another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------sounds familiar, might be a repeat.

A dietician stood solemnly before the large audience in a senior center.  As the crowd quieted, he began.  "The material we put into our stomachs," he confided, "is potent enough to have killed most of us years ago."

"Red meat is unhealthful, carbonated drinks erode the lining of the stomach, some foods have MSG and other material in it which makes it dangerous to eat.  Cookies, candy, and fat-laden foods can be disastrous on the arteries, liver, eyes and nervous system.  And none of us really realizes just how many miscellaneous chemicals can be found in that which we eat."

"But," he exclaimed forcefully with his arm raised and index finger pointed heavenward, "one thing is the most dangerous of all!
Can anyone venture a guess what it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

An 82-year-old chap stood up and suggested, "Wedding cake?"

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In 1554, Lady Jane Grey, who'd claimed the throne of England for nine days, and her husband, Guildford Dudley, were beheaded after being condemned for high treason.

In 1809, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States, was born in present-day Larue County, KY.

In 1909, the NAAP was founded.

In 2000, Charles M. Shultz, creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip, died in Santa Rosa at age 77.

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Today---------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Joe Garagiola is 84, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bill Russell is 76, Actor Joe Don Baker is 74, Author Judy Blume is 72, Country Singer Moe Bandy is 66, Actress Maude Adams is 65, Actor Michael Ironside is 60 and Rock musician Ray Manzarek (The Doors) is 71.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------Just for the groaners.

He loved her very much.  He wanted this Valentine's Day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived at his office in time for the occasion.

On his way home, he stopped at a local florist.  He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer.  He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent  -- well beyond his expectations.

He added a card, and proceeded home.  When he arrived, he presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

With a tear in her eye, she said to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

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In 1920, the League of Nations recognized the perpetual neutrality of Switzerland.

In 1935, a jury in Flemington, N.J., found Bruno Richard Hauptmann guilty of first-degree murder in the kidnap-slaying of the son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh.  (Hauptmann was later executed.)

In 1945, during World War II, Allied planes began fire-bombing the German city of Dresden.

In 1980, the 13th Winter Olympics opened in Lake Placid, N.Y.

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Today------Former Test Pilot Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager is 87, Actress Kim Novak is 77, Actor George Segal is 76, Actress Carol Lynley is 68, Actress Stockard Channing is 66, Talk Show Host Jerry Springer is 66 and Actor Bo Svenson is 66.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------WOW!  Groaners two days in a row.

A street performer was taken to the hospital with burns on his face.

Using only gestures, he explained to the doctor that someone in the crowd was apparently unhappy with his act  and attacked him with pepper spray, which seemingly reacted with his white face paint and caused the burns.

The doctor shook his head and proclaimed, "A mime is a terrible thing to mace."

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In 1778, the American ship Ranger carried the recently adopted Stars and Stripes to a foreign port for the first time as it arrived in France.

In 1920, the League of Women Voters was founded in Chicago; it's first president was Maud Wood Park.

In 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in a Chicago garage as seven rivals of Al Capone's gang were gunned down.

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Today------TV personality Hugh Downs is 89, Country Singer Razzie Bailey is 71, Journalist Carl Bernstein is 66, TV personality Pat O'Brien is 62 and Actress-Singer Florence Henderson is 76.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------maybe should have put this on the "birds" thread

Every evening, a bird watcher named Maurice stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl -- and one night, an owl called back to him. 

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.  He even kept a log of the "conversations."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in communication between species, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said with a slight chuckle.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied, "So does my husband."

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In 1820, American suffragist Susan B. Anthony was born in Adams, MA.

In 1879, President Rutherford B. Hayes signed a bill allowing female attorneys to argue cases before the Supreme Court.

In 1898, the U.S. battleship Maine mysteriously blew up in Havana Harbor killing more than 260 crew members and bringing the United States closer to war with Spain.

In 1944, Allied bombers destroyed the monastery atop Monte Cassino in Italy.

In 1989, the Soviet Union announced that the last of its troops had left Afghanistan, after more than nine years of military intervention.

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Today------Actor Kevin McCarthy is 96, Actor Allan Arbus is 92. Actress Claire Bloom is 79 and Songwriter Brian Holland is 69.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------something is getting through to her students

An English teacher at the local university spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work

She wasn't sure how much of an impact she was having until one overly busy day when she was sitting at her desk, rubbing her temples.

A student approached her and asked, "What's the matter, Dr. Conrad?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again:

"What was the matter?..........What has been the matter?.........What might have been the matter?......"

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In 1923, the burial chamber of King Tutankhamen's recently unearthed tomb was unsealed in Egypt by English archaeologist Howard Carter.

In 1959, Fidel Castro became premier of Cuba, a month and a-half after the overthrow of Fulgencia Batista.

In 1968, the nation's first 9-1-1 emergency telephone system was inaugurated in Haleyville, Alabama.

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Today------Singer Patty Andrews is 92, Kim Jong II, the president of North Korea is 68 and Actor Jeremy Bulloch is 67.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well.

In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the
club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who
were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've
been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after
I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY....
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched
often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

[larryJ]

Today's--------ya can't tell the players without a scorecard---

A new teacher's aide at an elementary school is really eager to help.  One day during recess she notices a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids are enjoying a game of soccer at the other end of the field.

The aide approaches and asks if she is all right.  The girl says she is, but a little while later the aide sees the girl in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, the aide asks, "Would you like me to be your friend?"  The girl hesitates and looks at the woman suspiciously, then says, "OK."

Feeling she is making progress, the aide asks, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl says with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie."

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In 1801, the U.S. House of Representatives broke an electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr, electing Jefferson president; Burr became vice president.

In 1897, the forerunner of the National PTA, the National Congress of Mothers,, convened its first meeting in Washington.

In 1919, Chiricahua (chi-rih-KAH-wuh) Apache leader Geronimo (also known as Goyathlay, "One Who Yawns) died at Fort Sill, OK. at age 79.

In 1947, the Voice of America began broadcasting to the Soviet Union.

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Today-------Bandleader Orrin Tucker is 99, Actor Hal Holbrook is 85, Singer Bobby Lewis is 77, Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Brown is 74 and Actress Mary Ann Mobley is 71.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------poor guy

A couple goes to a play, looks around and finds their seats with some guy sprawled across them.

"Hey, buddy," the man says, "please get up so we can sit down."

The guy squints and groans, "Uhhhhhh...."

"Come on, get up," the man says again.  Again the response is the same:  "Uhhhhh...."

"OK," the man says, "I'm getting the manager."

The manager arrives and tells the guy to get off the seats, but only gets the same response.  With that the manger tells the guy in the seats he is calling the police.

The cop comes in and says to the guy, "Hey, bud, get outta the seats."

"Uhhhhh...." the guy responds.

The cop says:  "That's it!  Get outta those seats right now!"

"Uhhhhh...." the guy responds.

"Enough," the cop declares.  "What's your name?"

"Monty," the guy moans

"That's better.........where are you from, Monty?" the cop asks.

"Uhhhhh.....the balcony."

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In 1885, Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published in the U.S. for the first time.  (it had been published in Canada and England the previous December.)

In 1970, the "Chicago Seven" defendants were found not guilty of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic national convention; five were convicted of violating the Anti-Riot Act of 1968 and those convictions were later reversed.

In 2001, auto racing star Dale Earnhardt, Sr. died from injuries suffered in a crash at the Daytona 500; he was 49.

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Today-------Former Cosmopolitan editor Helen Gurley Brown is 88, Actor George Kennedy is 85, Singer Yoko Ono is 77  and Actress Cybill Shepherd is 60.

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Larryj

[frawin]

I think this one has been around before but I couldn't resist posting it again. Who thinks of such things?

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says,
'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings '

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings..'

The bear, very angry now, says,
'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says,  'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer..


The bartender states, 'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'


The bear looks at him quizzically and says, 'I'm not on drugs.'

(You're gonna love me for this...)


The bartender says,
'You are now.
That was a barbitchyouate.'

[Dee Gee]

Frank, that is really bad.