another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------I hope this professor wasn't teaching memory classes


It used to be that for a college student to receive credit for a particular course, a card that listed his or her courses had to be signed by the instructor or lecturer.  It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses.

But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly.  Not so with one physics professor.  If he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course.

On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed.  The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card.

Being a science major, the young man naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the back of the line.  When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the professor.  The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar.  OK," and signed the card.

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In 1889. more than 2,000 people perished when a dam break sent water rushing through Johnstown, PA.

In 1977, the trans-Alaska oil pipeline, three years in the making, was completed.

In 1994, the United States announced it was no longer aiming long-range nuclear missiles at targets in the former Soviet Union.

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Today---------Actress Elaine Stewart is 81, Actor-director Clint Eastwood is 80, Singer Peter Yarrow is 72, Actress Sharon Gless is 71, Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Namath is 67, Actor Tom Berenger is 60 and Actor Gregory Harrison is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------if it's okay with the chicken

Jesse was quite hungry, but after arriving at the restaurant she couldn't make up her mind what to order, no matter how long and hard she studied the menu.

Finally, she turned to the waiter for help.

"Well,"  said the waiter pleasantly, "today our special is chicken on a bed of rice with green beans almondine and a nice side salad, with a  succulent shrimp cocktail and your choice of beverage and desert."

"Hmmmm, that sounds great.  But tell me, how is the chicken prepared?"

"Oh, well, we break it to him very gently and assure him that it's nothing personal."

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In 1868, James Buchanan, the 15th president of the United States, died near Lancaster, PA., at age 77.

In 1943, a civilian plane from Portugal to England was shot down by the Germans during World War II, killing all 17 people aboard, including actor Leslie Howard.

In 1967, the Beatles released their album, "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

In 1980, Cable News Network made it debut.

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Today-----------Actor Andy Griffin is 84, Singer Pat Boone is 76, Actor Morgan Freeman is 73, Actor Rene Auberjonois is 70, Actor Powers Boothe is 62 and Actress Gemma Craven is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------is this store in Howard?

There was once a general store in Kansas back around 1900.  The owner was an elderly man who attended church regularly and for a long time.  And every time a transaction occurred it was the proprietor's habit to say a quote from scripture, and it was always a different verse.

The store always had those two or three "older gents" that you always see on the front porch talking about the "ills of society" and how it used to be, but every time a customer would show up, the men came in just to hear what the verse was going to be.

One day a fellow who claimed to be a congressman came in and inquired about the rug that was hanging on the wall.  The asked the price and the owner told him $1400 even though the owner and the old men knew that the true worth was $200.

But the politician said, "I'll take it," and bought the rug.  The owner mumbled something as the man left the store.

The old men stared at the owner awaiting to hear what possible biblical verse could follow such a dishonest act.  The proprietor said, "He was a stranger and I took him in."

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In 1897, Mark Twain, 61, was quoted by the New York Journal as saying from London that  "the report of my death was an exaggeration."

In 1924, Congress passed a measure that was then signed by President Calvin Coolidge granting American citizenship to all U.S. born American Indians.

In 1941, baseball's "Iron Horse" Lou Gehrig died in New York of a degenerative disease, ALS, at age 37.

In 1966, the U.S. space probe Surveyor 1 landed on the moon and began transmitting detailed photographs of the lunar surface.

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Today--------------Actress Sally Kellerman is 73, Actor Ron Ely is 72, Actor Stacy Keach is 69, Actor Charles Haid is 67, Composer Marvin Hamlisch is 66, Actor Jerry Mathers is 62 and Actress Joanna Gleason is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------can't top the firefighter one, tho

SIGNS YOU SHOULDN'T BUY A TOY MADE IN CHINA

*Warning label says, "May attract rats."

*Box claims, "Not responsible for accidental neutering of pets."

*The part of the box in contact with the toy appears to be dissolving

*The manual includes the 800 numbers for the poison center and the CDC.

*Everyone at the store refuses to open it and show you how it works.

*In the fine print on the side of the box, you glimpse the words, "If symptoms persist-----"

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In 1948, the 200-inch reflecting Hale Telescope at the Palomar Mountain Observatory in California was dedicated.

In 1965, astronaut Edward White became the first American to "walk" in space, during the flight of Gemini 4.

In 1968, pop artist Andy Warhol was shot and critically wounded in his New York film studio, known as "The Factory," by Valerie Solanas, an actress and self-styled militant feminist.

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Today---------------Actor Tony Curtis is 85, TV Producer Chuck Barris is 81, Actress Irma P. Hall is 75 and Singer Suzi Quatro is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------remember, ladies, I don't write them

Three guys more than a little inebriated, are chatting at the bar and one says, "If you were to give your wife an Indian name, what would it be?  I'll start:  I'd call my wife 'White Feather' because she is as light as a feather."

The second guy says, "I'd call my wife 'White Cloud' because she is as beautiful as a cloud in the sky."

The third guy says, "I'd call my wife 'Three Horses.'"

"Three Horses," the other two say in unison.  "Why?"

"Nag. Nag. Nag."

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In 1919, Congress approved the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guaranteeing citizens the right to vote regardless of their gender, and sent it to the states for ratification.

In 1942, the Pacific Battle of Midway began during World War II.

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Today----------------Actor Bruce Dern is 74 and Actress-singer Michelle Phillips is 66.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------that's one way to prepare

"Well, Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" Albert asks following his annual physical.

"Albert, I don't know what to say.  The news is bad, really bad," sighs the doctor.

"Well, what is it?" asks Albert.

"Oh, I can't find the words to tell you........I really don't know what to say."

Albert, being of strong character demanded straight talk and tells the doctor, "Don't beat around the bush.  Tell me what you know.  I can take it."

"Well," says the doctor, "I think that you should go to Murietta and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath.  Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, okay, so I need to relax, eh?  Will that cure me?"

"No, Albert, it won't cure you, but it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."

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In 1884, Civil War hero General William Tecumseh Sherman refused the Republican presidential nomination saying, "I will not accept if nominated and will not serve if elected."

In 1933, the United States went off the gold standard.

In 1968, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated in Los Angeles' Ambassador Hotel after claiming victory in California's Democratic presidential primary.  Sirhan Bishara Sirhan was immediately arrested.

In 2004, Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th President of the United States, died in Los Angeles at age 93 after a long struggle with Alzheimer's disease.

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Today-----------------Actor-singer Bill Hayes is 85, Broadcast-journalist Bill Moyers is 76, Country singer Don Reid (The Statler Brothers) is 65, Country Singer Gail Davies is 62 and Actor Ken Follet is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------do I detect a hint of sarcasm here?

After a real crusher of a landing in Denver, the attendant came on with: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and his crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Then once the smoke from the tires has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

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In 1844, the Young Men's Christian Association was founded in London.

In 1944, the D-Day invasion of Europe took place during World War II as Allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy, France.

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Today-------------Actress Billie Whitelaw is 78, Civil Rights Activist Roy Innis is 76, Singer-songwriter Gary "U.S." Bonds is 71 and Country singer Joe Stampley is 67.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Sounds like something South West would actually do!

[larryJ]

Today's-------------there is some logic here-----

A big-city minister received a phone call from a small church in the country whose minister was on vacation.  The minister agreed to fill in and on Sunday, almost passed by the church; it was so small and had fallen into disrepair.

In the entry hall, he noticed a small wooden box with a slot in the top and a sign hand-written on yellowed paper that read "contributions."  He felt sorry for the obviously struggling church and took a crisp $20 bill from his wallet and slid it into the slot.

A moment later, the congregational president came in and welcomed the minister to their humble church.  The service was attended by only about a dozen members, but they were grateful for his message and shook his hand warmly as they filed out after the service.

As the minister returned to his car, the president caught up with him and said, "I'm so sorry we can't pay you anything for today."

"That's all right," said the minister, "I wasn't expecting anything.  I'm happy to help."

Suddenly, the president's eyes lit up.  "Wait, wait, don't leave yet, we might have something for you" he said, and rushed back into the church.  A moment later he returned with a very familiar crisp $20 bill and pressed it into the minister's hand.

"Please take this and bless you," he said insistently.  The minister accepted the offering and drove home.  That night, he was explaining what had happened to his family.

After he finished, his son looked at him and said, "Daddy, you know, if you had put more in you would have gotten more out!"

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In 1769, frontiersman Daniel Boone first began to explore present-day Kentucky.

In 1776, Richard Henry Lee of Virginia proposed to the Continental Congress a resolution calling for American independence from Britain.

In 1937, actress Jean Harlow died in Los Angeles at age 26.

In 1967, the Haight-Asbury Free Medical Clinic opened in San Francisco.

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Today-------------Actress Virginia McKenna is 79, Singer Tom Jones is 70 and Former talk show host Jenny Jones is 64.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------yeah, I could live next door, or maybe help with the refreshments, or---------

Mary Jayne and her daughters had just moved into Building D in a large apartment complex.  Soon afterward, they  gave a "ladies only" lingerie-sales party for Mary Jayne's daughters' friends.

The party was well under way when there was a knock at the door.  After opening the door, the young man standing there got a glimpse of attractive young women modeling bikinis and nightgowns, and his eyes widened.

"A f-f-f-f-f-friend told m-m-m-me there might b-b-b-b-be a r-r-r-rental in Building G-G-G," he stammered.

Mary Jayne told him he had the wrong address and gave him directions.  A minute later she heard a tentative knock.  It was the same young man.

"S-s-s-s-say, are there any v-v-v-vacancies in this b-b-b-building?" he asked.

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In 1845, Andrew Jackson, seventh president of the United States, died in Nashville, Tenn.

In 1864, Abraham Lincoln was nominated for another term as president during the National Union (Republican) Party's national convention in Baltimore,

In 1967, during the Six-Day War, 34 U.S. serviceman were killed when Israeli fighter jets and torpedo boats attacked the USS Liberty, a Navy intelligence-gathering ship stationed in the Mediterranean.  (Israel later said the Liberty had been mistaken for an Egyptian vessel.}

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Today-----Former First Lady Barbara Bush is 85, Comedienne Joan Rivers is 77, Actress Millicent Martin is 76, Actor James Darrin is 74, Actor Bernie Casey is 71, Singer Nancy Sinatra is 70, Actor Don Grady is 66 and Actress Kathy Baker is 60.

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Larryj