another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------Something I get to look forward to----

                   SOME ADVANTAGES TO TURNING 75

Your assorted joints can forecast weather changes

There's not much left to learn the hard way

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them.

In a hostage situation, you're likely to be released first.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

Your eyes and hearing won't get much worse.

You can sing along with elevator music.

People no longer consider you a hypochondriac.

You actually enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

Getting a speeding ticket isn't much of a worry.

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In 1801, the District of Columbia was placed under the jurisdiction of Congress.

In 1922, the Supreme Court , in Leser v. Garnett, unanimously upheld the 19th Amendment  to the Constitution which guaranteed the right of women to vote.

In 1933, Germany's parliament building, the Reichstag, was gutted by fire.  Chancellor Adolf Hitler, blaming the Communists, used the fire as justification for suspending civil liberties.

In 1951, the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, limiting a president to two terms of office, was ratified.


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Today-------Actress Joanne Woodward is 80, Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is 76, Actress Barbara Babcock is 73, Actor Howard Hesseman is 70 and Actress Elizabeth Taylor is 78.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------paper failed to put the joke in today, so back to the archives------------

A young fellow had discovered his wife was having an affair.  His buddy consoled him and said, "Hey, pal, take it easy---it's not the end of the world."

The young fellow said, "That's easy for you to say.  What would you do if you discovered someone in bed with your wife?"

His buddy said, "Why, I would break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the butt!"

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In 1960, a day after defeating the Soviets at the Winter Games in Squaw Valley, Calif., the United States won its first Olympic hockey gold medal by defeating Czechoslovakia's team, 9-4.

In 1849, the California gold rush began in earnest as regular steamship service started bringing gold-seekers to San Francisco.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon and Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai issued the Shanghai Communique at the conclusion of Nixon's historic visit to China.

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Today ---------- (lots of them, probably why they didn't put the joke in)---Actor Charles Durning is 87, Actor Gavin MacLeod is 79, Actor Don Francks is 78, Actor-director-dancer Tommy Tune is 71, Hall-of-Fame Auto racer Mario Andretti is 70, Singer Joe South is 70, Actor Frank Bonner is 70, Actress Kelly Bishop is 66, and Actress Bernadette Peters is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------don't even go there!

I'm sure you've seen the tantalizing visual and olfactory features at many supermarkets now.

In the produce aisle there is a device that helps keep the produce really fresh.  Every so often, a flash of light and misters will activate to spray water on the produce as well as give off the scent of fresh, falling rain.  Refreshing, eh?

Moving over to the dairy section, when one passes by, there is the sounds of contented (I assume they are contented) cows mooing , and one is offered the scent of fresh mown hay.  Hey, how about that?

Passing the meat department there is the delicious aroma of hickory and charcoal-grilled steaks with onions.  I'm salivating just thinking about it.

When one approaches the egg case, one hears  the robust hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the wonderful aroma of sizzling bacon and eggs frying.  Yummy!

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and warm sugar cookies.  Hmmmm, goody!

I haven't been down the toilet paper aisle yet.

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In 1790, President George Washington signed a measure authorizing the first U.S. Census.

In 1867, Nebraska became the 37th state.

In 1940, the novel "Native Son" by Richard Wright was first published by Harper and Brothers.

In 1954, Puerto Rican nationalists opened fire from the gallery of the U.S. House of of Representatives, wounding five congressmen.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy established the Peace Corps.

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Today-----Actor Robert Clary is 84, Singer Harry Belafonte is 83, Actor Robert Conrad is 75, Rock singer Roger Daltrey is 66, Actor Dirk Benedict is 65 and Actor Alan Thicke is 63

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------I think this one might be older than I am-------------

A boy asked his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation and frustration.  His father, Maurice, picks up the phone and dials a number at random.  When the phone is answered, he asks, "May I speak to Maurice, please?"

"No, I'm sorry, there's no one here named Maurice," says the person who answered the phone.  His father hangs up.  "That's irritation," he says.

Maurice picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Maurice a second time.  "No, there's no one here named Maurice.  Don't call this number again!" the person says.  His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation." 

"Then what could be frustration?" asks his son.

His father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.

"Howdy, this is Maurice, have there been any calls for me?"

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In 1877, Republican Rutherford B. Hayes was declared the winner of the 1876 presidential election over Democrat Samuel J. Tilden, even though Tilden had won the popular vote.

In 1899, Mount Rainier National Park in Washington state was established.

In 1917, Puerto Ricans were granted U.S. citizenship as President Woodrow Wilson signed the Jones-Shafroth Act..

In 1943, the World War II Battle of the Bismarck Sea began; U.S. and Australian warplanes were able to inflict heavy damage on a Japanese convoy.

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Today----------Actor John Cullum s 80, Author Tom Wolfe is 80, Actress Barbara Luna is 71, Actor Jon Finch is 69, Author John Irving is 68 and Singer Lou Reed is 68.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------there's a way to get whatever you want, I guess-------

The waitress approaches and recognizes the family seated at the table -- Mr. and Mrs. Nicholson and their little son, Jackson.  She says, "Jackson, what would you like?"

He says, "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."

She says, "Jackson, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled cheese sandwiches."

He says, "You have a grill, don't you?"  She says, "Yes."  He says, "You have cheese, don't you?"  She says, "Yes."  He says, "You have bread, don't you?"  She says, "Yes."  He says, "Well, then, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."  Jackson is only four years old!

After getting the cook's okay, the waitress returns and says, "Jackson, I forgot to ask you what you want to drink."  He says, "I'll have a chocolate milkshake."

She says, "Jackson, I know your parents have already told you we don't serve milkshakes."  (She was ready for him this time.)  "Now, it is true we have milk.  And it is true we have ice cream.  But, we don't have the syrup!"

Jackson looks at her and says, "You have a car, don't you?"

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In 1845, Florida became the 27th state.

In 1849, the U.S. Department of the Interior was established.

In 1918, Germany, Austria-Hungary, Bulgaria, the Ottoman Empire and Russia signed the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk, which ended Russian participation in World War I.  (The treaty was rendered moot by the November 1918 armistice.)

In 1940, Artie Shaw and his orchestra recorded "Frenesi" for RCA Victor.

In 1945, the Allies fully secured the Philippine capital of Manila from Japanese forces during World War II.

In 1960, actress-comedian Lucille Ball filed for divorce from her husband, Desi Arnaz, a day after they'd finished filming the last episode of "The Luci-Desi Comedy Hour."  ("Lucy meets the mustache") on Arnaz's 43rd birthday.


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Today------Socialite Lee Radziwill is 77 and Singer Jennifer Warnes is 63

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------"yeah, right!!!!"

Sherrie was having problems with her sliding closet door  ----  it would jump off track and jam every time a bus passed by.  So she called a repairman.  He arrived and said, "OK, I'm gonna see what is going on ............. just close the door behind me" and he stepped into the closet.

At that time, Sherrie's husband arrived home from work, slid open the closet door and found the repairman standing there.

"Just what the heck are you doing here?" the husband hissed.

The repairman, nerves somewhat rattled, said, "Well, you're probably not gonna believe this, but I'm waiting for a bus."

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In 1791, Vermont became the 14th state.

In 1858, Sen. James Henry Hammond of South Carolina declared "Cotton is king" in a speech to the U.S. Senate.

In 1930, Coolidge Dam in Arizona was dedicated by its namesake, former President Calvin Coolidge.

In 1933, Franklin D. Roosevelt took office as America's 32nd  president.

In 1940, Kings Canyon National Park in California was established.

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Today-----------------Singer Bobby Womack is 66 and Actress Paula Prentiss is 72.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

that got a snickle............................!!!!

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------GROOOOOAAAANNNNER


A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar.  The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"

"Wow!  What's that mean?"  asks the girl.

"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh...........................Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon?  What's that?" asks the boy laughing.

The girl says, "That's French toast."

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In 1770, the Boston Massacre took place as British soldiers who'd been taunted by a crowd of colonists opened fire, killing five people.

In 1868, the Senate was organized into a Court of Impeachment to decide charges against President Andrew Johnson, who was later acquitted.

In 1933, in German parliamentary elections, the Nazi Party won 44 percent of the vote;  the Nazis joined with a conservative nationalist party to gain a slender majority in the Reichstag.

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Today----------Actor James Noble is 88, Actor James B. Sikking is 76, Actor Dean Stockwell is 74, Actor Fred Williamson is 72, Actor Michael Warren is 64, Actor Eddie Hodges is 63 and Actor Eddy Grant is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------good one

Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches.  When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.

One Sunday, a Preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said, "If this church is to become better, it must take up its bed, and walk."  The congregation said in unison, "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

Encouraged by their response, he went further.  "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside its hindrances and run!"  The congregation replied, "Let it run, Preacher, let it run!"

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger.  "If this church is going to become great, it will have to take up its wings and fly!"

"Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts as one.

The Preacher reaches a crescendo, "If this church is going to fly, it will cost MONEY!"

The congregation replied as one--------"Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

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In 1857, the United States Supreme Court ruled in Dred Scott vs. Sandford that Scott, a slave, was not an American citizen and could not sue for his freedom in federal court.

In 1944, U.S. heavy bombers staged the first full-scale American raid on Berlin during World War II.

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Today-------------Former FBI and CIA director William Webster is 86, Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is 84, Actress-writer Joanna Miles is 70, Actor Ben Murphy is 68, Singer Mary Wilson (the Supremes) is 66, Actor-director Rob Reiner is 63 and Singer Kiki Dee is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------the paper didn't include a joke today------back to the archives.

(this is entitled "No So Stupid")

A businessman was getting a haircut and talking to the barber.  They see a rather goofy-looking fellow skipping down the street.  The barber says, "That's Tommy.  He is really stupid.  Watch this."

The barber calls the kid into the shop and shows him a rusty dime and a shiny new quarter.  He tells the kid that he can have one of the coins, his choice.  After looking at the coins for a while, Tommy chooses the rusty dime and says, "Thanks, Mr. Williams!"

Later, the businessman sees Tommy on the street and asks him, "Why did you take the rusty old dime instead of the shiny new quarter?"

Tommy says, "If I took the quarter, the game would be over."

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In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for his telephone.

In 1926, the first successful trans-Atlantic radio-telephone conversations took place, between New York and London.

In 145, during World War II, U.S. forces crossed the Rhine River at Remagen, Germany, using the damaged but still usable Ludendorff Bridge.

In 1960, Jack Paar returned as  host of NBC's "Tonight Show," nearly a month after walking off in a censorship dispute with the network.

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Today------TV personality Willard Scott is 76, Auto Racer Janet Guthrie is 72, Actor Daniel J. Travanti is 70, Actor John Heard is 64 and Comedian Alan Sues is 84.

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Larryj