another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------stupid one, just stupid

Ulena walked into her doctor's office and was quickly escorted to an examination room.

She had a sausage coming out of her left ear, a piece of waffle coming out of her nose, a slice of bacon coming out of her other ear and three eggs (sunny-side-up) on top of her head.

As the doctor entered the room, Ulena exclaimed worriedly, "Doctor, doctor, what in the world is wrong with me?"

The doctor, looking at her over his spectacles, replies, "Offhand, I'd say you're not eating right."

(sorry I forgot to say "groaner")

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In 1943, U.S. forces liberated New Georgia in the Solomon Islands from the Japanese during World War II.

In 2009, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, the liberal lion of the U.S. Senate, died at age 77 in Hyannis Port, Mass., of a brain tumor.

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Today-----------------Actor Sean Connery is 80, Talk show/game show host Regis Philbin is 79, Actor Tom Skerritt is 77, Rock Singer-actor Gene Simmons is 61, Actor John Savage is 61 and Game Show Host Monty Hall is 89.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------well, she is listening

While marking her pupil's social studies test papers, the teacher was in a quandary about the answer given by Mylla, one of the second-graders in her class.

Asked to name the four major directions, Mylla had written:

"Listen carefully.  Write neatly.  Sit up straight.  Raise your hand."

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In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, guaranteeing American women the right to vote, was certified in effect by Secretary of State Bainbridge Colby.

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Today---------------Former Democratic vice-president nominee Geraldine Ferraro is 75, Actress Francine York is 74, Singer Vic Dana is 68, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Valerie Simpson is 64 and Pop Singer Bob Cowsill (The Cowsills) is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------almost a groaner


A colony of bats, hanging on the ceiling of the cave, became aware of Clyde, a member of their group, standing upright underneath them on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this quite unusual behavior, they bellow at their friend:

"What in the heck are you doing down there, Clyde?"

The little guy looks up at them and shouts, "Yoga!"

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In 1962, the United States launched the Mariner 2 space probe, which flew past Venus in December 1962.

In 1989, the first U.S. commercial satellite rocket was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida  -- A Delta booster carrying a British communications satellite, the Marcopolo 1.

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Today----------------Cajun-country singer Jimmy C. Newman is 83, Actor Tommy Sands is 73, Bluegrass singer-musician J.D. Crowe is 73, Musician Daryl Dragon is 68, Actress Tuesday Weld is 67, Actress Marianne Sagebrecht is 65 and Actress Barbara Bach is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------old but still funny

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last week?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied, "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques; visualization, association, etc.  It was great."

"Wow!  Hey, the wife and I should go to that.  What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank.  He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.  Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, " What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns and smells good?"

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, yes, that's it!"  He then turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

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In 1955, Emmett Till, a black teenager from Chicago, was abducted from his uncle's home in Money, Miss. by two white men after he had supposedly whistled at a white woman:  he was found brutally slain three days later.

In 1963, 200,000 people participated in a peaceful civil rights rally in Washington, D.C., where Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., delivered his 'I have a Dream' speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial.

In 1968, police and anti-war demonstrators clashed in the streets of Chicago as the Democratic national convention nominated Hubert H. Humphrey for president.
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Today----Country Singer Billy Grammer is 85, Actor Ben Gazzara is 80, Actor David Soul is 67, Former MLB manager Lou Pinella is 67 and Actress Debra Mooney is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Yesterday's----------------------We had a nice weekend away--a gift from our wonderful daughter-in-law

One of Brad's first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car needing a new fender and some door repairs.  He spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he wasn't pleased. 

"What's wrong?" Brad asked.

Pointing to the side of the car, the customer complained about the paint not matching. uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems.  He demanded an explanation.

"The repairs," Brad exclaimed, "were made to the other side of the car."

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In 1958, pop superstar Michael Jackson was born in Gary, Indiana.

In 1966, the Beatles concluded their fourth American tour with their last public tour, at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.

In 2005, Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast near Buras, Louisiana; the resulting floods devastated the city of New Orleans.  More than 1,800 people in the region died.

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Today------------Actor Elliott Gould is 72, TV Personality Robin Leach is 69 and Actor Ray Wise is 63.

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Today's----------------These sound like fun!

How to create additional excitement for the bride on her wedding day.

Have someone start "the wave" and toss a beach ball around the congregation during the ceremony.

Change the vows from "until death do us part" to "until the first tribal council."

Tell her all the pre-wedding counseling sessions with the minister have convinced you to enter the priesthood.

Wear you cell phone earpiece at the altar.

Add real chickens to the chicken dance.

Tell her that after speaking to he maid of honor, you're a little surprised she chose to wear white.

Swap her wedding dress with an exact replica that's two sizes smaller.

Tape a "Wide Load" sign to her backside right before she walks down the aisle.

"Wedding? That was today?"

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In 1861, Union Gen. John C. Fremont instituted martial law in Missouri and declared slaves to be free.  (However, Fremont's order was countermanded days later by President Abraham Lincoln.)

In 1905, Ty Cobb made his major-league debut as a player for the Detroit Tigers, hitting a double in his first-at-bat in a game against the New York Highlanders.

In 1967, the Senate confirmed the appointment of Thurgood Marshall as the first black justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

In 1997, Americans received word of the car crash in Paris that claimed the lives of Princess Diana, Dodi Fayad and their driver, Henri Paul.  (Because of the time difference, it was Aug. 31 where the crash occurred.)

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Today-------------------Actor Bill Daily is 83, Actress Elizabeth Ashley is 71, Actor Ben Jones is 69, Olympic gold medal skier Jean-Claude Killy is 67, Actress Peggy Lipton is 63 and Country Singer Kitty Wells is 91.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------Arghhhh!

The guy says, "Doc, I'm having performance problems in the bedroom."  The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your agility and ability.  I can accomplish this in a series of operations spread out over a 30-day period and will cost $12,000.

"Or," the doctor continued while his patient regained his composure, "I can bring you back to A-1 condition in one operation right away that would cost $30,000.  Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

The next day the fellow comes back into the doctor's office and the doctor asks, "Well, what did you decide?"

The fellow says, "My wife says we're going to re-do the kitchen."

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In 1969, boxer Rocky Marciano died in a light plane crash in Iowa, a day before his 46th birthday.

In 1985, Richard Ramirez, later convicted of California's "Night Stalker" killings, was captured by residents of an East Los Angeles neighborhood.

In 1986, 82 people were killed when an Aeromexico jetliner and a small private plane collided of Cerritos, CA.

(Personal note:  On the day the planes collided, we were on the 605 freeway headed south to the beach for the day and as we passed through Cerritos, we could see a black plume of smoke to the east of us.  We did not know what it was until later when we saw the news.)

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Today-----------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson is 75, Actor Warren Berlinger is 73, Rock Musician Jerry Allison (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 70, Actor Jack Thompson is 70, Violinist Itzhak Pearlman is 65, Singer-songwriter Van Morrison is 65 and Actor Richard Gere is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------Good one

"Oh no!" the father gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.  Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it.  How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son, Glenn.  Only the slim hope of finding Glenn kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.  He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path.  He moved ahead slowly.

"Glenn!  Glenn!" he called out.  He tripped and almost fell several times.  He heard someone or something move.  At least he thought he did.  He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened.  There was some light but not enough to see very much.  Something cold and wet brushed against his hand.  He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Glenn!"  From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son.  "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

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In 1807, former Vice President Aaron Burr was found not guilty of treason.  (Burr was then tried on a misdemeanor charge, but was again acquitted.

In 1985, a U.S.-French expedition located the wreckage of the Titanic on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean roughly 400 miles off Newfoundland.

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Today-------------Actor George Maharis is 82, Actor Don Stroud is 67, Singer Archie Bell is 66, Singer Barry Gibb is 64, talk show host Dr. Phil McGraw is 60 and Comedian-Actress Lily Tomlin is 71.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------old, probably a repeat, but still funny

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished when there was a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of thunder, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor, smiled and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

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In 1945, Japan formally surrendered in ceremonies aboard the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, ending World War II.

In 1969, in what some regard as the birth of the Internet, two connected computers at UCLA passed test data through a 15-foot cable.

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Today---------Dancer-Actress Marge Champion is 91, Jazz Musician Horace Silver is 82, Former Olympic Committee Chairman Peter Uberoth is 73, Rhythm-and-blues singer Sam Gooden (The Impressions) is 71, Singer Jimmie Clanton is 70, Singer Joe Simon is 67, Football Hall-of-Famer Terry Bradshaw is 62 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Nate Archibald is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------Hee Hee

The personnel office received an e-mail requesting a listing of the department staff breakdown by age and sex.

The director of the personnel office sent this reply:  "Attached is a list of our staff.  We currently have no one broken down by age or sex.  However, we strongly suspect we have a few alcoholics."

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In 1976, America's Viking 2 lander touched down on Mars to take the first close-up, color photographs of the planet's surface.

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Today-------------"Beetle Bailey" cartoonist Mort Walker is 87, Actress Anne Jackson is 84, Actress Eileen Brennan is 78, Country Singer Tompall Glaser is 77, Actress Pauline Collins is 70, Rock singer-musician Al Jardine is 68 and Actress Valerie Perrine is 67.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------wait--today is Saturday, not Sunday

A nice gentleman who was a regular at church services every Sunday had just passed on and was at the Gates of Heaven.  As he prepared to enter an angel appeared by his side and asked him if he knew God's earthly name.

The fellow said, "Oh yes, that's easy----his name is Andy."

"Andy!" the angel exclaimed.  "What makes you think his name is Andy?"

"Well," the man said, "it must be because we always sing the song each Sunday, 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me......'"

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In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers under the leadership of Governor Felipe de Neve.

In 1886, a group of Apache Indians led by Geronimo surrendered to Gen. Nelson Miles at Skeleton Canyon in Arizona.

In 1969, the Food and Drug Administration issued a report calling birth control pills "safe" despite a slight risk of fatal blood-clotting disorders linked to the pills.

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Today-------------Singer Merald "Bubba" Knight (Gladys Knight and the Pips) is 68, World Golf Hall of Famer Raymond Floyd is 68, Actress Jennifer Salt is 66, World Golf Hall of Famer Tom Watson is 61 and Actress Mitzi Gaynor is 79.

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Larryj