another slice of wry

[Warph]

Mitzi is 79... wow, and to think I was in love with her eons ago... how time flies. 

And I say this, because I wanted to be the number 700th on "replys."

Keep up the good work on "another slice of wry" Larry.  I
read it every day.  One of the best things on this forum.

[larryJ]

Okay, let's get caught up.

Sunday's---------------Yeah, that'll show 'em!

A patient had been diagnosed with a strange disease, not frequently seen in the United States.

He complained to his doctor, "I've been to two other doctors and neither one agree with your diagnosis."

"One said it was tuberculosis, and one said that it was possibly a tumor, but he'd have to run some tests to prove if it was malignant or not."

The doctor calmly replied, "well, then, we'll just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

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In 1960, at the Rome Olympics, American boxer Cassius Clay (Muhammed Ali) defeated Zbigniew Pietrzykowski of Poland to win the light-heavyweight gold medal.

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Sunday---------Comedian-Actor Bob Newhart was 81, Actress-Singer Carol Lawrence was 78, Actor William Devane was 71, Singer Al Stewart was 65, "Cathy" cartoonist Cathy Guisewite was 60 and Actress Raquel Welch turned 70.

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Monday's------------------and on and on and on

A contract law professor asked one of his better students, "If you, as an attorney, were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange for you."

"No, no, you dolt!"  the outraged professor said, "you're a lawyer --- think and act like one!"

"Yes, sir!  All right.  I would tell that person, whomever it might be, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claims, title, claim and advantages of and in, said edible fruit, commonly known as an orange, together with all its rind, pith, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise consume the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind, pith and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whosoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...........

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In 1860, social activist Jane Addams, who became the first American woman to win the Nobel Peace Prize, was born in Cedarville, Illinois.

In 1901, President William McKinley was shot and mortally wounded by anarchist Leon Czolgosz at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, NY.  (McKinley died eight days later; he was succeeded by Vice President Theodore Roosevelt.  Czolgosz was executed in October 1901.)

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Monday------------Comedian Joanne Worley was 73 and Comedian-Actress Jane Curtain was 63.

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Today's--------------------Remember I don't write them.

Some years ago, the manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood received the following testimonial from a little old lady who lived on a farm in Tennessee.

"Afore takin' yer tonic," the woman wrote, ""I wuz too tired to hoe the fields and pick the cotton.  But after only two bottles of yer delicious mixture, I'm now known as the best cotton-pickin' hoer in all the county."

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In 1892, James J. Corbett knocked out John L. Sullivan to win the world heavyweight crown in New Orleans in a fight conducted under the Marquess of Queensbury rules.

In 1968, feminists protested outside the Miss America pageant in Atlantic City, N.J. (The pageant crown went to Miss Illinois, Judith Ford.)

In 1979, the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (ESPN) made its cable TV debut.

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Today-----------------Sen. Daniel Inouye (D-Hawaii) is 86, Jazz musician Sonny Rollins is 80 and Singer Gloria Gaynor is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------yeah, who'd thunk it?

A man and his wife are dining at a very popular and plush restaurant.  The husband keeps staring through the open arches into the cocktail area at a woman sitting at the bar, tossing back drink after drink.

"Do you know that woman?" the wife inquires.

"Yes," sighs the husband.  "She's my ex-girlfriend.  It's my understanding that she took to drinking right after we split up five years ago...........I've heard she hasn't been sober since."

"Good Lord," exclaims the wife, "who would have thought a person could celebrate that long?"

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In 1900, Galveston, Texas, was struck by a hurricane that killed an estimated 8,000 people.

In 1920, New York-to-San Francisco air mail service was inaugurated.

In 1930, Scotch cellophane tape made its debut as a sample was shipped to a Chicago firm that specialized in wrapping.

In 1974, President Gerald R. Ford granted an unconditional pardon to former President Richard M. Nixon.

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Today------------------Ventriloquist Willie Tyler is 70, Actor Alan Feinstein is 69, Cajun singer Zachary Richard is 60 and Comedian Sid Caesar is 88.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------sorry to be late, it's been a busy day.

After numerous years in college and medical school, and following a long and tedious residency, young Dr. Klondyke embarked on a career in psychiatry.

Unfortunately, he died.  When he reached heaven, St. Peter greeted him at the pearly gates.  Dr. Klondyke was not happy about having been taken so young, and he complained quite loudly about his fate.

St. Peter explained, "We have a serious problem up here, and we need your help right now."

Dr. Klondyke replied, "But why me?  Why not some psychiatrist who is older, more experienced and ready to go?"

St. Peter, in a low voice said, "We needed someone familiar with the judicial trend on earth at this time."

"I still don't understand."

St. Peter responded, "It's God.  He thinks he's a federal judge."

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In 1776, the second Continental Congress made the term "United States" official, replacing "United Colonies."

In 1830, Charles Durant flew a balloon from New York City across the Hudson River to Perth Amboy, N.J

In 1850, California became the 31st state of the union.

In 1926, the National Broadcasting Co. (NBC) was incorporated by the Radio Corp. of America.

In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed into law the first civil rights bill to pass Congress since the Reconstruction.

In 1971, prisoners seized control of the maximum-security Attica Correctional Facility near Buffalo, N.Y., beginning a siege that ended up claiming 43 lives.

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Today----------Actor Cliff Robertson is 87, Actor Topol is 75, Singer Inez Foxx is 68, Singer Dee Dee Sharp is 65, Country Singer Freddy Weller is 63 and College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Joe Theismann is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------dagnab it, late again. 

Granny, 89, still drives her own car.  She writes:

Dear ones, the other day I went up to our local Christian Book Store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.  I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; you can't imagine what an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about how good life is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.  While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

I found that lots of people love Jesus!  Everyone started honking!

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!  I saw another guy waving with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my grandson what that meant.

He said it was probably a good luck sign or something.  Well, I didn't want to appear selfish, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  They wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.  I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.  So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Take care----Love Granny

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In 108, John Smith was elected president of the Jamestown colony council in Virginia.

In 1919, New York City welcomed home Gen. John J. Pershing and 25,000 soldiers who'd served in the U.S. First Division during World War I.

In 1963, 20 black students entered Alabama public schools  following a standoff between federal authorities and Gov. George C. Wallace.

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Today----------------Golfer Arnold Palmer is 81, Singer Jose Feliciano is 65, Former Canadian First Lady Margaret Trudeau is 62 and Political Commentator Bill O'Reilly is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------I am NOT going to use my spell checker on this one.  (trick is to read slowly)

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

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In 1970, Ford Motor Co. introduced the Pinto, a compact that would become caught up in controversy over the safety of its gas tank.  (The Pinto was discontinued in 1980.)

In 1985, Pete Rose of the Cincinnati Reds cracked career hit number 4,192 off Eric Show of the San Diego Padres, eclipsing the record held by Ty Cobb.

In 2001, nearly 3,000 people were killed on America's worst day of terrorism.  Hijackers seized four jetliners, two of which smashed into the World Trade Center, causing the twin towers to fall; one jetliner plowed into the Pentagon; and the fourth was crashed into a field in Pennsylvania.

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Today------------Actress Betsy Drake is 87, Sen. Daniel Akaka, D-Hawaii, is 86, Movie Director Brian De Palma is 70 and Actress Amy Madigan is 60.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

I liked your spell checker joke. I sometimes don't think people realize, from an old teachers point of view, how tiring it is on the eyes to read that kind of thing over and over when one has 30 or so papers to check. We finally had to put "no text or computer language" out for the fire prevention contest essays because spelling does count in judging. U R sew write! EEEEK!

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------it's Sunday

The preacher's little boy inquired, "Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the podium and bow your head in prayer.  What are you praying about?"

The father explained, "I'm asking the Lord to inspire me so I can give a good sermon."

The little boy thought for a minute, the said, "Why doesn't he?"

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In 1992, the space shuttle Endeavour blasted off, carrying with it Mark Lee and Jan Davis, the first married couple in space; Mae Jemison, the first black woman in space; and Mamoru Mohri, the first Japanese citizen to fly on a U.S. spaceship.

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Today------------------------Actor Dickie Moore (Our Gang) is 85, Actor Freddie Jones is 83, Country Singer George Jones is 79, Actress Linda Gray is 70 and Singer Maria Muldaur is 67.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------another whoopsie

Kristina had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town.

One day at the grocery store, she used the last of her personalized checks bearing her old address.

The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct.

Kristina assured her that it was, and as the cashier started to put the check in the cash drawer she inquired once again if everything was correct on the check.

"Why do you ask?" Kristina responded.

"Because,"  the clerk replied, "my husband and I moved into a charming apartment yesterday at the address indicated on your check, and I just don't remember seeing you at breakfast this morning."

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In 1788, the Congress of the Confederation authorized the first national election, and declared New York City the temporary national capital.

In 1959, Elvis Presley first met his future wife, 14-year-old Priscilla Beaulieu, while stationed in West Germany.  (They married in 1967, but divorced in 1973.)

In 1971, a four-day inmates rebellion at the Attica Correctional Facility in western New York ended as police and guards stormed the prison; the ordeal and final assault claimed 43 lives.

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Today------Actress Barbara Bain is 79, Actress Eileen Fulton ("As the World Turns") is 77, TV Producer Fred Silverman is 73, Actor Richard Kiel is 71 and Actress Jacqueline Bisset is 66.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------smart man

There once was a couple who named their son Odd.  All of the other children used to tease him about his name, but he stuck out his chest and refused to acknowledge the teasing.  All through his life people continued to make fun of his name, even after he became quite successful.

Finally, as an old man, he wrote out his last wishes.

"I have been the butt of jokes all my life,"he wrote, "so I'll not have people making fun of me after I'm gone."  He instructed that his tombstone be left absolutely blank.

Eventually, he did pass on, but even after he was gone, visitors to the cemetery couldn't help but notice the large, blank headstone and invariably comment, "That's odd."

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In 1814, Francis Scott Key wrote a poem after witnessing how Fort McHenry in Maryland had endured a night of British bombardment during the War of 1812; that poem, "Defiance of Fort McHenry," later became the lyrics to "The Star Spangled Banner," the American national anthem.   

In 1901, President William McKinley died in Buffalo, NY, of gunshot wounds inflicted by an assassin.  Vice President Theodore Roosevelt succeeded him.


In 1948, a groundbreaking ceremony took place in New York at the site of the United Nations' world headquarters.

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Today-------------------Actress Zoe Caldwell is 77, Feminist author Kate Millet is 76, Singer-Actress Joey Heatherton is 66, Actor San Neil is 63 and Actor Walter Koenig is 75.

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Larryj