another slice of wry

[Judy Harder]

Now, that has to be a blond joke..................that was a good one, Larry......ty
LOL

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------------------------------

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box.  He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On the other wall is a hot pot of coffee, cappuccino machine and a dazzling array of the finest pastries.

Then the priest steps in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession..................and first I must confess that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get outta here, you're on my side."

Larryj

[larryJ]

todays-----------------------------------------------------------------

A woman had been exposed to strep and made an appointment at the Doctor's office to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a newspaper while other patients came and went.

Eventually her name was called and as she suddenly arose, she discovered her leg was "asleep."  Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door.  She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress.

A few minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room.  As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you Dr. Eicher was a wonderful Doctor!"

Larryj

[larryJ]

Todays---------------------makes sense to me.


Frank returned home to find his wife, Yolanda, preparing to bake a ham.  He noticed she had once again cut off both ends.  He finally asked her why, since it looked like perfectly good ham, as did all the others she had prepared in the past.

Yolanda told him, "I learned this from my mother."  He accepted that, ate the ham, and it was, as always, great.

At the next family gathering, Frank asked his mother-in-law about the ham.  She said, "I learned that from my mother."

Well, as the next holiday rolled around, Grandma came home for a visit, and Frank decided the time had come to solve the riddle.  He told Grandma about his wife, her mother, and how they had both learned the end-cutting method from her.  Grandma said,

"Well............................I only had a short pan."

Larryj

[larryJ]

On a sadder note-------Gidget, the chihuahua dog, who was famous for the Taco Bell commercials in which a male voice was dubbed over the look on her face, saying, "yo quiero Taco Bell."  That means I want my Taco Bell.  The video can be seen on youtube.  I tried to embed it, but it didn't work.  She was 15 years and had a massive stroke and had to be euthanized.  She probably won't get the sendoff that Michael did, but it is still a big loss.

Larryj

[larryJ]

Something a little different this morning---------------------------

Rearranging the letters around in words can sometimes lead to surprising results.  Take, for example, the following----

ASTRONOMER can become MOON STARER
DESPERATION=A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES=THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE=HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY=DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES=CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY=IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS=LIES--LETS RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS=ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT=I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES=THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO=TWELVE PLUS ONE
And lastly (for some folks perhaps)
MOTHER-IN-LAW=WOMAN HITLER

Larryj

[larryJ]

This one is a bad ending to an otherwise good day-------------------------

Jessica had just put the chilldren to bed on the family's camping trip when a baby skunk moseyed into the washroom she was using.  Knowing the mama would be close by, Jessica froze.  But when the baby skunk tumbled into the trash can and began to cry, Jessica bolted for the door.

Sure enough, mama came running----------tail held high.  In an attempt to avoid her, Jessica vaulted over a fence into the bushes, smack onto a raccoon.

The raccoon screeched, scratched and bit, the skunk sprayed, and Jessica was stuck in the middle.

The Doctor couldn't stop laughing as he tended to her wounds---------------------------and told her she had landed in poison oak!

Larryj

P.S As of this writing, I noticed this thread has been viewed exactly 1000 times!  I am glad you like it.

[patyrn]

They're great--keep them coming!!!!

[larryJ]

Another Sunday slice of wry----------------------

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5- and 6- year-old students.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked. "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest in his family) answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

Larryj

[larryJ]

Todays------------------------------

Joshua wanted to see the world, so he signed up with the merchant marine to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman.

After mastering the classroom instruction, he began his practical training behind the wheel of the vessel.  In his first lesson, the executive officer gave him a heading, and the young fellow held to it.  Then the exec ordered, "Come starboard."

Pleased with himself at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man walked over to his executive officer.  The exec had an incredulous look on his face as the wheel was left to spin freely.  Then, rather gently considering the circumstances, he asked politely, "Would you bring the ship with you?"

BONUS             BONUS             BONUS             BONUS     

And I am probably going hear about this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nine words women use

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying get lost!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
__________________
Larryj