another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------------would you believe they didn't put a joke in the paper today?  Oh well, back to the archives-----


On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whiskey, you stupid cow."

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets all about the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and squawks, "And get me another whiskey, you airhead."

Quite upset, the poor woman comes back shaking with another whiskey, but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now, you blithering twit!"

In the next moment, both he and the parrot are yanked up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. As they plunge downward, the parrot turns to the man and yells, "Ya' know, for someone who can't fly, you've sure got an attitude."

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In 1776, Thomas Paine anonymously published his influential pamphlet, "Common Sense."

In 1861, Florida seceded from the Union.

In 1870, John D. Rockefeller incorporated Standard Oil.

In 1910, Hallmark Cards had its origins as its founder, Joyce Clyde Hallo, arrived in Kansas city, MO., to begin selling postcards wholesale.

In 1946, the first General Assembly of the United Nations convened in London.

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Today-----Rock singer-musician Ronnie Hawkins is 75, Baseball Hall of Famer Willie McCovey is 72, Singer Frank Sinatra Jr., is 66, Singer Rod Stewart is 65 and former boxer George Foreman is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------and remember, I don't write 'em so don't gang up on me, ladies!

Mary approached Peter looking somewhat bewildered.  Peter asked, "Is something bothering you, Mary?"

Mary replied, "Well, kind of.  I was talking with John and he said I was pretty.  Later I ran into Andy and he said I'm ugly.  What do you think, Peter?"

"Actually," Peter said,  "I think you are a little of both."

"What do you mean?" Mary asked.

"I think you're pretty ugly."

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In 1805 the Michigan Territory was created by an act of Congress.

In 1861, Alabama seceded from the Union.

In 1908, President Theodore Roosevelt proclaimed the Grand Canyon National Monument.  (It became a national park in 1919.)

In 1935, aviator Amelia Earhart began an 18-hour trip from Honolulu to Oakland, CA, that made her the first woman to fly solo across the Pacific Ocean.

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Today---Producer Grant Tinker is 85, Producer David L. Wolper is 82, Actor Rod Taylor is 80 and Country Singer Naomi Judd is 64.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------smart man-------

Although a bright and able man, Claire revealed that her husband is almost completely helpless when faced with even the simplest domestic chore.  One day, in desperation , Claire pointed out to him that their friend Yolanda had taught her husband Frank, to cook, sew and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened to her, Frank would be able to care for himself.

Then Claire said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?"

After considering that possibility for a moment, her husband said happily, "I'd move in with Frank!"

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In 1915, the U.S. House of Representatives rejected, 204-174, a constitutional amendment giving women the right to vote.

In 1932, Hattie W. Carraway became the first woman elected to the U.S. Senate, after serving out the remainder of the term of her late husband, Thaddeus.

In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr. founded Motown Records (originally Tamla Records ) in Detroit.

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Today-------Actress Luise Rainer is 100, Singer Glenn Yardborough is 80, Former heavyweight boxing champion Joe Frazier is 66 and Actor Anthony Anderson is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------It never rains in Southern California?  So, what is all that wet stuff on my driveway?

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and, as some have rightly
observed, there is no other word ---- no other language --- that can do it justice.

For example:  A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 50 cents each.  Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her two quarters, but never take a pretzel.

This transaction went on for more than three years and the two of them never spoke.

One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarters as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.  "Sir, I want to thank you for your business.  You are a very good customer.  But, I have to tell you that the price for a pretzel has gone up to 75 cents.

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In 1794, President George Washington approved a measure adding two stars and two stripes to the American flag following the admission of Vermont and Kentucky to the union.  (The number of stripes was later reduced to the original 13.)

In 1962, comedian Ernie Kovacs died in a car crash in west Los Angeles, 10 days before his 43rd birthday.

In 2005, Major League Baseball adopted a tougher steroid-testing program that suspended first-time offenders for 10 days and randomly tested players year-round.

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Today-------------Country Singer Liz Anderson in 80, Comedian Rip Taylor is 76 and Actor Richard Moll is 67.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------There's dumb blonde jokes and there are dumb lawyer jokes.

A small, uncertain and quite nervous witness was being cross-examined.

The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Uh, yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."

"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.

"Well, a woman,"  the witness stammered timidly.

The lawyer hissed angrily , "Well, of course you married a woman!  Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

And the witness said meekly, "My, my sister did."

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In 1784, the United States ratified a peace treaty with England, ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1952, NBC's "Today" show premiered, with Dave Garroway as the host, or "communicator," as he was officially known.

In 1963, George C. Wallace was sworn in as governor of Alabama with a pledge of "segregation forever."

In 1970, Diana Ross and the Supremes performed their last concert together at the Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas.

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Today----------Actress Faye Dunaway is 69, Actor Carl Weathers is 62 and CBS commentator Andy Rooney is 91.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------Old, probably a repeat, but still funny--------------

The California Highway Patrol officer noticed a car creeping slowly on the freeway --- just 10 miles an hour, to be exact.  He immediately flashed on his red lights and the vehicle pulled to the side of the road.

As he approached, he noticed that the car contained five people.  The driver appeared normal, but the passengers sat rigidly ashen-faced with their elbows tightly to their sides and white-knuckled hands clutching their seats.

Turning his attention to the driver, the officer asked, "So, do you know how fast you were traveling?"

"Yes, sir," the man replied, "I always drive at the posted speed limit," pointing to a nearby sign.

"Sir, that's not the speed limit, that's the highway designation, in this case, the Interstate 10.

"Oh, you don't say." said the driver.  As the officer handed back the man's license, he asked, "By the way, what's wrong with your companions?"

The man replied, "Well, in light of what you just told me, I think they'll be all right in a while......we just go off the 215."

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In 1559, England's Queen Elizabeth 1 was crowned in Westminster Abbey.

In 1929, civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was born in Atlanta.

In 1947, the mutilated remains of 22 year old Elizabeth Short, who came to be known as "Black Dahlia", were found in a vacant Los Angeles lot;  her slaying remains unsolved.

In 2009, US Airways Capt. Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger ditched his Airbus 320 in the Hudson River after a flock of birds disabled both the plane's engines;  all 155 people aboard survived.

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Today--------------Actress Margaret O'Brien is 73 and Actress Andrea Marin is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------there is one born every minute-----------------------

A citified outdoorsman was out fishing on a lake.  He noticed another man in a boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror.  Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"This is my newfound way to catch fish," said the other man.  "I just shine the mirror on the top of the water, the fish notice the dancing spot of sun on the surface and, being curious, they swim right up to the top to investigate.  Then I just reach down with my net and pull them into the boat."

"Ya' gotta be kiddin'!  Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you sell me that mirror right now?  I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay, I can come back tomorrow."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said, rapidly rowing away.

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In 1920, Prohibition began in the United  States as the 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution took effect, one year to the day after its ratification.  (It was later repealed by the 21st Amendment.)

In 1942, Carole Lombard,33, her mother and about 20 other people died when their plane crashed near Las Vegas while returning from a war-bond promotion tour.

In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off under extremely tight security; on board was Israel's first astronaut, Ilan Ramon.  (The mission ended in tragedy when the shuttle broke apart during its descent, killing all seven crew members.)

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Today-------------Opera singer Marilyn Horne is 76, Hall of Fame auto racer A.J. Foyt is 75, Singer Barbara Lynn is 68, Country Singer Ronnie Milsap is 67, Country Singer Jim Stafford is 66, Talk show host Dr Laura Schlessinger is 63 and Actress- dancer- choreographer Debbie Allen is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------it must be Sunday-----

At a church picnic, the pastor stacked a pile of apples on one end of the table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple, please  --- God is watching."

On the other end of the table there was a pile of cookies, on which a youngster had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want ---  God's watching the apples!"

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In 1950, the Great Brinks Robbery took place as seven masked men held up a Brink's garage in Boston, stealing $1.2 million in cash and $1.5 million in checks and money orders.  (Although the entire eleven-member gang was later caught, only part of the loot was recovered.)

In 1994, a 6.7 magnitude earthquake struck Southern California , killing at least 72 people.

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Today------------Hairdresser Vidal Sassoon is 82, Actor James Earl Jones is 79, Talk show host Maury Povich is 71, Former heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali is 68 and actress Betty White is 88.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------Rudy and I can attest to this as absolutely true.

John, a newspaper columnist and writer had worked for many, many years.  Because of his dedication, he was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid.  However, John turned down his boss' kind offer.  The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?"

John said there were two reasons. 

"Well, what are they?" the boss asked.

"The first," John said, "is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation."

"And the other reason?" asked the boss.

"The other reason," John replied, "is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's circulation."

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In 1778, English navigator Captain James Cook reached the Hawaiian Islands, which he dubbed the "Sandwich Islands."

In 1911, the first landing of an aircraft on a ship took place as pilot Eugene B. Ely brought his Curtiss biplane in for a safe landing on the deck of the USS Pennsylvania in San Francisco Harbor.

In 1967, Albert DeSalvo, who claimed to be the "Boston Strangler," was convicted in Cambridge, Mass., of armed robbery, assault and sex offenses.  (Sentenced to life, DeSalvo was killed in prison in 19873.)

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Today------------Singer-Songwriter Bobby Goldsboro is 69.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------------What?

I was talking with my good friends, Benny and Elsie, from Lowell, Iowa, the other day.  Somehow or other, the conversation turned to relationships and I asked Benny what he considered the success of he and Elsie's marriage.

"Well," I've learned that a woman's logic is uniquely unarguable."

"Wow, that's pretty profound," I said.  "How did you reach that conclusion?"

"I can give you a perfect example.  The other day, the wife and I were having a discussion and reached a point of contention.  After several minutes of give and take there still was no resolution."

"Yes, go on,"  I said.

"It was at that point that Elsie solved the dilemma by saying; 'Sweetheart, I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.'  And, Dan,, she was absolutely right."

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In 1809, author, poet and critic Edgar Allan Poe was born in Boston.

In 1937, millionaire Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record by flying his monoplane from Los Angeles to Newark, N.J., in seven hour, 28 minutes and 25 seconds,

In 1955, a presidential news conference was filmed for television for the first time with the permission of President Dwight D. Eisenhower.

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Today------Actress Jean Stapleton is 87, Actress Tippi Hedren is 80, Singer Phil Everly is 71, Actress Shelley Fabares is 66, Country Singer Dolly Parton is 64 and TV chef Paula Dean is 63.

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Larryj