another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------------------Hah! take that.

A theologian and an astronomer had been discussing the complexities of their fields.

The astronomer said that, after reading widely on that subject, as far as he was concerned all of religion could be summed up in a single phrase. 

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said with a hint of smugness, feeling that his field was so much more complicated.

After a brief pause, the theologian replied that, after reading extensively in the realm of astronomy, he had reached the conclusion that it, too, could be summed up in a single phrase.

"Oh, pray tell, what is that?" the astronomer asked huffily.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are."

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In 1775, the American Revolutionary War began with the battles of Lexington and Concord.

In 1910, after weeks of being viewed through telescopes, Halley's Comet was reported visible to the naked eye in Curacao.

In 1951, General Douglas MacArthur, relieved of his command by President Harry S. Truman, bid farewell in an address to Congress in which he quoted a line from a ballad:  "Old soldiers never die; they just fade away."

In 1995, a truck bomb destroyed the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, killing 168 people.  (Timothy McVeigh was later convicted of federal murder charges and executed.)

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Today--------------Actor Hugh O'Brian is 85, Actress Elinor Donahue is 73 and Actor Tim Curry is 64.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------------------whoops---------

Two men, Robert and James, applied for an engineering position.  Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager to determine the winning candidate.

Upon completion of the exam, both men only missed one of the questions.  The manger went to Robert and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give James the job."

Robert replied, "Why?  We both correctly answered nine questions.  I believe I should get this job, especially since I've grown up in this town and James just recently moved here."

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you guys missed."

"How could one incorrect answer be better than the other," Robert asked.

"Simple," the manger said, "James answered question 5 by stating 'I don't know,' and you put down, 'Neither do I.'"

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In 1940, RCA publicly demonstrated its new and powerful electron microscope.

In 1971, the Supreme Court, in Swann v. Charlotte-Mecklenburg Board of Education, unanimously upheld the use of busing to achieve racial desegregation in schools.

In 1980, Cuban President Fidel Castro invited any of his countrymen who wanted to leave their country to do so, sparking the massive Mariel Boatlift from Cuba to the Untied States.

In 1999, The Columbine High School massacre took place in Colorado as two students, Eric Harris and Dylan Kiebold, shot and killed 12 classmates and one teacher before taking their own lives.

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Today------------------Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is 90, Actor Leslie Phillips is 86, Sen. Pat Roberts (R-Kansas) is 74, Actor George Takei is 73, Singer Johnny Tillotson is 71, Actor Ryan O'Neal is 69, Actress Jessica Lange is 61 and Actress Veronica Cartwright is 61.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Ya gotta check 1980.There are people who would say its been that way ever since!

[larryJ]

As I have often stated before on this forum, some of the subjects that come up prompt me to go running to the Internet to learn more or even just refresh my memory.  Your comment, Diane, made me do just that.  I had never really been aware of the status of Human Rights in Cuba.  It is worth reading about.  Thank you, Diane, for helping me learn more.

Today's---------------------This guy might be better off in Cuba tonight--------

Benny was not a very romantic person, and furthermore, there were those who thought his cheese had slipped off the cracker.  But he wanted desperately to impress his wife on their anniversary, so he took her to a very fashionable restaurant to celebrate the occasion.

He intensely watched the other couples around them, following their leads.  He observed the couple next to them.  The man lifted a sugar cube from its container and offered it to his wife, saying, "Sugar, Sugar?"

Benny thought that was pretty doggoned innovative and continued to listen to others around the dining room.

At another table, Benny listened carefully as a man spooned some honey out of its bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, Honey?"  Again, Benny was impressed with this bit of cleverness.

Feeling quite confident, Benny turned to the platter on the table , delicately sliced off a generous portion of meat, stared lovingly at his wife and said, "Ham, Pig?"

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In 1649, the Maryland Toleration Act, which provided for freedom of worship for all Christians, was passed by the Maryland assembly.

In 1836, an army of Texans led by Sam Houston defeated the Mexicans at San Jacinto, ensuring Texas' independence.

In 1910, author Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, died in Redding, Conn., at age 74.

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Today---------------------Britain's Queen Elizabeth II is 84, Actress-comedienne Elaine May is 78, Actor Charles Grodin is 75 and Actress Patti Lupone is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------hee hee

Kenneth, who had recently quit smoking, was visiting a friend in the hospital.  To help curb his urge to light up, he was chewing on an unlit cigar when he stepped into the elevator.

A woman who was already aboard, said to him with a snarl, "Mister!  There's no smoking in here."

"Madam," replied Kenneth, "I'm not smoking."

"That's a cigar in your mouth, is it not?" the woman snapped.

"Yes, yes it is," Kenneth admitted, "but I have Jockey shorts on too, and I'm not riding a horse!"

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In 1864, Congress authorized the use of the phrase "In God We Trust" on U.S. coins.

In 1889, the Oklahoma Land Rush began at noon as thousands of homesteaders staked claims.

In 1970, millions of Americans concerned about the environment observed the first "Earth Day".

In 1994, Richard M. Nixon, the 37th President of the United States, died  at a New York hospital four days after suffering a stroke; he was 81.

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Today------------Actor George Cole is 85, Actress Charlotte Rae is 84, Actress Estelle Harris is 78, Actor Jack Nicholson is 73, Singer Mel Carter is 67 and Singer Glen Campbell is 74.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------makes sense

Zachary was walking along a country road and came upon a farmer working in his field nearby.  Zack called out to the farmer and asked how long it would take him to get to the next town.

The farmer looked at him, but didn't answer.  So, after waiting momentarily, Zack started walking again.  After he had gone about 100 yards, the farmer yelled, "About 20 minutes."

Confused, Zack turned back toward the farmer and asked, "Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Well," the farmer drawled, "I didn't know how fast you were gonna walk."

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In 1896, the Vitascope System for projecting movies onto a screen was publicly demonstrated in New York City.

In 1954, Hank Aaron of the Milwaukee Braves hit the first of his record 755 major-league home runs, in a game against the St. Louis Cardinals. (The Braves won, 7-5.)

In 1969, Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to death for assassinating New York Sen. Robert F. Kennedy.  (The sentence was later reduced to life imprisonment.)

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Today--------------Actress--turned-diplomat Shirley Temple Black is 82, Actor David Birney is 71, Actor Lee Majors is 71, Actress Blair Brown is 62 and Actress Joyce DeWitt is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------give the kid an "A"-------

A young boy was attending his first wedding.  After the ceremony, his cousin asked him, "I wonder how many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the first lad responded without hesitation.

His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly.  "Just how do you know that?"

"Well, it's actually quite simple," the boy said, "All you have to do is add things together, just like the minister said.  FOUR better, FOUR worse, FOUR richer and FOUR poorer.

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In 1980, the United States launched an unsuccessful attempt to free the American hostages in Iran; a mission that resulted in the deaths of eight U.S. servicemen.

In 1990, the space shuttle Discovery blasted off from Cape Canaveral carrying the $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope.

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Today-----Actress Shirley MacLaine is 76, Author Sue Grafton is 70, Actor-Singer Michael Parks is 70 and Actress-singer-director Barbra Streisand is 68.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

While I started this thread as a place to have a humorous start to the day, I would like to put this story here.  I kinda sorta looked for a more appropriate place, but I will put it here.

In the past, I think there was some discussion about health care containing my reference to my personal health care provider, Kaiser Permanente. This article is in my paper today about Kaiser.

It is called:      DOCTORS REACH OUT

Patients get free surgeries-------------by Maria Ines Zamudio-----staff writer.

BALDWIN PARK------(This is my hospital that I use)

Dr. Philip Mercado spends most Saturday mornings playing with his 5-year-old daughter and his 2-year-old twin

But not today.

The Kaiser Permanente surgeon will spend the morning performing hernia surgeries on uninsured San Gabriel Valley residents.

"I enjoy helping people plus there;s great need in our community," he said.

For the first time, Kaiser Permanente in Baldwin Park Medical Center has partnered with East Valley Community Health Center in West Covina to provide free, low-risk surgeries to 16 low-income patients.

Mercado, three other doctors, anesthesiologists and nurses are scheduled to participate in"Operation Baldwin Park Surgery Day."

Without help from Kaiser, 22-year-old personal trainer Ruben Alvarado of Covina would not have been able to afford surgery, he said.

"I'm so grateful," Alvarado said.  "It could cost me thousands of dollars."

(Skipping some unnecessary details.)

Due to the large number of uninsured people in the Valley, a second day is planned in October. 

With the recent passage of national health care reform, Mercado hopes people like Alvarado won't have to depend on charity for things like minor surgeries.

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Like I said, this is the health care plan I use and the hospital that I go to for Dr. visits, lab work, scans and one of their many pharmacies.  I don't know Dr. Mercado personally. 

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------------------------------------------Sunday

After Sunday School, a young mother asked her daughter what the morning lesson was about.  The sweet little girl said, "We were told that we don't have to be scared because we're going to get a blanket."

The mother was bewildered, she had heard nothing about this in her days at Sunday School.  Arriving home, she called the Sunday School teacher, and, after the usual exchange of pleasantries, the mother inquired about the lesson topic.

The teacher explained the misunderstanding.  The lesson was to "be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

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In 1507, German cartographer, Martin Waldseemueller named a huge land mass in the Western Hemisphere "America" in honor of Italian explorer Amerigo Vespucci.

In 1859, ground was broken for the Suez Canal.

In 1945, delegates from some 50 countries met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.

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Today------------Songwriter Jerry Lieber is 77, Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 65, Actress Talia Shire is 64 and Actor Al Pacino is 70.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------Whatever you call 'em----------

I was on my morning walk with my dog when I came upon my good friends and neighbors Phyllis and Stan.  Both are avid gardeners and Stan had just planted some lovely plants along the front of his house.

The neighbor across the street, John, a retired minister, stopped as he was backing out of his driveway to comment on the foliage.

"Those sure are pretty flowers," he said pointing to some lavender and white-colored plants.  "What are they?"

Stan said proudly, "Those are concubines."

"Concubines?!" John said.  "Are you sure about that?"

"Well, ah...."

At that point, Phyllis stepped down off the porch and said, "Yes, those are very pretty  COL-UM-BINES."  Smiling broadly, she added, "One might say they are voluptuous in their beauty."

Stan looked at Phyllis, then John, then muttered, "Well, I was close, wasn't I?"

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In 1865, John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated President Lincoln, was surrounded by federal troops near Bowling Green, VA., and killed.

In 1980, following the unsuccessful attempt by the United States to rescue the U.S. Embassy hostages in Iran, the Tehran government announced the captives were being scattered to thwart any future rescue effort.

In 1986, the world's worst nuclear accident occurred at the Chernobyl plant in the Soviet Union.

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Today-----Rhythm-and-blues singer Maurice Williams is 72, Singer-musician Duane Eddy is 72, Singer Bobby Rydell is 68 and Actress-Comedienne Carol Burnette is 77.

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Larryj