another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------Sometimes there are those people who aren't thinking too well.

Sitting in the front row during a game being played by my alma mater's basketball team, I saw one of the players take a very hard hit under the basket.  He tumbled to the floor and didn't move.  The coaches and trainers grabbed their first-aid gear and rushed out onto the court.

The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me?  Can you hear me?  Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."

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In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Hawaii statehood bill.  (Hawaii became a state on Aug. 21, 1959.)

In 1974, most of the Arab oil producing nations ended their embargo against the United States.


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Today----------Country Singer Charlie Pride is 72, Actor Kevin Dobson is 67 and Actor Brad Dourif is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------------uh, ouch?

My neighbor and his wife just bought a fairly expensive new twin-engined boat, thanks in part to his wife going back to work.

The christened the craft "Innuendo."  After failing to divine some deep, hidden meaning from what I considered an unusual name, I asked him how he came up with the moniker.  He answered, "My wife now works for a proctologist."

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In 1918, Congress approved daylight saving time.

In 2003, President George W. Bush ordered the start of war against Iraq.

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Today-------------------Actress Renee Taylor is 77, Actress-singer Phyllis Newman is 77, Actress Ursula Andress is 74, Singer Clarence "Frogman" Henry is 73 and Actress Glenn Close is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------Or, maybe, get a room-----------


My friend and I were in line at a theme park when we noticed two teenagers a few people ahead of us, passionately hugging and kissing with a grope here and there.  The didn't even come up for air when the line moved.

As we waited, their displays of passionate affection became more and more explicitly embarrassing for everyone within sight.

Finally, a park employee approached them and said, "Hey, hey, you two, knock it off.  This is a place to bring families, not have them."

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In 1852, Harriet Beecher Stowe's influential novel about slavery, "Uncle Tom's Cabin," was first published in book form after being serialized.


In 1969, John Lennon married Yoko Ono on the island of Gibraltar.

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Today-----Producer-Director-comedian Carl Reiner is 88. Actor Hal Linden is 79, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Orr is 62 and Actor William Hurt is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------just being politically correct-------

A middle-school teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room.

She demanded to know what they were doing.  One boy turned to face her and said, somewhat sheepishly, "We are shooting craps and looking at pictures of naked women."

"Oh thank goodness," the teacher sighed, "for a moment I thought you were praying."

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In 1963, the Alcatraz federal prison island in San Francisco Bay was emptied of its last inmates at the order of Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy.

In 1965, more than 3,000 civil rights demonstrators led by the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. began their march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.

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Today---------Actress Kathleen Widdoes is 71, Singer Solomon Burke is 70, Actor Timothy Dalton is 64 and Singer Eddie Money is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------another one that probably should go in the Politics section------


It's a slow day in a little town in the Southland.  The sun is shining, but the streets are deserted.  Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is passing through.  He stops at a motel and lays a $100 bill on the counter saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs  --  he may wish to choose one in which to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.  The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.  The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local lady, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "friendship" on credit.

The lady rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the motel owner.  The motel proprietor then places the $100 on the counter so the rich traveler won't suspect anything. 

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.

No one produced anything.  No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS IS HOW OUR GOVERNMENT IS CONDUCTING BUSINESS TODAY!!!!!!!!!

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In 1765, Britain enacted the Stamp Act of 1765 to raise money from the American colonies.  (The act was repealed the following year.)

In 1882, President Chester Alan Arthur signed a measure outlawing polygamy.

In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson named General William C. Westmoreland to be the Army's new Chief of Staff.

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Today-----TV evangelist Pat Robertson is 80, Actor William Shatner is 79, Actor M. Emmet Walsh is 75, Singer-guitarist George Benson is 67, Writer James Patterson is 63, CNN newscaster Wolf Blitzer is 62 and Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------nothing like feeling young, I guess, but not this way

Two 80-year-old men are driving down the road when they heard a commercial expounding on the virtues of dried plums (prunes) or the juice thereof ending with the statement:  "They make you feel young again."

John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to get a couple packages and bottles of that stuff!"

Sylvester agrees and the two guys visit a market and buy some plums and prune juice.  They both take two swigs and six prunes each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well, John, do you feel young yet?"

"No," John replies.

So they pull over and take a couple of more big swigs and six more prunes each and continue to drive down the road.

A while later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"

"No," replies John, "but I do believe I've done a childish thing!"

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In 1775, Patrick Henry delivered an address to the Virginia Provincial Convention in which he is said to have declared, "Give me liberty, or give me death!"

In 1806, explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, having reached the Pacific coast, began their journey back east.

In 1965, America's first two-person space flight began as Gemini 3 blasted off from Cape Kennedy with astronauts Virgil L. Grissom and John W. Young aboard for a nearly 5-hour flight.

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Today-------Comedian Marty Allen is 88, Roger Bannister, who broke the 4 minute mile in 1954, is 81, and Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Craig Breedlove is 73.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------This is not our Teresa---

Teresa, a systems technician, confessed that her heart sank as she read the spam that began, "By opening this e-mail, you have activated the Amish computer virus."

Then she realized that not only was her computer in jeopardy, so was her reputation as it continued, "Since the Amish don't have computers, this virus is dependent on the honor system.  Please delete all your files.  Thank you."

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In 1958, rock-and-roll singer Elvis Presley was inducted into the Army in Memphis, TN.

In 1989, the supertanker Exxon Valdez ran aground on a reef in Alaska's Prince William Sound and began leaking 11 million gallons of crude oil.

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Today--------------Fashion and costume designer Bob Mackie is 71 and Actor R. Lee Ermey is 66.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------Marines don't have paratroopers, do they?

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, Rick took part in several night-time exercises.  Once, he was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school.

The rookie was quiet and looked a bit pale, so Rick struck up a conversation.  "Scared, Lieutenant?" Rick asked. 

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

Rick then asked, "What's the difference?"

The lieutenant replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."

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In 1960, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit, in New York, ruled that the D.H. Lawrence novel "Lady Chatterley's Lover" was not obscene and could be sent through the mails. 
Ray Charles recorded "Georgia on My Mind" as part of his "The Genius Hits the Road" album in New York.

In 1965, The Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. led 25,000 marchers to the state capitol in Montgomery, AL., to protest the denial of voting rights to blacks.

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Today--------Modeling Agency founder Eileen Ford is 88, Movie reviewer Gene Shalit is 84, Former astronaut James Lovell is 82, Feminist-activist and author Gloria Steinem is 76, Singer Anita Bryant is 70, Actor Paul Michael Glasser is 67, Singer Elton John is 63, Actress Bonnie Bodelia is 62 and (respectively) Singer Aretha Franklin is 68.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------it's a groaner day


The new police chief told his officers to "clean up the neighborhood" so it was really easy when a drunk man staggered toward an officer on his beat and slurred, "Hey, mishter offisher, what time ish it?"

The officer replied, "It's one o'clock," and bopped the inebriate on the head once with his baton before hauling him to the clink.

"Sheesh," the drunk said, rubbing the fast-forming knot on his head.  "I'm shore glad I dint ashk ya that'n hour ago!"

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In 1804, the Louisiana Purchase was divided into the Territory of Orleans and the District of Louisiana.

In 1885, the Eastman Dry Plate Co. of Rochester, NY, began manufacturing the first commercial photographic film on paper rolls.

In 1982, groundbreaking ceremonies took place in Washington, D.C. for the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial.

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Today------------Retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is 80, Actor-Director Leonard Nimoy is 79, Actor Alan Arkin is 76, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is 70, Actor James Caan is 70, Author Erica Jong is 68, Journalist Bob Woodward is 67, Singer Diana Ross is 66, Singer and TV personality Vicki Lawrence is 61 and Comedian Martin Short is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----OOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!  Hey, Warph, watch who you are playing with--------


A fellow was ready to tee off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.  The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes.  The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet, but agrees to the terms.  Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes, belittling his companion for his lack of skill.

As they're walking off of the 18th hole, and while counting his $80, the second guy laughs and confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on stupid suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the parish priest, to which the second fellow becomes flustered and apologetic and offers to give the priest back his money.

The priest says, "No, no.  You beat me.  I was foolish to bet with you.  You keep your winnings."

"Well, is there something I can do to make it up to you?" the pro says.

The priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.  Then, if you bring your mother and father, I'll marry them for you."

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In 1794, Congress approved "An Act to provide a Naval Armament" of six armed ships.

In 1836, the first Mormon temple was dedicated in Kirtland, Ohio.

In 1884, the first telephone line between Boston and New York was inaugurated.

In 1964, Alaska was hit by a powerful earthquake and tsunamis that killed about 130 people.



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Today-----------Actor Julian Glover is 75, Actor Jerry Lacy is 74 and Actor Michael York is 68.

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Larryj