larry Hagman is 79, Poet-songwriter Leonard Cohen is 76, Producer Jerry Bruckheimer is 63, Actor-comedian Bill Murray is 60 and Author Stephen King is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------whoopsie

During a visit to the doctor, Betty Lou noticed that, after she got off the scales, the doctor was shaking his head, albeit slightly.  Betty Lou said, "Doctor, may I ask you a question?"

"Well, yes, of course," the doctor said.

"Do you think I've put on weight since my last physical?"

"Well, uh," he said, "no, no you haven't."

"Thank you," Betty Lou said, "That makes me feel a little better."

"You're most certainly welcome," he said as he reached for a tongue depressor, "Now then," he said smiling, "Open your mouth and moo."

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In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, declaring all slaves in rebel states should be free as of Jan. 1, 1863.

In 1989, songwriter Irving Berlin died in New York City at age 101.

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Today------------NBA Commissioner David Stern is 68, Actor Paul Le Mat is 64 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Tommy Lasorda is 83.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------Wait! What? Who?

The married businessman executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation.  After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this, his newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend:  "Take the next plane for a fun week on me.  Bring my wife and your girlfriend/secret lover."

His friend was quick to wire back:  "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 A.M.  How long have you known about us?"

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In 1780, British spy John Andre was captured along with papers revealing Benedict Arnold's plot to surrender West Point to the British.

In 1806, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis more than two years after setting out for the Pacific Northwest.

In 1957, nine black students who had entered Little Rock Central High School in Arkansas were forced to withdraw because of a white mob outside.

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Today------------Actor Mickey Rooney is 90, Actress Margaret Pellegrini ("The Wizard of Oz") is 87, Singer Julio Iglesias is 67, Actor Paul Peterson (The Donna Reed Show) is 65, Actress-Singer Mary Kay Place is 63 and "The Boss" Bruce Springsteen is 61.

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Larryj