another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------short and sweet

They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. "How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you've never even met?" he demanded.

"The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you've never met scores a touchdown," she replied

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In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was adopted by delegates to the second Continental Congress in Philadelphia.

In 1802, the United States Military Academy opened at West Point, NY.

In 1831, the fifth president of the United States, James Monroe, died in New York City at age 73.

In 1894, the Republic of Hawaii was proclaimed.  (Hawaii was annexed by the United States four years later.)

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Today----------Actress Gloria Stuart is 100, Advice columnist Pauline Phillips (the original "Dear Abby") is 92.  Actress Eva Marie Saint is 86,  Playwright Neil Simon is 83, Baseball team owner George Steinbrenner is 80, Actor Ed Bernard is 73, Actress Karolyn Grimes is 70 and Broadcast Journalist Geraldo Rivera is 67.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------makes sense, I guess

Have you ever noticed that no one ever threatens to prosecute somebody to half the extent of the law -- it's always to the full extent.

In these times of economic distress, some department or convenience store should only prosecute shoplifters to 80 or 90 percent of the extent of the law.

It would be good public relations; It would demonstrate to the community that while store management may be tough on shoplifters, they still have a heart.

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In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Labor Relations Act.

In 1947, Larry Doby made his debut with the Cleveland Indians, becoming the first black player in the American League.

In 1975, Arthur Ashe became the first black man to win a Wimbledon singles title as he defeated Jimmy Connors.

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Today---------Actress Katherine Helmond is 81, Actress Shirley Knight is 74, Julie Nixon Eisenhower is 62 and Rock Singer Huey Lewis is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------------Out of the mouths-----------

When children come in to the doctor's office it generally falls upon the nurse to weigh, measure them and note their other vitals.

After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened 3-year-old on the scale, her mother said, "Honey, you know Mommy has a scale at home.  Do like I do and stand on it."

Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, crap!"

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In 1777, during the American Revolution, British forces captured Ft. Ticonderoga.

In 1944, an estimated 168 people died in a fire that broke out during a  performance in the main tent of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Baily Circus in Hartford, Conn.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman signed an executive order established the Medal of Freedom.

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Today-----------Actor William Schallert is 88, Singer-Actress Della Reese is 79, Actor Ned Beatty is 73, Singer Gene Chandler is 70, Former President George W. Bush is 64, Actor-Director Sylvester Stallone is 64, Actor Fred Dryer is 64 and Former First Lady Nancy Reagan is 89.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------find an empty elevator shaft for this guy

Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.  After a long day of meetings they were dismayed to learn that all the elevators in their hotel were out of service and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.  I'll tell jokes for the first 25 flights, then Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.

Indeed, at the 25th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. 

At the 51st floor Jim's serenading was complete and it was Scott's turn to tell sad stories. 

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said with convincing gloom.  "I left our room key in the car!"

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In 1846, U.S. annexation of California was proclaimed in Monterey after the surrender of a Mexican garrison.

In 1865, four people were hanged in Washington, D.C., for conspiring with John Wilkes Booth to assassinate President Abraham Lincoln.

In 1898, the United States annexed Hawaii.

In 1919, the first Transcontinental Motor Company Convoy, in which a U.S. Army convoy of motorized vehicles crossed the United States, departed Washington, D.C.  (The trip ended in San Francisco on Sept. 6, 1919.

In 1930, construction began on Boulder Dam (later Hoover Dam.)

In 1981, President Ronald Reagan announced he was nominating Arizona Judge Sandra Day O'Conner to become the first female justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.

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Today-----------------Musician-conductor Doc Severinsen is 83, Country singer Charlie Louvin is 83, Actor Joe Spano is 64, Country Singer Linda Williams is 63 and Actress Shelley Duvall is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------Hmmm--

Pappy sees Little Billie-Bob walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya'll goin' boy?"

Little Billie-Bob smiled and replied, "I'm a-goin' courting Peggy Sue over yonder."

Pappy said, "Y'know, when I went a-courtin', I surely didn't need me no dang lantern!"

"Yeah, Paw, I know," Little Billie-Bob said, "look what you got!"

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In 1776, Col. John Nixon gave the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence, in Philadelphia.

In 1947, demolition work began in New York City to make way for the permanent headquarters of the United Nations.

In 1950, President Harry S. Truman named Gen. Douglas MacArthur commander-in-chief of United Nations forces in Korea. (But Truman ended up sacking MacArthur for insubordination nine months later, replacing him with Lt. Gen. Matthew B. Ridgeway.)

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Today------------------Singer Jerry Vale is 78, Singer Steve Lawrence is 75 and Actress Kim Darby is 63.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

I hope little Billy Bob got popped in the mouth for being so disrespectful to his mother.

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------Warph used to be a preacher?

It was a beautiful day, but the minister was having a horrible time on the golf course.  After lengthy visits in sand traps, slices and hooks ending in the forest, the pastor's final drive went straight into the drink.

The cleric, without uttering a single word, threw his club to the ground, stomped on it, then picked it up and wrapped it around the nearest tree.  He then wordlessly grabbed the balls and tees and threw them far into the forest before silently pulling the golf bag from the caddie's shoulders and hurling it out into the water hazard.

Glaring out at the pond he finally muttered, "I'm going to have to give it up!"

"Golf?" the caddy said, slightly troubled by the minister's wrath.

"No," the pastor replied, "the ministry."

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In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was read aloud to Gen. George Washington's troops in New York.,

In 1850, the 12th president of the United States, Zachary Taylor, died after serving only 16 months of his term.  (He was succeeded by Millard Fillmore.)

In 1918, the Distinguished Service Cross was established by an Act of Congress.

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Today------------------Actor-singer Ed Ames is 83, Actor James Hampton is 74, Actor Brian Dennehy is 72, Actor Richard Roundtree is 68 and Author Dean Koontz is 65.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------this one is old, but still one of my favorites

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The officer says, "I clocked you at 85 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says softly:  "Now don't be silly dear, you know you have never used the cruise control on this car or any other."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Will you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir..........I'll have to cite you for that, too."

The driver says, "Yes, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.........You never wear your seat belt."

And as the officer is writing out another ticket, the driver turns to his wife and harshly barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?"

The officer looks at the woman and asks, "Does you husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

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In 1890, Wyoming became the 44th state.

In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson personally delivered the Treaty of Versailles to the Senate, and urged its ratification.  (However, the Senate rejected it.)

In 1962, the Telestar 1 communications satellite was launched from Cape Canaveral

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Today-------------------Actor Lawrence Pressman is 71, Singer Mavis Staples is 71, Actor Robert Pine is 69, Actor Ron Glass is 65, Actress Sue Lyon is 64 and Folk Singer Arlo Guthrie is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------sigh, nothing in the paper today-----------back to the archives

Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break...
"I know how to get money real quick" says one," how?"
"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"
So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and
his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.
He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth" he said.
"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.
Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth," he shouted out.
The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then.

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In 1767, John Quincy Adams, the sixth president of the United States, was born in Braintree, Mass.

In 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr mortally wounded former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton during a pistol duel in Weehawken, NJ.

In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt became the first incumbent chief executive to travel through the Panama Canal.

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Today------------Actor Tab Hunter is 79, Actress Susan Seaforth Hayes is 67, Actor Bruce McGill is 60 and Singer Bonnie Pointer is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------------tee hee

Mort was known for being inquisitive and unlucky.  Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord.  Nothing happened.

He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also failed.  He wondered, "Why me?!" and looked down to the fast-approaching ground below.

To his amazement, he saw a woman coming up with equal velocity. 

"Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they approached each other.

As she passed she hollered, "No...........do you know anything about gas stoves?"

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In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill passed by Congress authorizing the Medal of Honor.

In 1909, the House of Representatives joined the Senate in passing the 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, allowing for a federal income tax, and submitted it to the states.  (It was declared ratified in Feb. 1913.)

In 1984, Democratic presidential candidate Walter F. Mondale announced he'd chosen U.S. Rep. Geraldine Ferraro of New York to be his running mate; Ferraro was the first woman to run for vice president on a major party ticket.

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Today-------------Comedian Bill Cosby is 73, Singer-musician Christine McVie is 67, Actress Denise Nichols is 66, Fitness guru Richard Simmons is 62 and Actor Jay Thomas is 62.

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Larryj