another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------whoopsies

Working as an office manager at an international airport, Maureen had an office adjacent to a room where security personnel temporarily held suspicious persons for questioning. 

One day, security officers were talking with a man when they were suddenly called away on an emergency.  To the horror of Maureen and her three colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.  After a few minutes, the door opened and the man began to walk out.

Summoning their courage, all four ladies stood up blocking his exit and in a unanimous no-nonsense tone of voice barked, "You, you get back in there and don't you make a move until you're told to, is that clear?"

The man nodded, slowly backed back into the room and quickly shut the door.

When the security personnel returned, Maureen advised them of their encounter and, without a word, the security folks went into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

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In 1680, Pueblo Indians launched a successful revolt against Spanish colonists in present-day New Mexico.

In 1949, the National Military Establishment was renamed the Department of Defense.

In 1969, Leno and Rosemary LaBianca were murdered in their Los Angeles home by members of the Charles Manson cult, one day after actress Sharon Tate and four other people were slain.

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Today----------Actress Rhonda Fleming is 87, Singer Eddie Fisher is 82, Singer Ronnie Spector is 67, Actor James Reynolds is 64 and Singer Patti Austin is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

BONUS                              BONUS                          BONUS                                 BONUS

I  got this one in an e-mail today and wanted to pass it on.  (doing it from memory, so it is not word for word.)

President Barack Obama was invited and attended the National Conference of Indian Tribal Chiefs.  The President spoke on and on about how the Indian nation was vitally important to the interests of the country and that he was going to make sure that all tribes got the monetary support they needed and the full support of the United States government.  The tribal chiefs, in turn, gave the president his Indian name, Walking Eagle.

With that, the president left and went on to a fundraiser.  A reporter who was covering the whole affair approached one of the leaders of the tribal chiefs and asked, "What does the name 'Walking Eagle' mean?"

The tribal chief responded, "Walking Eagle mean 'big bird so full of crap, it can't fly."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------Another "from the mouths of babes"

As a dental hygienist, Kathy had an entire family come in one day for an examination and cleaning.

By the time she was ready for the father, he informed her that she had an awful lot to live up to.  He said his 6-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very, very, smart lady" was going to clean their teeth that day.

The father said she kept going on and on about Kathy's intelligence and skill until he finally asked how she came to that conclusion. 

The little girl looked at her father and explained, "Because every time I come here, everybody calls her the Dental High Genius."

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In 1934, the first federal prisoners arrived at the island prison Alcatraz in San Francisco Bay.

In 1965, rioting and looting that claimed 34 lives broke out in the predominately black Watts section of Los Angeles.

In 1992, the Mall of America opened in Bloomington, Minnesota.

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Today-------------Actress Arlene Dahl is 82, Actress Anne Massey is 73, Country Singer John Conlee is 64 and Computer scientist and Apple co-fonder Steve Wozniak is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------what? did you say something?

The other evening my friends Dave and Donna were having their evening meal and Dave was quite impressed with the meat entree.

As Donna went to the kitchen, Dave asked her, "What did you marinate this in?"

Donna immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life just wouldn't be the same without him, etc., etc.  As she returned to the table, his quite puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own.  "Uh, what did you ask me?"

She chuckled at his reply and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"

As she once again left the room, he called out, "Well -- would you marry me again?"

Looking over her shoulder she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

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In 1859, poet and English professor Katherine Lee Bates, who wrote the words to "America the Beautiful," was born in Falmouth, Mass.

In 1867, President Andrew Johnson sparked a move to impeach him as  he defied Congress by suspending Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton.

In 1970, President Richard Nixon signed the Postal Reorganization Act that abolished the U.S. Post Office Department in favor of the independently run United States Postal Service.

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Today------------Actor George Hamilton is 71, Actress Dana Ivey is 69, Actress Jennifer Warren is 69, Actor Jim Beaver is 60, Singer Kid Creole is 60 and your fellow forum member, husband, father, grandfather, ever grateful and happy, all-around good guy Larry Jordan is 67!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------Okay---there are groaners and then there are big groaners, but this one?  AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH

A traveling ballet troupe decided to perform "Swan Lake".  All the members spent months rehearsing and two days before going on the road, they planned a dress rehearsal.

Unfortunately, moths had gotten into the wardrobe and destroyed all the tutus.  Making matters even more dire, there was no place in town to buy new ones.

The producer immediately set about calling various cities.  Eventually, he found a shop owner that promised to deliver the tutus by train the very next day. 

Not knowing the exact arrival time, the producer wasted no time getting to the station.  As he was standing all alone on the platform next to the tracks, the station master asked if he needed help.

"No, thanks," the producer said, "I'm just waiting for the tutu train."

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In 1846, the American flag was raised for the first time in Los Angeles.

In 1910, Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing, died in London at age 90.

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Today---------Former Cuban President Fidel Castro is 84, Actor Pat Harrington is 81, Former U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders is 77, Actor Kevin Tighe is 66, Actress Gretchen Corbett is 63 and Hockey Hall of Famer Bobby Clarke is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------Another "whoopsie"

Kathy and her husband, Steve, went out for dinner and dancing with his rather stern, elderly boss and his wife.

When Steve began a tale, which Kathy was sure he had told before, she gave him a kick under the table.  There was no response and Steve rambled on.  So Kathy gave him another vigorous kick and still the story went on. 

Suddenly Steve stopped in mid-sentence and said, "I'm sorry, I forgot I told you this story before," and he then changed the subject by asking his wife to dance.

On the dance floor, Kathy asked Steve why it had taken so long to get her message.

"What do you mean?" he asked.  "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But sweetheart, I kicked you twice," Kathy said, "and it still took you a long time to stop."

Suddenly they realized what likely had occurred.

Sheepishly they returned to the table.  The boss and his wife were smiling as he said, "Don't worry about the under-the-table shenanigans.........after the second kick, I figured it wasn't meant for me, so I passed it along."

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In 1908, a race riot erupted in Springfield, Illinois, as a white mob began setting black-owned homes and businesses on fire; at least two blacks and five whites were killed in the violence.

In 1909, the newly opened Indianapolis Motor Speedway held its first event, a series of motorcycle races.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act into law.

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Today, Singer Buddy Greco is 84, Baseball Hall-of-Fame coach Earl Weaver is 80, Rock Singer David Crosby is 69, Country Singer Connie Smith is 69, Comedian-actor Steve Martin is 65, Actor Antonio Fargas is 64, Actress Susan Saint James is 64, Author Danielle Steel is 63 and "Far Side" cartoonist Gary Larsen is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------and danged near wiped out the curio shop too------------

As the Southwest jet airliner was flying over Arizona towards New Mexico, on a very clear day, the pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about the various landmarks.

"Coming up on the left," he said, "is the famous Meteor Crater, a major tourist attraction a short distance from Flagstaff."

"It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles per hour.  The impact scattered white-hot debris for miles in every direction and left a depression nearly a mile across and 570 feet deep."

From the cabin a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow!  It just missed the I-40!"

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In 1914, the Panama Canal opened to traffic.

In 1935, humorist Will Rogers and aviator Wiley Post were killed when their airplane crashed near Point Barrow in the Alaska Territory.

In 1969,  the Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened in upstate New York.

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Today--------------Actress Rose Marie is 87, Actor Mike Connors is 85, Civil Rights Activist Vernon Jordan is 75, Britain's Princess Anne is 60 and Actress Tess Harper is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------------the law is the law

A beautiful woman was visiting a famous castle on the coast of Northern California admiring all of the fantastic artifacts, rooms and grounds.  Among her favorites was the large, Roman swimming pool.

Shortly before the end of the afternoon tour, she decided she would hide and then, pretending to be a famous movie star, would go skinny-dipping in the glorious pool.

After the tour buses departed she stepped from her hiding place and removed her clothing and slowly paraded around the pool.  As the approached the side of the pool and prepared to dive in, she heard a rustling noise in the bushes and a security man, who had been watching her all along, emerged.  He stared at her for a very long time before announcing, "I'm sorry, swimming is prohibited."

"Why," she said angrily, "didn't you tell me that before I took off all my clothes?

"Swimming is prohibited," he said admiringly, "undressing is not."

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In 1777, American forces won the Revolutionary War Battle of Bennington.

In 1948, baseball legend Babe Ruth died in New York at age 53.

In 1954, Sports Illustrated was first published by Time Inc.

In 1977, Elvis Presley died at his Graceland estate in Memphis, Tenn., at age 42.

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Today---------------Actress Ann Blythe is 82, Football Hall of Fame and sportscaster Frank Gifford is 80, Singer Edie Gorme is 79, Actor John Standing is 76, Actor Gary Clarke is 74, Actress Leslie Ann Warren is 64 and Actress Julie Newmar is 77.


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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------maybe not such a good suggestion---

When Clarence's wife ran away with another man, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.  Clarence revealed in detail his feelings to the all-wise shrink and sobbed, "Life just is not worth living."

"You mustn't feel that way," the doctor admonished.  "You will get over this, believe me.  Meanwhile, let work be your salvation.  I want you to completely immerse yourself in your work.  Now then, what do you do for a living?"

"I clean out septic tanks," Clarence said softly.

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In 1863, Federal batteries and ships began bombarding Fort Sumter in Charleston harbor during the Civil War.

In 1969, Hurricane Camille slammed into the Mississippi coast as a Category 5 storm that was blamed for 256 deaths.

In 2000, Al Gore accepted the Democratic nomination for president, pledging a "better, fairer, more prosperous America."

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Today----------Actress Maureen O'Hara is 90, Baseball All-Star Boog Powell is 69, Rock Musician Gary Talley (The Box Tops) is 63 and Actor Robert DeNiro is 67.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------old, but still funny

One summer evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot.  So he thought he'd give a hoot back.

To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again.  The man hooted again..............and so did the owl.  And on it went for the next hour or so.  The next night the same scenario occurred.

All summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.  He even kept a log of the "conversations."  Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with the wife of their next door neighbor.

"I always know where to find my husband," she commented, chuckling, "he spends his nights out in the back yard calling to owls."

"Well, that's interesting," the neighbor replied, "So does my husband."

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In 1587, Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents to be born on American soil,, on what is now Roanoke Island in North Carolina.  (However, the Roanoke colony ended up mysteriously disappearing.)

In 1846, U.S. forces led by Gen. Stephen W. Kearny captured Santa Fe, NM.

In 1894, Congress established the Bureau of Immigration.

In 1910, floral delivery service FTD began under the name Florist's Telegraph Delivery ( the "T" now stands for "Transworld."

In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, which guaranteed the right of all American women to vote, was ratified as Tennessee became the 36th state to approve it.

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Today---------Former First Lady Rosalyn Carter is 83, Academy Award-winning director Roman Polanski is 77, Attorney and author Vincent Bugliosi is 76, Olympic gold medal decathlete Rafer Johnson is 75, Singer Johnny Preston is 71 and Actor-comedian Martin Mull is 67.

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Larryj