another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------Where did I see this one before?

Ever since Cliff was a child, he has had a fear of someone being under his bed at night.  Finally he tired of the fearful, sleepless nights and went to a psychiatrist.

"I've got a problem," he confided in the doctor.  Every night when I go to bed I think there's somebody under it that's going to do me harm.  I'm scared and I'm tired."

"Just put yourself in my hands for a year,' said the psychiatrist.  "Come and see me three times a week and together we can get rid of the fear, anxiety, sleepless nights and the evil person under your bed."

"How much is this going to cost me?" Cliff asked suspiciously.

"One hundred and fifty dollars a visit," the doc says.

"I'm gonna have to think about it."

Six months later the doctor and Cliff happened to meet on the street.  "Why didn't you come to see about your fears?" the doc asks.

"Well," Cliff says, "Paying $150 a visit three times a week is a lot of money, so I stopped at a bar to think about it.  While there, I told the bartender about my problem and he cured me for less than $10."

"Is that a fact!"  With a great deal of attitude, the doctor sneered, "and how, pray tell, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed-------------------------ain't nobody been under there since!"

___________________________________________________

In 1844, Samuel F.B. Morse transmitted the message, "What had God wrought!" from Washington to Baltimore as he formally opened America's first telegraph line.

In 1935, the first major league baseball game to be played at night took place a Cincinnati's Crosley Field as the Reds beat the Philadelphia Phillies, 2-1.

In 1962, astronaut Scott Carpenter became the second American to orbit the Earth as he flew aboard Aurora 7.

In 1980, Iran rejected a call by the World Court in The Hague to release the American hostages.

________________________________________________

Today----------Singer Bob Dylan is 69, Actor Gary Burghoff (Radar) is 67, Singer Patti LaBelle is 66, Actress Priscilla Presley is 65 and Country Singer Mike Reid is 63.

________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------don't laugh either

The owner of a drugstore arrived at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall, with a very, very strange look on his face.

The owner went inside and asked his clerk if he knew what was going on with the fellow.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explained, "so I gave him a box of laxatives and told him to take them all at once."

"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner hissed angrily.

"Well, I'm pretty sure it will," the clerk says, gesturing to the man leaning on the wall:  "Look at him, he's too afraid to cough!"

_______________________________________________

In 1935, Babe Ruth hit the 714th and final home run of his career, for the Boston Braves, in a game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy, addressing Congress, called on the nation to work toward putting a man on the moon by the end of the decade.

In 1968, the Gateway Arch in St. Louis was dedicated by Vice President Hubert H. Humphrey and Interior Secretary Stewart Udall.

_______________________________________________________

Today------Lyricist Hal David is 89, Country Singer-songwriter Tom T. Hall is 74, Country Singer Jesse Colter is 67, Actress-singer Leslie Uggams is 67 and Actress Karen Valentine is 63.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------makes sense to me

Arnie was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Trent for the recently advertised salesman position.  Arnie looked at Trent's resume and noticed that Trent has never worked in retail before.

Arnie says to Trent, "What gall, if you don't mind me saying so.  For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

"Well that I am," Trent acknowledged, "but surely you must understand that the work is so much more difficult when one doesn't know what one is doing."

__________________________________________________________

In 1938, the House Un-American Activities Committee was established by Congress.

In 1969, the Apollo 10 astronauts returned to Earth after a successful eight-day dress rehearsal for the first manned moon landing.

In 1994, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley were married in the Dominican Republic.  (The marriage, however, ended in 1996.)

_______________________________________________________

Today------------Actor James Arness is 87, Actor Alec McCowen is 85, Sportscaster Brent Musberger is 71, Singer Stevie Nicks is 62, Actor Philip Michael Thomas is 61, Country Singer Hank Williams, Jr. is 61 and Actress Pam Grier is 61.

____________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------Ha Ha

A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home.

Three times he got on the wrong train.  Each time he was told that he would have to take another train.

When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much.

He told the besotted fellow:

"Brother, I must tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to hellfire damnation."  To which the drunk replied:

"Oh no!  You mean I'm on the wrong train again?"

________________________________________________

In 1929, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr. married Anne Morrow in Englewood, NJ.

In 1933, Walt Disney's Academy Award winning animated short "The Three Little Pigs" was first released.

In 1937, the newly completed Golden Gate Bridge connecting San Francisco and Marin County, CA, was opened to pedestrian traffic.  (Vehicular traffic began crossing the bridge the next day.)

In 1941, amid rising world tensions, President Franklin D. Roosevelt proclaimed an "unlimited national emergency."  The British Navy sank the German battleship Bismarck off France, with a loss of more than 2,100 lives.

_______________________________________________________

Today---------Dolores Hope (widow of Bob Hope) is 101, Actor Christopher Lee is 88, Actress Lee Merriwether is 75, Musician Ramsey Lewis is 75, Actor Louis Gossett Jr. is 74, Country Singer Don Williams is 71, Singer-Actress Dee Dee Bridgewater is 60 and Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger is 87.

Sadly----------Art Linkletter passed away yesterday at age 97.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------------smart kid

Fifth-grader Norman was serving detention for talking too much when the teacher was speaking.  The detention teacher said, "You have to produce a 1,000 word essay in 30 minutes .... GO!"

Norman was successful, in fact he finished in 30 seconds, not a half hour.

How?  Norm drew a picture.  After all, he's been taught that "a picture is worth a thousand words."

_______________________________________________

In 1863, the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry, made up of freed blacks, left Boston to fight for the Union in the Civil War.

In 1940, during World War II, the Belgian Army surrendered to invading German forces.

In 1959, the U.S. Army launched Able, a rhesus monkey, and Baker, a squirrel monkey, aboard a Jupiter missile for suborbital flight that both animals survived.

______________________________________________

Today------------------Rockabilly singer-musician Sonny Burgess is 81, Actress Carroll Baker is 79, Actress Beth Howland is 69, Singer Gladys Knight is 66, Singer John Fogerty is 65, Actress-director Sandra Locke is 63 and Basketball-Hall-of-Famer Jerry West is 72.

____________________________________________

Larryj

[Mom70x7]

In 1959, the U.S. Army launched Able, a rhesus monkey, and Baker, a squirrel monkey, aboard a Jupiter missile for suborbital flight that both animals survived.

Able was born at Monkey Island at the Ralph Mitchell Zoo in Independence, Kansas!

Baker was from Huntsville, Alabama, where an uncle of mine (Paul Wisner) lived.

[Diane Amberg]

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. Sorry, just too good to pass up. It doesn't seem possible that those flights were so long ago.

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------GROANER, BIG TIME

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with removing several paintings from the Louvre.  However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a difficult crime and then make such a silly error, he replied: 

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

_____________________________________________________

In 1848, Wisconsin became the 30th state of the Union.

In 1917, the 35th president of the United States, John F. Kennedy, was born in Brookline, MA.

In 1943, Norman Rockwell's portrait of "Rosie the Riveter" appeared on the cover of the Saturday Evening Post.

_____________________________________________________

Today----------Actor Clifton James is 89, Race Car Driver Al Unser is 71, Actor Kevin Conway is 68, Actor Helmut Berger is 66 and Actor Anthony Geary is 63.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Just heard------

Sadly, Actor Dennis Hopper passed away at age 74 of prostate cancer.

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------------Another beautiful Sunday

"It's getting so bad," I commented to my neighbor before leaving for Sunday services, "that pretty soon if you forget your Sunday church contribution envelope, there'll be one of those card slides in your pew so you can charge it."

My neighbor replied, "Do you mean to say your church still uses envelopes?"

___________________________________________

In 1883, 12 people were trampled to death when a rumor that the recently opened Brooklyn Bridge was in imminent danger of collapsing triggered a stampede.

In 1911, Indianapolis saw its first long-distance auto race; Ray Harroun was the winner.

In 1922, the Lincoln Memorial was dedicated in Washington in a ceremony attended by President Warren G. Harding, Chief Justice William Howard Taft and Robert Todd Lincoln.

In 1958, unidentified American service members killed in World War II and the Korean War were interred in the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery.

_________________________________

Today---------------Country musician Johnny Gimble is 84, Actor Clint Walker is 83, Actor Ken Dullea is 74, Actress Ruta Lee is 74, Actor Michael J. Pollard is 71 and Pro and College Hall-of-Famer Gayle Sayers is 67.

________________________________

Larryj