another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------------another "from the mouths of babes"


Iziah was learning how to tie his shoes and at the age of four, everyone thought that he was doing quite well.

One morning, when his mother entered his room, she noticed he had proudly completed his shoe-tying task -- but his shoes were on the wrong feet.

She softly mentioned this to her son, and, with a tear in his eye, he said, "But, mom, these are the only feet I have."

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In 1787, Congress enacted an ordinance governing the Northwest Territory.

In 1960, John F. Kennedy won the Democratic presidential nomination on the first ballot at his party's convention in Los Angeles, outdrawing rivals including Lyndon B. Johnson, Stuart Symington and Adlai Stevenson.

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Today----------Actor Patrick Stewart is 70, Actor Robert Forster is 69, Actor-comedian Cheech Marin is 64, Actress Daphne Maxwell Reid is 62 and Actor Harrison Ford is 68.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------another "tee hee"

A woman walked into the animal shelter wanting to have her female cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.

"Is the mother friendly?" the receptionist asked.

(you see where this is going, right?)

"Very," sighed the woman, casting an eye on the pet carriers, "That's how we got into this mess in the first place!"

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In 1798, Congress passed the Sedition Act, making it a federal crime to publish false, scandalous or malicious writing about the United States government.  (wait til they read this forum!)

In 1881, outlaw William H. Bonney, Jr., alias "Billy the Kid", was shot and killed by Sheriff Pat Garrett in Ft. Sumner, NM.

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Today-----------------Actor Dale Robertson is 87, Actress Nancy Olsen is 82, Actress Polly Bergen is 80, Former football player Rosie Grier is 78, Actor Vincent Pastore is 64 and Music Executive Tommy Mottola is 61.  

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------new kind of diet?

Cindy and Chloe hadn't seen each other for years.  When they finally sat down to lunch, Cindy was stunned at how trim and healthy Chloe looked.

"My goodness," she said, "What do you do to stay to fit?"

"Well," answered Chloe, "I've found that nothing keeps me trimmer than having affairs."

"Really!" exclaimed Cindy, looking her friend up and down, "You simply must tell me who does your catering!"

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In 1870, Georgia became the last Confederate state readmitted to the Union.

In 1916, Boeing Co., originally known as Pacific Aero Products Co., was founded in Seattle.

In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon startled the country by announcing he was going to visit the People's Republic of China.

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Today---------------Actor Alex Karras is 75, Actor Ken Kerchival is 75, Actor Patrick Wayne is 71, Actor Jan-Michael Vincent is 66 and Singer Linda Ronstadt is 64.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------or how about roosters and hens or rams and ewes or

Over the years, Donna and her husband, Dave, have usually managed to decode the cute, but sometimes confusing gender signs put on restroom doors in restaurants (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often they get stumped.  Recently, Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors.

One was marked "Bronco" and the other was designated "Pinto".  Dave was baffled, so he stopped a restaurant employee passing by.

"Excuse me, I need to use the restroom," Dave said, gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, you'd probably be more at ease using that one," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked Men.  "Pinto and Bronco are private dining rooms."

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In 1790, a site along the Potomac River was designated the permanent seat of the United States government; the area became Washington, D.C.

In 1945, the United States exploded its first experimental atomic bomb in the desert near Alamogordo, NM.

In 1969, Apollo 11, blasted off from Cape Kennedy on the first manned mission to the surface of the moon.

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Today-----Soul Singer Denise LaSalle is 76, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Margaret Court is 68 and Actor-Singer Ruben Blades is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------I know, I know, she was blo----


A doctor had just hired a new secretary (her hair color shall remain a mystery.)

Having trouble with the doctor's notes on an emergency case which read, "Male patient shot in the lumbar region," the poor woman was flustered and at her wit's end.

At last, she thought she had it figured out and her face beamed as she typed,

"...............wounded in the woods!"

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In 1821, Spain ceded Florida to the United States.

In 1981, 114 people were killed when a pair of walkways above the lobby of the Kansas City Hyatt Regency Hotel collapsed, one atop the other, during a tea dance.

In 1955, Disneyland had its opening day in Anaheim, CA.

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Today----------------Actor Donald Sutherland is 75, Actress-Singer Diahann Carroll is 75, Rock Musician Spencer Davis is 68 and the comedian Phyllis Diller is 93.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------back to the archives

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

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In 1792, American naval hero John Paul Jones died in Paris at age 45.

In 1947, President Harry S. Truman signed a Presidential Succession Act which placed the speaker of the House and the Senate president pro tempore next in line of succession after the vice president.

In 1969, a car driven by Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass) plunged off a bridge on Chappaquiddick Island near Martha's Vineyard; his passenger, 28 -year-old Mary Jo Kopechne drowned.

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Today--------------Former South African President Nelson Mandela is 92, Former Sen. John Glenn (D-Ohio) is 89, Skating Champion and commentator Dick Button is 81, Actor James Brolin is 70, Singer Martha Reeves is 69, Blues Guitarist Lonnie Mack is 69 and our very own Dodgers manager Joe Torre is 70.

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[larryJ]

Today's--------------another "from the mouths of babes"-----

Myllah, a charming vibrant 7-year-old, came into the kitchen and complained to her grandmother, "Grandma, I have a tummy ache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," her grandmother said, "You would feel a lot better if you had something in it."

Later that afternoon, a neighbor came over to visit, and, in conversation, remarked that she had been suffering all day with a severe headache.

Myllah perked up and suggested, "that's because it's empty.  You'd feel better if there was something in it."

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In 1848, a pioneer women's rights convention convened in Seneca Falls, NY.

In 1969, Apollo 11 and its astronauts, Neil Armstrong, Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin and Michael Collins, went into orbit around the moon.

In 1984, U.S, Rep. Geraldine A. Ferraro of New York won the Democratic nomination for vice-president by acclamation at the party's convention in San Francisco.

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Today---------------Former Sen. George McGovern is 88, Actress Helen Gallagher is 84, Country singer Sue Thompson is 84, Country singer George Hamilton IV is 73, Actor Dennis Cole is 70, Singer Vikki Carr is 70, Country singer Commander Cody is 66 and Actor George Dzundza is 65.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

That joke goes to the firehouse with me tomorrow! Perfect.

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------------groaner

Dave thought he was going crazy.  Every time he put on his hat, he would hear music from the 1930's and '40's.  Finally, he went to the doctor and explained the problem.

The doctor, as most seem to do, said, "Hmmmm, let me take a look."  Taking the hat, the doctor turned around to the table behind him momentarily, then handed the hat back to Dave and told him to put it on.

Dave did just that, and voila!, no music.  Dave was ecstatic.

"Wow!  What did you do?" he exclaimed.

"Awww, it was nothing, really, I just removed the big band."

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In 1861, the Congress of the Confederate States began holding sessions in Richmond, VA.

In 1917, the draft lottery in World War I went into operation.

In 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon after landing the lunar module.

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Today-------------------Actress-singer Sally Ann Howes is 80, Actress Diana Rigg is 72, Country Singer T.G. Sheppard is 66, Singer Kim Carnes is 65 and Rock Musician Carlos Santana is 63.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

MOANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!