another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------------yeah, a groaner

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift and asked the cosmetics clerk her opinion.  "How about some perfume?" he asked.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.  Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom shook his head.  "What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

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In 1945, Germany signed an unconditional surrender at Allied headquarters in Rheims, France, ending its role in World War II.

In 1960, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev announced that the pilot of an American U-2 plane shot down over Sverdlovsk had been captured alive along with proof the aircraft had been on a spying mission.

In 1975, President Gerald R. Ford formally declared an end to the "Vietnam Era."  In Ho Chi Minh City -- formerly Saigon -- the Viet Cong celebrated the takeover.

In 1977, Seattle Slew won the Kentucky Derby, the first of his Triple Crow victories.  (On this date in 2002, Seattle Slew died.)

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Today------------Singer Jimmy Ruffin is 71, Actress Robin Strasser is 65 and Rhythm-and-Blues Singer Thelma Houston is 64

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------dude better start running

At a Renaissance festival, Marcella decided to visit a fortune teller of great renown.  In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"Madam, there is no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt.  Your longtime unfaithful husband will soon meet a violent and horrible death."

Visibly shaken, Marcella stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her trembling hands.  She took a few deep breaths in an attempt to compose herself.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked the question she had to know:

"Will I be acquitted?"

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In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced in a radio address that Nazi Germany's forces had surrendered in World War II, and that "the flags of freedom fly over Europe."

In 1970, antiwar protests took place across the United States and around the world; in New York, construction workers broke up a demonstration on Wall Street.

In 1973, militant American Indians who'd held the South Dakota hamlet of Wounded Knee for ten weeks surrendered.

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Today-------Singer Toni Tennille is 70, Actor James Mitchum is 69. Country Singer Jack Blanchard is 68 and Comedian Don Rickles is 84.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------It's Sunday

After services, my pastor called me over and said he had a dream in which I had passed away.  Fortunately, I was heaven-bound.

However, to get to heaven I had to climb a ladder under construction and mark each new rung with a piece of chalk for each sin committed.  In his dream he envisioned me routinely coming back down the ladder and finally asked what I was doing.

I looked at him sheepishly and admitted I was coming back down to get more chalk.

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In 1754, a cartoon in Benjamin Franklin's Pennsylvania Gazette showed a snake cut in pieces, with each part representing an American Colony.  The caption read:  "JOIN, or DIE!"

In 1994, South Africa's newly elected parliament chose Nelson Mandela to be the country's first black president.

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Today-------------CBS News correspondent Mike Wallace is 92, Actress Geraldine McEwan is 78, Actor-writer Alan Bennett is 76, Rock Musician Nokie Edwards (The Ventures) is 75, Actor Albert Finney is 74, Actress-turned-politician Glenda Jackson is 74, Musician Sonny Curtis (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 73, Singer Tommy Roe is 68, Actress Candice Bergen is 64, Actor Anthony Higgins is 63 and Singer Billy Joel is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------signed out

Two severely hearing-impaired gentlemen were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, "boy was my wife mad at me last night!  She went on and on and just would not stop!"

The other buddy signs, "when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen."

"How do you do that?" inquires the other.

"It's easy!  I turn off the light!"

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In 1775, Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys, along with Col. Benedict Arnold, captured the British-held fortress at Ticonderoga, NY.

In 1869, a golden spike was driven in Promontory, Utah, marking the completion of the first transcontinental railroad in the United States.

In 1924, J. Edgar Hoover was given the job of FBI Director.

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Today------Sportscaster Pat Summerall is 80, Author Barbara Taylor Bradford is 77, TV-radio personality Garry Owens is 71, Singer Donovan is 64 and Singer Dave Mason is 64.

Sadly--------------Lena Horne passed away Sunday at age 92.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------one for the teachers, or, out of the mouths of babes----

As a teacher, my sister knows that kindergarten has always been a place to learn important lessons.  So, one day when she was visiting the school where my friend is the principal, she went to discover that "place of wonder" -- kindergarten.

There, she noticed a little girl busily slapping paint on an easel.  To an outsider, her creation seemed to be nothing more than a big red blob.

"Tell me about your painting," my sister said.  The young artist stopped painting.  She backed away from the easel and gave her work a careful look.

Then she heaved a heavy sigh and exclaimed, "It's a turkey."  After what seemed to be an eternity, she added, "And tomorrow, I'm going to put the skin on it!"

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In 1502, Christopher Columbus left Cadiz, Spain, on his fourth and final trip to the Western Hemisphere.

In 1910, Glacier National Park in Montana was established.

In 1946, the first CARE package arrived in Europe, at Le Havre, France.

In 1960, in the wake of the U-2 incident, President Dwight D. Eisenhower defended intelligence-gathering activities as "distasteful" but necessary, saying, "no one wants another Pearl Harbor."

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Today--------Comedian Mort Sahl is 83 and Rock Singer Eric Burden (The Animals; War) is 69

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------the ones with "dummy" on the top

Fran went to her daughter's house for a visit.  While she was there, it began to rain quite heavily.  Her daughter suggested that she spend the night and go home the next day.

Hearing that, Fran jumped up from her seat and rushed out the door.  She returned a short time later, completely drenched, shivering and carrying a small shopping bag.

Her bewildered daughter asked, "Mom, where in the world did you go?"

"I went home to get my pajamas."

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In 1932, the body of Charles Lindbergh Jr., the kidnapped son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh was found in a wooded area near Hopewell, NJ.

In 1943, during World War II, Axis forces in North Africa surrendered,

In 1949, The Soviet Union lifted the Berlin Blockade, which the Western powers had succeeded in circumventing with their Berlin Airlift. 

In 1958, the United States and Canada signed an agreement to create the North American Air Defense Command (later the North American Aerospace Defense Command, or NORAD for short).

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Today--------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra is 85, Composer Burt Bacharach is 82, Actress Millie Perkins is 72, Actress Linda Dano is 67, Actress Lindsey Krause is 62, Singer-Musician Steve Winwood is 62 and Actor Bruce Boxleitner is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------like father, like-----------uh----------like son, li------------

Frank, an emergency room technician, was on duty when a father brought in his son, who had poked a tire from one of his toy trucks up his nose. 

The man was embarrassed, but Frank assured him this type of thing was something kids often did.  He quickly removed the tire, and father and son were on their way.

Moments later, the father was back in the ER asking to speak in private with Frank.  Mystified, Frank led him to an examining room.

"While we were on the way home," the dad began, "I was looking at that little tire and wondering how on earth my son got that thing stuck up his nose.............."

It took just a few minutes to remove the tire from dad's nose.

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In 1607, English colonists arrived by ship at the site of what became the Jamestown settlement in Virginia. (The colonists went ashore the next day.)

In 1918, the first U.S. airmail stamps, featuring a picture of a Curtiss JN-4 biplane, were issued to the public.  (On a few of the stamps, the biplane was inadvertently printed upside-down, making them collector's items.)

In 1958, Vice President Richard M. Nixon and his wife, Pat, were spat upon and their limousine battered by rocks thrown by anti-U.S. demonstrators in Caracas, Venezuela.

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Today----------------Actor Buck Taylor is 72, Actor Harvey Keitel is 71, Actress Zoe Wanamaker is 61 and Singer Stevie Wonder is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------------no spellchecker or proofreader

Maria's friend's sister was getting married, and it was going to be rather large affair.  The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception.

Undaunted, the mother of the bride composed a note on her computer, printed 300 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation.

After receiving their invitations, family and friends were surprised to read, "Conception immediately following the ceremony in the Grand Ballroom at Harrah's Resort and Casino.  Everyone is invited."

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In 1804, the Lewis and Clark expedition to explore the Louisiana Territory as well as the Pacific Northwest left camp near present- day Hartford, IL.

In 1973, the United States launched Skylab 1, its first manned space station.

In 1998. singer-actor Frank Sinatra died at a Los Angeles hospital at age 82.

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Today-------------------Movie producer George Lucas is 66 and actress Meg Foster is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------yeah, right

A couple of weeks ago an elderly lady was absolutely horrified by the loud shrieks and filthy, vulgar language used by two electrical repairmen working near her home.

She was so upset she wrote a letter to the company complaining about the matter.  Upon receipt of the hostile letter, the job foreman, Chuck, was ordered to report the circumstances of the event to his superior.

"Henry and I were on the job," Chuck said, "and he climbed up the pole and inadvertently allowed 530-degree molten lead to fall on me.  To my dismay the lead went right down my collar and I said, 'OUCH,' rather loudly I'm afraid, as I ripped off my shirt, pulling the lead from my skin."

"And," the superior said, "that was it?"

"Well, not quite,"  Chuck said.  "I looked up at Henry and called out, 'Golly, Henry, you really must be more careful up there.'"
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In 1930, registered nurse Ellen Church , the first airline stewardess, went on duty aboard an Oakland-to-Chicago flight operated by Boeing Air Transport (a forerunner of United Airlines).

In 1940, nylon stockings were first introduced to the public by DuPont.

In 1972, George C. Wallace was shot by Arthur Bremer and left paralyzed while campaigning in Laurel, MD., for the Democratic presidential nomination.

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Today----Actress-Singer Anna Maria Alberghetti is 74, Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright is 73, Singer Trini Lopez is 73, Singer Lenny Welch is 72, Actress-Singer Lainie Kazan is 70 and Country Singer K.T. Oslin is 68.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------------Sunday

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a cow slowly walked up to the cowboy carrying the Bible in its mouth.  The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.  He took the Bible out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," the cow said softly, "Your name was written inside the cover."

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In 1960, a Big Four summit conference in Paris collapsed on its opening day as Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev demanded, but did not receive, an apology from President Dwight D. Eisenhower over the U-2 incident.  And, the first working laser was demonstrated at Hughes Research Laboratories in Malibu by physicist Theodore Malman.

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Today-------------Actor George Gaynes is 93, Actor Harry Carey, Jr. is 89 and Actor Bill Smitrovich is 63.

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Larryj