another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------------sounds like Warph

A man stranded on a desert island comes across a woman who has washed up onto shore with nothing but a handbag.  The man helps the woman and welcomes her to the island.

Later on that day, the woman says, "I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded on this island, did you?"

The man explains that he did, indeed, smoke before becoming stranded.  So, the woman produces a cigarette from her bag, and they enjoy a smoke together.

A little later, the woman says, "I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded on this island, did you?"

The man explains that he did, indeed, drink before becoming stranded.  So, the woman produces a flask of whiskey from her bag, and they enjoy a drink together.

Some time later, the woman says, "So, you've been on this island for years without a woman?"

"That's right," says the man.

The woman continues, "I don't suppose you'd like to play around?"

"Omigosh, lady," exclaimed the man, "you have a set of golf clubs in that bag, too?!"

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In 1854, U.S. Commodore Matthew C. Perry made his second landing in Japan;  within a month, he concluded a treaty with the Japanese.

In 1874, the 13th president of the United States, Millard Fillmore, died in Buffalo, N.Y., at age 74.

In 1931, the 27th president of the United States, William Howard Taft, died in Washington, D.C., at age 72.

In 1944, two days after an initial strike, U.S. heavy bombers resumed raiding Berlin during World War II.

In 1965, the United States landed it first combat troops in South Vietnam as 3,500 Marines were brought in to defend the U.S. air base at Da Nang.

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Today----------Actress Sue Ann Langdon is 74, Actress Lynn Redgrave is 67, Singer-musician Randy Meisner is 64, Pop singer (little) Peggy March is 62 and Actor Director Micky Dolenz is 65.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------------one for the ladies-------------------

Three guys were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.  Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof!  He suddenly had big arms and strong legs and was able to swim across the river in about 2 1/2 hours, having almost drowned three times.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river." 

Poof!  The man was given strong arms, strong legs and a rowboat, and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing twice.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."

Poof!  the man was turned into a woman so she checked her map, walked a hundred feet upstream and walked across the bridge to the other side of the raging river.

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In 1916, Mexican raiders led by Pancho Villa attacked Columbus, N.M., killing 18 people.

In 1954, CBS newsman Edward R. Murrow critically reviewed Wisconsin Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy's anti-Communism campaign on "See It Now."

In 1959, Mattel's Barbie doll, created by Ruth Handler, made its public debut at the American International Toy Fair in New York.

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Today-----Singer-actress Keely Smith is 78, Singer Lloyd Price is 77, Actress Joyce Van Patten is 76, Actor-Comedian Marty Ingels is 74, Country singer Mickey Gilley is 74, Actress Trish Van Devere is 69 and Former ABC anchorman Charles Gibson is 67.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today--------------------danged city folk

A social worker from Chicago recently transferred to the Mountain areas of Arkansas, Kentucky and Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she called out.

"Yep," came a youngster's voice from within.

"Is you father there?" asked the social worker.

"Nope, Pa left afore Ma came in," the kid says.

"Oh, well, is your mother there?" the social worker asked.

"Maw?  Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the lad.

"My, my" said the social worker, "aren't you ever together as a family?"

"Well, sure, but not here," said the boy emphatically, "this here's the outhouse!"

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In 1848, the Senate ratified the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, which ended the Mexican-American War.

In 1880, the Salvation Army arrived in the United States from England.

In 1969, James Earl Ray pleaded guilty in Memphis, Tenn., to assassinating civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. (Ray later repudiated that plea, maintaining his innocence until his death.

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Today-------------Talk Show host Ralph Emery is 77, Actor Chuck Norris is 70, Singer Dean Torrence (Jan and Dean) is 70 and Actress Katharine Houghton is 65.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------DUH!

When Shauna arrived for her daughter's parent-teacher conference early in the morning, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling Shauna that her little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the notebook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk."

"I don't understand that," Shauna replied defensively.  "I wonder where she could have gotten that?"

The teacher went on to reassure Shauna that her daughter, overall, was still doing fine in school and was very sweet and likeable.  Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, our appointment was for tomorrow .......in the afternoon."

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In 1930, former President and Chief Justice William Howard Taft was buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

In 1942, as Japanese forces continued to advance in the Pacific during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur left the Philippines for Australia.  (MacArthur, who subsequently vowed, "I shall return," kept that promise more than 2 1/2 years later.)

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Today-----Actor Terrence Alexander is 87, Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch is 79, ABC News correspondent Sam Donaldson is 76, Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia is 74 and Actress Tricia O'Neil is 65.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------sounds logical to me------

One payday, an employee received an unusually large check.  She decided not to say anything about it.

The following payday, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.

"How is it," the supervisor inquired, "that you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"

Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake, but certainly not two in a row!"

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In 1864, Ulysses S. Grant was promoted to the rank of general-in-chief of the Union armies in the Civil War by President Abraham Lincoln.

In 1912, Juliette Gordon Low of Savannah, Georgia, founded the Girl Guides, which later became the Girl Scouts of America.

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Today-----------Actress Barbara Feldon is 77, Singer Al Jarreau is 70, Singer James Taylor is 62 and Actress-singer Liza Minelli is 64.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------probably should have put this in the politics section-----

A candid moment inside the White House second floor.

"Wow, what a day!"

"Phew, yeah---what a day!"

"I'm exhausted.  Would you get the light, Barack?"

"Why, yes, yes I can!  I will not only get the light, I will shine the light for all Americans and show them the way through the darkness!"

"It is a light that arises from the hopes and dreams of the old and the young, the black and the white and the yellow and red and brown, the gay and the straight, the rich and the poor!"

"It is the light on whose rays the promise of hope --  opportunity -- and achievement -- all soar to a distant, brighter future!"

"But it will take all of us, working together in a spirit of shared sacrifice and commitment, to make that light a beacon of progress."

"And I say to you tonight:  This is our moment!  This is our bedtime!  This........"

"Oh for heaven's sake, never mind --- I'll do it myself........"

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In 1969, the Apollo 89 astronauts slashed down, ending a mission that included the successful testing of the Lunar Module.

In 1980, Ford Motor Chairman Henry Ford II announced he was stepping down, the same day a jury in Winamac, IN., found Ford Motor Co. innocent of reckless homicide in the fiery deaths of three young women in a Ford Pinto.

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Today---------Country Singer Jan Howard is 80, Songwriter Mike Stoller is 77, Singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka is 71 and Actor William H. Macy is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------it's Sunday-----------

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.  To help you understand my sermon, I want all of you, please, to read Mark, Chapter 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands as to how many of the congregants had read Mark, Chapter 17.  Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Well, now, that's very interesting in that the book of Mark has only 16 Chapters.  I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

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In 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin, an invention that revolutionized America's cotton industry.

In 1900, Congress ratified the Gold Standard Act.

In 1923, President Warren G. Harding became the first chief executive to fie an income tax report.

In 1967, the body of President John F. Kennedy was moved from a temporary grave to a permanent memorial site at Arlington National Cemetery.

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Today------Former Astronaut Frank Borman is 82, Actor Michael Caine is 77, Actor Raymond Barry is 71, Actor Steve Kanaly is 64,
Comedian Billy Crystal is 62 and Composer-conductor Quincy Jones is 77.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------probably should gone to the archives--------

It's no secret the the Toyota automobile company has encountered some difficulties with it's product.

In addition to the attempt to solve the problem the company has instigated a television ad campaign with testimonials from satisfied customers.

At the conclusion of the advertisement is the Toyota emblem with the slogan, "Moving Forward!" ............ maybe it's just me, but that's what seems to be the problem.  Perhaps a better rendition would be, "Moving Forward, under driver's CONTROL!"

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In 1919, members of the American Expeditionary Force from World War I convened in Paris for a three-day meeting to found the American Legion.

In 1956, the musical play, "My Fair Lady," based on Bernard Shaw's "Pygmalion," opened on Broadway.

In 1964, Actress Elizabeth Taylor married actor Richard Burton in Montreal; it was her fifth marriage and his second.

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Today------------------Actor Judd Hirsch is 75, Singer Mike Love (the Beach Boys) is 69, Rock singer-musician Sly Stone is 67 and Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is 77.

(Note:  Actor Peter Graves (Mission Impossible fame) passed away yesterday of a heart attack, age 83.)

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------Thinking of you, Teresa,---uh----I mean, about guns------not that you are old or anything like that---I mean-----uh--

An elderly lady had finished her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four young males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags, reached into her purse, and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it!  Now, get out of the car and scram!"

The four boys didn't hesitate.  They got out and ran like crazy around the corner out of range.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat and got behind the wheel.  However, she couldn't get the key into the ignition.  She tried and tried, and then, looking around she noticed a football, Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer beside her.  Then it dawned on her.

She got out of the car and found her own car parked five spaces farther down.  She loaded her bags into the her car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The desk sergeant listened to her story and then turned to the four shaking pale men at the counter who were reporting a car jacking by a crazed, elderly woman described as less than five feet tall, wearing glasses, curly white hair, and possessing a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

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In 1802, President Thomas Jefferson signed a measure authorizing the establishment of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY.

In 1984, William Buckley, the CIA station chief in Beirut, was kidnapped by terrorists.  (He was tortured by his captors and killed in 1985.)

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Today----Comedian-director Jerry Lewis is 84, Game show host Chuck Woolery is 69 and Actor Erik Estrada is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------same scale my wife uses------

The small-town Irish doctor was infamous in the area for always catching VERY large fish.  One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips, he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth.

He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.  The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scale.

The baby weighed in at 32 pounds, 10 ounces.

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In A.D. 461, (or A.D. 493, depending on sources), St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, died in Saul.

In 1966, a U.S. midget submarine located a missing hydrogen bomb that has fallen from an American bomber into the Mediterranean off the coast of Spain.

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Today----------Singer-songwriter John Sebastian (The Lovin' Spoonful) is 66, Rock musician Harold Brown is 64 and Actor Patrick Duffy is 61.

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Larryj